Has This Ship Sailed?
by sozzy
Summary: Meredith and Derek don't talk much. Meredith decides to try it; it seems to help. She and Derek progress, and she accepts her sisters. Mark and Derek talk. Meredith and Derek visit the Shepards. They're engaged! I don't own Grey's Anatomy.
1. Put Your Hands Into the Fire

**Put Your Hands Into the Fire**

At Grand Rounds Meredith tries to focus on the patients and their surgeries, as well as the attending surgeons and their rapid-fire questions. Normally the competitive challenge of Rounds is one of the highlights of a working day, but today thoughts of Derek - his house plans, the OR nurse he kissed, their latest (and maybe last?) break-up – shatter her concentration.

Two days ago Meredith had mustered all her courage to tell Derek that at last she was ready to be exclusive with him, for them to date only each other. She didn't say "let's go for the white picket fence" but she knew that he wanted the dream of home, children, and growing old together, and by asking that he not date other women she was taking her first step toward sharing that dream with him. She was ready to phase out the "sex & mockery" that frustrated him so, to make progress towards the relationship he deserved.

But shortly before she took that momentous step (and for her it was momentous), Derek kissed his OR nurse, a flirting kiss witnessed by several colleagues. When Meredith talked to Derek about dating only each other, he seemed happy, but he didn't tell her about that kiss, the giant conflict he'd just created in their new and exclusive dating relationship. Meredith learned about the kiss from George a day later, in the afternoon of the morning Derek showed her plans for the dream home he planned to build for them. It was too soon for Meredith to think about house plans and Derek knew that really. He was testing her, and giving himself an out if the prospect of a house was too much for Meredith's fragile resolve. When Meredith confronted Derek about the kiss (which demonstrated more resolve than either of them realized) he was armed with his usual defense. Yeah, so he'd kissed the nurse, but Meredith couldn't trust him or anybody! And the momentous step she'd taken the day before seems to have been over a cliff instead of into the arms of the man she loves.

When Rounds are over and Meredith begins working on the patients assigned to her, questions pop into her mind like balloons in a cartoon: ("He kisses his nurse one afternoon, shows me house plans the next morning, and wonders why I don't trust him?" . . . "Do I want to have that argument again? We can't have it again if we never had it once!" . . . "Who is that nurse anyway?")

Neither her work nor the questions swirling inside her fill the bleak black hole where she suffers the pain of losing what she finally knew she wanted, which she asked for only minutes after she lost it.

Does Derek think he can have his dream house and kids and life with . . . anybody? Any woman he hasn't lied to, or left, or blasted with his cruel temper yet? She'll be bright and shiny now, because she and Derek haven't had a problem. Yet.

Meredith knows this dream won't materialize for Derek if he tries to have it with someone else. It's a fact of life, like gravity or the weather, that Meredith and Derek love each other. Despite all that's happened to them, they love each other. Their love hasn't weakened since the night she told him her of her mother's Alzheimer's and he was ready to tell her he was married, but separated. It didn't weaken in the six months they were separated while he and Addison tried to resuscitate their marriage. Since he and Addison finally divorced, Derek and Meredith have been together and apart, he's walked away, she's tried to move on. They've hurt each other and themselves but, as self-destructive as they are, even they can't destroy the love they'll always have for each other.

Derek thinks Meredith has a problem trusting him; he doesn't think about the times he betrayed her trust. They never talk about it. He yells at her, but he doesn't talk to her. Meredith has avoided their history and her own problems, but Derek has never tried to talk about the past with her. Neither of them has tried to do that.

Meredith gets a pause in her work and time to catch up on charts, but her mind keeps wandering back to Derek, their on/off relationship and their always-on love, and she wonders: why can't she and Derek just talk? Things could be sorted out, cleaned up and filed away if they could just talk. Not sex, not flirting, but plain and honest talking. They never do that, they've never really tried, but they should be able to talk. And she could start it.

Meredith told Derek the night he re-met her at Joe's, the night he wanted to start over, that it was too late, there was a lot of water under the thing, or whatever, but she was wrong, that isn't the problem. The problem is that the water isn't under the bridge; it hasn't flowed downstream. It's a dammed up jumble of anger, hurt, distrust, misunderstanding, and it's keeping Meredith and Derek apart, despite their love.

They are doctors – doctors who figure out their patient's problems and think up remedies. If they can do that for their patients, they should be able to do it for themselves. A little over a year ago, on Meredith's first day at Seattle Grace, Derek asked all the interns to help diagnose the cause of Katie Bryce's seizures, because Katie wasn't responding to medication and could die in one of her seizures if he didn't identify and solve her problem soon. Meredith was the intern who figured it out. Meredith had had to listen to more of Katie's inane chatter than the other interns, still, she recognized the meaning of the one clue they all had in the chart – that Katie had fallen and hit her head. Meredith, on her first day as an intern helped Derek Shepard MD, the world-class brain surgeon.

Meredith is used to thinking she's inadequate and immature compared to Derek. He's more than ten years older than she, but since her mother's death she sees life through a cleaner lens and she knows now that her life has been harder and harsher than his. She's been tempered in a hotter fire; she's tougher and stronger. Their problems have mounted up like wall of fire that separates them; they've both been singed, but he can't handle the heat and she can. She's going to have to put her hands into the fire to reach out to him.

Meredith is on call tonight, and Derek has a late shift. The pace of the hospital slows down after the patients eat dinner. She'll page him then. She's not sure what she'll say. She hopes it makes sense when she says it.

At the post-dinner break Meredith checks the board to make sure Derek isn't in surgery. Then she buys two coffees, finds the loneliest table in the cafeteria and pages him. Her heart's pounding so hard she pictures it bursting from her chest like the creature in _Aliens_. The hot coffee soothes her a little but she knows she looks panicky. When she sees Derek walking toward her, when their eyes meet, she has to fight the urge to run, but she controls it. Time stretches like it does in emergencies before the outcome is known, but before she's ready he reaches the table, sits down and picks up his coffee.

"I have to say something."

"OK, say it."

"It's not that easy."

"How bad is it, on a scale of one to ten?"

"It's not bad, it's just complicated and I don't know if you'll listen long enough to understand what I'm trying to say."

His face registers condescending patience. "I'm listening. If I get paged we can finish later."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

Meredith pauses, tries to collect her rambling brain to find a beginning.

"Remember 'all the water under the thing or whatever'? Remember that? – at Joe's? – when you introduced yourself like we hadn't met before because you wanted to start over? After you guys went fishing? And I said it was too late, too much water under the thing or whatever."

"I remember that night. The water under the thing, that sounds like you, but I don't remember it specifically. I remember waiting for you to shake hands and give me another chance."

"Ok, well the water under the thing . . . I mean we have all this history, stuff happened and it could be water under the bridge, but it isn't, it's all dammed up in front of the bridge, and that's why it hasn't worked out, starting over. We didn't start over, we didn't even start, we just continued what we were doing, and it wasn't working then and it isn't working now." Derek starts to interrupt, his expression turning hostile, but Meredith doesn't stop. "No, let me finish. Please. I'm not saying it can't work, I'm saying it's not working now, because of all the water dammed up. We have to take down the dam before it can be water under the bridge. We have to clean it up."

Derek leans back in his chair, pauses, relaxes a bit, and says "OK. I can see that." He looks cautious but no longer condescending.

Meredith takes a deep breath, drains her coffee, wishes it was hotter and that there was more. Derek passes his coffee over to her, and she smiles, the smile that is one of the many things that binds him to her so tightly.

After another deep breath she says "OK, that's kind of part one. Now, remember Katie Bryce? Our first day at the hospital?"

"Of course. You know I hold onto very fond memories of that day. Morning and afternoon, but especially morning." The McDreamy look starts to twinkle in his indigo eyes, but she resists the attraction.

"I'm serious. Seriously, I am."

"OK. I'm serious too." He doesn't look serious though. He does harbor very McDreamy memories of that day; they lighten his mood and his face.

"I'm not bragging, you said I helped save her life with very little training, and it made me think, even if we're not equals in medical knowledge or age or status at the hospital, maybe we're not so different when it's just life. I mean, I've never had a real relationship before, and you had a relationship, a marriage, but it wasn't a good one. So, we're not so different there. I'm not the immature intern and you're not the world-class neurosurgeon when we're talking about relationships. And I've got my family problems, but you have some too, don't you? Your sister Nancy says they don't know anything about you except you've got a trailer, a divorce, and a slutty intern. So you haven't been a part of your family since you came out here, and that's a problem, isn't it? We're not so different when we're talking about family problems either."

The McDreamy look has faded and now he just looks tired.

"It's just a backlog, that's all I'm saying, a backlog of arguments we never had that we should have, and things we haven't apologized for that we should have, and lies we didn't admit to that need explaining, and stuff we haven't told each other that we need to know. If we don't clear out the backlog, we can't move forward."

"I really don't want to argue with you anymore."

"I don't mean arguments as in getting mad at each other. I don't want you to get mad at me; you're mean when you're mad. And I don't want to get mad at you, because I can't think when I'm mad."

"I'm mean when I'm mad?"

"Focus. I'm trying to talk about the backlog and that we're both the same, equals, when it comes to stuff like that. I'm not the only one with issues. We both have issues in general and issues with each other. And if we want the dream, the McDream with the house and the kids and the dog (there has to be a dog) then we have to clear up the issues. You can't say 'Do you really want to have that fight again?' about a fight we should have had but we haven't."

"I thought you said you didn't want to argue and now you want to fight?"

"I don't want to argue and I don't want to fight. I don't want to get mad and I don't want you to get mad. I just want to talk about everything that's dammed up, why you can't wait for me to make the commitment, soon, when I'm ready, and everything that makes me wonder if I can trust you to stay with me after all the times you've walked away."

"I'm mean when I'm mad?"

"Do you need me to answer that, so you can pay attention to what I'm saying?"

"That would be nice"

"OK" she says, exasperated, "Yes. You are mean when you're mad. Now focus."

"You're very, very bossy."

"I have to be; it keeps you in line."

She isn't nervous anymore. "Seriously, I'll never stop loving you, never, but I don't want to be with you if we can't talk like this. Seriously. You said you wanted me to put you out of your misery if I didn't see a future for us. I didn't see where this was going when I paged you but now I get it, I do . . we don't . . . there isn't . . . um, we don't have a future if you can't talk about these things, from not telling me about Addison to kissing your OR nurse. You never asked me about the dock and the water, I know you want to know, but you don't ask so I don't tell. We wanted to be shiny and bright, and how long did that last, one shift? We don't have to talk about this stuff forever, it's just, we have to talk about it now, to clear the dam so we can both move on. Together."

She is sure now. She will never not love him, she can't not love him, but she doesn't want the relationship they've been stuck in since the day after Derek told her (a little late) that he'd been in love with her forever. And the relationship they had before that was based on a lie; it can't be resurrected. There's no life together for them if they can't talk.

Derek leans on the table and stares at his beautiful hands for a long time. Meredith looks at him kindly now, steadily, memorizing his face in case she never again looks at him with his tacit permission to stare, to probe, to store up memories. If she ends his misery (his words, not hers) they won't be intimate or even friends ever again. She won't respond to the McDreamy twinkle; she'll take the stairs if they're alone in the elevator, at least until he accepts that their relationship is strictly professional. He's stubborn, so it will take a long time for him to accept it, and maybe she will leave Seattle before he does accept it. She knows now that she will have no regrets, no what-ifs, no glances behind. This time she will be able to move on, alone if she has to. Without tequila.

At last Derek looks up and says "When Addie came out for the TTTS case she cornered me in the NICU. She had two ideas for getting back together. One was she would apologize and I would forgive her. The second was the same as the first, except I could bring it up to use against her whenever we had a fight. I could use it against her that she cheated on me in my own bed with my best friend. Is that what you want?"

"No, I don't – I don't know how to explain any better – that's not what I want."

Meredith starts to lose her composure and her thoughts scatter. Derek wants to give her a moment to collect herself so he stands up. "Do you want some water? More coffee? Something fizzy? I'm getting water for myself." She mumbles something that sounds like "fizz" so he ambles off, slowly, in case she needs time. He's never as considerate with anyone as he is with her, she knows this about him, but it's not enough for the day-to-day grind of the marriage he wants, and she knows that too. Apparently he doesn't. But she's seen failed marriage from the outside in, so maybe she knows more than he does. She's seen cheating from the outside in, even though she was only five years old. Hospital staff are always surprised at how perceptive the young patients are. Maybe Meredith's experience of her mother cheating on her father means she knows more about cheating than either of them thinks she does.

Then she realizes Derek doesn't know about her mother and the Chief, not unless the Chief told him. Her thoughts scatter again, but when Derek returns she's regained a shaky serenity, which seems ominous to him. She either expresses or represses emotion and in either case the effort produces nothing like serenity.

She doesn't know how to start again, but their pagers have been mercifully silent through her rambling, and she can't expect much more time before patients reclaim their doctors.

"Where was I?"

"There's a dammed up backlog of issues. You don't want to argue, but you do want to talk. We don't have a future unless we clear up the backlog. We're equals in maturity outside the hospital. I'm mean when I'm mad, and there has to be a dog."

She laughs, that adorable cascading laugh that's more than just mirth, there's irony and ruefulness as well. "You gave me the bullet - I can't believe it – you boiled down everything I said into a couple of sentences. What did I use, like, a couple thousand words?"

"I couldn't keep count."

She smiles at him, the second time today, but his face starts to get McDreamy and she's not having that, so she reiterates, "I'm serious. Seriously."

"I remember."

"If you really forgave Addison you wouldn't want to use it against her."

"That's what I thought too."

"My mother had an affair with the Chief, for a long time but I don't know how long. I was with them when they broke up. I was on the carousel at the park and I kept waving to them while she and Dr. Webber argued. Then she kicked my father out and we left for Boston."

He looks more and more horrified as she recounts this history as if it were an everyday memory, which is what it has become to her. For the first time ever, she sees him speechless. He shakes his head, like he's trying to rattle some words out of his brain, but nothing emerges. There's only horror on his face, though, no incredulity, so she asks, "Did you know?"

"Richard – em – the Chief said something once – um – but no details. Does he know you know?"

"He does now."

"How did you find out?"

She ignores this question and continues, "I had a point . . . if I can remember it . . . yeah, my point was . . see, my mother never forgave me. She thought Dr. Webber left her because of me, because she had a daughter, and she never forgave me for breaking up her relationship, for even existing. As long as she was alive, alive and still angry at me, I couldn't forgive her either. But she's dead now, and you know, I don't have much sympathy for her, well, any sympathy really, but I'm starting to forgive her. It's not the same as forgiving somebody when they apologize and you can let it go in that moment, but it's still forgiving. You have to have forgiveness if you want peace. Q'est-ce que c'est kind of peace."

Her gaze shifts to his hands now, because she doesn't want to see whether shame or anger will take over his eyes as she says, "I didn't tell you this, but George apologized to me about that night with me. He said he knew I didn't feel what he felt but he let it happen because he thought once was better than never with me – I guess he had a crush on me but I didn't realize - and I should stop apologizing to him when it was really his fault." Now she can't stand watching his hands either, tension grips them and he can't stop them from trembling, so she closes her eyes, but continues talking softly.

"We were each sorry and we both let it go. If you and I were together we would have to have that, agreeing on what happened and who did what that they shouldn't have, and being sorry and forgiving each other. Then you wouldn't want to use anything against me or I against you. We would have peace. Addison couldn't have understood what she was saying that you could forgive her for cheating, but still use it against her."

She doesn't know whether she should speak her final thought but decides that ambiguity sucks; she's had enough ambiguity. She blurts out, "Or we could co-exist in the hospital like my mother and the Chief, but there'd be nothing personal. And eventually I would go."

If they were in a TV show their pagers would both beep 911 then, but this isn't TV, so the pagers make no sound. Derek is quiet too, so silent and so still that she feels she'd be intruding just to look at him, but she can feel herself beginning to doze off, which would be worse, so she speaks as apologetically as she can.

"I'm afraid I'm going to doze off if we don't talk, or I could go back to work if you'd rather - I'm pretty much – I can't think of anything else to say . . ."

Meredith's voice trails off but there's no response, so she has to look at Derek. His eyes are so intense she almost can't bear his gaze, it's like looking at the sun. He'd used a silly line on her the night they met for the first time – he was "hiding his pain" he'd said – but he's hiding nothing now. Tonight Meredith punctured and shattered the shell of self-absorption and self-pity that had shrouded him, a shroud neither of them had been aware of before. Without that shroud Derek cares more, far more, about Meredith than he cares about himself. The love that never weakened is stronger now, and on his side, less about how she makes him feel, and more about what he wants her to feel.

He reaches across the table for her tiny hands.

"I can't co-exist with you on the same planet. Whatever you say we have to do, we'll do it. How do we start?"

Then the pagers really do go off, postponing further discussion, just like life on a TV show.


	2. Wait Until Dawn

**Wait Until Dawn**

Once patients send their evening visitors home they often discover they need a nurse or a doctor, preferably both, and pagers go off everywhere the tired hospital staff congregate. The cafeteria sounds like a one-note aviary. Derek's pager beeps once from one room, but Meredith's pager goes off repeatedly as nurses and interns dial her number from rooms all over the surgical floor. Derek only has time to say he'll leave a message on her voicemail before she trots out of the cafeteria and up the stairs to find a new patient from the ER refusing an IV, an intubation, new prescriptions to write, labs back, and a patient coming out of recovery, or in other words, a busy night.

The only novelty is the patient who's terrified of the IV and has a long scar that explains why. Meredith shows her the new generation of IV needle, which is thinner and shorter and has butterfly handles, which make it much easier to handle without hurting the patient. (It's also sharper, but Meredith doesn't think the patient will find that comforting.) Debbi's on duty and she's always good for a gossip, so Meredith asks Debbi to chat with patient while Meredith sets up. Before Debbi has enough data to settle on a topic (movies? TV? actors? Patrick Dempsey!) the IV is in and securely anchored. The patient is pleased and amazed but wants the catheter taped far up her arm so that she'll have lots of warning if another disaster is about to occur.

A hospital isn't easy to sleep in, especially at night. During the day the hum of voices and the bustle of activity drown out the loudest noises, but there's no such cover at night. As Meredith slips in and out of patients' rooms all night she doesn't notice the noise, but patients complain about it. Presumably that's one reason why so many patients are awake and have the opportunity to feel pain, nausea, homesickness, fear, or boredom. Boredom is not a medical condition and not covered by insurance, so doctors are discouraged from trying to treat it, but even the most ingenious resident sometimes has to fake a page. Meredith is a bad liar so she prefers her on-call nights to be busy, and is glad this one is.

Around 3:00 Meredith has time to check her voicemail. Derek's voice in the message is uncharacteristically nervous. She's never heard him nervous, even when he should have been, and even when he really seriously should have been. The message says that he'll be in room 4224 monitoring a patient emerging from a 43-hour coma, if she has time to come by, and that he'll leave her another message if he goes home. Meredith tries not to feel nervous herself as she takes the elevator to the right floor, but loses that battle by the time she reaches the room.

Derek and another intern are monitoring the patient. When Meredith appears in the doorway, Derek quietly gives the intern some directions and joins her in the hall. There's no real privacy within range, but the stairwell is pretty safe at 3:00 am, so Derek heads there and Meredith follows. Once the heavy door shuts behind them he pulls her into the corner and holds her tightly as she slowly relaxes against him. She waits for him to say something until she realizes he's waiting for her to say something, so she asks, "Am I the designated talker tonight?"

"You're always the designated talker."

"You don't talk that much, do you?"

There's a pause while they both think about it, and he answers with a question. "Where do I fall on the spectrum between Dr. Stevens and Dr. Yang?"

"Cristina talks more than you do."

"She's given me an earful once or twice."

Meredith laughs and says "I bet she has," and after a pause, "You sounded really nervous on my voicemail."

"I was really nervous."

"I've never heard you be nervous."

"I was nervous the night I met you."

"And I took advantage."

"Somebody took advantage. It's never been firmly established who."

"What were you going to say if you had to leave another message?"

"I've been sitting next to that patient since 11:30 wondering what I would say if I had to leave another message."

"He hasn't woken up?"

"Not fully."

"That's too bad."

"Yeah."

Meredith lifts her head from Derek's shoulder and looks into his eyes, which he seems to understand designates him as the talker, and he says "I realize I've been a complete ass."

She smiles a little sadly. "Yeah."

"And I'm very sorry."

"Are you?"

"I am."

She rests her forehead on his shoulder. "I'm sorry too."

"You have less to be sorry about. I didn't tell you about Addison, I have walked away from you, I should have asked you what I wanted to know."

"Yeah."

"We'll sort it all out."

"You'll have to talk a lot more than you normally do."

"When I run dry you say 'but, why?' That's what my niece does and it starts me talking again."

"What do you talk to her about?"

"Oh, anything from craniotomies to bunny rabbits. She's got a range of interests."

"How old was she last time you saw her?"

"A little over a year."

"Uncle Derek."

"Actually, Aunt Meredith, she says it more like 'Unkadek' but her diction is probably improved."

"If she's still talking to you."

"That's right, none of them may be talking to me, and by the way, that was mean."

"It was mean."

"We'll put it at the bottom of the list."

"Who's making the list?"

"You're making the list."

"I'm making the list?"

"If you start chronologically we'll have plenty to sort out before I have to add anything."

"When are you off?"

"When this guy becomes fully lucid or there's enough attendings and senior residents to take care of him. So, probably when you are. When are you back on?"

"Not till tomorrow at 6 am. What about you?"

"The same."

They're really lucky to have 24 uninterrupted hours, just like that, with no conniving or begging other doctors to trade shifts, which always works out to the long-term disadvantage of the beggar. Derek probably planned to sleep and fish or maybe he already has a date with the OR nurse. Ordinarily Meredith would be bold enough to claim his time, but with the complication of the OR nurse she's stuck, waiting for him to help her out. She says, "OK, you be the designated planner."

"I was just going to sleep and fish, but I could sleep and talk instead. Only I'll need more sleep."

"Do you want to sleep at my house or at the trailer?"

"Your house is more comfortable, if your roommates will let me in."

"I'll protect you. It's my house."

"Alex thinks he's the designated bouncer."

"He is the designated bouncer, but I'm the boss."

Derek scoffs at the idea of Alex taking orders; all of her friends think he's a jerk, though they respect his work and his position at the hospital. He never has any trouble with them at work, but it's different at her house. He's just another guy at the house, and the whole group are very protective of each other, Cristina excepted. Cristina is a fierce protector, but refuses protection for herself. If she's at the house, he can expect a fair amount of hostility from her. He's not sure who's living there now, and decides he doesn't want to know.

"Then let's go to your house, and out to the trailer when we get up."

"OK. By the way, I know what my first question is gonna be."

"What?"

"Why are you being so nice all of a sudden?"

Meredith meets Derek at his car, hoping to avoid any notice from other hospital staff since she and Derek are still officially broken up. At least, she thinks they are. It's getting hard to keep track. She sees Cristina preparing for rounds before she disappears into a patient's room. Izzie will be at home, getting ready for her day in the fund-raising office of the clinic. Alex was on the same shift as Meredith. His habits are unpredictable; she never knows if he'll be home, home alone, home with a guest, or home with a guest she's biologically related to. Guest issues aside, she really likes Alex as a roommate. He's surprisingly considerate, and she likes his brute force honesty. She suspects they have a lot in common, but doubts she'll ever know him well enough to be sure.

The morning is fresh and sunny, though it rained overnight. She waits by the driver's door, on the curb, still hoping no one notices her. Meredith really doesn't blame anyone who gossips about her; she's given the hospital a lot to talk about. But she hides what she can.

The car's lights flash the and alarm chirps before she sees Derek; she hops in the driver's side and scoots over to the passenger's seat. Once they're a few blocks from the hospital he looks over and asks, "Do you want to stop for breakfast somewhere?"

Getting a decent meal at her house is always an iffy prospect. Derek pays more attention to what and when he eats than Meredith does, so she agrees breakfast would be a good idea. She tries to scan her kitchen cupboards mentally to see if there's anything they can eat later, but she can't remember when she last looked for food. Luckily he chooses a breakfast café near a posh grocery store, probably because he knows her cupboards will be bare.

He strikes a bargain with her; he won't pester her to find out if she's anemic – he thinks she's too pale, even for her - if she'll let him feed her all day. She's a little wary, since they've never had a chance to eat together much, barring a few breakfasts and one dinner date, and he's a bit of a health nut about food, but she's hungry and the café smells good, so she gives in gracefully. They each have an omelet with tomatoes and mushrooms on a bed of spinach and hash browns and orange juice squeezed to order and, of course, coffee. Breakfast doesn't taste right without coffee, even if they're going to bed straight after. They don't talk much because they're both hungry and tired and the food really is good.

At the posh grocery store he buys a big dry-aged strip steak, salad greens, an avocado, tomatoes that actually smell like tomatoes, apples, bananas, blue cheese, chevré, a loaf of rye bread, a bottle of milk, a beautiful bottle of red wine, and when Meredith asks for dessert, a cherry tart. At the checkout she remarks "I'm hungry again," so he buys her something unidentifiable that turns out to be dates squashed into a bar with walnuts and apricots, and it's really good. Maybe the health nut thing isn't so bad.

They get to her house and it's empty. They plop the grocery bags in the bare refrigerator and get ready for bed. He puts his pillow in the middle of the bed next to hers, so she curls up against him and he drapes his arm over her and she clasps his hand. He breathes in the scent of her hair and they both fall asleep. They wake around 3:00 and wander sleepily in and out of the bathroom washing and brushing and dressing. Derek repacks the groceries so they can eat on the ferry and they take off. The day is still sunny so the ferry ride is delightful. They eat bread and cheese and apples until they're full, then sprawl on the bench leaning on each other and enjoying the sun. Meredith feels like they've never been more like a real couple, but it's all a mirage unless they get the talking project underway so she almost reluctantly asks her first question.

"So why are you being so nice all of a sudden?"

"Because you want me to be."

Meredith reruns this answer in her mind a couple of times trying to make sense of it. In the time since she told Derek she would ask him why he was being so nice, she anticipated possible replies, but not this one. She sits up and looks at him, curious but not suspicious. He's smiling, not teasing, not McDreamy, just happy, until he bursts out laughing.

"What?"

"You look exactly like Doc when he was confused, head tilt and all." Derek tilts his head in imitation and she laughs too.

"I miss Doc."

"I do too."

"There has to be a dog."

"As long as you don't call it McDog."

She looks down sheepishly, and he says, "Tell me you never called Doc McDog."

"Only once and I called him my McDog." Thinking about Doc is still apt to bring on tears, but today she doesn't mind if he sees her cry. He moves the bag holding the remains of their picnic to his other side so they can sit close, his arm holding her tight. Eventually she brushes her face with her hand, so he pulls a clean napkin out of their lunch bag and asks her to look at him so he can dry her face. The napkin falls to the ferry deck when his hands brush her hair from her face and he leans in to kiss her, long, slow, sweet kisses that leave them both breathless. They never kissed like that before; even when they were "taking it slow," they were always too hungry for each other to wait. Today they feel different though, both of them, they feel like they have all the time in the world. (That, and they're on the ferry.)

"Didn't I always want you to be nice to me?"

"I think when we met you wanted people to be nice to you, but you expected the opposite, and you were prepared for everything but nice. Given the parents you had it's probably for the best that you had this defense system. And with me specifically, well, it's easier to kick a guy out in the morning if you don't expect him to be nice. And when a guy pesters you in a bar, it's probably best if you do kick him out in the morning. Unless the guy is me, of course."

She tries to shrink into a smaller space; she hates the memories of her one-night stands, especially the ones she can't remember. She's very, very glad she does remember Derek, also glad that he was utterly unforgettable.

"What would you have done if I hadn't shown up at Seattle Grace?"

"I knew where you lived, and I knew I had to see you soon, you said were selling the house. I would have done something."

"Didn't I want you to be nice to me after you and Addison divorced?"

"It seemed like you had extra armor at that point, which I didn't know how to deal with, even though it was there because of me."

"Didn't I ever want you to be nice to me?"

"The Thanksgiving Day we spent at the hospital working on Holden the fireman, I think that day we both wanted to be nice to each other. And that Christmas."

Remembering last Thanksgiving and Christmas is the only thing more likely to make her cry than thinking of Doc. Those memories have the same effect on Derek, so he's glad to say that they ought to get back to the car, since they are in the front of the line and the ferry is almost docked.

She's glad he didn't mention the time before Addison came to Seattle, because though he seemed more than nice at the time (aside from the obvious issue of an attending pursuing a personal relationship with an intern) he kept himself, not just his marital status but his self a secret from her, and when he finally revealed a few details he was seriously obnoxious about it. ("We'll find these things out . . . that's the fun part! . . . that's all you've earned for now.")

When they are settled in the car again Meredith says, "I'm still not sure why you're being nice, but I seriously don't understand why you're not being a jerk anymore. . . " She's a little apprehensive about saying that, afraid to spoil their happy mood, but being afraid to spoil things is part of what brought them to this crisis, so she decides to say exactly what she means.

He smiles reassuringly. He's serious, but not offended. "For a long time I didn't understand that I was being a jerk, or how much of a jerk I was. Addie and I weren't unhappy overnight; we were unhappy a long time. Being unhappy, that unhappy for that long, well, it can change you into a jerk, like me, or a fury, like your mother, or a coward, like your father. The only person I can think of who has endured unhappiness and retained her essential sweetness is you. And maybe Adele Webber."

"Wow. I can't believe that's what you think of me."

"That's what I think of you. You're well defended, that's what shrinks call it when you have those barriers up, but you aren't mean or angry, you see the best in everybody, you look out for everybody even when you're in need, you're honest, you don't hold grudges. When I met you at Joe's, when I persuaded you to talk to me, I felt like myself the way I was twelve years ago, before all the unhappiness. I didn't even realize that I'd become such a jerk. I might have stayed that way forever if I hadn't met you."

"So you're not being a jerk because you're not really a jerk, you just turned into one because of unhappiness, and you're being nice because something I said convinced you that you could be nice and I wouldn't be defensive?"

"Right"

"What did I say?"

"Lots of things. About taking down the dam. Reminding me of when we met, which reminded me of what you helped me recover. We're equals at this, I'd never thought of that, I thought I'd be the knight in shining whatever. About forgiving your mother, that you didn't want to use things against me, Addie couldn't have understood what she suggested. There had to be a dog, so I knew you wanted a life together. That you would go if we couldn't clear the backlog, so I knew you wanted a good life together. I could see that you were OK with your decision to end it, this was my last chance. And when you told me about George, I saw myself as I really was, how I talked to you that day in the stairwell, what I'd become. And I knew that I couldn't revert to the old me, the real me, without you."

"Wow."

"I was horrible to you about George because I was jealous about Finn. It didn't occur to me that George initiated it. Apparently you were the only person who didn't know what George felt for you. Everyone blamed you for stringing him along, but you weren't doing that. You don't hurt your friends to make yourself feel better."

"I used to sleep with guys to make myself feel better."

"Most of those guys probably weren't hurt by that. And you were kind to the guy with the tumor, even though it must have been pretty excruciating."

"I'd rather not remember that."

"Then don't. Think about the steak you're having for dinner."

"We just ate lunch."

"You'll find room."

They're almost to the trailer but there's one thing still bothering her. "How come you knew all these answers, you didn't even have to think things over?"

"I had a lot of time to think while I was waiting for the guy in the coma to come out of it."

"Did he come out of it?"

"He wasn't fully lucid before I left, but it looked good."

"I'm glad."

"Me too."

He parks the car and they start gathering bundles and bags and make their way to the trailer. The grass is wet, it's almost dark, but the sky is a beautiful dark azure and Derek knows it won't last long. He tells her just to drop the stuff so they can watch the stars come out and does she want a beer or maybe some scotch? She's never had scotch in all the time she's known him, so she decides to see what it's like. They settle into the deck chairs and she surprises him by pointing out Venus and Mars. "I didn't know you knew stuff like that."

"I went to college. I liked physics. And English. And history. And music."

"Did you like art? My one sister who isn't a doctor is an art historian. She's a curate at The Cloisters."

"I don't get art, except if I like looking at the picture. Then I just like looking at it, I don't want to talk about it."

Meredith is almost trained not to ask Derek questions about himself, and he seems to realize it, so he volunteers: "You can ask me anything you want to know, I'm not keeping secrets anymore."

"Tell me about Addison, why you got married and why you were unhappy."


	3. McDreamy's Story

**McDreamy's Story**

Derek stalls for a few minutes before answering Meredith's question about why he and Addison married and why they were unhappy. "Did you McInterns ever give Addie a McNickname?"

"Alex and George once said she was McHot."

"Who started that McThing anyway?"

"Cristina."

"Why am I not surprised."

"You'd like her if you knew her better."

"I'd like her better if she liked me better."

"She might like you better one day."

"Besides you, who does she like?"

"She likes Dr. Bailey."

"Everybody likes Bailey."

"She likes Alex and George too, but she thinks they do stupid things."

"Well, they do."

"Who doesn't?"

Derek leaves off the banter and takes the plunge. "Addie wasn't McHot when I met her. She was good-looking, but she didn't color her hair, or hide behind make-up, or wear 900 dollar shoes. She had wavy auburn hair and wore jeans like everybody else, and worked hard and she was fun. She went to the same university as Mark and they went out for a while – as long as anyone goes out with Mark. But they stayed friends."

"So, just a regular nice person."

"She wanted to be a regular nice person, but Addie's parents were more like bank accounts than people. All they cared about was money and society. They brought her up to be a social asset. She's much more than a social asset, she's smart, compassionate, she can be a good friend and a good teacher."

"She got Alex's respect, which is quite an achievement because he's a of a bit sexist and did not want to care about mothers and babies."

"See, she brought out his good qualities, which only a good person could do."

"You don't have to convince me she's a good person."

"I have to convince you that I know she's a good person. Because I was, am still, really angry with her, and as you know, I'm mean when I'm mad."

"I'm convinced."

"Mark and Addie and I all were at med school together. I didn't know her much until first year finals. She found her boyfriend in bed with another woman, in her apartment. Ironic, isn't it? Mark found out – he always knew that kind of thing – and he asked me to help pack up the guy's stuff and put it in the hall and change the locks. We stayed with her that week so we could study all the time and help her keep focused on the work, not the breakup."

"It was kind of Mark to think of that."

"He was a kind person. He didn't want to be alone with her, because it would be too easy for one of them to get distracted, lose focus."

"Mark needs somebody to remind him of his natural state so he can revert to it."

"He does. I think he wants me to do it."

"Yuck."

"Right. Then after finals Mark and I went to the shore with my Mom and two of my sisters. We brought Addie. Mom always liked our friends. She mothered the motherless ones like Mark and Addie. Addie did desperately want to be part of a real family. I think she fell in love with mine."

"Hers doesn't sound very lovable."

"They loved her in their way, but their way was to dress her up and take her to expensive places to show off how pretty she was. They never cared that she was a med student. They liked her better if she had a boyfriend, and they liked the boyfriend to be a med student."

"Ouch."

"She started asking me to go with her as a favor, out with her parents, and she was hanging out with my family because she loved them, and pretty soon we were a couple. You know how med school is, there's no time to think about major life decisions. We shouldn't have made any."

"But you did."

"Swear to me that you will never tell anyone this. It would mortify her."

"She asked you?"

"She asked me. You didn't swear."

"I swear and I think I need more scotch."

"Do you like it?"

"I do. It's kind of like Scottish people, kind of serious and dark and unreadable. But really interesting when you get past that."

"I've never been to Scotland."

"Well, if you drink nothing but scotch, you should go. And don't call a Scottish person scotch. They hate that."

"Did you?"

"No, I was warned in time."

"You didn't drink tequila in Scotland, did you?"

"No, they have great beer. So she asked you . . . and that didn't seem weird to you?"

"If you have four sisters and you look like I do, you get asked out a lot. I was used to it."

Meredith erupts in laughter, overflowing, like a volcano. She drops her glass as peal after peal of laughter bubbles out. She tries to stop, but every time she clamps down on it, she makes a noise like "pffffffttt" and the cascade starts again.

"How is that funny?"

"I'm trying to stop, really I am, pfffffttt," then a long ripple of giggles.

"I think I'll light the grill and make the salad. Why don't you try to walk it off?"

Derek gets busy with the dinner and Meredith wanders around in front and back of the trailer. He occasionally hears more peals of laughter, and occasionally cracks a grin. It is funny, but he's used to it.

Meredith comes back to reclaim her glass, pours some scotch and asks a question. "Did you ever ask anyone out before me?"

He just glares at her, which starts her laughing again, and she walks off into the dark. Apparently the scotch has a sedative effect; when she returns she's able to contain her laughter by biting her lips.

"I can see you trying not to laugh."

"I didn't realize you knew that you look like that. You don't use it to manipulate people and you're not vain."

"My whole family looks like this, so I didn't see it as special."

"Should I help you with the food?"

She knows the real answer is no, she should not help because she doesn't know how to cook, but he's tactful and says there's only room for one person, and to enjoy the sky from the deck. When it's ready he calls her in to the little table in the little room between the kitchen and the bedroom. The steak smells fabulous. Rather than dividing it between the two of them, he sliced it on a plate between them. That way she can have seconds and thirds without feeling like a pig. The salad and the wine and the tart are beautiful colors, and she's actually hungry again. They eat for a while without talking; the food is good and he thinks she needs it.

"How does such a little person eat so much?"

"How do you look like that?"

"We're freaks of nature."

"That's what it is."

She has seconds (or thirds) and he pours the rest of the wine. She looks at the label, it's colorful and artful and exotic. "Do you know anything about this wine?"

"It's a shiraz from South Africa. The guy that owns this vineyard used to be a veterinarian. Maybe he still is. His older wines used to have animal themes. There was one called 'Palomino' named after the grape, but also a horse. Sherry is made from that grape."

"How do you know that?"

"I read the back of the bottle."

"Palomino isn't a horse, it's a color of horses. That are colored like that."

"How do you know that?"

"I read the back of the horse."

"Droll."

"When did you and Addison get married?"

"We had finished our second year as surgical residents. Her mother planned the wedding and we just showed up. It was a society event – I didn't recognize most of the guests but the Mayor and the Governor came, and there were reporters. I wasn't prepared for it; neither was my family. My sisters were given their bridesmaid's gowns, none of us realized they were couture. Addie didn't get it that I still hadn't grasped how wealthy her family is. They bought us an apartment for a wedding present, with a decorator, no budget. And the gifts from her family and their friends were staggering. There was a trust fund for the kids we didn't have yet. Addie had a trust fund. I felt like a gold digger."

"Well, she asked you."

"I didn't even buy her ring. I could have bought her a box of Crackerjacks and hoped it had a ring in it, but her dad wanted her to have a couple of carats, so he bought it. She assumed one day I'd replace it, but we didn't get to that point."

"She threw it off the ferry."

"How do you know that?"

"Callie asked and I overheard."

"Eavesdropped."

"Same thing. So did it go wrong from the beginning?"

"Not right away. I was uncomfortable about the wealth. She was surprised that I was uncomfortable, but she was eventually glad. She wanted to be valued for herself."

"Well, at least you gave her that."

"I gave her that and I gave her my family. Sometimes I think she wanted to marry me so she could be one of the Shepard girls. Also I think once she felt a connection with my family she wanted it with her own parents, so she tried to take an interest in their social events."

"I still don't understand who her parents hung out with."

"I didn't either. If we were at one of those things Addie had to do all the talking. I became a fashion accessory."

"That hurts."

"A lot of this is guesswork. We didn't talk about it, even after she moved out here, so I could be wrong about everything. I should have asked her about it, but I didn't care anymore."

"So when did you become a fashion accessory?"

"About a year after we were licensed and started practicing. She attracted patients who were connections of her parents and she did great work but it kept her in the limelight. She wanted to go to charity balls and have her picture in the papers. And I didn't. She still wanted to be with my family but I was starting to feel like a marital failure and I can't keep up an act. So she went to Shepard functions alone."

"Do they know why?"

"Not from me."

"Will they?"

"I have many fences to mend."

"Fences keep people out."

"Some other metaphor, then."

Meredith mimics the Wicked West of the West. "All in good time, my pretty."

"There it is."

There's another pause while they each take some of the cherry tart, and he can see by the way she's looking at it that she only took as much as he did to be polite, so he gives her more. He's doing all the talking anyway. He's had way too much time to think about this and it's a relief to get it off his mind. "I didn't like being at home in the over-decorated brownstone across from the Park, so I took on more surgeries and consults. Maybe because I was absent she got more interested in the society things to replace the life she thought we'd have. I don't know. I don't know if she knows. I don't know why she put up with it as long as she did."

"Do you know why . . . or how?" But she can't finish the question. He knows she's asking about Addison and Mark.

"Mark was supposed to meet me at the house to go play racquetball. Addie was scheduled for a surgery; maybe it was cancelled. I had an emergency surgery and no time to leave word for Mark. He knew the code to our house and was used to walking in and out. Addie looked like she'd just taken a shower. That's all I know."

"Why did you think you should try again? I mean, you know, I told you I thought you did the right thing, but I'm just wondering what you thought."

"She was out here, away from the social stuff. I thought I owed it to her. It wasn't until Christmas that I admitted to myself, and to her, that I was in love with you."

"Why did you stay with her after that?"

"I told her the truth – that you weren't a fling or revenge – that I fell in love with you. She chose to understand it as past tense. You were moving on."

"It wasn't because you needed to be the good guy, like she said?"

"No, when have I ever been the good guy? If she met me half-way I thought I should meet her half-way. We were married. I didn't realize I couldn't get over you; I didn't even want to get over you. I'd never been in love before. I don't think she has either. We were the blind leading the blind."

"You've never been in love before?"

"No, have you?"

"No, but I was committed to keeping people out. I'd have thought you would have more opportunities."

"I had one but I didn't take it. We didn't take it. She was from Australia, here for one year, the last year of college. We made the most of it, but tried to make it easier to for her to go home."

"I don't even know where you went to college."

"Columbia."

"Med school?"

"Columbia. Did you go to Dartmouth or do you just wear that ratty t-shirt?"

"I got my BS at Dartmouth."

"Med school?"

"My mother was in Boston for treatment. She needed limited supervision. I had to move down there. I went to Harvard."

"Good for you. Why doesn't anybody know it?"

"I don't know how much a role my mother played in it. Zillions of people owe her favors. Her rolodex is amazing, she keeps note of everything she ever did for a person. Anyway, I had the grades and the test scores and the pedigree. Nobody asked what I did in my spare time."

"What did you do in your spare time?"

"When we were in Seattle I did what my friends did. So, ballet and horses and ice skating and swimming and boys. Only with pink hair and all black clothes and a bad attitude."

"Hmm, ballet. That's why you're so flexible. What did you do at Dartmouth?"

"Party, I'm afraid."

"You must have had neurons to spare."

"What did you do?"

""Pretty much just work. We all did, my sisters and I. My Dad was an ER doctor, he saw a lot of unexpected death and he was very prudent, so he had substantial life insurance. There was even enough for grad school, if we worked and lived at home. We all hated loans."

"You must have got along really well with your sisters and your Mom."

"Well, Nancy's difficult. Every family's got a difficult person. Nancy's better with the girls. I annoy her. But my other sisters are great, and there were always a lot of people at the house. My Mom made everyone comfortable so there was a constant stream of study groups and going out at night and big dinners."

"When did your sisters marry?"

"I'm the next youngest and I got married first. They were all in their 30's, and they're all happy, with lots of kids."

"Why did you leave New York like that?"

"Shock. Humiliation. She was so cruel. I didn't deserve that. And with Mark. We'd been like brothers since we were in grade school. I still can't" . . . he breaks off, shaking his head. "There were decent ways for her to break it off. I wasn't jealous, but she knew what it felt like to be cheated on and she did it to me anyway. I just didn't want to be anywhere near her."

"What about your work?"

"I was getting restless in private practice; it's a good way to get experience and let all the schooling sink in, but you stagnate, even with consults and conferences. One of the partners wanted to bring in a new guy, so I sold out to him, and started calling around. I stayed in a hotel and screened calls and deleted messages from Addie or Mark. Richard wanted a neurosurgern and was willing to give me a shot. And you saved my ass with Katie Bryce. I don't think I could have taken it if I'd lost my first patient. Mr. Levangie with the DBS, that was another big score, and you persuaded him. I owe a lot to all you guys. George alerted me to Taylor, that anesthetist who drank. Jamie could have died if I hadn't been subconsciously watching her anesthesia, and I was really tired that day, but Cristina kept me on my toes. Izzie and Alex got a Demerol/Dilaudid addict into rehab, after he injured himself fighting discharge. Alex was hostile, but he was good, he knew what the guy was doing to himself. I didn't recognize it myself."

"Izzie said Alex's dad was a heroin addict."

"Alex said that in the surgery."

"You should tell them what you just said."

"They would just think I was sucking up."

"You, sucking up."

"It's surreal, in New York I was treated like a cross between God and a movie star. I come to Seattle and fall in love with an intern, and now I'm despised by students because I hurt you. I feel like Lucifer fallen from grace, only without deserving it, not all of it anyway. And you . . . I don't know what you feel."

There's a fairly long silence before he breaks it: "That's a hint."

She looks up. "I love you. I'll always love you. But you treated me like you were a cross between God and a movie star, and I was an intern at your disposal. Medically and personally. You kept your self a secret from me. And you made me a pawn in the wreckage of your marriage. You should have told me you were married."

"When? When could I have told you that you'd accept it? And I wasn't married, I was separated. That's a big distinction, legally and morally. And what about what she did? How about if I had just told you that?"

"Don't get mad."

She moves over to his bench and reaches one arm around his shoulders and runs her fingers through his hair. He rests his head on her shoulder and rubs the round muscle above her knee with one hand. He wants to turn and kiss her, but there isn't room.

Meredith says, "Remember the first time you showed me the trailor? You owe me an apology for what you said to me that night."

"What did I say?"

"I kept asking for background, I didn't know anything about you, you wouldn't tell me anything or even acknowledge I needed to know anything. And you said 'we'll find these things out, that's the fun part' and 'the rest you have to take on faith' and 'that's all you've earned for now'. I was just so glad you took me to your home I put up with it. Otherwise it would have been our first big fight."

There's a long pause.

"That was awful. I have no excuse. There just wasn't anything I could tell you without telling you the one thing I should have told you. I know it was wrong not telling you I was separated, married, whatever. The night it started I didn't think about it, and in the morning I knew I could tell you the truth and lose you, or keep it secret until I thought you wouldn't want to lose me. And the night I showed you the trailer I was nervous about how you'd feel about it. You know how Addie and Nancy and Mark mock it." He lefts his head so they can look into each other's eyes and she can see he's very, very sorry. "I'm very, very sorry." They kiss, not a sexy kiss, a kiss to mark the apology given and accepted.

"There, that's one crossed off the list."

"It wasn't so bad. You got a laugh out of it, anyway."

"You do talk."

"As long as you keep asking me questions."

They get up to clean the dishes and prepare for bed. Derek makes sandwiches with the leftover steak and packs breakfast and lunch for the next day while Meredith washes, dries and puts away the dishes. It's only 10:00 but they have to get up at 4:00, so they squeeze together in the little bed. Meredith says, "I think you should get a better mattress for this bed." Derek agrees to get a better mattress for both their beds, and they fall asleep, to be waked up by the alarm and the exquisite call of a screech owl.


	4. ASAP

**ASAP**

Meredith is used to people at Seattle Grace staring at and talking about her, but Derek's OR nurse makes Meredith a little uncomfortable, and she doesn't know why. Does the nurse stare just a little too long? Is there some judgment in her gaze? Meredith doesn't want to draw her friends' attention to it, so she doesn't ask them if they see what she sees. She also doesn't want to mention it to Derek, they have too much to talk about and not enough time to talk. But her discomfort doesn't go away.

The hospital is trying a new shift arrangement for the residents. The rationale behind the 24-hour shifts was that residents saw patients through the most critical time for diagnosis, and patients benefited from residents following their cases through that 24-hour period. However, residents who haven't slept in 24 hours rack up more errors, and more serious errors, than residents who are rested. Those errors detract seriously from the benefit to patients. Now the residents have five 14-hour shifts every seven days, 6 am to 8 pm or 6 pm to 8 am. They overlap for two hours at every shift change, to give patients continuity in care.

Meredith likes the new system in some respects, especially that she gets more rest. She thought it would give her and Derek more time together, but so far it's given them less. That could be bad luck – he's had several lengthy emergency surgeries that went past the end of his shift – or it could be a permanent problem. They just have to wait and see.

Tonight they're having good luck. It's 8 pm, tomorrow she is off, and he has no surgeries scheduled. Izzie's visiting her mother and Alex has the night shift. Meredith wants to go to bed early and not sleep. With her housemates away they can be as noisy as they want without causing any comment.

The evening is warmer than usual for the time of year. After eight years in New England Meredith still has the habit of staying outside at any opportunity in the autumn, because who knows when the last good day of the year will be? She rocks gently on the porch swing, waiting for Derek. He was just coming out of surgery as she was leaving and he told her to go ahead, he'd be right behind her.

She hadn't asked Derek to "take it slow," as she had when they resumed their relationship after his divorce, but he must think that's what she wants, because he hasn't initiated any sex. She knows (or hopes she knows) that it's not for lack of interest. Their typical sleeping arrangement, her back nestled against his chest, means that she inevitably feels him growing hard against her as she falls asleep and when she wakes up. She would feel like a tease, except that it also happened when they were a regular couple having lots of noisy sex that annoyed her housemates.

Meredith wasn't always noisy at sex; it's something Derek brought out in her. In her previous experience men tended to be fairly forceful, and she never stayed with anyone long enough to suggest that hands don't have to be sledgehammers, or propose that a man start with a light touch. But Derek's hands are precision instruments and what's more, he knows where all the sweet spots are. Maybe that's medical knowledge, but Meredith doesn't think so. She's a doctor and what she knows she learned from him. Any surgeon would use his hands precisely, but Derek uses his artfully, and not just his hands - his mouth, his tongue, his whole body create crescendos of sensation in her that she can't contain in silence. The times when he can use all the power he has, those are the loudest times, and the best, even if she is sore the next day. Once when Izzie complained (again) about the noise Meredith said in exasperation "I'd have listed it on the flyer – washer, dryer and noisy sex roommate – if I'd known, but I didn't know. OK? I didn't know." Izzie and George stopped complaining and started using earplugs when Derek stayed over.

The night she and Derek met Derek was so exciting that Meredith wondered if she was good enough (sexually speaking) to give as good as she was getting, until he made it joltingly clear that she was. Despite all their jokes about being drunk and taking advantage, neither of them were more than just a little bit high. After all, they both had to work the next day. Later she remembered everything in enough detail to wonder how she had satisfied him. Four years of one night stands in college don't make a good lover, she knew that. When Cristina asked her the next day "Was he any good? He looks like he'd be good. Was it any good?" Meredith wanted to say looks had nothing to do with it. She'd had her eyes closed most of the time, though whenever she opened them, she'd find Derek looking intently into her face. When she and Derek began sleeping together regularly, Meredith felt completely out of her league, until she realized that her response to his lovemaking was as wildly erotic for him as his touch was for her. He didn't try to teach her anything, but she wanted to be for him what he was for her, so in time Izzie and George had two noisy sex roommates.

Derek's car pulls into the driveway and Meredith tries to channel her thoughts in a direction that won't result in her jumping Derek on the porch and having sex where even more people can hear them. He drops his bag and kisses her before joining her on the swing, pulling her into his embrace.

"Derek?"

"Hmm?"

"Did you think I wanted to "take it slow" like when we got back together last time?"

"I assumed you wanted that."

"Oh. Well, you said we would do whatever I said we had to do, so I didn't think we had to take it slow this time."

"That's very good news."

They swing in contented silence for a while before she asks "Derek?"

"Hmm?"

"Your OR nurse looks at me in a weird way. What did you tell her anyway?"

There's a pause, which grows uncomfortably long, until she sits up so she can look at him and the swing stops rocking.

"I haven't had a chance to talk to her."

Meredith is incredulous. "What? It's been like, two weeks. How could you not have time to talk to her?"

"All I'd tell her is that I'm staying with my girlfriend and that I'm sorry about initiating something with her when I hadn't made a final decision with my girlfriend."

"How long would it take to say that? How could you not have time for that?"

"I don't see her much, only in the OR. It's not the kind of thing you can say in the middle of a surgery. Look, you're blowing this out of proportion. I didn't have that much of a relationship with her that I have to talk to her urgently."

"I don't know anything about your relationship, but I know how she looks at me."

"She doesn't even know you are my girlfriend."

"Derek, everybody in the hospital knows I'm your girlfriend. Patients in comas know I'm your girlfriend."

It's true, everyone in the hospital does know about them. Since Addison arrived out of the blue almost a year ago, he and Meredith have been the hospital's favorite soap opera characters, and they're not even on a TV show.

"Derek, you want me to trust you and then you do this! You have another woman thinking she's your girlfriend, or she could be your girlfriend. I don't have a guy I dated once or twice glaring at you in the halls who I can call if you piss me off!"

"I didn't date her even once, I had drinks with her at Joe's. You think I'd call her if I got pissed off at you?"

"You started whatever it is with her when you were pissed off at me, didn't you?" She pauses, sad now, and says, "Look, don't get mad. She's just another piece of the dam before she can be water under the bridge. You have to talk to her, that's all."

"Would you rather I took care of it now, or can we have a nice night together and I take care of it later?"

"Now." She's holding back tears that she doesn't want him to see, so he can't kiss her goodbye. He just says "OK" and picks up his leather bag and goes back to his car. As he pulls out of the driveway he sees her facing the house, leaning against it, probably crying, but the best remedy is to do as she asked, so he drives back to the hospital to find out the nurse's last name or home phone number. He doesn't even know her well enough to have this information already.

When the sound of Derek's car recedes Meredith grabs her own bag from the swing and goes inside. She drops her bag by the coat rack and hangs up her coat and walks slowly upstairs to her room. Her thoughts are all bitter. She was thinking about sex, but it's not even two weeks into their renewed relationship and already he's broken faith. She flops face down on her bed, crying, until she dozes off.

She dreams of the stupid dance the Chief insisted they put on for his niece. In her dream she sees Derek glaring fiercely at her as she dances with Finn and Derek dances with his wife. She runs from Derek though she knows he will follow. She runs through the hospital (in her dream) much longer than she really did, until he catches and holds and kisses her, fierce kisses that almost make up for the long time they were parted. Her hands crave the feel of his skin, but he's got on a tux and all she can touch are wool and cotton. She can feel his hands though, like sweet fire in her hair, on her bare arms and back and shoulders, holding the back of her head and arching her neck so that she can feel his mouth at her throat. In her dream, as it was in reality, she feels the wrong she's doing her lover's wife, but also the overwhelming relief and joy of knowing that he still loves her, that he never stopped loving her. He lifts her up and the dream fades as she falls more deeply asleep, but she sleeps more happily because in her dream she felt his constant love.

She doesn't wake when his car returns and he unlocks her front door and calls out for her. There are no lights on, so the logical place to look for her is her bedroom, though it's still early. He turns on lights as he goes upstairs, opens her door and turns on the lamp just inside to find her face down on the bed, still asleep. He maneuvers around the bed so he can sit by her shoulders, rubs her back and says "Meredith" softly, hoping not to startle her. She wakes easily, though, and when she tries to sit up he sees her face, her eyes red and swollen from crying, so he goes into her bathroom and soaks a facecloth with cold water. She's sitting on the side of the bed when he returns. He sits beside her and wipes her face carefully, lovingly, then rinses the cloth, brings it back and hands it to her. She buries her face in it, the cold feels good on her sore eyes. She doesn't usually cry much, and doesn't understand why she's prone to it these days.

Derek says, "I didn't think it would matter that much."

"Did she think it mattered much?"

"She thought it mattered more than I thought she would."

"Then it mattered."

"Apparently it did."

"It's a common complaint about men; they don't realize they have to finish things."

"Are you hungry?"

"No."

She usually isn't, until you put food in front of her. Derek is hungry so he says "Why don't you keep me company in the kitchen and then we'll take a bath and go to bed?" He has to be at the hospital by 6 am, and it's past 10, so he'll get about 4 hours of sleep, but that's not a problem if he has no surgeries. She mumbles into the cloth that he'd be better off with a shower in the morning, which he can't translate, so she has to lift her head and say it again. He agrees that he would be better off with a shower in the morning, so they decide he'll eat and they'll go to bed. At this point he still maintains the fiction that it's just a coincidence that there's food for her too when he cooks for himself.

He found it hopeless keeping vegetables at her house; with their erratic schedules most things rot before they are eaten. So in the refrigerator he keeps eggs and butter and some good olive oil in a boxed marked "Izzie, don't touch," oranges in the fruit bin, and a loaf of good bread in the back of the freezer. The residents are too tired to peel an orange and only Izzie knows where the juicer is, so Derek can produce scrambled eggs and toast and orange juice any time. While he's searching for his loaf of bread he finds a cold gel-pak thing she can use to keep the cloth she's holding to her eyes cold and he sets it down in front of her with a bottle of beer. Where there's Alex, there's beer, and Alex doesn't mind sharing as long as there's plenty left for him.

"Did your parents feed you when you were a kid? You seem to have no sense of hunger."

"I don't remember much until we lived in Boston and then I had a nanny."

"Did the nanny feed you?"

"The first one didn't cook much, she mostly just opened tins."

"Tins."

"Cans. My first nanny was English."

"Lots of toast then?"

"Baked beans on toast, sardines on toast, bread and butter, bread and cheese, bread and jelly and toast and dripping, which is the muck from the bottom of the pan when you fry up bacon."

"You ate that?"

"I don't think I did."

"Were there any nannies that you especially liked?"

"The English one was nice, but old. She didn't stay very long. My real Boston nanny was Irish, she loved kids and we had lots of friends. Her food was wonderful. Her mother used to send us things, breads and cakes with fruit and brandy or something, so they didn't spoil. Her name was Molly Malone, like the song, we used to sing that a lot. She taught me lots of songs. I loved her but she couldn't leave Boston. After we came back here I didn't have a nanny long, my mother hired maids to take care of the house and they were supposed to look after me too."

"I'm not feeling much sympathy for your mother right now."

"Yeah, me neither."

The toast pops up, the eggs are done, the juice is squeezed. They eat quickly, because she is hungry, then they put the dishes in the dishwasher, hide Derek's food, and leave Alex an IOU. They make it to bed by 11:30 and set her alarm by his pillow, as well as his pager and hers, because he's afraid he won't wake up. They curl up as usual. When he brushes her hair off her face and neck with his hand so he can kiss her, he discovers her face is damp again.

"Meredith, what's the matter?"

She shakes her head and buries her face in her pillow. Two weeks ago that might have been enough; he might have given up at that. But she's made him stronger already; he says "I don't give up that easy anymore. Please, tell me what's wrong."

After a long pause, when she can tell from the tension in his body that he isn't giving up that easy, she says, more to her pillow than to him "I wanted you tonight."

There's nothing he can do but hold her tight and whisper that he's sorry and kiss her neck and promise that they'll have each other soon. They both relax and fall asleep quickly and when she wakes up, he's gone. He left a note on his pillow, which says:

"ASAP_"_


	5. The Bendy Thing in the Shower

**The Bendy Thing in the Shower**

Meredith's life settles into a routine, an unfamiliar but pleasant feeling. The new shift schedule is starting to work out so that she and Derek have a couple of evenings a week, and usually one day, sometimes two. When they have at least 18 hours, they usually go to the trailer, because winter is coming on and the trailer will be uncomfortable when the weather turns colder. Meredith is not ready to try fishing, but studying is something she can do under any circumstances, so if Derek wants to fish she lounges by the river, bundled into a sleeping bag if it's cold, with a textbook.

There's no further talk of building a house on Derek's land for the time being. It's too far from the hospital to be their only home as long as she's a resident. On his own fairly regular schedule Derek managed the commute with a few nights at a hotel or at the hospital, but Meredith's schedule mixes nights and days and her days off are never the same two weeks running. With sufficient household help they might be able to live there permanently with kids and dogs, but that's a couple of years away. For now it's the one place they can be alone; after a year of living out one crisis after another for the entertainment of the entire hospital they are grateful for the refuge of the trailer.

Derek fulfilled his promise of a better mattress for the bed, with new sheets and pillows and a fluffy down duvet as well. There's not much else about a trailer that can be upgraded, but while he's packing up his gear after fishing and Meredith is wiggling out of the sleeping bag she calls her study cocoon, Derek asks Meredith if there's anything else she wants to do to the trailer. She looks up in surprise and says no, it's perfect as it is.

That Meredith thinks his trailer is perfect makes Derek so happy he goes right into McDreamy mode and picks her up in a bear hug. She's so small that he has no trouble lifting her off the ground unless she resists. Derek is kind of damp and smells of fish, but Meredith doesn't resist, she wraps her legs around him and grips his hips with her thighs. She giggles when he kisses her face because he's skipped several shaves and he's tickling her. There are stages to his stubble, first scratchy, then prickly and finally ticklely. He usually shaves before ticklely, which is the only stubble phase she can actually enjoy. She lets her head fall back so he can kiss her neck and she giggles as the kisses and tickles warm her up after a few hours in the chilly air. He demands a real kiss, so she lets go of him and slides to the ground and meets his eager mouth with her own.

After their last serious talk their lovemaking shifted into a new and different phase. There's no lack of fire, but instead of an uncontrolled blaze it's more like the warmth and glow of a woodstove, comforting and reassuring and domestic. They both find it exciting to be so close, so deep in each other. He had told her once in the bath that he could "take it incredibly slow" and he's been showing her how slow he can go. It's a quieter way of having sex; their satisfaction doesn't pass through the walls of her room. Still, there's the bendy thing in the shower, which they both look forward to every time they come to the trailer. And no one can hear them on his land.

The air's getting chillier so they hurry a little on their walk back to the trailer. Meredith doesn't mind the smell of fish in the trailer – she likes fish – so Derek can clean and gut his catch in the sink with warm water, instead of outside in the cold pump water. When he's finished with the fish, Derek strips off his fishing clothes, stuffs them in the washing machine and starts the shower so the water will be hot by the time Meredith is unclothed, a process he initiates by pulling off the first in a layer of sweaters she's wearing. Soon her clothes are flung all over the trailer as they race to get her undressed and into the steamy shower.

One luxury of the trailer is a big tank for hot water and a fast and efficient water heater. A shower can usually last as long as they want it. Meredith invented the bendy thing in the shower by leaning against one side of the stall, raising one leg to rest on Derek's shoulder and inviting him inside. He was surprised by the configuration, but amazed by the result, sort of like circus sex. There's no other position that gives him more freedom to thrust as deep and as hard, and the arch of her back opens her up so that they both get the ultimate in fulfillment. Over time they've introduced improvements – now she rests her foot on the opposite side of the stall, and he lifts her a little, grasping her from behind – and when her hips jolt and the arch of her back deepens he can let himself go. They don't really hear themselves in their triumph, the noise is just another element in the frenzy of orgasm.

Afterwards they rest against each other in the stream of hot water, and eventually wash themselves or each other, dry themselves or each other, and scramble into warm clothes before the warmth from the shower dissipates. The trailer has a small electric heater but they can't use too many appliances at once, and the fish clothes need a wash. So they wear long underwear and extra sweaters and think nothing of it. Derek tries not to compare Meredith and Addison, but it's impossible for him to suppress his thought that where Addison hated his trailer ("hate!, hate!") Meredith likes his trailer; she doesn't just tolerate it, she doesn't just refrain from complaints about its limitations in comfort and convenience, she actually likes it.

Meredith has taken on a few kitchen chores in a very small step toward maybe someday possibly cooking. Maybe. No promises. While she's peeling carrots at the sink and buttering potato halves and wrapping them and the carrot chunks in foil she thinks it would be fun to have some music. When the potatoes are baking and the fish is ready for the grill, they sit down at the table and Derek pours scotch for each of them. Meredith says "I thought of another trailer decorating idea."

"What's that?"

"You could get those speakers you hook up to your iPod and we could have music."

"You don't like my taste in music."

"We could take turns. Or maybe you would like my taste in music. Or maybe I'd like your taste better if you had a broader range of angry Englishmen on your iPod. Joe Jackson or Elvis Costello or the Pogues or the Waterboys or Joe Strummer or Velvet Underground – and maybe some angry women?"

"Do you know all these angry Englishmen?"

"Well, some are Irish. I heard the Waterboys when I was in Ireland and I looked up some others on Napster when I was at Cristina's apartment. She's got cable internet for the rest of the year. Burke paid bills in yearly installments."

"What music do you like?"

"I like Kate Bush and Annie Lennox and Suzanne Vega. Nina Simone. REM and 16 Horsepower. Emmy Lou Harris. The Cars. Steely Dan. Sinéad O'Connor."

"You don't have an iPod, do you?"

"No, until my mother died I was really frugal because I didn't know how long her own money would last. If I needed to contribute I wanted to be ready."

"Is that why you have roommates?"

"At first it was, because there are taxes and utilities and all that. Their rent mostly paid for that. Now it's more because I can't kick them out. Izzie lives on practically nothing, until she gets a foundation together to support the clinic she's paying herself only enough for food and rent. I just charge her enough to cover a third of the utilities, and she's not even baking anymore, even though she needs the relaxation. She's doing yoga instead."

"How is it going? – the fund-raising for the clinic?"

"She's got regular contributors and she's on the way to making it the "hot" charity in Seattle, probably because she's pretty hot herself. I think she's working on a charity ball, and you know, we'll have to go. But you can do the talking and I'll be the fashion accessory."

"You could give her the rolodex your mother kept."

"You know what? I could! My mother would have actually liked that. And I know some of the people, or they know me from when I was a kid, so I could introduce her. That's a brilliant idea."

"If I was Izzie I'd say 'Yay me!'"

"If you were Izzie, you would."

"Well, I'm not, so I think I'll go grill the fish."

"I'll get the dishes and stuff."

Meredith doesn't know that he knows, but her birthday is approaching, and he has a plan. He collected some gifts: two Dartmouth t-shirts so that she'll have a new ratty one if the current ratty one ever wears out, a Harvard t-shirt because it's silly to hide the fact that she went to Harvard, a small pillow filled with dried lavender, and now he can get her an iPod and a membership at iTunes. Izzie promised to bake a cake. Any of her friends that are free the night they celebrate he'll invite to her house for dinner. It will be impromptu so the others won't have time to think of presents; presents from her friends would embarrass her. But he's pretty sure she won't mind dinner and a cake. It's next week, so he just has to wait until the residents' schedule is up. He hopes Bailey's free because her interns still feel very bonded to her, but they don't see her much. And they'd love to have baby Tuck. He'd be the life of the party.

Their dinner is perfect. When they finish Derek peels tangerines from a bowl on the table and passes her half of each. After the third tangerine Meredith asks "Are you a health 'nut' or do you just eat healthy food because you like it and you don't like junk food?"

"I'm not a nut."

"You know what I mean."

"My father died when I was 10."

"How did he die?"

"Anaphylaxis. It was before cell-phones and Epi-Pens, plus we didn't know, he didn't know he was allergic to bees. We were in Sheep Meadow playing frisbee. He ran into a bush with some bees. He only got a couple of stings, but before someone could get to a phone and call 911 he was dead."

"Oh Derek." Meredith moves to his side of the table and puts both arms around him, even though there isn't much room. She holds him as close as she can.

"It made my Mom hyper-alert to any danger that she had any control over. Healthy food was one of the things she could provide, so we all got used to eating this way. I never had any reason to stop."

"I'm so sorry about your Dad."

"I know you are. I still miss him, but I'm used to it. You get used to it."

"I'm glad you take care of yourself, I don't want to get used to it."

"Speaking of taking care of yourself . . ."

"What?"

"What happened at the ferry crash scene? At the dock?"


	6. Doc and the Dock

**Doc and the Dock**

Meredith has expected this question to pop up since she told Derek they should take turns, it isn't fair for him to be answering questions all the time. She doesn't understand why Derek hasn't asked her about the dock before, he was so weird about it when it happened. But the table isn't comfortable for a long talk, so she suggests they move to the seat across from the table and turn on the heater. They have the old pillows from the bed to make it more comfortable and a old wooden crate so they can put up their feet.

Normally Derek would want to tidy the dishes and the kitchen first, but he seems very tense about the dock question so Meredith wants to get on with it.

"So what did happen at the dock?"

"It was pretty straightforward. You remember the little pink girl that was lost, I was taking her to triage? You saw her with me."

"Of course I remember her. She showed me where you'd gone."

"Really? You know, I don't even know how I got out of the water. Nobody wanted to talk about it, so I don't know what happened after I landed in the Bay."

"I'll tell you that story after you tell me your story."

"I was taking the pink girl to triage when I saw a man just at the edge of the dock, no medical people anywhere near him and he looked really bad. I think he had just pulled himself out of the water, and he had a really ugly wound on his leg, the flesh was sheered off down to the bone. I yelled as loud as I could for help, but you know what it was like, the noise and chaos, and nobody heard me."

"Coast Guard guys picked him up and he had your jacket. I saw him on his way to the ambulance."

"Yeah, he was in shock so I put my coat on him. He was unconscious or nearly unconscious, so I didn't have any trouble at first. I still had the pink girl in one hand, and my kit in the other, and I dropped the kit, but too far from the man. I was working on the bleeding, there was a bleeding artery, and I had to ask the pink girl to get things from the kit for me. I wish I'd asked her to drag the whole thing over, but what I did was ask her get stuff. She was so good, she still couldn't speak, but she brought me a clamp and bandages and I got the bleeding under control. The guy started thrashing around and yelling, of course he was in terrible pain, and I got up to get my kit so I could give him morphine. I remember begging him not to move, but he probably couldn't hear me or whatever, anyway, he was thrashing around and he kicked me really hard in the gut and knocked me off the dock into Bay. He was very close to the edge of the dock, like I said, and I had my back to the Bay so I went flying over the edge and landed in the water on my butt."

"So you got kicked into the water? It was completely an accident?"

Meredith stares at Derek, puzzled. "Did you think someone pushed me?" When Derek doesn't answer she's horrified, "Did you think I jumped?"

"There was nothing to explain why you were in the Bay. The guy you worked on was on a stretcher headed to an ambulance with your jacket when I saw him, and your kit wasn't near the edge. And the pink girl was in the crowd, not by the dock."

Meredith is still horrified. "So you thought Ijumped?"

"You were underwater in the bathtub that morning."

"You can't drown yourself in a bathtub on purpose. You'd have to be drunk or unconscious."

"It still scared me."

"I don't understand that."

"We'll go back to it later. Do you remember being in the water?"

"I think I remember it. I was disoriented at first, and sinking, but then I kind of realized I was in the Bay and kicked back to the surface and got air and tried to wave for help but nobody saw me. I came up again but not so far, I couldn't see the dock. And a third time, but barely out of the water."

"Why didn't you swim for the dock? You know how to swim, you're a good swimmer."

"I don't know, I wasn't thinking very clearly. The water was really cold and I was probably in shock.* What, did you think I didn't swim on purpose too?"

"I was afraid of that."

"Yeah, well I don't understand that. I can't believe you thought that."

"What happened next?"

"I just couldn't stay above the water. And then it gets fuzzy like a dream or delirium. I saw my mother the way she was when they brought her up from the ER with diverticulitus the first time she was admitted to Seattle Grace. Where you there? She was shrieking at everybody with the most horrible expression on her face, like a raging beast."

"Yes, I saw it."

"So I saw that, only she was shrieking at me. I couldn't understand her but she was talking to me. And I couldn't deal with her anymore and I just gave up. For a second. Then I remembered where I was, and I couldn't get back up to the surface. I tried, but I didn't have anything left, and then it just fades to black for a while and then I had a really weird dreaming sort of thing."

"Like going into the light?"

"Weirder than that. Doc was there, and Izzie's Denny and Dylan the bomb squad guy, and Liz Fallon, Ellis's scrub nurse – Liz died at the hospital when we were working on the guy with nails in his head. Bonnie, that girl from the train wreck. So, in case you haven't picked up the theme, all dead people from the hospital. And Doc."

She still can't think of Doc without crying, but Derek doesn't realize it's Doc, he thinks it's the drowning. He pulls her into his lap and holds her.

"I really miss Doc. It was so good to see him. I mean, the water was a horrible experience, but I got to play with Doc."

"You're crying about Doc, not the drowning? Seriously?"

"The drowning mostly just seems like a bad dream, I was in shock, I wasn't as frightened as you'd think because it just seems like a dream. But I still miss Doc."

"And you got to see him."

"He was so beautiful."

"I don't think I realized how much Doc meant to you."

"I was so lonely after you left, and it just dragged on and on, the loneliness, and then I got Doc and he made it a little better. And I wanted to give him to you, but Addison took him." She's sobbing now, without control, but Derek can still make out her words. "Doc, he was the only link we had left, and Addison took him and then he died. And you were so angry and mean and Doc died. He was gone. I loved him and he died amd I didn't have anybody again."

Derek holds her close and rubs her back, her face against his shoulder making his sweatshirt wet. He is slow to grasp that the near drowning was truly an accident. It's so firmly entrenched in his stubborn mind that she did it to herself and to him that he struggles, like Meredith striving to reach the surface of the Bay, to erase his fear and to understand that it was just an accident with what could have been, but were not, catastrophic consequences. Probably Meredith never realized how near death she was, and to her it seems it had mostly meant being with Doc.

While he struggles with those thoughts he slowly recognizes that what he felt while she was near death for four hours is what she felt the entire six months they were parted while he went through the motions of marriage revival with Addison. And Doc was the one balm, that he knows of anyway, to alleviate her awful loneliness. Derek had been lonely too, lonelier than he'd been in New York where he had just felt alone. In Seattle with Addison he'd ached for Meredith, but anger and frustration and other more energetic emotions crowded some of his loneliness out. Meredith had had nothing but loss and loneliness, and for a few weeks she'd had Doc.

He holds her tighter until she is quiet and calm. He's still thinking hard, trying to absorb all he just learned. Then she says "Oh, and my mother was there at the end of the weird part with the dead people. She hugged me and said something nice about me, and said to go back. And then I woke up with Cristina bossing me around."

He's absentminded, absorbed in his own thoughts, so she has to prod him, "Derek, you're supposed to tell the rest."

"Did the dead people talk to you?"

"You know, I think they did, but I really only cared about Doc, and you know how it is with dreams, you don't remember them if you don't tell somebody right away. I was going to tell Cristina but it hurt too much to talk, so all I remember is what I had in mind to tell Cristina. I think Denny said something that I meant to tell Izzie, but I decided that was a bad idea, and now I forget what it was."

He doesn't want to think of the rest, but he also doesn't want to to talk about it another time, so he explains seeing her jacket on the wounded man, seeing the pink girl alone, asking her where Meredith was, and ultimately diving into the Bay to find her. He doesn't go into the details of reviving her, but she understands that if it took four hours it was a major ordeal for everyone. Derek says bleakly, "They wouldn't let me stay with you while they worked on you. They didn't think you would survive. I thought I would lose you."

His head rests against hers. He can't tell her about sitting in the corridor freezing in his wet scrubs, Mark keeping vigil with him, being told to change and get warm, and ultimately about her mother. He doesn't know what she knows about her mother's death, but maybe seeing her mother in the weird dream with the dead people and Doc is all she wants or needs to know, for now anyway.

"But why did you think I'd jump in the Bay or not swim if I could swim?"

"I don't know any more. It wasn't working between us. I was afraid I'd lose you, but I was making things worse. There was the bathtub."

"The bathtub wasn't a big deal, you know. I just wanted to disappear for a few minutes after having my whole life on display for a year at Seattle Grace, and my mother's grand appearance the day before. I just wanted to disappear for a few minutes. Even though no one was watching me anyway."

"I was watching you."

"You were watching me."

"I'm not disappointed in you."

"In the morning the last thing she remembered was the big fight we had before I left for Europe. She remembered that she had said some terrible things, those were her words: 'terrible things.' In the hospital she said she wanted to know about my life so I told her I was happy, I told her about you. I thought that would make her feel better about the terrible things she said. Only what she wanted to hear was what surgical specialty I'd chosen and she went right back to the terrible things."

"You know, she also tried to find happiness."

"Presumably."

"And she couldn't find a way to be happy."

"Yeah."

"And she was clearly very competitive."

"Clearly. Very."

"I don't think she had a healthy ego. Usually the people who storm around saying terrible things about the people around them do that so they can feel better about themselves. They try to make the people around them seem inferior to convince themselves that they are superior."

"Yeah?"

"So when your mother said she was disappointed in you that could very well mean that she felt that you had done better at something she wanted to do but couldn't. She couldn't feel superior until she made you feel inferior."

"How come you're a psychiatrist all of a sudden?"

"It's the only psychiatry I know. My sister Kathleen is a psychiatrist. We had a really difficult cousin who behaved like that and drove us all crazy. When Kathleen learned about this personality disorder she explained it to us."

"It's a personality disorder?"

"Yeah."

"What's it called?"

"I don't remember, but I could probably find it in the DSM if you're interested."

"Yeah, OK. If I find out what was wrong with my mother maybe I won't have to go to a shrink to find out what's wrong with me."

"Nothing much seems wrong with you these days."

"Thanks, Dr. Shepard."

"My pleasure, Dr. Grey." He pauses and says thoughtfully, "You know, we could get a dog. I have more free time than you, so the dog would have more company. Izzie's home most evenings. Your new schedule gives you more time at home too. And I can afford a dog walker, so the dog would get enough exercise."

Meredith starts to cry again. "I can't get a dog until I don't cry when I think of Doc. The new dog can't be a Doc replacement, it's not fair to the dog if I'm wishing it was Doc. So I would like to get a dog, but not till I'm over Doc."

"Can I help you get over Doc?"

"Talk about him sometimes. Put up with the crying. Are there any pictures of him?"

"I have a couple from when I took pictures of the trailer."

"Can I have one? And why would you take pictures of the trailer?"

"Of course you can have one. I took pictures when I was thinking of writing a letter to my Mom, with pictures of the land. I never actually wrote it though."

'You know, I wish you would write a letter to your mom, and send a picture of me, since Nancy told everyone I was your slutty intern."

"Nancy's judgemental, but she didn't have all the information. Now that she knows what I know, her judgements may be more reasonable. Also, she gave me the distinct impression that she's slept with Mark too, so you can call her my slutty sister, if you want to."

"Um . . . ew. What if you called your mom? Or you could send her a postcard and tell her to call you and to keep asking questions."

"Do you want my Mom to adopt you, since you are now officially motherless and an orphan?"

"Technically I still have a father."

"Technically, you only have to lose one parent to qualify as an orphan."

"I'm still sorry about your dad."

"Well, like I said, you get used to it. It will be that way with Doc, one day you'll be used to missing him and it won't hurt like it does now. You'll be able to remember him in a happy way. I remember good things about my Dad."

"Did he teach you to fish? It's a special kind of fishing, what you do, isn't it? Like you have to learn how?"

"My dad didn't fish, a patient's doctor taught me. I went to Montana for a consult on a guy with a tumor on the optic nerve, like Richard's, but it was blinding him. The patient was so happy to see again that he persauded his doctor to teach me to fish. Every time I went out West for a consult, I stopped in Montana or they met me in Wyoming or North Dakota and we fished."

"The perks of being the nation's best brain surgeon."

"I'm not the best. There's five or six surgeons in the US who can do things I don't know how to do, and more in Europe. But we all owe each other consults. I'll make progress."

"So there's a club?"

"Anyone's welcome to join."

"You should invite your fishing buddies out here."

"That's a good idea. Fishing with Burke and George and the rest of them was a disaster. But what we should do now is go to bed, because I have to be at the hospital by 8 am."

She won't be at the hospital till 6 pm, so he'll be able to check the residents' schedule without her noticing, then get her birthday party plans underway. It's not meant to be a surprise party, but he'd rather she didn't know about it ahead of time. He falls asleep thinking he could frame a picture of Doc for another present, and she falls asleep thinking about the day she and Izzie got Doc, how much they laughed that night, and what a happy dog Doc was.

*_AN: Meredith's accident at the ferry crash scene cannot, by any stretch of the imagination, be considered a suicide. She was in shock._

_Shock is a sudden and devasting loss of blood pressure; it deprives all major organs – brain, heart, muscles, lungs - of blood. A victim of shock may be unable to think, breathe, or swim. Shock is such basic a medical condition that 9-year old kids learn First Aid for it in swim class. Though shock can kill there are steps even a kid can take to control it in a water accident. Shock can certainly be caused by a surprise kick into cold water on a cold day. Life guards rehearse exactly what happened to Meredith (except the kick) so they are prepared for the sensation of cold water in cold weather._

_By the time Meredith surfaced the first time she would have been disoriented, weak, faint and unable to think clearly. I was in shock once, and remember basically nothing until I found myself in the ER with the saline drip and the blankets. Seriously, the ferry incident does not make Meredith suicidal. Neither does the bathtub incident._

_You cannot drown yourself in the bathtub while wide awake and alert. Adults who drown in the bathtub are typically impaired by alcohol, drugs or seizure disorders. In order to drown you need to breathe water into your lungs, and the human body will not do it voluntarily._

_Here are factual sources (this editor won't accept html so I replaced . with._

_ wiki/Shock_(medical)_

_ /health/first-aid-shock/FA00056_


	7. Happy Birthday

**Happy Birthday**

Meredith's alarm goes off earlier than she usually sets it. She discovers why when she finds a little pile of presents in the middle of her bed. She can smell the lavender pillow before she opens it. There's a squishy log-shaped one that turns out to be a Dartmouth t-shirt wrapped around another Dartmouth t-shirt wrapped around a Harvard t-shirt wrapped around a silk satin slip, to wear in bed when she can expect whatever she has on to be taken off before she'll need her t-shirt. There's a little picture of Doc in a little frame and a bigger picture of Doc with the lake in the background in a bigger frame.

She hurries to get to the hospital early so she can find Derek and thank him. She doesn't tell people her birth date, so she's surprised he knows. She's less averse to her birthday than to public holidays like Christmas and New Year's because she can celebrate it or not depending on her mood, but she never advertises the date.

She checks the board; Derek is not in surgery. She peaks into the cafeteria, wanders through the surgical floors and finally checks his office. He is hardly ever in his office, but this morning he is alone on the grotty little couch, probably on purpose. She closes the door and plops herself down, more on top of than next to him.

"Dr. Grey."

"Dr. Shepard."

Derek had told Meredith about his suggestion that Dr. Burke and Dr. Shepard use first names rather than full titles, that Burke had refused even though he called Dr. Montgomery-Shepard "Addie" because, as Burke explained, "I like her." Burke called Derek by his first name only once, after they finished their surgeries on day of the bomb. Meredith likes to use the "Dr. Shepard"/"Dr. Grey" routine at odd moments, like when they've just finished very noisy sex. Now Derek does it too.

"How did you know?"

"I'm a department head, I have access to privileged information."

"Thank you very much." She flashes him the Harvard t-shirt she'll wear under her scrubs that day.

"Happy Birthday."

"I have go round now." But first she tilts his head a bit so she can kiss him properly from the twisted angle she's sitting in. "See you later?"

"See you later."

It's still early so the locker room is empty, but Cristina enters while Meredith is stashing her stuff in her locker, and asks, "What you are doing here so early? You don't steal charts."

"I had to see Derek."

"What's wrong now?"

"Nothing. Nothing's wrong."

"What did he do."

"He set my alarm early and left a pile of presents on my bed."

"Because . . . ?"

"It's my birthday."

"You have a birthday, and you celebrate it?"

"Well, he celebrated it. I never told him when it was, is, whatever. I don't always celebrate it, but I do if I'm in a good mood on it."

"What's your mood today?"

"Good."

"Then Happy Birthday. I'll take you to Joe's after work for a drink. McDreamy probably has some McBirthday . . . _WHAT_ are you _WEAR_ing?"

"It's a t-shirt."

"It's a _HARVARD_ t-shirt."

Meredith looks down at it, and agrees, it is a Harvard t-shirt.

"OK, enough with the coy. Why are _YOU_ wearing a Harvard t-shirt?"

"That's where I got my MD."

Cristina is stunned, speechless.

Meredith is a little defensive, "I didn't graduate first in my class."

"What rank?"

Meredith is still defensive. "Fourteenth. Look don't create some algorithm to figure out if 14th at Harvard is better or worse than 1st at Stanford. You can be competitive about everything else, but not that. We didn't even know each other then. And don't tell anybody."

"You're wearing the shirt!"

Meredith pulls down her scrub top and asks if Cristina can tell from what she's wearing where she went to med school.

"Why is it secret?"

"It's not secret. I just don't talk about it because my mother needed me in Boston and I don't know whether she had anything to do with me getting in."

"Well, she may have helped you in, but she couldn't get you out at that rank." Cristina thinks a bit than sticks out her hand. "Congratulations." They shake hands and Meredith says "Thanks."

Cristina reminds her, "Joe's after work."

The other residents are starting to come in, and Meredith and Cristina are ready so they go over to the nurse's station, where Cristina starts looking through the charts. While she's hunting, Cristina asks, "What's your first rotation?"

"Pediatrics. What's yours?"

"Endocrinology."

"That should be fun."

"Oh, it's all fun."

The other residents and interns are milling around forming groups, and the groups are setting off on rounds. Cristina gets a surgery and Meredith gets a post-op patient with complications from surgery. They settle into work and forget about birthdays and med school rankings.

George is in the cafeteria when Meredith has a break so she sits with him. After introductions the intern sitting with George gets a page and leaves. George has something he wants to discuss with Meredith and this gives him the opportunity to say, "You know, Lexie's having a hard time with Thatcher and I understand you don't want to get involved, but you had these experiences with your mother so maybe you could give her some advice?"

Meredith thinks it over for a few minutes and says, "OK, if she wants to ask me questions, I'll try to answer. Alzheimer's and alcoholism are really different, but I could try. But if her question is 'why won't you help me' I don't want anything to do with it."

"I understand. You took care of your mother by yourself for, like, seven years. And she was no picnic. Thatcher has Molly and Lexie. He didn't try to be your father. You don't have to be his daughter."

"Lexie has to understand that too."

"But you'll talk to her."

"If she comes to me, I'll try to answer questions, give advice."

Then Meredith gets a page and George is going back to work too, so they leave together and part at the hub of the hospital, the nurses station.

Meredith runs into Cristina at x-ray. Cristina says "I dare you to wear that t-shirt to Joe's."

Meredith wants to know what the consequences are if she doesn't, and Cristina answers, "I'll tell _everyone_ your _rank_."

When Meredith meets Cristina at Joe's she's wearing the shirt. They occupy their usual places and Joe asks what they'll have. Cristina jumps in before Meredith can ask for tequila, "Joe, what do people drink on their birthdays?" Joe say he has just the thing and disappears into the back. He returns with two flute glasses of sparkling wine and says "This is what people drink on their birthdays. Happy Birthday, ladies" and ambles away.

Meredith says "I don't think I've ever had Champagne."

"You would have, if I'd actually gotten married."

"Did you send it all back?"

"Mama took care of all that."

"Well, it's really good, so thanks for it. I think it's better than tequila."

"Meredith, most drinks are better than tequila. You should get out more."

They're approaching the bottom of their glasses when Joe appears with a slip of paper for Cristina and a bottle for Meredith. "Happy Birthday, Meredith, and congratulations on that t-shirt."

Meredith is wowed by the gold-necked bottle and wonders for the zillionth time how Joe knows everything, while she thanks him profusely. Cristina drags her out while she's still thanking Joe, and they walk to Meredith's car together. Cristina gets in without invitation and studies Meredith's bottle. She puts it down with the laconic comment "That's a good Champagne, and what's more, it's actually Champagne."

Meredith doesn't understand how Champagne could be anything but Champagne and Cristina starts to explain the arcane French laws of appellation, but soon stops herself and barks, "Just drive."

"Do you know good Champagne from Mama or Saul Rubenstein?"

"Saul Rubenstein drinks nothing but the best."

They reach Meredith's house quickly; it's only a fifteen minute drive from the hospital. There are a few extra cars parked at the curb and the porch light is on, so Meredith knows something is up. She suddenly realizes Cristina came home with her, and starts laughing. She accuses Cristina: "Something is going on and you know what it is."

"You can handle it. Get in the house."

The rooms seems crowded at first until the people turn out to be Derek, Dr. Bailey, baby Tuck, Izzie and George. At one end of the table there's a big vase of flowers, a cake, and a little stuffed animal. After the general "Happy Birthdays" and "Thanks!" Meredith puts her bottle with the flowers, cake and animal.

The flowers are gorgeous, stock and snapdragons and freesia and stalks of lavender. They're from George and Alex, so she hugs George and kisses him on both cheeks and he blushes. The cake is beautifully decorated with marzipan and raspberries. Meredith hugs Izzie and predicts more hugging when they eat it. Dr. Bailey says the little dog is from Tuck but not to let him have it because he'll chew on it. The little dog has enormous feet, floppy limbs and a goofy expression. George was playing with it while they waited for Meredith and he demonstrates it's expressiveness. Baby Tuck has one too, and is chewing on it. Meredith knows Dr. Bailey would rather Meredith show Tuck attention then be thanked herself, so Meredith picks Tuck up and wiggles him above her head. Tuck laughs and drops his slobbery dog on Meredith's head and laughs at that too. Cristina grabs something out of her back pocket, a white scrub cab decorated with hearts. Meredith knows better than to hug Cristina, so she puts it on. She finally gets to make eye contact with her boyfriend and he's thanked by her cheery face. He had worried she'd be overwhelmed by the attention, but she's fine.

Derek invites everybody to come and eat. There's a selection of food, beer and more sparkling wine. They all fill plates and glasses and sit at the table in no particular order, although the others leave two places together for Meredith and Derek. Baby Tuck is on the floor with a plate of bite-sized odds and ends. They take turns sitting and playing with him; Tuck is the life of the party. Whenever the motley crew of an intern, two junior residents, a fellow and an attending run out of conversation, Tuck does something silly and starts them talking again.

When Meredith is seated by Derek she thanks him properly with an one-armed hug and smoochy kiss on his cheek. They lean against each other and hold hands and make other contact under the table.

The food is good, the wine is good, the beer is good. Derek had thought he ordered more then plenty, but it looks like the only leftovers will be a substantial plate for Alex. Izzie cuts the cake, Meredith's favorite, chocolate with chocolate frosting and conversation stops with general agreement that the cake is seriously outstanding. Then George notices Meredith's t-shirt.

"Meredith, why are you wearing a Harvard t-shirt? Didn't you go to Dartmouth?

Dr. Bailey cuts in "She got her MD at Harvard."

Meredith says "Derek gave it to me for my birthday."

Izzie and George usually require a detailed discussion of any surprise, but they glance at each other and drop the topic. Meredith hugs Izzie again for the cake and asks Dr. Bailey if Tuck can have a little bit of it. Tuck is allowed a small portion, which ends up on, rather then in, him but Dr. Bailey takes the mess in stride. Even Bailey can't organize a baby.

Everybody has to work the next day, so the party winds down at around 10 o'clock. Tuck is sleeping on George's shoulder, transferring some of the frosting from Tuck to George. Dr. Bailey thanks George for helping her clean Tuck as she installs him in his car seat, and George admires the mess on his shirt. Derek says, "Miranda, thanks for coming and bringing Tuck," and she flashes a huge grin and says, "Derek, thanks for inviting me." She hugs Meredith on the way out, and George helps her carry Tuck's baby gear on his way out. Cristina gets a ride back to the hospital with George.

Izzie volunteers to help Derek clean up and Derek sends Meredith upstairs to have a bath or otherwise relax. There's another bunch of presents on her bed. One is an iPod and the others are the speakers she suggested for the trailer. The iPod contains a few albums by some of the musicians she mentioned when they talked about music at his trailer. There's also a card with her username and password for her membership at iTunes.

Meredith is lying on the bed listening to the iPod when Derek comes in. She pauses it and tells Derek "That's the nicest birthday I ever had. You gave me the nicest birthday ever." He lies down beside her and their various limbs intertwine, and their heads come together on one pillow.

"I'm glad you had a nice birthday. I hope you have more good birthdays. I hope I can be in charge of them."

"They were exactly the people I would want to spend my best birthday ever with."

"I didn't tell Alex in time for him to rearrange his schedule, or he'd have been here too."

"It would have been interesting to see Alex maintain a happy face for 90 minutes."

"Show him the little dog, see if that doesn't wring a smile out of him."

"I bet Alex is immune to floppy toys, but I'll try. Thank you for all the presents. They're all perfect, and there are so many of them!"

"The key to getting good presents is to not have a lot of stuff already."

"I'm amazed you remembered some of the singers and the bands I mentioned."

"See? I actually listen when you talk."

"Such a good boyfriend!"

"How old are you anyway? I forgot to look at the year."

"27"

"I'm going to be 40 soon."

"Well, you know Indiana Jones's take on that."

"No, I don't."

"It's not the years, honey, it's the mileage."


	8. The Age Difference

**The Age Difference**

Meredith and Derek have crossed a few items off the list. They've settled the question, for now, of whether they are together and mean to stay together. They are finally doing something they didn't do at the start: they are getting to know each other. They are in love, they have good reasons be together, but they haven't yet had the chance to really know each other. Love can be like that, like landing in a new city, feeling comfortable and at home from the first, even though you can't get from point A to point B without a map, and you can't ask directions because you don't know the language yet. But it feels like home.

Meredith knows Dr. Shepard and Dr. McDreamy, but Derek wasn't ready to reveal his whole self to her until the night Addison arrived. When Derek and Addison resumed their interrupted marriage, Meredith continued to work with Dr. Shepard and had occasional McDreamy moments, but she considered Derek forbidden ground while he was married. Now she's free of these constraints but she finds that he is not easy to know. He's proud, reserved, and complicated, plus he's twelve years older than she.

Being older and generally more sophisticated, Derek always presumed he knew Meredith better than she knew herself, but she punctured that illusion the night she paged him to the cafeteria to talk. He knows now he underestimated her strength, her blinding intelligence, and her unexpected generosity. She probably doesn't understand herself very well, but he may have as much to learn about her as she does about herself, and maybe more of a need.

Living together in Meredith's house with Izzie and Alex is becoming a problem. Derek needs privacy and he can't get any. One night when Izzie is particularly ubiquitous, Alex spectacularly grouchy, and Meredith on the night shift he decides he must start talking to her about it. He calls her cell phone, which she doesn't answer if she's busy. Evidently she's not busy tonight, she picks up on the first ring. He uses his own cell, so she knows it's him.

"Busy night?"

"No, no one coming out of surgery, no emergencies, I don't even have any whiners to hold hands with tonight."

"What are the odds that if I come over to see you, you'll still be free?"

"Why, is something wrong?"

"Not wrong, but I have a problem I have to talk to you about."

"How close should my finger be to the panic button?"

"Put your hands in your pockets and move away from the panic button. Should I come over?"

"Sure. Page me when you get here. Do you want to meet in the cafeteria?"

"OK. See you then."

"Bye."

During the drive to the hospital he tries to find some sentence to open the topic that won't give any of the wrong impressions. He's still looking for the right formulation when she sits down.

She tries to ease him into it. "I left the panic button upstairs."

"The problem is only that I don't think I can manage being roommates with Alex and Izzie much longer."

"Alex was in a terrible mood tonight."

"It deteriorated on his way home. Izzie seemed to be everywhere tonight. She may have cloned herself. I don't like knowing what they look like in underwear."

She can't help laughing. "Have you seen Izzie's Hello Kitty underwear?"

"Please don't remind me of underwear that I've erased from memory. I'm afraid the two options I can think of will upset you, but I don't want to upset you."

"What are the options?"

"I can get a place near your house, where we can be together as much as you want."

"Or?"

"We could live at your house but alone."

"How much longer do you think you can hold out without killing them?"

"Depends on what's bothering Alex, and how many clones Izzie has."

"It's always in the back of my mind, selling the house, I'm not attached to it in any familial sense, but it's so convenient to the hospital, it would be hard to find a better location. I'm not taking very good care of it, and I don't know anything about real estate, but the realtor who was going to sell it last year said it was worth what seems an obscene amount of money, even if she was exaggerating. Only a place to live seems more valuable right now than money. So you see, I just go back and forth like that, and never make a decision."

"How bad would it be to stop renting?"

"Do you mean money, or personally?"

"Personally. If we live together we'll split expenses. I should be contributing towards expenses now."

"You buy the food. And cook it. There wouldn't be any food if it weren't for you."

"I'd do that anyway. You're even more beautiful when you eat. How bad would not renting be personally?"

"I don't know. I don't know what Izzie would do. We're not a "family" anymore, with Izzie in the clinic office and George an intern. We really were a little family, a weird bunch, but we really helped each other and my house was our place, besides the hospital and Joe's. But starting rotations in a few weeks, all our habits will change, and we don't need each other like we used to. Alex is tough, moving out would just inconvenience him, but I don't know how I'd tell Izzie."

"In her Hello Kitty underpants."

"You do know them!"

"I wish I could forget."

"I wish I had a room over a garage kind of thing for Izzie."

"So it's not freaking you out, you don't feel like hitting the panic button, talking about this?"

"No, I was ready for the interns-club-frathouse thing to be over, but I was hoping it would fade through attrition. I was just avoiding the problem. When you and I got back together I knew it would come up eventually."

"What if I made an anonymous contribution to the clinic with the stipulation that it was to cover the living expenses of the administrator/fundraiser?"

"You think Izzie wouldn't see through that?"

"I don't think she needs the kid glove treatment she's getting from you guys. If she got from a trailer park through medical school on her own, she can take care of herself. I don't think she deserves it either, She's lucky Denny Duquette's parents didn't charge her with manslaughter, and she's lucky the hospital lets her remain affiliated with Seattle Grace at all."

"Do the other attendings feel that way?"

"Not that I know of, I probably know more of what happened than the other attendings because I live with her. But I remember the first Dead Baby Bike Race, explaining what 'first, do no harm' means to Izzie."

"Can you take it for another month? I could give them a month's notice, that would be fair."

"I can take it for another month, I can always go out to the trailer if they get on my nerves. But what about you? Am I pushing you into this? Are you doing what I want because I want you to?"

"I don't know. It normally takes me a while to figure out why I do what I do. If you wait for me to know why, we could be adding another month to the month's notice. But I'm probably doing it because I want to be alone with you."

"OK. Don't make any sudden moves. We can talk about it again tomorrow. What's your schedule tomorrow?"

"I get off at 8. I'm doing a double shift."

"I thought that wasn't allowed anymore."

"It isn't, but nobody noticed. I'm doing a favor for Cristina."

"I'm on tomorrow too, maybe we can go out after. But if you've been working 26 hours I guess you'd rather sleep."

"No, I'll be pretty wired. Going out would be relaxing, let's do that."

Her shift that night is so quiet that she gets three hours of sleep, and the next day is undemanding too. Sometimes the people of Seattle aren't injured or ill, and don't need surgery. It's rare, but it happens.

Meredith asked Derek to bring her something to wear that would be suitable for wherever they are going. She's surprised when she goes to his office to fetch what he brought; she'll be wearing the black dress she wore the night they met, when she abandoned the interns' mixer in favor of Joe's bar across the street. He'll be wearing the red silk shirt he wore the same night.

She'd rather not take the dress back to the locker room, so she leaves him voicemail saying she'll be back for it later, and how much time will she have to dress? She'll be off at 8, maybe a little earlier since there are so few patients, but to wear that dress she'll need a shower, time for her hair to dry and some make-up.

She picks up the phone when he calls, saying "Hot date?"

There's a long silence. She laughs, she knows it's him, she knows he's trying to trick her into wondering if it's a wrong number or worse, someone else, but when she laughs, he can't help laughing and he says they should leave around 8:45, he'll pick her up at the entrance.

The day shift staff are generally able to leave before 8, so she has the locker room to herself as she gets ready. He asks when she slides into her seat if she's from "Hot Dates" and she says "Not from. Going on. Where are we going anyway?"

"It has a French name."

"That's helpful."

"Do you know any restaurants in Seattle with French names?"

"Mais bien sûr pas. Will the waiter understand us?"

"If he doesn't we'll pretend he's deaf. Do you know French?"

"Just a few phrases. What's the occasion anyway?"

"No occasion. I just wanted to wear this shirt."

"Do you get lucky every time you wear it?"

"Doesn't Hot Dates offer a guarantee?"

They arrive and she's saved from answering when the valet parking guy (dressed in a tux) opens her door. She's glad she wasn't in the middle of a smutty reply. When Derek offers her his arm she whispers, "I don't know how to behave in a place like this!"

"It's French, so you use the fork in your left hand and the knife in your right."

They enter the restaurant on her cascading laugh, which turns eyes, and eyes turned toward Derek tend to stay on him, but they're both used to it. When they're seated and looking at the menus, she looks up and says "I still think there must be an occasion."

"We never got to date. I thought we should."

"This is very luxurious."

"A little luxury isn't bad. It's bad when it takes over your life."

After the sommelier and the waiter leave them, Derek announces that he finally called his mother, and they had a long talk.

"Was she happy?"

"I've avoided her for a long time so I wouldn't have to tell her what was going on, that hurt her. I had a lot to apologize for. I'm getting used to that. She wants to come out and see us."

"Hmm. What would that be like?"

"She's a great person, you'll like her. She'll like you. She's interesting to talk with, a good listener, perceptive. She wouldn't be coming out to judge you, she'd be coming to see me and us and you, getting to know you."

"I feel a little neurotic at the prospect."

"That's OK. Just tell her you feel a little neurotic and she'll understand. Then you'll relax and she'll notice and be pleased."

The waiter brings the wine, and pours it and leaves to fetch their starters.

"I think I really do want to evict the renters."

"I think I'd rather live in your house with you than have you be a guest, however frequent, in what would be my place."

"Do you especially like my house or is there some deep psychology behind it?"

"It's not that deep."

Another brief interruption from the waiter, this time with food.

"What is the not-so-deep psychology?"

"I never thought about the difference in our ages until your birthday. I don't care about it. There are things we can do to make sure it doesn't affect us. If you're a guest at my house, maybe you would feel it. If we live in your house, nothing changes."

"You never thought about the age difference?"

"I managed to ignore the fact that I was an attending and you were an intern when we met. My mother was horrified."

"What did she say?"

"Things like 'What were you thinking' and "What about her, the intern?' and 'But why?' I didn't have any other answer besides I wasn't thinking and I wanted to be with you."

"Why did you want to be with me so much?"

"I'd lost my real personality for five years, and I found it when I was with you. You hit the reset button. How bad was it, me chasing you when you were an intern?"

"I thought it was worth the hassle I got from Dr. Bailey and my roommates and other interns. I've been wondering, though, about ethics and whether I should transfer to another hospital in Seattle."

"So I was wrong to do it, but it didn't hurt you too much?"

"No, it did hurt, badly and when you went back to Addison, horribly badly, but, you know, here we are together. If I had to go through all that hurt to be here together, that's what I would choose to do. As long as I knew that we would end up together."

His dazzling smile lights his face as he says "Thank you, Dr. Grey."

"My pleasure, Dr. Shepard."

They pause to finish their starters and drink wine. The restaurant is wonderful and Meredith enjoys the luxury. She's never been in a place like this before, and looks around with interest at the other diners.

She asks "When is your mother thinking of coming?"

"Soon, whenever it's convenient for us. If you're really evicting the renters, would you be comfortable if she stayed with us?"

"I'd be neurotic at first, but if you're right, the neurotic would wear off. Is the house up to her standards? Is it even clean? "

"It's a little dusty, but we could get a cleaning service. Izzie keeps it clean. Did you know she cleans your bathroom? It's a little bit shabby and cluttered, but that won't bother my Mom."

"Izzie cleans my bathroom?"

"She does."

"Now I'm really going to feel bad asking her to leave."

"I think she'll be understanding if you tell her why."

Their main courses arrive, and stop conversation for awhile.

Then they discuss his talk with his mother, Meredith asks more about his sisters and father, about his family growing up. It pains him that he can't ask her about her family, and he says so. Her answer surprises him.

"You know, I don't feel like Ellis Grey was my mother. I feel like she was a great surgeon, a pioneer among surgeons, and I have her name. People associate her with me. But the relationship wasn't real. We weren't like a mother and a daughter. The Meredith she was angry with wasn't me, it was somebody she invented. The Meredith she talked to about being a force of nature and being extraordinary or ordinary, that was just her idea of what Ellis Grey should say to Ellis Grey's daughter, and it didn't have anything to do with who I really was. I kind of feel like I hatched just before Harvard, hatched with some background knowledge, an Alzheimer's patient, and a curriculum to get through. And the work I did at Harvard, it was the first time I really took an interest, school was always too easy for me, I didn't have to work hard to do well, so I didn't. But at Harvard I had to work, and I liked it, the work. So if you ask me things about when I was a kid it may sound pitiful, but you know, here I am, doing work that I love, and living, though some of the last year was really really rough. Things you did made it rough. Things I did made it rough. Things that just happened made it rough. But a lot of the dark and twisty started to clear up when Ellis Grey died, and more when Thatcher hit me. That was horrible, obviously, but I felt some obligation to him before that. And now I don't. I like the life that I have. I think I can live it well. Whether Ellis Grey would be pleased or not, I'm free of that, because she was never interested in me. Life started to be worth the effort at Harvard, and now it's definitely worth the effort. I did some stupid things during the rough patches, but fewer stupid things than I used to do and you know . . .you should stop me, if you don't stop me talking I might never stop . . please stop me."

Derek is transfixed. "I don't want you to stop. I've wanted you to tell me things like this for months."

"I haven't known these things for months. It accumulates somewhere in my brain and eventually spills out. You just have to wait for it. And you have to ask questions more specific than 'Are you alright?' and 'What's wrong?' The questions have to focus."

"Why did I often feel like you were putting your friends before me?"

"You mean like when Cristina burst in to talk about bank robberies?"

"Not that particular incident, but in general, their needs always came first with you. I think I know the answer, but I want to hear it anyway."

"Because we depended on each other. Like when Alex had to retake one of the boards, clinical exams and you know what his bedside manner is, if we hadn't been test cases for him for a couple of days he wouldn't have passed. Izzie was furious with him, don't ask, and she was angry with us when she discovered we were doing that, but eventually we convinced her that we were helping her with something too, she should be helping him. So she did. Cristina hated him, but she taught him to do a breast exam, you know, on her. But he's a good doctor, Alex. He was the one person that said something kind to me on that awful awful day my mother showed up, Cristina crashed, and Addison wouldn't leave. Cristina knew about you and me from the beginning; I could talk to her from the beginning. They all of them, the night of the train wreck, they waited at Joe's with me, in case you didn't come, they were ready to pick up the pieces. Now I'm starting to cry, you shouldn't be making me cry in a place like this. . . "

"No, I shouldn't. I'm sorry. Here, drink wine. I understand now. I didn't realize how much you five did for each other. The group I did my internship with was nothing like that. But the bank robberies, did you have any idea what she was talking about?"

"Not a clue. I put it together with the fact that George asked for Dr. Hahn for his father, in the middle of that surgery when I was supposed to be working with you but I kept looking at Burke's hands."

"I thought she had told you."

"I think she was working up toward telling someone."

They'd finished eating a while ago, but the waiter knows an intense conversation when he sees one, and has the tact to wait until he gets a signal or they look more relaxed. When Derek looks up for him, he's ready to clear their plates and offer dessert, coffee, cognac. They settle on cappuccinos and cognacs and as the waiter slips away Meredith asks "You didn't think of the age difference?"

"You were firmly fixed in my mind as the girl I met at the bar, and I didn't think about your age or mine the night we met. So I never thought about it at all. I'm afraid the fact that we worked in the same place meant nothing more than that I got to see more of you. I admit it was delusional."

"Why would you be delusional?"

"That's what my mother wanted to know."

"What did you tell her?"

"She told me."

"What did she tell you?"

"She said I didn't know how to deal with failure. So I didn't deal with it. I was too proud to talk to anybody about it – these are her words – until Addie gave me a reason to leave the scene, go somewhere I could leave it all behind."

"But that doesn't explain why you didn't recognize the whole intern/attending thing."

"Leaving it all behind wasn't enough, until I met you I wasn't going anywhere. Somehow seeing you in that dress, drinking tequila, repressing whatever you were feeling too much of, you jolted me out of my minimally conscious state. After that I really didn't feel alive unless I was with you, or in the same place as you, and I didn't only feel alive, I felt like the person I was before I started turning into a jerk because I was unhappy."

"Did your mother know that too?"

"No, but she did tell me I'd been turning into a jerk."

"Does she like you better now?"

"I think so."

"Well, I'll talk to Izzie and Alex tomorrow, and she can make her plans. Wherever she's sleeping, I think that bed will need a mattress upgrade too."

"I can take care of that."

"It's very convenient for me that you have so much money!"

"The age difference does have advantages."

They finish their coffees and cognacs, Derek pays the bill, and Meredith flashes the waiter her sweet smile as they leave. She watches the pocket Derek stuffs the bill into and tries to slip her hand in to pickpocket the bill while they wait for the car. Derek catches on before Meredith gets the bill, and he transfers it from pocket to pocket while she tries to keep up.

It's difficult to detect the age difference.

_AN: People have commented that Meredith is supposed to be 33, but I calculated her age based on the information they gave us in the show: her father left when she was 5 and she hadn't seen him for 20 years in the second season._


	9. Get On With It

**Get On With It**

Alex is already looking for a place, he figured that Meredith and Shepard would want to be alone. He found an apartment, if he passes the landlord's credit check he'll move in a week or less. Meredith writes him a check for his deposit money and thanks him for being so considerate.

"Me, you're calling me considerate?"

"Yeah, I am."

Alex shrugs and takes the check and that's that.

Meredith expects talking to Izzie to be difficult, but she explains she's only asking Izzie to move so she and Derek can be alone, and of course Izzie understands. Meredith promises Izzie her deposit money as soon as Izzie needs it, a cashier's check or a bank wire so there won't be a clearance delay, and hopes that's that.

Alex leaves that week. Izzie gets lots of phone calls from landlords and potential roommates and spends less time at the house. Meredith is embarrassed that she thought Izzie would cling. Derek was right that she worried about Izzie more than necessary.

Once the roommates are settled, Meredith takes stock of the house. When Ellis's estate was transferred to Meredith, she still thought of the house as belonging to Ellis. Now that it indisputably belongs to Meredith, she has to decide whether she wants to own a house, and whether she wants to own this particular house. She knows nothing about furnaces, fuseboxes, water heaters. (George or Alex always knew what to do.) She wonders if the house will cloud her life with bad memories.

Meredith studies the clutter. What is it? How did all get here? Her own room is incredibly cluttered. She'd just plopped herself into it when she moved from Boston 18 months ago, and hadn't even looked at all the stuff lying around. While she was planning to sell the house Meredith had slept in Ellis's room because of the bathroom and the bigger bed. The night Meredith met Derek she hadn't taken him to that bed because she still thought of it as her mother's bed. That, and it had been impossible to slow him down once they were inside the house.

Whenever she has a free hour she wanders around with big thick rubbish bags, picking out stuff to discard and stuff to give away. She asks the Chief if Ellis's surgical tapes would be any use to the hospital. The Chief is glad to have them, some of the work Ellis Grey did is still cutting edge and will be valuable to libraries and med schools. He offers to pay for them or set up a royalty arrangement, but Meredith says her mother would want her work to be free. They should be a gift from Ellis Grey, not Meredith Grey. So that's that.

Her recycling bins start to overflow with out-dated medical journals. She drops off bags of clothes and other odds and ends about once a week at the Salvation Army store or the St. Vincent de Paul bin. As she wanders around the house she realizes the mostly bad memories of her earlier life here are replaced by the many memories - good, bad, sad, happy - of the life she shared with her friends and roommates and Doc and Derek. The house has been transformed from Ellis's house into Meredith's house. The house was her Grandmother's, then Ellis's; now the house belongs to Meredith. So that's that.

One morning she and Izzie are drinking coffee and eating cereal before work. Meredith asks Izzie if she would have time to teach her various cleaning tasks.

"So you've never run a vacuum or scrubbed a toilet?"

"No, I haven't. I'm sorry I didn't even realize you were doing the cleaning. I remember you said you were an obsessive cleaner when you wanted to move in, but I never caught you in the act or anything."

"Of course, I'll show you everything. Whenever you have a free Saturday or Sunday."

"I ought to pay you for the cleaning you did. I've been looking into cleaning services and I know what they charge. You would have made a lot of money if I'd been paying you."

"Meredith, your rent was so low that I owed you the cleaning. Before I moved in here I was in an apartment that charged three times what you asked, and wasn't as nice as your basement."

"You should let me reimburse you. You must have put in a lot of time."

"I know, but I wanted to do it. I have to bake, I have to clean. I won't take any retroactive money. But if you're looking for a cleaning service, what about hiring me? I want to hire an experienced fund-raiser for the clinic, I have a lot to learn, and that'll put a decent salary for me out of reach for a while, so I could use the income."

"It's amazing, what you've done with the clinic."

"It's better for me than practicing medicine. I always got too far into my patients lives, even before Denny. Impartiality just isn't my temperament, but at the clinic I can channel caring too much usefully. I know what Dr. Shepard thinks of me, and it hurt for a while, but I understand it now."

"I got too far into the life of the guy with nails in his head. He had a brain tumor, he and his wife had to choose between longer life with loss of personality and memory, or shorter life with personality and memory intact. They chose longer life, and I talked to his wife about living with someone who doesn't remember you. She cried and yelled at me and Derek had to apologize for me, then he yelled at me."

"I did stuff like sutures in the parking lot, and letting patients dictate whether they wanted me for a doctor."

"The guy with prostate cancer?"

"Yeah."

"I think Dr. Bailey should have given you more guidance. It can't be right to force a guy to have a doctor he's embarrassed by."

"Well, anyway, what about Izzie's Cleaning Service? I could come at 6 am when you and Dr. Shepard are on the day shift. I could come twice a week, that would take care of the whole house, and I can be flexible about the days of the week."

"I still need some cleaning skills, so I could work with you a couple of times. I can't expect Izzie's Cleaning Service to be available forever. Unless you start up a company."

"You know, that's an idea. With the professional fundraiser I could work a shorter week, at least for a while, to get a business started. I meet people at the clinic all the time who need jobs, and I still have some money from the modeling to buy equipment, insurance and so forth."

"Well, I'll be your first client. Most of the cleaning services charge 150 dollars for two people once a week. Would that be fair?" Izzie thinks it's fair, so she and Meredith shake hands on it. So that's that.

As clutter disappears, Meredith takes stock of the furniture, the floors, the walls. She's never thought about interior design, but now that the house is hers she might as well live in rooms she likes. Meredith can afford to refurbish the house if she wants to. Her mother had possessed more money than Meredith realized. Meredith had expected her school fees and Ellis' nursing home expenses to exhaust Ellis's estate, but there's a lot of money left.

One evening she and Derek are both home, and Izzie's out. Derek's making dinner and Meredith is going through the cupboards looking at bowls, crockery, pots, little appliances. She shows things to Derek and asks "Is this any good?" Most of the time he says no, so a pile of kitchen stuff to be discarded is growing on the table.

"I think I want new furniture and paint and to do something about the carpet downstairs. And to do something about the lights – it's too dim with just little lamps. Maybe nicer bedroom furniture. My mother left some money I could use on the house. Do you know anything about house do-overs?"

"Addie always hired a decorator. I know how to clean though. I heard you signing up for Izzie's Cleaning Class."

"Did you? I probably should have asked you if you minded, but I hired her to clean the house."

"No, I don't mind."

"How do you know how to clean?"

"Saturday morning from 9 to 12, the Shepard kids cleaned house."

"What kind of house can you have in New York City?"

"We had a brownstone across from Riverside Park."

"Got any pictures?"

"Back in New York. Addie and I are still arguing about the brownstone we lived in. If we ever decide what to do with it, I'll have to go back and retrieve my stuff. I didn't bring much when I drove out here."

"Why are you still arguing about it?"

"She wants me to have the house and I don't want the house. She feels guilty about living with Mark and not telling me, so she wants me to have the house. I don't see the logic."

"It's not logical logic, it's emotional logic."

"Do you understand it?"

"I don't know. Maybe. She might feel that you've forgiven her for lying if you take the house."

"And if I don't forgive her?"

"You should forgive her."

"Why should I forgive her?"

"Because you didn't tell me about Addison. It's the same thing. She wanted you back, so she withheld information. You wanted me, so you withheld information. Although you were going to tell me. But she knew that you would find out eventually. So there's not much difference."

"I haven't forgiven myself for not telling you."

"Well, I have, so you might as well get on with it.

"

"I haven't even said that I'm sorry."

"Well, get on with it."

"The day after the train wreck I tried to talk to you, just to say anything, even though there wasn't anything to say. Bailey wouldn't let me near you. She body-blocked me in the hall. She physically wouldn't let me near you."

Meredith laughs. "That sounds like her."

"Why can't I just say I'm sorry?"

"Because you're a very proud man and you don't know how to handle failure. You probably didn't get any practice when you were a kid, you were probably perfect, plus everybody liked you. And you look like that."

Derek groans, and Meredith says, "Get on with it. Get it over with."

He turns off the burner, removes the pot he was stirring, and sits by Meredith at the table. He takes her small hands in his own beautiful hands, looks deep into her soft blue eyes with his dark blue eyes, and he says "I am so sorry."

"I know you are, Derek."

"Please forgive me?"

"I do. I have."

"Then I guess I have to forgive Addie."

"Yeah, you do."

"I don't know how."

"Are you happy with the life you have now?"

"Yes."

"Would you have this life if she hadn't cheated and lied?"

"I would have had this life sooner if she hadn't lied."

"You don't know that – when we got back together it wasn't working. I needed to be free of my mother and father. You had to want me, not the dream. We needed time. And didn't it make you feel better about the divorce, knowing that she failed you more than you failed her?"

"Probably."

"There you are. That's how you forgive her. You're here and you're happy and the whole sequence of events led to this. It's not hurting you. Let it go."

He struggles with that thought for a while and then says "OK. I forgive her. I still don't see why I have to take the house."

"It's a symbol to her; if you take it your forgiveness feels concrete."

"It's just money, she can't buy my forgiveness. You persuaded me to forgive her. She should give you the house."

"She has so much money that the money aspect doesn't mean anything. And I already have a house."

"The brownstone is worth millions."

"Well, you don't have to keep the money."

"That's true."

Derek goes back to the stove and resumes his work. "Mom decorated our house and her apartment. She can help you get started with the do-over. I know a little about floors. Cut a window in the carpet and see what's underneath. There might be a couple of layers – people did strange things to floors in the 40's and 50's. Usually old houses have beautiful floors when you get to the original floorboards. You might want someone who restores antique flooring."

"It would be nice to have the floors done before your Mom comes to visit. Then she'll realize right away I'm an heiress and not a gold-brownstone-digging slutty intern."

"I wish you wouldn't worry about that."

"Visions of Burke's 'Mama' dance through my head."

"My mother was more concerned about your welfare than mine."

"We should ask her to come soon after Izzie moves out so I have less time to worry about it."

"She'll be delighted."

They eat on the small space left by the pile of kitchen rejects, wash up, and go to Meredith's room. They don't hang out downstairs because Izzie could burst in anytime with anybody. They are both tired, so they get ready for bed in a lazy way while talking about domestic details: opening a joint checking account for household expenses, a furniture store near the hospital that looks nice, what kind of stuff he'll bring back from New York now that the brownstone will be up for sale, whether Meredith might want to go to New York with him.

When they're curled up as usual, Meredith says "Goodnight, Dr. Shepard" and he replies "Goodnight, Dr. Grey." But he can't sleep right away, he's too amazed by what happened before dinner.

Meredith told him she had already forgiven him for keeping his marriage secret, then urged him to ask for what she'd already given. Somehow she knew that if he never said those words to her – "I'm so sorry." and "Please forgive me." – he would not fully forgive himself, especially now that he understands how badly he had hurt her. Then she urged him to forgive Addie, and helped him do it. She persuaded him to take the brownstone for Addie's sake, and give the money away if he doesn't want it. She urged him to be kind to Addie, though Addie did nothing to earn Meredith's kindness.

He's more free of anger toward Addie than he has been in years. He's free of the biggest burden on his conscience: not telling Meredith he was married. He has no doubt that Meredith is the woman he wants, and that he is the man Meredith wants.

He thought Meredith was asleep, but she's not. She uncurls and sits up. "Derek, what is going on? You keep squeezing me. You're not sleeping. Why aren't you sleeping?"

"I'm too happy."

"That's an unusual cause for insomnia."

"True."

"Do you want to talk about it, or do something about it?"

"I'd rather do something."

She nestles next to him, sliding herself against his body, kindling that hunger for her that hasn't dulled since their first night together.

"Well, get on with it!"


	10. Let It Go

**Let It Go**

Izzie is set to share an apartment with a nurse from the clinic. She will move out next Saturday, one week away. Meredith puts her birthday bottle of Champagne in the back of the refrigerator so she and Derek can celebrate when they are alone at last.

Derek calls Addison and gracefully gives in on the issue of the brownstone. Addison knows Derek is too stubborn to just give in on an argument. She asks if he has forgiven her at last, and surprising both of them she breaks down in a storm of tears when he says he has. She calls back when she is coherent to tell him that the house and paperwork are ready. There is nothing left in the house that belongs to her or her family. The transfer of deed papers only require his signatures, they are waiting with the lawyer who handled the divorce. Derek can put the house and its contents up for sale immediately.

Addison can tell from Derek's voice that he is relaxed and happy. She can't think of a way to ask whether he sorted things out with Meredith until she hears Meredith's voice in the background calling out to him, then she asks if Derek would give Meredith her regards. He says, "Of course," and again surprising them both he adds, "She's been a good friend to you, Addie." Addison changes her message to regards and thanks, and hurries through the farewells. Acknowledging that this call might well be the last time they ever speak is awkward, and Addison is pained by realizing that Derek doesn't mind and she does.

Derek and Meredith are about to do to do something novel for both of them: they are going shopping to replace the ragged towels and threadbare sheets currently in use and maybe buy dishes and glasses. Most of the cups in Meredith's cupboards have nothing in common with each other design-wise. Cristina had given Meredith a copy of the detailed list, which even specified brand names, that Burke's Mama had compiled for their gift registry. Cristina had assured Meredith that if Mama thought these sheets and towels and dishes were good enough for Burke, they would be good enough for McDreamy. Meredith makes sure they have the correct measurements for the new mattresses and pillows before they set off into the bewildering maze of stores that is The Mall.

Derek is able to interpret the mysteries of thread count, but sateen and damask are beyond him, so they find a sympathetic saleswomen. Colors are the next hurdle because they don't know what colors the rooms will be or what the furniture will look like. Ivory works with everything, so after they hunt down the brand Mama specified they select for their bed and the guest room bed ivory fitted sheets and pillowcases, one to use and one to wash, plain mattress covers, primaloft duvets since primaloft doesn't shed like down does, also in ivory because you can always buy a colored duvet cover later, black and white towels for their bathroom and terra cotta colored towels for the other bathroom.

At the register, Meredith leans on Derek, exhausted, and declares brain surgery is easier as the total price mounts higher and higher. Her remark amuses the sales woman until she discovers that both of them are surgeons, and Derek actually is a brain surgeon. Derek pays, because Meredith doesn't have enough money in her checking account, but they'll keep the receipts and work it all out later if they want to or need to. Derek keeps insisting he owes back rent and Meredith continues to find that funny, though she can't seem to explain why.

Derek has enough strength left to venture into the dishes and glasses department, where they deviate from Mama's list because they like plain white china and mugs instead of coffee cups with saucers. They choose six place settings for now with cereal bowls and pasta bowls, and plain but pretty stainless flatware (a term Meredith has never heard before). She almost breaks down when faced with the vast variety of glasses, which are actually, she learns, called 'barware' and 'stemware'." She is accustomed to drinking milk, juice, water, beer, wine and tequila out of anything in the cabinets that has a hole in the top. She collapses on the floor and defers this set of decisions to Derek, who is amused by this almost feral aspect of his girlfriend. But he's from Manhattan, where shopping is bred in the bone.

They need a trained assistant with a trolley to get their bags and boxes out to the car and stashed in the trunk and back seat. While Derek and the assistant stash and stow, Meredith falls asleep in the front seat. Derek has to wake her up to avoid sitting on her head. They stop at their special café where the food is healthy but good, and Meredith revives at the sight of the menus.

They discuss whether Meredith could or should go to New York with Derek. She could, she has vacation and the Chief Resident would be delighted if she committed to work the upcoming holidays in exchange for a few days off now. It would be convenient to take the trip before she starts her rotation in Pediatrics in two weeks. But she wants to know, "Why do you want me to go to New York with you to sell the house? I wouldn't be any use."

After a bit of prodding he admits, "If I go by myself it's just an ordeal, the last ordeal of the divorce. If you come with me we can do some things that are fun. There are things I'd like to do in New York alone with you."

"What kind of things?"

"I'd like to show you the house I grew up in. I like to go to Sheep Meadow sometimes and remember my Dad. There's a restaurant I really liked, Lutèce. I'd like to walk in the Park with you. Maybe we could ride the Staten Island ferry."

"We wouldn't stay at the house, would we?"

"Absolutely not."

"What about your family? Won't they be upset if you go to New York and don't tell anyone?"

"I'll tell my mother. It's really a trip to get some financial business done, and family business would be a hindrance."

"Would we have to go shopping?" She's laughing, expecting the answer to be no, they wouldn't have to go shopping.

"I know a small boutique where you would like the clothes, where the assistants really do assist you. It's not as much work as regular shopping."

"You really like to shop, don't you?"

"I'm from Manhattan, the shopping center of the universe. I shop. It's an incurable condition."

"And you can't shop for yourself?"

"It will take me years to use up everything I already have."

There's a long pause while he's clearly trying to think of a way to say something, but she finally interrupts, "You're trying to find a tactful way to tell me most of my clothes are as ratty as my old Dartmouth t-shirt and I need new things, right?"

"Right, thank you. Are you offended?"

"No. Although I feel like I unleashed a whole other side of you when I said I wanted to do-over the house. All of a sudden you want expensive things. I thought you didn't like luxury."

"Believe me, these things we bought are not luxury. Addie had sheets with 1080 threads per inch that cost hundreds of dollars for one sheet. And I swear they weren't any softer than the sheets we bought today for 60 dollars. She had blankets of silk and cashmere that cost thousands of dollars. These are very normal things that we bought. They are strange to you because your mother wasn't interested in the house, but Izzie, who grew up in the trailer park, wouldn't be surprised at all."

"Do you mind if I give her the cake stand from the kitchen? She made so many cakes for us, and I know she really likes it. I want to give her something to remind her of my house, she was here with me the whole time and even though I won't miss her when she's gone, she really was important to me the first year."

"No, I don't mind. But back to New York."

"The things you said you'd like to do with me sound good. While you're talking to agents and people, I can talk to my mother's banker and lawyer about my mother's money, I can get on with that anywhere. I suppose you'll have stuff you want to bring back, I can help you pack. And if the boutique doesn't make me feel too much like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, I could use some new clothes."

"So, you'll come?"

"I'll talk to the Chief Resident tomorrow, I know she's already worrying about the holidays, so I'm pretty sure she'll agree to anything. When do you want to go and how long do you think it will take?"

"I want to go as soon as possible and I think it will take about five days. I'll have to select agents to sell the house and to sell the furniture or whatever Addie left behind. I'll probably have to meet half a dozen people at the house. There will be some packing, I still have stuff at the house. My lawyer will set up meetings, so when we go only depends on how fast these people can move. But anyone would jump at the chance to sell this house. You'll have to remind me again and again why I agreed to this."

"It's a symbol to her that you forgive her. The money isn't the point, it's a symbol."

"Addie asked if I'd forgiven her. She had to call me back, she was crying too hard to talk. She said to give you her regards, then I told her you'd been a very good friend to her and she said to thank you."

"Wow."

"I was surprised that you were so kind to Addie when we talked the other day. She wasn't very nice to you."

"No, she wasn't, but I understood it. She still loves you and I think she knew she was going to lose you. Some things were petty, she was very ostentatious with her rings around me, but not with anyone else. But on the medical things she was scrupulously professional. She's a good surgeon and a good teacher."

"You see the best in everybody. Maybe that's why I'm a better person around you."

"Once you weren't."

"Yes. I know that's on the list."

"I can't shop and cross things off the list on the same day."

"That's good."

"So, do you know things about money? I don't know anything about money and there's my mother's money, I don't have a clue how to deal with it. Other than I want to do-over the house, but I don't even know how to convert it into money. It's assets right now. What are assets?"

"Well, one thing is, it's your money now."

"I didn't earn it, I can't think of it as mine."

"You think of the house as yours."

"It was my grandmother's before it was my mother's. So it wasn't hers in the sense that the money she earned was hers."

"Usually an asset is stocks or bonds, and you sell them to convert them to money. If you do it yourself you don't spend as much in commissions. If you let them do it they'll charge you, usually a percentage of what they sell. Does that make sense?"

"I suppose. Do they think they know better what to sell and when?

"Usually they think they do. If it's invested in hard assets, like buildings, it can be complicated. If it's ordinary stocks and bonds they probably wouldn't do any better than you would do yourself with a little bit of research. Which I could help with."

"What's your commission?"

"Oh, I think you know what my commission is."

Meredith laughs her adorable cascading laugh, and Derek smiles his dazzling McDreamy smile.

So it's settled that they will go to New York together and his mother will visit them when they get back. He'll book the tickets as soon as they know exactly when they are going. Derek observes that Meredith pays cash for everything, and suggests she get a charge card like American Express, she'd have no difficulty with the assets she has in her name. A charge card would be helpful in New York unless she lets him pay for everything, like Richard Gere in Pretty Woman. Which would be fine with him, he adds McDreamily.

The vacation days and meetings work out easily, and before Meredith knows it they are on a plane bound for New York. Derek has a lot of frequent flyer miles from consults, so he gets them an upgrade to Business Class, a luxury Meredith has never experienced before. He warns Meredith that the only hotels near the house are luxury hotels, but he wants the convenience of being close to the house without being in the house, and he's willing to pay for it. Meredith feels like she's in a movie surrounded by VIPs and VRP's, but she's not intimidated.

As they check in at the Plaza Hotel, one of the agents Derek is scheduled to meet is already at the brownstone, so they have a bellman drop their stuff in their room, and go straight to the house that sat in limbo for nearly a year, that caused so much angst to both Derek and Addison.

Derek carries his laptop, phone and a sheaf of legal documents; Meredith has her phone and her new charge card. Derek gets immediately to work with the agent, while Meredith finds a room where she won't be a bother, and makes her calls. Her mother's assets are all straightforward mutual funds and are already in Meredith's name. They're parked at a brokerage house where she can set up an online account. They will FedEx overnight to her at the hotel all the account statements since the account was transferred to her from her mother's estate, and she can proceed from there. They will be delighted to be of assistance any time. Yes, they know the address of the Plaza Hotel in New York, and they hope she enjoys her time in The City. Meredith hangs up muttering about the checks she wrote to pay for their assistance, but she had expected to have to pry her mother's money from the lawyers' hands, so she's really quite pleased.

Derek is ushering the first agent out as Meredith finishes her business, so he suggests they go to the boutique, and if Meredith is comfortable there she can do-over her clothes while he meets the next agent. She likes the shop and the sales assistants. They chat for a while about what she does, where she goes, what she likes, what she wants, then they usher her back to the dressing rooms and measure her. They bring jeans, sweaters, blouses, skirts, slacks, dressy dresses, casual dresses, jackets, shoes, boots, stockings, underwear. They quickly grasp what she does and doesn't like and pare down the offerings skillfully. Just as in Pretty Woman they offer juice, Perrier, Champagne, pretty much anything she wants. She goes through a couple of bottles of Perrier; shopping makes her thirsty and she likes her water fizzy.

Meredith quickly chooses two pairs of jeans, four thin sweaters, two thick ones, knit shirts for underneath, two short skirts, two blouses, two sexier tops, a little black dress, a longer black dress, a dress that's gorgeous but they assure her can be worn to interviews or business meetings, strappy sandals, shoes for the jeans and the dress, boots, stockings, the most comfortable bras she's ever worn, underwear Izzie would die for, a coat, a jacket, a hat, gloves, and two purses. She hands over her card with a warning that she just opened it and American Express might panic, but Derek is prepared to play Richard Gere's part in Pretty Woman. And she doesn't want to know the total. Since Derek still hasn't called to say he's through, they ask if she's interested in cosmetics, so she decides to do-over her pre-Harvard collection of cosmetic odds and ends. She doesn't wear much make-up, just powder and blush and lipstick, and though they have some fun with the lipliners and lipstick colors, that doesn't take long. American Express does not panic at the total, her clothes are packed, and they get her a cab. They give her a gift: each of the sales assistants picked a bottle of perfume they thought she'd like. While Meredith gets all her new clothes up to the room Derek calls, he's coming back to the hotel.

When he arrives he looks strained and exhausted, just as he used to look when Addison first arrived in Seattle. He barely greets her as he lies down on the bed and stares up at the ceiling. Meredith lies down beside him and clasps his hand. He responds by entwining his fingers and they lay like that for a long time. Finally he says, "Tell me again why I'm doing this."

"It's a meaningful symbol. It helps Addie move on. Somebody has to do it, so you're being generous to take on the task. And you don't have to keep the money."

"That house was like a prison keeping me in a life I hated. You know what she should have told me? I don't care if she lived with Mark. She should told me she was a Forbes, what a Forbes is. They live in a barren world, there's no life and no love, all that counts is money and power. They're nothing like my family, they're the opposite of my family. She said she loved my family, but she lived like a Forbes. When she asked me to go with her – as a favor – to social events with her parents I thought she didn't want to be part of that life either. I was so naive then, I thought they were just snobs. I didn't realize how they treat each other, the barbs and stabs, the sucking up and flattery. It's all about being on top, or next to the top. She played the game without thinking about it, she wanted us to be the couple on top. I wanted kids, but I couldn't have children in that world."

Meredith rolls onto her side to face him and says, "No wonder you wanted land and a trailer by a lake and rivers to fish in."

"I didn't even care if I caught fish unless I was hungry. I just wanted to watch water wash the grit out of my life. The only relief was the OR or the river."

"Was I wrong to persuade you to do it?"

He says bleakly, "No," and pauses a long time. Meredith knows there's more, to wait for more.

"I had to forgive her for this. I've been angry at her for so long. She thinks we got busy and got lazy, but what really happened was I got angry. I tried to explain but she didn't seem to want to understand. Finding her in bed with Mark was a relief; I could leave, and finally I could be angry about something she understood."

Meredith knows there's still more.

"She didn't tell me she was a Forbes because she wanted me, and she knew I wouldn't marry into that world. But in that world it's OK to trick your quarry into the trap. She was just playing by their rules." Another long pause. "She gave it up in the end because she wanted to be with me; she came to Seattle and lived in a trailer to be with me because she loved me. Loves me. Which means that at some point she understood what the problem was."

"But you have to let it go."

"I have to let it go." Again Meredith knows there's more. "But then I did it to you. I trapped you."

"I've forgiven it."

"Me or it?"

"Both, you and it."

"But it's worse, what I did is worse, because I did it and I knew what it was like to be trapped in that way."

"I understand and I still forgive it and you. Look at me, I forgive you." He's looking at her, she's seen his eyes that intense before, but that was anger and jealousy, this is more complicated. There's grief and sorrow and shame, and there's something more he has to say.

"When there was the guy from Joe's with the tumor, then O'Malley, then Dandridge, I thought I'd been wrong all along, that you never loved me, that I was just another guy from the bar, how many more that I didn't know about . . ."

Silent tears run down Meredith's cheeks.

" . . . what I said to you in the stairwell, that was unforgivable. When I said I didn't want to breathe for you what I really meant was I need you to breathe for me. That was really unforgivable. When I see you after spending a day in that house I wonder how can you want me?"

Meredith now understands exactly how lonely and bleak his years of marriage with Addison were. Still, his bleak marriage was not more bleak than Meredith's life with Ellis when Ellis had a memory and a blazing anger, and later when she didn't recognize Meredith at all. Meredith had lived with Ellis's anger focused on her. Derek had lived with his own anger to sustain him. Meredith's life was harder and harsher than Derek's. She's been tempered in a hotter fire, she's tougher and stronger. She can handle the heat. But first she needs to breathe and cool her burning face, so she goes into the bathroom to splash her face and cool her eyes and drink some water.

When she returns Derek is sitting on the side of the bed with his head in his hands. She drops to her knees, sits on her heels facing him.

"Look at me, Derek. Look at me."

Whatever she says they have to do, he will do it. He looks at her, she rests her hands his on knees.

"You know why you want to be with me, you know I can give you what you need and you want. You believe I love you, now you do. You don't have any doubt that I love you. What we don't know is why you're right for me. I don't know myself as well as you know yourself. It takes me longer to know why I do things. There are reasons why you're right for me, we just don't know what they are yet. So you'll have to take it on faith, that you are right for me, that you'll continue to be right for me. 'The rest you'll have to take on faith.' Remember when you said that to me? Only this time I'm saying it to you and I'm not hiding anything. We have to take this on faith, both of us. So, yes, what you said in the stairwell was cruel, you wanted to hurt me so that I would feel what you were feeling, and believe me, you did hurt me, no one has ever hurt me more. I know you can't breathe without me, and that's fine with me. I can handle that. After a lifetime of being completely unnecessary to anyone, think how I feel to be necessary to someone, someone I love, you, your mind and your body, all of you. You aren't the man who lived in that house anymore, you're just remembering that man and confusing him with yourself. With Addison, you made promises in ignorance. With me, there's full disclosure. When you promise, when I promise, the promises are made with all the facts. The only thing we have to take on faith is the why, why you are right for me. We'll figure that out. Just have a little faith."

He's locked in her eyes, his face changes as feelings come and go until there is nothing left but relief. She knows everything now, and still she wants him. There's nothing left to tell, nothing on the list. And still, she wants him.

He lets it go.


	11. First Night

First Night

_(This chapter is probably M.)_

Meredith and Derek are both exhausted; neither wants to get dressed and go out or even go downstairs. They have room service and a hot shower together and go to bed, curled up in their usual configuration. They always start the night this way, by morning they'll be tangled in a knot of arms and legs, if one needs to get up before the other, the early riser will take care to extricate his or her self slowly so as not to wake the sleeping one.

Derek falls asleep immediately but Meredith is restless, Derek seems to revert to Eastern Standard Time just by being in New York, but Meredith is still on Pacific Standard Time. When Derek turns to his other side she lies on her back, thinking. Why is he right for her? She'd known nothing about him the night they met at Joe's, both refugees from the interns' mixer, though they hadn't known that at the time, but something drew her to him. When she was in college she'd bring a boy home, or go home with a boy after a night of drinking too much tequila nearly every Friday or Saturday. Different night, different bar, different boy. She didn't know why she did it then; she really doesn't know now why she did it then. But the night she met Derek was different. She didn't want a man, she wanted Derek. Even if she did forget his name in the morning, it was him, and only him, that she wanted. The name was just the label for the man. The man was who she wanted. Not what, who. She didn't want sex, any sex, she wanted sex with Derek, because he was Derek.

Why?

At the bar Derek had to prod Meredith to talk, though he duly noted that she tried to ignore him. He was cocky, but honest as well. They talked, sparring and bantering, as a powerful chemistry built up between them. When she stood up to leave, he stood up as well. Maybe he was being polite in the old-fashioned way, but she leaned over to kiss him, intending to kiss his cheek, the New York way, politely. If he was being polite before, he lost his grip on etiquette when she leaned into him, and she met his mouth, his warm, muscular mouth. He took her hand and they left the bar together and stopped at his car. In her college days that first drunken kiss was a foregone conclusion, but this was different. She wasn't drunk and neither was he, she knew what she was doing, but she couldn't tell what he was thinking. He leaned a little, she leaned a little and they were like magnets, jerked together by electricity and magnetism, locked in an embrace and a kiss that might have spanned centuries or just seconds, but it changed something fundamental for Meredith.

What?

They both spoke incoherently, simultaneously and stopped. Meredith got a grip first, and said "I have to be at work early tomorrow, you know, but, well, you know, if you want to come home with me . . ." She was unable to finish the sentence, but he helped out. "I'll follow your car."

She halfway regretted her invitation while she watched his headlights in her rearview mirror, but he gave her little time for second thoughts; while she unlocked the door his hands grasped her waist lightly as he kissed the back of her neck. Once inside she fumbled about looking for lights, she'd been gone from this house for eight years and there were boxes stacked everywhere hiding the light switches. When she knocked over a lamp Derek propelled her toward the window where the night light streamed in, they collapsed on the couch, mouth to mouth, hands everywhere.

The couch was too small, so Derek knocked the all little cushions to the floor and stood, pulling Meredith with him. He drew the zipper down the back of her dress, her head fell back as he kissed her neck, her throat, her shoulders. He stroked her bare back gently, but she could feel the strength in his palms and the power he held in reserve excited her.

Meredith's dress fell to the ground and he knelt to move it aside as she lifted each foot. Her bare legs in her sandals were too beautiful to leave untouched, not just with his hands but also his mouth and his tongue. Her hands were tangled helplessly in his hair as he stroked her everywhere but the one spot that wanted him most. When he freed her feet from her sandals his hands swept up the inside of her legs to her waist, and he lifted his face to whisper "Come down to me." She knelt with him thigh to thigh, sharing the cushion beneath their knees. He held her to him at her waist, leaning forward over her, her back arching under him, kissing her mouth, her throat, the warm soft curves above her bra.

Her head rested on the couch when he paused to ensure that she bore none of his weight in so vulnerable a position before he loosened her bra and his mouth moved downward to tease her, toy with her and finally to ravish her while the grip of her hands tightened on his shoulders and with each breath she begged for him more and more urgently.

He lifted her body to him, leaning back a little to let her rest against his chest, her face buried in his neck as his fingers ran through her fine soft hair. Her hands moved to his shirt, her trembling fingers to the buttons. He laid her gently on the floor and stood to undress. She watched him in the night light, beautifully built with small, fine bones like hers. When he knelt between her legs she lifted her hips to meet him. He'd never thought to take her that way, but what she offered he would try, and it was good for both of them. When her voice reached a climax, he let himself explode inside her. She collapsed to the floor while he lowered himself to rest above her on his forearms.

Meredith opened her eyes to find him gazing intently into her face; whatever he searched for he seemed to find utterly gratifying. Her hands were free now to stroke the long muscles of his back, the round muscles of his shoulders, to trace the curve of his lips, open and smiling now, clearly hungry for more of her. She whispered, "Again, please, again." looking up into his dark eyes, and his face grew eager, excited, even happy. There was the short interruption for safety's sake until his body rested lightly on hers, his eyes focused in hers, growing harder and harder inside her. He barely had to move bring both of them to a peak of urgent need and satisfaction.

He rolled onto his back and reached for her, she came quickly to rest against his chest, one leg between his thighs, her face on his shoulder. The floor should have felt hard beneath them, but they were both at that stage of pleasure where the body feels no pain. She murmured something unintelligible, so he asked "Tell me again"? She lifted her head and said "You are so . . . " but she couldn't finish her words before his head lifted to hers and they kissed helplessly, breathlessly. When the storm passed and they lay back again, she said one more word before she fell asleep on his shoulder: ". . . satisfying."

He satisfied her, not just sexually, in every way. How?

("You are so satisfying" meant more to Derek then the usual superlatives - amazing, great, fantastic – he was used to, from the woman whose face and voice altered little during their lovemaking. That woman was gorgeous to look at, dressed to attract not just his notice but everyone's notice, but when they were in the bed they shared, his lovemaking seemed like a formality, a symbol of possession, a symbol that she possessed him. This woman, the woman he held in his arms, had not sought his notice, had even tried briefly to repel his interest, but once they were alone she let him excite and enthrall her, offering herself, responding eagerly to his touch with her voice and with her body. As eager and ardent as she was, he had satisfied her.)

Meredith sifted her memory of that night for clues, for reasons why she had wanted to bring him home, and though she had sent him away so roughly, why she had hoped he would seek her out again, soon.


	12. Alone At Last

**Alone At Last**

With the brownstone and its contents for sale and Derek's belongings packed and shipped home, Meredith and Derek are free to entertain themselves with occasional interruptions from Derek's cell phone. In the city of 8 million people they are alone at last. They do New York things, wander around Central Park, ride the Staten Island Ferry, go to the top of the Empire State Building, eat traditional Jewish deli at lunch, and traditional French food in glamorous restaurants at dinner. They visit Derek's old house, but not his school because it's Bronx Science, a long boring subway ride away. They can't see Sheep Meadow in November, but Derek can shop any time of the year. Meredith remarks, "I'm beginning to feel like a kept woman."

"I am keeping you, but not in that sense."

"No one has ever given me so many things. I don't have any gratitude skills."

"I understand, you were raised by wolves. Anyway Addie is giving you these things. Then she'll give the rest of the money to the Clinic Foundation."

"Oh, Derek, that's wonderful!"

"See, you do have gratitude skills."

As they wander around New York they talk, completing unfinished conversations, asking questions about things that happened while they were separated.

Derek never knew how Meredith got Doc, and why she gave him up, so he asks while they're wandering through the Park. She explains the impulse that led her and Izzie to get a dog. During the holidays they all had fun with Doc, but George and Izzie lost patience with him after New Year's. Doc thought he was Meredith's dog; she was the one who took him for walks and drives, she fed him, she played with him, he slept in her room. He was mostly obedient with her. She would have found a way to train him, she knew she needed to learn to teach Doc. If Derek hadn't offered to take Doc, Meredith would have let George move out, and Izzie too. She would have broken up the little intern family to keep Doc. But Meredith knew Doc would be happier on 40 acres than in her house, so she gave him up.

Derek veers off the path to a bench, because Meredith is getting the wobble in her voice that indicates she's going to be full-out crying soon.

She never got over losing Doc. When she lost Derek people were sorry for her, they didn't talk about it much, there wasn't anything to say, but she could feel their sympathy. When she lost Doc no one expected her to feel anything. When that idiot with the bomb in his chest wrecked havoc in the OR everybody had sympathy for her part in that, and that's mainly how she got through the worst of losing Doc, transferring the bomb sympathy to the Doc grief. Then there was the short period when she saw Doc when she met Derek for Doc's walks. But then Doc died, and she's really not over that.

Derek finally understands that Doc was more than just company to relieve Meredith's loneliness, Doc was more than a link between him and Meredith. Doc was Doc Grey, the first member of her family that returned her affection and interest, and when she lost him nobody around her noticed or cared, including him. He says, "I think I understand now, he was like family for you, more than your parents, and nobody understood, I didn't understand. Do I understand now?" She nods, and he continues, "So we'll talk about him more, but it's not good for you, crying out here in the cold. Let's walk some more and try to think about something else."

Meredith has been thinking, now that their relationship looks permanent, whether she should transfer to another hospital.

"I think Richard will try hard to persuade you not to."

"Did he tell you that?"

"The last staff meeting he announced a strict policy on attendings or senior residents having any relationship with students at any level. Serious penalty, up to losing your job. There is one attending/resident relationship that formed before the policy and he doesn't think it's in the hospital's best interest, yes, we all know who he's talking about, to ask either one to leave. He will see to it that the resident's evaluations don't include that attending's, and if the resident wants to study the same specialty the resident will seek a fellowship outside of Seattle Grace. Anybody who has a problem with it, take it up with him. Period. End of discussion."

"And with every fresh banana always remember to use a fresh condom."

"_What?_"

"Remember Patricia's safe sex talk? The syphilis? It sounds like that talk."

"I missed most of that. I was giving Richard an MRI. We operated on his tumor that day."

"Oh, right. How much was your face burning at this meeting?"

"I think he waited for a meeting I didn't attend to make that announcement. I was in an emergency surgery. Jacques told me about it later." Jacques is one of the junior attendings in Derek's department. Both the other senior attendings are older than Derek, and kind of frosty. They would never talk to Derek about his girlfriend.

"How much was your face burning when Jacques told you?"

"Not too bad. He sees the funny side."

"Oh, there's a funny side? What's the funny side?"

"I can't think of it right now, but there must be one."

"Why would the Chief care that I stay? It's not that stupid promise to Ellis, is it?"

"No, he thinks you're really good. All the attendings do. I hear it all the time, 'Oh good, I got Grey.' You're better than most of the residents two years ahead of you. That's probably why the attendings tolerate the situation, and why the other residents don't grumble"

"No way."

"Afraid so."

When they're riding the ferry Meredith asks Derek why he doesn't want Chief of Surgery any more after she exercises her new gratitude skills by thanking Derek for the leather bomber jacket and shearling hat that are keeping her warm on the windy ferry ride.

"Chief of Surgery is more political and administrative than medical. Richard handles it smoothly, but when Burke was Interim Chief he struggled with all the meetings, phone calls, signing things, more meetings, scheduling. 'Chief of Surgery' had this artificial halo on it in New York that started to dim while I was at Seattle Grace. The halo hadn't completely disappeared when Richard threatened to retire, so I went through the motions – I thought I wanted it – but when he offered it I realized that I didn't want it. I'd rather be in the OR. Head of the department is enough for me."

"So you like being head of the department?"

"I do. I don't like having to live with other people's decisions at work. If the Chief who replaces Richard has completely different priorities than Richard being department head might be a bother. But it's mostly surgery, and occasional strategic decisions, who to hire, what equipment we need, that sort of thing."

"OK." Meredith is relieved that he didn't refuse Chief of Surgery because of her. The job does have that aura of power and prestige, but she can't see Derek sitting through a lot of meetings talking things to death. He likes surgery.

"So, did you ever ride the Staten Island Ferry to get to Staten Island?"

Derek blinks, then thinks a long time. "No."

"Have you ever gotten off at Staten Island?"

He thinks again. "No."

"So, this thing you have for ferryboats, it's intense this thing you have for ferryboats, but it's strictly platonic?"

"That's one way to look at it."

The issue of the age difference has been bothering Derek since it finally occurred to him a few weeks ago. He's not bothered by the actual age difference, just the issue of it.

"What is the issue of it? I've know about it since the first day at the hospital, you couldn't very well hold the position you have and be any younger than you are."

He's not really sure what the issue is either, but there must be one.

Meredith tries to help him out. "Is it because you're older so you're ready for things I'm not ready for because I'm so much younger?"

"No, I'm not ready for them either. I was 27 when Addie and I married. Clearly I wasn't ready for them then, and in the last 12 years I haven't made much progress. So that's not it."

"Is the issue that you might become less of a sex maniac before I do, or you might die before I do?

"It's probably something like that."

"Well, my feeling is that I'm willing to take the risk that I'll lose you tomorrow, if I can have you today."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

So she has him that night, actually two times that night and once in the morning, and that seems to take care of the age difference issue.

On the plane bound for Seattle they realize they've entered a new stage of their relationship. They've cleared the dam, everything that was blocked is now water under the bridge. They've finished all the conversations they can think of. Nothing is unforgiven, unconfessed, held back. It's too early to make a lifetime commitment, but that's what they're both shooting for.

They're looking forward to the holidays. Even if they work on the actual holidays they will celebrate them on their days off. Meredith will bargain with the Chief Resident to work when she most needs a resident in order to have the same days off as Derek, who schedules himself and the other five neurosurgeons. Derek's Mom will probably want to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with 1) people who haven't avoided her for several years, and 2) people who celebrate Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving and Christmas on Christmas. But Eileen has never cared about New Year's, she says every day is the beginning of a new year. Derek guesses that she will come out right after Christmas. Meredith should practice thinking of her as Eileen, because she doesn't like to be called Mrs. Shepard anymore.

Meredith has different feelings about family since she started thinking about the relationship between Ellis and the real Meredith, as opposed to the relationship between Ellis and the Meredith Ellis imagined her daughter should be. Everybody thought Meredith was just being dark and twisty about Thatcher's second family, but her feelings were quite straightforward: Yes, Meredith needed a family, but Thatcher's family was not the family Meredith needed. Given Thatcher's decision to ignore Meredith during her life in Seattle there was no natural place for her in Thatcher's family. Meredith knows Susan meant well, Susan had only good intentions, but she was wrong and Meredith was right, and the consequences were ruinous.

But Meredith does have a natural place in Derek's family. There would always be a place in Derek's family for his girlfriend. Having and losing Doc, having and losing and regaining Derek has taught her that family can be good, though there is always the risk of loss. The intern family was good, though it was temporary it was good. Family can be good. Ellis and Thatcher were exceptions to the rule.

Meredith is glad Derek's Mom is coming. Initially it will be awkward, but from what she's heard about Derek's Mom, she doesn't push, she just is, and what she is draws people to her. So Meredith doesn't have to worry about forming a relationship, it will happen organically.

Once the initial business of flying is over Derek lifts the armrest and puts both arms around Meredith, kisses her and says, "Thank you for helping me through that. I'm glad you talked me into it. I'm glad it's done. I could not have done it without you."

"I'm glad you're glad."

"I did a very New York thing."

"You bought me something."

"I bought you something very New York. It's from me, not Addie."

"If I'm supposed to guess what it is, that's not enough of a hint."

"It comes in a little blue box."

"I need more."

"You really were raised by wolves."

"You met my mother. Did you get the human or the wolf?"

"You warned me not to get personal, but she thought I was an Alzheimer's specialist. I explained I'd enrolled her in the study as a favor to you. I should have said Richard, because he was the one who actually asked, but I did it for you."

"Then she got personal."

"She fingered me as the guy who was making you happy."

"Oh, Derek."

"She was ferocious. I'm not sorry it happened. I would have never really understood what your life with her was like if I hadn't taken a direct hit myself."

"Oh, Derek."

"I yelled at her later while Richard and Burke and Bailey were trying to revive you. I told her everything good that happened to you happened in spite of her, and that if you died it would be on her. Addie had to stop me."

"Oh, Derek."

"She wasn't lucid. But it may have tripped the second coronary arrest. I did my best to bring her back."

"She didn't want to come back. She didn't want the surgery for her heart condition when she was lucid. The first heart attack happened when I told her she had Alzheimer's, that what she was remembering as the last thing that happened, it actually happened five years ago. She was angry at everything that happened to her that day. She didn't have anything to come back to. She didn't want to be here. I tried to come back, I wanted to be with you. You shouldn't feel responsible for her. Really, Derek. This is not a burden you should carry around. Let it go."

"OK."

"You let it go?"

"I did."

"So, what's very New York and comes in a little blue box?"

"It's in the name of a classic movie?"

"Derek, didn't you recently note the lack of a TV in our house? What are the odds I've seen this movie?"

"Audrey Hepburn?"

"Sorry."

"OK. I'm not being a tease, it's interesting to realize exactly how foreign this sort of thing is to you. Cristina would know this."

"She's from LA and her Mama is related to Burke's Mama. She knows what Champagnes are good. By the way, she says the one Joe gave me is good and it's waiting in the refrigerator for us when we are alone, in our own house that nobody else lives in."

"OK, I'm just going to give it to you, and you tell me if anything about it is familiar."

He pulls out a little Tiffany's bag with the little blue box and the white ribbon. Meredith doesn't recognize it, but she says it's pretty, almost the color of a robin's egg. Meredith opens it, it's a pendant, a Paloma Picasso design of a heart with diamonds on one half and plain on the other. It's beautiful and Meredith really likes it. It's the sort of thing she can wear all the time, under her scrubs or wearing a dress, so she asks Derek to put it on for her, and kisses him. It doesn't occur to her that the diamonds are real and the piece is white gold.

"What makes it especially New York?"

"I can't explain it. It's ineffable."

"Finally somebody uses that work in a normal conversation."

"Normal is not a word to describe any conversation with you."

"OK, normal. Tell me about your sisters and their families and your Mom and Dad."

"That's normal. Who do you want to start with?"

"Your Mom and Dad."

"My Mom's Eileen and my Dad's Paul. Mom is from New Hampshire and Dad from upstate New York. Mom's father was Irish, from Donegal, and her mother was Québécois. Both very stubborn, proud peoples, so you can see where I get that from. Dad's family were farmers but he wanted to be a doctor. He went to Columbia, he liked his ER rotation, so that's where he ended up.

"Mom got a scholarship from Barnard. One of the nuns at her school was a scholar in art and history and she passed all that to my Mom. She worked at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, starting with boring jobs and working up to something interesting. She and Dad had friends in common. Dad asked her out, and pretty soon they were married. Mom stayed at her job for a couple of years, but she and Dad both wanted a family, the bigger the better.

"Manhattan was different then, before drugs and the civil unrest. The Upper West Side where we lived was quiet almost until I went to college. You didn't have to be rich in 1964, you could buy a house on an ER doctor's salary. Being an ER doctor Dad saw a lot of unanticipated death, so he was very prudent with life insurance.

"They had us kids, Kathleen, Julia, Nancy, me, and Claire. Kathleen's a psychiatrist, Julia is an ER doctor, medical, like my Dad, Nancy is an OB/GYN and Claire is an art historian like my Mom."

"And between them they have 14 kids?"

"They do, but you shouldn't try to remember too much all at once."

"Well, what are your sisters like, personality-wise?"

"Kathleen is almost exactly like Mom. She's very warm, she draws people to her, all kinds of people. She has lots of friends from different venues in life. Psychiatry was the natural specialty for her, people trust her so readily. When you meet Mom you'll know what to expect from Kathleen.

"Julia is popping with energy, charismatic and funny, very witty. Part of what makes her good in the ER is that her personality attracts a patient's attention, and distracts them from their problems a little, she relaxes them while she's taking care of them. There's always a lot of laughing at her house.

"Nancy, well you've met Nancy. Kathleen and Julia don't seem to have any insecurities, but Nancy does and I think she felt she had to live up to the standard set by Kathleen and Julia. She's competitive, which no one else in the family is, and she didn't have anyone to compete with, that's frustrating. Mom says Nancy got the more difficult parts of our Irish Grandfather's personality.

"Claire's quieter, imaginative, so she might not be paying attention to what's going on around her, she might be off in some other world. She's great with kids because she can invent a game or a story at the drop of a hat."

"What about looks, what do they look like?

"Everybody but Nancy takes after Mom's Dad, the man from Donegal. Nancy takes after Dad's side of the family, another sore point with her. She's beautiful but she's different and she didn't like that, which is normal, kids want to fit in. Also collectively Mom, Kathleen, Julia, me and Claire got a lot of attention for the way we look, poor Nancy was overlooked."

"Poor Nancy."

"You'll have to let it go, you know."

"Being called a slut by somebody who doesn't even know me?"

"There's no point holding a grudge against Nancy. She doesn't realize that other people have feelings. She lives in Connecticut, a different world. Her husband is a corporate executive, they suit each other well, but they're very different from the other Shepards.

"Poor Nancy."

"That's the Shepards 101."

"Which sister's friends asked you out?"

"Mostly Nancy's and Claire's, but once one of Julia's. It's not as weird as it sounds, a lot of kids went to private schools. A girl at an all-girl school had to ask a boy out if she wanted a date for their dances. Brothers of their friends were the most approachable."

"And you look like that."

"I do."

"Where did you go to school?"

"Bronx High School of Science."

"Is it a special school for genius New Yorkers?

"Kind of. It's a public school, but you take an exam to get in. I think I read somewhere they get 20,000 applications a year now."

"Wow."

"We all got in, all the Shepards. We're all genius New Yorkers."

"Will you tell your mother that I was raised by wolves, so she won't expect a normal person?"

"No, I'll tell her your dad ditched you at the age of 5, and you barely saw your mother, which is just as well, because your mother was ferociously angry. And your father's second wife tried to include you into their life recently, which ended tragically and violently. So you haven't experienced normal family life yet. But you are a remarkably healthy person despite all that history, plus adorable and charming and brilliant _and_ you know how to deal with failure. And you're working on your gratitude skills."

"My Life As A Dog"

"A dog?"

"It's a movie, a Swedish movie, with a lot of voiceover from this boy, the main character, who doesn't have a family, and he compares everything that happens to him with the life and death of a dog who was sent into orbit as an experiment, but they didn't give her enough food, so she died. He thinks everything that happens to him is better than that, what happened to the dog."

"I see."

"No you don't, you're just being polite."

"We'll rent the movie."

"No TV."

"We'll get a TV."

"It's going to be interesting living with you alone, because there will be you, not raised by wolves, and me, raised by wolves, and no roommates who were also raised by wolves to make me look comparatively normal."

"It will be fine. Don't worry."


	13. Happy Holidays

**Happy Holidays**

Meredith wants to clarify one issue: "Just for the record, I don't believe in Santa Claus."

"The elves?"

"No."

"Eight tiny reindeer."

"No."

"How do you think the presents get under the tree?"

"I think you're going to put them there, unless I stop you from buying me any more stuff."

"What if some of them are already in Santa's hands?"

"I don't believe in Santa or his hands."

"You're a mean one, Dr. Grinch."

"I'm not a mean one. Take it back." Meredith and Derek are in bed and she's got most of the pillows on her side, so if it comes to a pillow fight she's got the advantage.

Derek's voice is muffled by the pillow and the fact that she's straddling his chest, but he takes it back.

"Why don't you want presents? Everybody likes presents."

"Do you like presents?"

"I have too much stuff already. I don't need another present for decades. But you have no stuff. You don't buy things because you live on a resident's pittance. Your mother never gave you presents. You're entitled to presents. Why can't _I_ give you presents?"

"Because I can't give you presents!"

"You just did over the whole house. It's beautiful now, and clean. You turned one of the bedrooms into a office just for me. That's not a present?"

"You know what I mean."

"I don't."

"Ellis's money paid for the house, not mine."

"Legally, if your name is on the account, it's your money."

"You know what I mean."

"If you mean it can't be your money because you didn't earn it, I do understand what you mean. But there's a gap in that logic. Most parents buy groceries and daycare and psychiatry fees, if necessary, for their kids. Ellis saved that money and left it behind. Your life would have been nicer if she'd spent it properly when you needed it, but she didn't so it's yours now."

Meredith thinks over the psychiatry fees remark, and suggests Derek take that back too as she collects pillows in preparation for battle.

Derek is ready this time and a minor skirmish ensues. It ends with Derek on the floor and Meredith in possession of the bed, but laughing too hard to protect her territory. Wrestling on the bed can only end one way, so they resume the conversation later.

Derek says, "I haven't given you anything extravagant, anything Cristina doesn't already have. Your mother could have given you stuff, but she didn't. I have close to no living expenses because I live in your house, I like to shop, and you could use some things. What's wrong with that?"

Meredith lifts up the little heart Derek gave her in New York and asks innocently. "What _are_ these little sparkly things?"

"Carbon."

"Oh, that's funny. You mean, carbon like on the end of the pencil?"

"Not exactly like that."

"What if I'd lost it?"

"I'd have got you another. There are a couple left in the store."

"Cristina explained the ineffable quality of Tiffany's to me."

"She couldn't. She's from Hollywood. Nothing in Hollywood is ineffable. It's all for sale. Ask my Mom what the ineffable quality of Tiffany's is."

"So when people want to know what you gave me for Christmas, and it's all going to be obvious, because I'm wearing it, what am I supposed to say I gave you?"

Meredith does have a few presents for Derek, a Columbia t-shirt, an obscenely expensive bottle of scotch, the top of the line of the distillery he prefers, and an obscenely expensive cigar. She wishes his one hobby wasn't so esoteric, but she has no idea what fishing gear he has or what he might like. She's never seen him read anything besides medical journals. He has more clothes than she does. He has more clothes than she would have if she had the normal number of clothes for a woman her age. But she knows Derek will have amassed many more gifts for her.

"You say you made an office for me, including a beautiful, comfortable, dark blue leather chair. Or you could get yourself a decent car, so I don't have to worry about you breaking down on the highway in that piece of crap Jeep, and say you gave me peace of mind. Which is one of the things, besides goodwill toward all men, that was in the original Christmas present from the baby Jesus. You do know about the baby Jesus?"

"Molly taught me. If we're going to have Christmas presents we have to go to Mass, otherwise it's just capitalism. We can't have Christmas presents and not remember what they're supposed to mean."

"My Dad has been watching all the churches in Seattle, waiting for me to show up at Mass. He'll be delighted."

"Do you think I need a new car?"

"By changing the subject are you giving in on the Santa argument?"

"That wasn't an argument."

"You knocked me off the bed."

"Doesn't make it an argument. Somebody, preferably not you, has to get mad for it to be an argument."

"Yes, I think you need a new car. Why do you think I drive you to work so often?"

"You said you like to get in early."

"And you fell for that?"

"OK, I'll get a new car. I'll give you an early Christmas present – you can shop for it."

"You'll get a better deal on it after New Year's."

Meredith doesn't like the piece of crap Jeep either, but it was the car that came with the house and she didn't question it, just as she didn't question the old mattresses and threadbare sheets. But she doesn't feel safe in it anymore, so she might as well get a functional car.

They don't have the residents' schedule for Christmas week yet, so they don't know which days Meredith will be working. It doesn't matter though. They enjoyed their Thanksgiving as much on Saturday as they would have on Thursday. On a day in mid-December when they're both free they get a Christmas tree and decorate it. Meredith found boxes of Christmas ornaments and lights that must have belonged to her Grandmother in the attic. Though most of the ornaments are too shabby to use, some are still beautiful and look old-fashioned and antique. The lights are prettier than modern ones, though they have to be careful about them because they get hot. Meredith asks Derek to shop for ornaments to in the style of their small collection, figuring a demanding shopping assignment will help keep him from buying her more presents.

Meredith's pediatric rotation is turning out to be fun. She keeps the little dog Tuck gave her for her birthday in one pocket with its face sticking out, and in another pocket she stores some goofy pencils that have animals where the eraser would be, animals like Dalmatian dogs or frogs, with limbs made of strings. The children can't play with the toys, but they give her and the kids something to talk about besides how they're feeling and what the doctor is going to do next. Her small hands are well suited to the small bodies and organs of children. Some doctors dismiss pediatric surgery as pink-collar medicine because they think that getting along with kids is something that comes naturally to women, but in reality children present with unique surgical problems that the pediatric surgeon has to master in addition to all the techniques of general surgery. And the patients are more fun. Meredith doesn't know where she wants to specialize, she knows a couple of areas she doesn't want to specialize in, but pediatrics is the first specialty she thinks she might like to do forever. Even if the jocks dismiss it.

Meredith and Derek decided to get the house do-over done all at once, suffering the maximum inconvenience for the shortest time. While the floor restorers worked downstairs the painters worked upstairs. When the floors were finished electricians went to work to install wiring for lighting and modern appliances, then the painters finished downstairs. Meredith hired a cleaning service for two days to clean everything under Izzie's supervision. The furniture arrives as it becomes available, and they have about half of it. It feels like a completely different house. Meredith thought the accountant would disapprove of the cost, but he said the house would be a greater asset if it were modernized. Meredith thinks they'll do-over the kitchen and the ugly bathroom after they recover from the first round of construction. Adele Webber recommended all the contractors and they all turned out to be very good.

Eileen is coming the 29th and Derek will make sure he has that day off to fetch her from the airport. Meredith wonders about a Christmas present for Eileen, but Derek already knows what she would like. She keeps photos of all her children and their families in her living room, but her photo of Derek is now out of date. She would want Meredith to be in the picture, so that's one more piece of business to fit in before Christmas. Meredith has never been part of the hectic Christmas chaos before, she never had to rush anywhere to be with anyone who cared to see her, she never had anyone to surprise with presents under the tree, and until Izzie she never even had a tree and decorations. Meredith enjoys her part of the Christmas chaos, and when she hears people grouching about the time or the money she feels like telling them they'd mind it more if they didn't have any part in it, but of course she doesn't.

Both Meredith and Derek are happy to have the house to themselves. Meredith's roommates had lived in the whole house, but Derek preferred the privacy of Meredith's room, even though it was horribly cluttered and not convenient to work in. Now he has the office with cable internet, and the little den to lounge in and the front room to lounge in as well. When his stuff arrives from New York he installs his various belongings in appropriate areas of the house, which makes it more homelike, once not everything in it belongs to Meredith. They are both busy, but when they have a free evening they enjoy the rooms downstairs, knowing that no one will burst in with a bad mood, or a disconcerting companion, or an emergency problem. They don't know if they are in a honeymoon phase of their relationship or whether they just get along well, but so far they've had nothing to argue about.

For Derek this Christmas has a special meaning since it's one year from the time that he realized that he was in love with Meredith. Looking back he feels like a dolt for not realizing it before, but he had connected unhappiness with Addie for so long, he didn't get it that he was unhappy because he was _not_ with Meredith, not unhappy because he _was_ with Addie. This Christmas with the woman he loves will replace the memory of last Christmas, and in addition, he will begin reconnecting with his family, starting with his mother, the center of the family. He knows that Meredith barely experienced the mother/daughter relationship, so the mother/daughter-in-law relationship will be beyond her. All Derek is hoping for is that Eileen and Meredith like each other.

Meredith doesn't know what to expect or to hope for. She grasps that she has some power over Derek because he gives her that power, it's exclusively hers and it's part of the love they have for each other. But she presumes that Derek's mother also has influence over her son, which started at the beginning of his life, and depending on the characters of the mother and the son, must change considerably through both their lives. Derek is clearly eager to have his mother with them, clearly eager to show his mother what has changed in his life – his work, the woman he loves, his homes – and made his life better. This will be the first time in Meredith's life that she will be so much a center of attention, and she has no idea how she will handle it. But she knows that Derek will support her when she's stressed, and she believes Eileen cares about Derek, and will care about Meredith too, when they know each other. And she hopes Derek gave Eileen fair warning about the wolf who raised her.


	14. Merry Christmas

**Merry Christmas**

With the excruciatingly bad luck that seems to plague all their interactions, Lexie picks a dreadful day to decide to talk to Meredith about Thatcher. Meredith had been scheduled for a normal 14-hour shift on Christmas Eve, which ran into an 18-hour shift because of a ugly motor vehicle accident. Most of the surgical staff, including Derek, were in surgery or post-op until nearly midnight. Meredith and Derek take 18-hour shifts in their stride, so they stop at church for Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve, the most delightful Mass of the year, if not the most solemn. After a few hours of rest they're back at the hospital expecting a slow day.

Nobody schedules elective surgeries at Christmas, and the only people awake at 6:00 am on Christmas morning are ruled by small children who want to open their presents. But on this particular Christmas day everything that could go wrong seemingly does go wrong and the entire surgical staff (reduced for the holiday) runs from the ER to pre-op to the OR to post-op and back again in endless cycles. Derek and Meredith drag themselves home to bed, and for once Derek forgets to eat or to feed Meredith. When she wakes two hours before her alarm, and three hours before his, in a screaming nightmare, he is uncharacteristically churlish and she is, as would be expected, upset while insisting that she's fine. Derek goes back to sleep without noticing that Meredith crept out of bed, unplugged her alarm and went downstairs. He's not on until 8:00 that morning, but she has to be at the hospital at 6:00, and at 4:00 am it just doesn't make sense to try to get another hour of sleep. She's worked under harsher conditions.

As long as she's awake, she might as well be useful, so she drives into the hospital early, only to find that a boy who has been her patient for almost two weeks died in the night. The loss of a patient is always bad news, but given the right combination of doctor and patient, the news can be heartbreaking. Meredith, for whatever reason, had been fond of this kid, and takes his death very hard.

She's scrubbed in on a surgery when Derek gets to work so he can't apologize for being so unsympathetic the night before. When she gets out of surgery he's in surgery, so she can't apologize for waking him. She can at least sit down in the cafeteria with a really really hot cup of coffee. That's the moment Lexie looms into view, seating herself across from Meredith and inquiring in one long question whether Meredith had a good Christmas, what time she came on and isn't it a beautiful day after yesterday's storm. Meredith hadn't noticed yesterday had a storm, so she only has two questions to ponder before she looks at Lexie angrily, and says, "Dr. Grey."

"Dr. Grey?"

"Yes. Dr. Grey."

"I'm sorry?"

In the face of Lexie's confusion Meredith is unusually terse. "My name. Is Dr. Grey. Look around this room and identify any other resident, not of your own year, that you would address by their first name and sit with, without requesting an invitation."

"But we're, I mean I am, you know, I'm your . . . aren't I ? . . . and George said that you would, you know, maybe talk . . . to me, because you had . . ."

"Dr. Grey, I will talk with you about your problems with your father, because I had, as you've clearly noted, similar problems with my mother. Next time I expect you to address me correctly, ask if the time is convenient, and wait for my invitation before you park yourself at the table I occupy."

Lexie tries to stand up but the chair resists, making an appalling screech that draws all eyes to the drama between the Grey half-sisters. "Yes, Me, umm, Doc . . Doctor."

Meredith is by now furious and practically barks, "Lexie. Sit."

Lexie sits.

"Last year I didn't know this either so I don't blame you. I haven't left this hospital for more than four hours at a time in the past three days. I just lost a patient I was very fond of. My mother-in-law is coming in a few days, I'm not sure what today is, I don't know how many days I've got to catch up on my sleep and take a shower. I'm not sure when I last ate. My point is, you can never, ever, know what the doctor you are about to ambush has been through, so be polite, respectful, and ask first. All doctors."

Lexie is frozen with politeness, respectfulness, and wordlessness. Meredith softens a little bit.

"Lexie, at the hospital we're not related. I'm any first-year resident and you're any intern. You can't barge in on my private time any more than you can barge in on Dr. Yang's private time. Now, let's both get up slowly, and you go back to work and I'll get another cup of coffee since this one's cold. Find me after New Year's, and we'll talk about your Dad. Just ask first."

"OK, Me . . Dr. Grey. And, um, Happy New Year, you know."

"I haven't had Merry Christmas yet, I'm not ready for Happy New Year."

"I'm sorry, Dr. Grey, about your patient, and everything, really I am."

"Don't worry about it. Happy New Year."

Meredith gets another cup of coffee, not so hot as the last one, and wishes that cursing half-sister interns would heat it up further. She gets a page just as she sits down, so she stands up again, trying to drink and stand at the same time, with the predicable spill. That's why they're called scrubs, and she can change again as soon as she deals with this page. The coffee's nearly dried by the time she finishes dealing with that page and she wishes the caffeine had invaded through the skin.

She can hear herself lecturing Lexie in an endless loop. She's pretty sure she got similarly busted by every attending or resident she worked with her first year. She feels guilty about it anyway. On the one hand, she's not sure she would have been that hard on anyone besides Lexie. On the other hand, she's not sure anyone but Lexie would have been that presumptuous. That goes on the loop as well, so now she's got her lecture, her excuse and Lexie's excuse all on one endless loop. Next thing she knows she's on the carousel and luckily someone catches her head just before it hits the floor.

She comes right out of it, drenched in cold sweat and very irritable. It's almost 6:00 pm so fresh doctors are coming on shift, which leaves one free to take her temperature and blood pressure, flash the light pen in her eyes, determine that she doesn't know when she last ate, and that she's been working nonstop for the last three days, practically speaking. After she changes to dry scrubs a doctor fixes her up with an IV dextrose drip, a warm blanket in an empty room, and promises to page Shepard.

Only, the doctor forgets to page Shepard so Derek drives home at 8:00, waits a few minutes for Meredith before calling her cell phone and paging her. She doesn't answer her phone or pager, because they're in the sweaty scrubs she took off. Derek waits, impatiently calling and paging for about 30 minutes before driving back into the hospital. She's not on the board, she's not in the locker room, so he finally asks at the nurse's desk where the answer is "Didn't somebody page you? She's in the last room at the end of the hall. Don't let her drive." But the nurse doesn't know what happened.

Derek goes down the hall to the room the nurse indicated, to find Meredith asleep, with a dextrose drip. Another nurse comes in to check on her, and explains to Derek that she fainted at about 6:00 , that they knew she'd been on 18-20 hour shifts the last three days, and she couldn't remember the last time she'd eaten. So they hadn't bothered her with tests, just started to replace blood sugar and made sure she was warm and dry and lying down. In all of this talk Meredith doesn't wake up, she's very sound asleep.

It's a Friday night, so their café stays open to 11:00, but they have to hurry. Clearly Meredith needs food, but Derek is tired and doesn't want to cook. He tries to wake her gently, but she startles out sleep in a panic. Eventually he loses patience and snaps at her "Meredith. Focus. We have to get to the café in 20 minutes. Wake up. Are you awake? Yes? You're awake."

They get the IV out and dispose of it properly. Meredith stands up without wobbling.

Derek asks "Can you get to your locker and get your stuff and meet me at the entrance? That will save time if you're steady." Meredith meekly agrees to fetch her things from her locker and meet Derek at the hospital entrance. When she gets in the car and buckles up he's radiating irritation. They get to the café in record time, 20 minutes before closing, and he orders for both of them, without consulting her. Meredith says somewhat formally "I'm sorry about waking you up last night." All of a sudden he doesn't seem like someone she sleeps with, he seems like a stranger she inconvenienced last night and again this evening.

Their waitress brings the orange juice he ordered, Meredith gets the extra large one. She knows he expects her to drink it, and she does, but she's starting to feel contrary.

"How could you be so careless about eating? They said you couldn't remember the last time you ate."

"That I couldn't remember doesn't mean I didn't eat, it just means I couldn't remember."

"That's ridiculous. If you ate you'd remember it. When was the last time you ate?"

"Derek, I don't even know what day it is."

"It's Friday the 26th of December."

She hadn't eaten today, though she'd tried to have a cup of coffee. She has to be at the hospital before Derek does most days, so they don't eat breakfast together regularly. She doesn't remember eating breakfast or lunch yesterday, and they didn't eat when they got home. She doesn't remember much about Wednesday, it was so long ago. Mostly she remembers the nightmare, Jonah's death, and yelling at Lexie. Everything else is a blur.

Derek reiterates: "When was the last time you ate?"

"I don't remember."

"What do you remember?"

"I remember the nightmare, that Jonah died last night, that I yelled at Lexie and felt guilty about it. It's all like a tape that keeps playing in my head."

"If that's a bid for sympathy, it's not working."

"Well, thanks for the warning, but I get it already, you're seriously not sympathic."

Their food arrives and they eat in silence. Usually food gives Meredith energy, but tonight it makes her sleepy. She prods herself awake, Derek prods her awake. They finish, he pays the check and propels her toward the car. It's only a 10 minute drive home but she falls asleep in the car and Derek has to wake her up. She gets ready for bed in a zombie-like state, but when she sits on her side of the bed she wakes up and asks Derek "Do you want me to sleep in the other bed?"

Still radiating irritation, he asks, "Why would I want you to sleep in the other bed?"

"Because of the nightmare, in case I have it again, and because you're mad at me."

"No, I don't want you to sleep in the other bed."

"OK."

But she lays on her side of the bed, not in the center. She expects if she touches him, she will annoy him even more. A man radiating irritation is not a cozy sleeping partner. She wishes she had just taken her pillow and left, but if he falls asleep before she does, she can go sleep in the other bed anyway. They both lay in bed wide awake, desperately needing sleep. Derek rolls into the middle of the bed and reaches for Meredith. She's tense, unwilling to move. His voice is gentle now. "Meredith, I'm not mad at you. I was, but I'm not anymore. It was a bad three days. Maybe yours were worse."

"Mine were worse."

"Tell me about it tomorrow. For now we need to sleep. We need each other when we sleep. Please move over." She moves over, nestles her body against his and he wraps his arm around her. She kisses his hand, he kisses her neck, they fall asleep.

Meredith wakes up to the smell of coffee and the sound of Christmas music. Today must be their designated Christmas Day, when the hotly debated Santa will put presents under the tree. As she gets ready to go downstairs, she finds a Santa hat draped over her towel. She's a good little elf and puts it on.

Meredith doesn't mind waking up with Derek after he's been annoyed with her, his affectionate embrace is enough to reassure her he's not still angry, but she doesn't like having to seek him out. When Ellis was annoyed or angry with Meredith, she stayed angry for days; facing the blast furnace of Ellis's enduring anger is one of Meredith's worst memories. She knows Derek isn't mad at her anymore. She understands why he was so upset last night. She could have hurt herself badly if her head had hit the floor when she fainted, she caused unnecessary work for hospital staff, and Derek didn't know where she was or what had happened to her for two hours. But she reflexively dreads facing a person who was angry with her as recently as last night.

She'll say she's sorry she caused all the fuss and bother, and he'll say something about working on her eating habits, and that will be that. She wishes he would be sorry for being angry, but he is a very proud man, and Meredith doesn't think it would be useful to wring apologies out of him for minor transgressions, especially when he has a better case for his behavior than she has for hers. Not getting a reciprocal apology also makes her think of Ellis, but Meredith knows that for every important hurt Derek caused her, he has acknowledged he was wrong and that he is sorry. She feels intuitively that he and Addison never managed to achieve that, and that Meredith and Derek will always achieve it when it's necessary.

She's sitting on the bed thinking about it when she hears him on the stairs, so she leans over to rummage under the bed for his presents. Somehow the box moved toward the center of the bed. By the time Derek reaches their room she's on her stomach, halfway under the bed, toes waving in the air, with the box still out of reach.

"Are you hiding from Santa?"

Muffled, but audible "Trying to."

"Is there any way I can help?"

"Don't look at me."

"OK, I'll go pour your coffee."

"Thank you."

With one more swipe at the box Meredith retrieves it and inches back into daylight. She combs her hair again, puts her elf hat back on, and goes downstairs to see what Derek is up to. She tries to avert her eyes from the pile on one side of the tree while she deposits her presents for Derek and retreats into the kitchen where there is coffee and a baking smell. "What's baking?"

"Izzie was here this morning and she left a pan of muffins for breakfast."

"You'll eat muffins for breakfast?"

"These are healthy muffins. Pumpkin, flax, cranberries, walnuts and spices."

"It will be an insult to Santa if you don't eat them. The only person who likes Santa as much as you do is Izzie."

"She printed out the nutrition facts, so I don't have to insult Santa. They're fit for a health nut."

"So! You denied being a nut before, but now you admit it."

"I said the muffins are fit for the nut. I didn't say I was the nut. You're going to eat them, and you're not a nut, not a health nut anyway."

"Yeah, well, I'm sorry about causing all that trouble yesterday. It was really stupid of me."

"Do you feel well today?"

"Still tired."

"You don't feel hungry, ever?"

"No, I don't, I really don't."

"That can't be normal. You need food in your lab coat pockets. Or pages to remind you to eat. Maybe I can program your cell phone."

"That would be embarrassing."

"Fainting from hunger wasn't embarrassing?"

"It was, actually."

"I didn't pour your coffee, I was afraid you might be awhile."

When they're facing each other across the table with Izzie's muffins and butter and bananas and oranges, Meredith says, "I was hoping that if I have the hat, you would have antlers. Two red hats seems redundant."

"Maybe next year."

"Do kids really believe in Santa?"

"You can't find that out without disturbing their convictions. You have to judge by inference. A lot of kids act like they believe in Santa."

"And you're sure they're not doing it for the benefit of their silly parents?"

"They don't do anything else for the benefit of their silly parents, why would they do that?"

"Maybe they think their parents are really gullible and they're secretly making fun of them."

"No 4-year-old can secretly do anything. At that age they're an open book. With Santa pictures, by the way."

"I don't think I could discuss Santa with a kid and maintain a straight face."

"It's OK to smile, or give a jolly old Ho-Ho-Ho."

"I would be trying not to laugh and they would think I was trying not to throw up or something."

"Throwing up does happen at Christmas. Cookies and candy canes. Kids would not be surprised if you threw up. Or look like you're trying not to."

"I'm starting to think you really do believe in Santa."

"I maintain an open mind, which is more than I can say for you, Dr. Grey."

"I can sew that up for you, Dr. Shepard. I've scrubbed in on many brain surgeries."

At that Derek laughs outright, and changes the subject. "Kathleen called on Christmas Day, from the grand Shepard get-together. They left a long message with performances from various nieces and nephews. I saved it so you can hear it too. You're mentioned by name."

"When did you discover it?"

"This morning. I ate considerably more than you since Christmas Eve, but I think I only got two or three more hours of sleep."

"You did a little better than that, I couldn't sleep after the nightmare."

"What was that about?"

"I don't remember much anymore. There were mother monsters."

"Doesn't take much psychology to figure that out."

"No. Did you call Kathleen back yet?"

"Not yet. Also your Chief Resident called, she doesn't want you to come in tomorrow, because of the fainting."

"Am I in disgrace?"

"No, but I don't think I'll be the only one reminding you to eat."

"Being with a group of interns with appetites reminded me to eat. Now I'm on my own."

"How can it be that you are never hungry?"

"Ellis was never here when I got home from school or after-school stuff. Unless one of my friends' mothers fed me, I didn't have any thing to eat. I don't know what Ellis ate, probably the hospital cafeteria. I guess she expected me to look after myself. I really didn't like to be in the empty house after dark, I felt better in my room. So if there was food in the kitchen, which I kind of doubt, I didn't try to find it. And I didn't have any way to get to a grocery store - there wasn't one in this neighborhood. Sometimes my friends' mothers would stop at a grocery store as a quick errand, and I would buy something if I had any money, but I didn't know ahead of time they would do that, so I didn't always have money. Don't look so horrified, it's all in the past."

"Breakfast?"

"Mostly no. Sometimes there was a box of cereal, I could eat that. No milk though."

"Lunch?"

"School cafeteria."

"You're so small because you were undernourished by a woman who left half a million dollars after five years in a nursing home, your college and medical school. And you won't call it your money."

"She was terminally angry with me. It's hard to accept money from somebody so angry, specifically so angry with me."

"No wonder you dream of mother monsters."

"It's pretty self-explanatory."

"I wonder if you eat regularly for ten years, if your hunger nerves will repair themselves."

"You know more about nerves than I do."

"So you were alone in this big house at night when you were eight years old?"

"Yeah."

"If the house caught fire, she'd get in big trouble for that."

"I'm kind of glad the house didn't catch fire."

"No wonder you don't feel like she was your mother."

"I think I was raised by wolves. I think they lived down the basement."

"Can you eat any more muffins?"

"No, I'm full. I'll get Izzie to teach me to make these, they're really good."

Derek gets up and puts dishes in the sink. "Let's go play with our presents."

Meredith gets up too. "You are such a little kid."

He catches her from behind and lifts her off the floor and whispers in her ear "I'm a big kid too. The big kid likes presents too."

Meredith whispers too. "Does he want the action figures or the real thing?"

"The real thing."

"I think we have that in stock, Dr. Shepard."

He puts her down and turns her around and both the little red hats land on the floor as they kiss long, and hard, and slow, a prelude of the love-making to come.

Then the little kid revives and Meredith's hat is replaced and she's propelled into the room with the tree. Derek turns on the tree lights and restarts the music, and says "I want to know where you found this music. I really like it." It's a small choir singing Christmas songs from the 1500's and reading from the New Testament in Middle English.

"At the iTunes store."

"But I mean, where? Did you just find it? Did you look for it? Where was it?"

"I used to hear this choir in Boston so I looked them up. They have lots of records."

"I wouldn't have guessed that you'd like this sort of thing."

"I used to sing this sort of thing."

"That's how you know how to sing!"

"How do you know I sing?"

"When you have your iPod on and you don't know I can hear you."

"Oh, no."

"Don't worry, you're always in tune. Anyway, presents. Look! Presents!"

The ratio of Meredith's presents to Derek's presents is maybe 4:1, so he gives her four wrapped boxes and takes one for himself. Meredith didn't try to disguise the scotch bottle, the liquid sloshing would give it away anyway, so he unwraps that first and pours some for both of them. The scotch is wonderful and makes Meredith more relaxed about her stash of presents.

For Meredith there's some jewelry to go specifically with the dresses she bought in New York – amethysts in white gold for the lavender dress, onyx with little diamonds in gold for the black dresses – and more general purpose jewelry for everyday or casual dress. For Derek there's the cigar, which Meredith didn't try to disguise either – its scent gives it away – so Derek thinks he knows what it is until he opens it and is surprised! He didn't think these were obtainable anymore. She won't reveal her source, so she has something she can give him that he can't get for himself. For Meredith there are some clothes from the boutique that she liked a lot, but didn't buy because she didn't want to spend too much. For Derek there's the Columbia t-shirt, so now all their schools are represented sartorially. Finally for Meredith there are three books that represent three sets of books he bought for their empty bookshelves – Jane Austen's novels, The Palliser novels, and leather-bound Shakespeare. Cool! And finally for Derek there's a mystery box, which when opened reveals a mini Mini Cooper. Meredith reminds him, "You said I needed a new car."

"I was hoping you would get one you could drive."

"I will, but you said to wait until after New Year's. This is just the advance team."

"You're going to drive a Mini? How appropriate!"

"Don't worry, you'll fit in it."

Then Derek tackles Meredith amidst the paper and ribbons, and says, "Now about that other present . . . "


	15. Reunion

**Reunion**

After their designated Christmas Day, Derek and Meredith have only one day to make the house visitor friendly. Derek spends that day buying and installing things he and Meredith hadn't gotten to yet, a computer and TV/DVD and music system. They go food shopping and Meredith makes a luxurious basket of lotions, soaps, shampoo and conditioner and so forth to compensate for assigning Eileen the ugly bathroom. They order movies, books, and some kitchen equipment from Amazon, and set up a Netflix account. They also get a guide to Seattle and a book of maps, since neither of them know the city well. They don't want Eileen to be bored if Derek and Meredith are at the hospital at the same time, which is not unlikely during the New Year's holiday.

New Year's Eve and New Year's Day are usually busy days in the ER and the OR. The neurosurgeons never plan to vacation on New Year's Eve. Normally there is one senior or one junior attending at the hospital and one of each on call. During the New Year's holiday, all are on call at all times. Cracking down on DUIs has reduced the really serious injuries over the years, but touch football, tackle football, and other drunken antics cause many head injuries, and Seattle Grace is the preferred hospital for emergency neurosurgery.

Because she worked so intensively at Christmas, Meredith is only scheduled to be on call for most of the New Year's holiday. Derek is also on call, but more likely to be called in. Eileen knows their schedules will be like this, and prefers it, because she doesn't want to be the center of attention. She wants to be in their lives for long enough for them all to relax and be themselves, so she can get to know her son again, and become acquainted with Meredith.

Meredith is working the day Eileen arrives, so Derek meets her alone at the baggage claim. She is inwardly overjoyed to see him looking so relaxed and so happy; she had grown accustomed to the strained and exhausted look he wore during the last years of his marriage with Addison. She arrives around noon, so Derek suggests lunch on the way home, and they stop at the café he and Meredith like. Their waitress knows Derek and Meredith by now, so she introduces herself to Eileen and welcomes her to Seattle. This sort of attention is commonplace in Seattle, but rare in New York, and Eileen likes it.

Derek tells Eileen that Meredith wants her to know that she was raised by wolves so Eileen won't expect a domesticated, civilized being. He sketches briefly the situation with Ellis and Thatcher, illustrated by the fainting incident, and the "direct hit" (his words) that he took from the lucid Ellis when she fingered him as the man making Meredith happy. Meredith is gradually picking up the skills girls learn from family, but her instinctive compassion for and empathy with patients is more important than receiving gifts gracefully or small talk with extended family. She's still edgy with many people other than patients, but that's wearing off. And though her childhood was in many ways pathetic, she now likes the life she has and thinks she can live it well. So if the pitiful aspects of her past come up in conversation, which they sometimes do, take it in stride, she's not expecting a pity party. It's just the facts of her life.

They catch up on Shepard family gossip, and Eileen passes on messages from various sisters and their husbands and kids. Kathleen's family and Julia's family are eager to be invited to camp out on his land. Nancy wants to convey an apology to Meredith. Eileen doesn't know what the apology is for, and from the hot blush on Nancy's face when she gave Eileen the message, she's not sure she wants to know. From the thundercloud that crosses Derek's face, Eileen concludes to herself that she definitely doesn't want to know. She tells Derek all she knows is that Nancy talked to Kathleen and that this apology comes from that talk. Derek says Meredith will be happy to hear it, and the cloud passes over.

Eileen asks about his land and his home there. She doesn't refer to his home as a trailer, and he doesn't fail to notice that she calls it his _home_. He explains that he can't be that far from the hospital until after the holiday, but they'll go see it the first pleasant day. They talk about the lake and the nearby river, the trails and the views, and being able to see the stars at night. He explains that they plan someday to have a house there, but he is starting to think that living there full-time might not be for the best. They would have to look into schools and that sort of thing. He has pictures he can show her, and Meredith has a couple of pictures of the dog they had. His name was Doc, and Meredith loved him like he was her little brother. They want to have a dog again when Meredith feels ready for a new dog.

They finish lunch and go home and Derek gives his Mom the house tour. She's the first person to get a tour, it's so new that no one else has had a chance to see it yet. Eileen is impressed by the combination of comfort and elegance. Derek explains that Meredith selected the furniture, he wouldn't express an opinion about furniture until she knew what she wanted, because it was her money, or as she calls it, her mother's money. She was a little overwhelmed by fabrics and paint colors and he helped with that aspect of the décor. They plan to modernize the kitchen and one bath (Meredith loves the antique bath), probably in the spring. Derek shows Eileen the computer with the bookmarks of newspapers and magazines that he saved for her, and the TV and where the books and movies and CDs will be when they arrive tomorrow.

At 4:00 Derek makes Eileen a cup of tea, just like she has at home, and they sit in the front room and talk. Eileen wants to know more about Meredith. "Did she grow up in Seattle?"

"She lived here with both parents till she was 5. Then she and Ellis, her mother, lived in Boston for two years, and returned to Seattle until Meredith went to college at Dartmouth. Ellis was getting treatment for Alzheimer's in Boston when Meredith graduated, she needed Meredith's help, so Meredith went to medical school in Boston, at Harvard."

"Why did she come back to Seattle?"

"For Ellis. She was losing all her memory, and they thought, her doctors and Meredith, that it might help her keep a grip on reality if she was in Seattle. Ellis lived most of her life here."

"Did it work?"

"To some extent, it worked. She retained memory of the time in her life that was most important to her, which took place in Seattle."

"So she's very unselfish, Meredith must be, to devote so much to her mother, who didn't take care of her."

"She is most generous person I've ever known. She not only brought Ellis here, she visited Ellis regularly even though Ellis didn't recognize Meredith, and confided in Meredith all the sordid details of a love affair, which ended badly. Ellis blamed the ending on Meredith, the fact that Ellis had a child, Ellis stayed angry with Meredith for the rest of her life."

"The poor child. Is it true that she lost this man because of Meredith? Does Meredith know who he is?"

"No, it's not true, and yes, eventually Meredith figured it out. It's not a pleasant story."

"You said her mother is famous in surgical circles? How does that affect Meredith?"

"In any other city people wouldn't immediately make the connection but in Seattle medical people know she's Ellis Grey's daughter. She had to deal with some professional jealousy until people worked with her and realized that not only is she very gifted, but also that she doesn't grab and brag. Surgeons are usually competitive, so that's rare. Also, Ellis's personal flaws are well known here, so Meredith has had to live with gossip and talk about her parents."

"Her father still lives here?"

"He does. He started a second family, which she didn't know about until last spring."

"That's harsh. I guess he didn't try to stay in touch with her?"

"No, he didn't."

"And she's very gifted?"

"Yes, she is. She's just in her second year, but most of the attending surgeons would rather be assigned Meredith than residents in their third of fourth years."

"Is she ambitious, like her mother?"

"No, she saw where that took her mother and it's not where Meredith wants to end up. She loves the work, but she isn't trying to please Ellis, or be the best in her class, or carry on a tradition. She just loves the work like any normal person, like Dad or like you, love their work."

"How did she like New York?"

"She was amazed by the solitude in the midst of 8 million people."

"Really!"

"You saw how it was at the café, we go there maybe once a week, it might be breakfast or lunch or dinner, but the whole staff know us after we've been there ten times. In New York they'd never know us, and if they did they'd never let on. And Dartmouth and Harvard aren't like the rest of New England – college kids are acutely aware of all the other kids – the towns are Yankee but the campuses aren't."

"That's true. Did you get to do much while you were there?"

"We saw the old house on Riverside, and we rode the ferry and we had great tables at Jean Georges and Daniel and Aquavit – I asked the concierge at the Plaza to make reservations, otherwise they'd put us behind the kitchen door – so Meredith saw some glamorous night life. She discovered Jewish deli. She very patiently let me shop. I got busted on the ferry – she figured out that I never rode it to actually _get_ to Staten Island. "

"You and your ferryboats."

"Me and my ferryboats."

"She's got lovely taste in furniture. Is she artistic in any other ways?"

"Her clothes are beautiful too, and she sings. I don't know the story on that because she only found out a couple of days ago that I know she sings. I'll probably never hear her again."

"Does she sing along with music then? What kind of music?"

"Everything. Anything. She knows the whole Messiah, not just the melodic line, and other things I can't identify. Even when she sings along with the punk bands like The Clash she doesn't sound silly – she gets the style right."

"If you hadn't let on that you knew, I might have gotten to hear her too."

"Sorry about that. It just slipped out."

"What time is she getting home? Should we be making dinner?"

"She's off at 8:00, so we have time."

"She still had roommates around Thanksgiving, didn't she? So you two haven't had a lot of private time yet. It's really nice of you to let me come out so soon."

"We both wanted to see you."

"Is Meredith nervous about it?"

"She is. She's not at all open when she's nervous, so you'll know when it wears off."

Clearly Eileen is thoughtful and tactful. There are many things she wants to know about Derek, Meredith, Addison, the divorce, Meredith's family. Some of the things she wants to know she knows she may never know. She knew Derek was deeply unhappy long before he left New York, but he was completely unreachable then. He had been more open with her when he called before Thanksgiving, more open than she thought he could be. She expects he will be that open again, at times during her visit, or he would not have been so eager for her to come to Seattle.

Eileen wants to understand why he was so unhappy, if his history will repeat itself, if he's learned how to know to avoid what made him so unhappy. She's concerned for Meredith, at such a vulnerable stage in her own life, taking on a project as complicated as Derek. When Paul, Derek's father, died, Eileen had such a job to usher her kids through school and college and career decisions, that she didn't pay enough attention to the relationship and marriage side of their lives. She was taken by surprise when Derek announced his engagement, and very concerned when it became apparent that Derek didn't know what Addie's family was.

She was more careful with her daughters, not giving them advice, but posing questions they should think about. She also saw more of her own parents, and recognized the adult Derek in her father. Her mother and father were a happy couple; Eileen observed them closely for clues, the relationship between her mother and father would be a good model for Derek. She wants to see if Meredith and Derek are anything like her own parents together.

"Tell me about your Christmas holiday, how did you manage festivities in the midst of all that work?"

"We didn't expect it to be so hectic, Christmas usually isn't. We worked overtime on Christmas Eve, and we went to Midnight Mass on the way home. We were both scheduled for 6:00 am to 8:00 pm on Christmas and the day after, but put in overtime both days. We had our presents under the tree after we slept overtime on the 27th.

"Is Meredith Catholic then?"

"I don't think she knows. Her nanny in Boston took her to Mass on Sundays and Holy Days, and taught her whatever she knows. Meredith insisted that we go to Mass if we were going to have presents, and by the way, she adamantly doesn't believe in Santa Claus."

"She doesn't even know if her parents had a religion?"

"No, most of what she knows about her parents she learned chatting with Ellis while Ellis didn't know who she was talking to in the nursing home. Ellis spent very little time at home, Meredith was usually here by herself when she wasn't at school or with friends."

"That's awful. No wonder she thinks she was raised by wolves."

"She has some feral qualities. Things we take for granted because we learned them from family, she just has no experience of. But she knows right from wrong, and she's strong, she can make me do the right thing even when I don't want to."

"That's how your grandmother manages your grandfather. You're very like my father."

"Is that why you named me after him?"

"I couldn't tell much about your personality when you were just born, I'm not that insightful. By the time you were six and playing tricks on your sisters, I knew then you were going to be a handful. If we hadn't lost your Dad you probably would have given us a lot of trouble, especially with Mark egging you on. But you grew up overnight when your Dad died. Do you remember that?"

"Growing up overnight?"

"Yes."

"I do. I didn't want to cause you trouble."

"So it was a conscious decision?"

"Yes. I thought about it."

"Well, thank you. It was a big help."

"I'm making up for it now, causing trouble when you have time to deal with it."

"That's one way to look at it."

"Now, we should get dinner ready, Meredith will be home soon."

Eileen sits with Derek in the kitchen as he roasts a chicken and sweet potatoes and makes a salad. Derek can't drink alcohol while he's on call, but he makes Eileen a classic martini, which is what she likes before dinner and they chat about more trivial things, how to do-over the kitchen and what equipment they need, and that Derek cooks and Meredith washes up. He doesn't see how she'll manage to do the washing up without singing.

They hear the front door open and Meredith calls out "Dr. Shepard, I'm home!" His mother looks surprised and Derek says he'll explain later, it's a joke between them. He answers Meredith, "Dr. Grey, we're in the kitchen!"

Meredith appears with her face flushed from the cold outside and the anxiety inside. Derek meets her at the kitchen doorway and brings her over to Eileen to introduce them. Meredith is clearly eager to please and Eileen is clearly eager to be pleased, so they are off to a good start. Derek offers Meredith a martini, she decides to try it and she likes it. They all chat about her day, and Derek tells Eileen about the little dog in her pocket and the funny pencils. Meredith fetches them from her bag and tells them about Jonah, the boy she was so fond of. He called the dog Dr. Dog and insisted that Dr. Dog was Meredith's boss, not her resident, Dr. Wellstone. Derek asks if she ate and Meredith explains that Callie personally took her to the cafeteria and read her the riot act about eating during the day. Derek wants to know if she really doesn't remember when she ate and Meredith admits that she's pretty sure she ate nothing on Thursday or Friday until she fainted. She'd had a moment in the cafeteria that Lexie interrupted Friday morning, when she might have thought to eat, if Lexie hadn't upset her.

Derek serves the meal in the kitchen since the dining table hasn't arrived yet, though they have the chairs. Eileen and Derek purposefully keep the conversation light, except that Eileen feels she should pass on the apology from Nancy. Meredith is surprised, and laughs, which surprises Derek.

"When was it, Derek, when you said I should let it go, was it on the plane back from New York?"

"Yes, it was after the Tiffany's discussion."

"Eileen, when was it Nancy gave you this message?"

"The day after Christmas."

"So I'd already forgiven her before she apologized. Derek says she's very competitive, so we could have a competition, Nancy and I, over who can be nicer to the other. I'm already ahead by one point!"

Derek finds the idea very funny, and Eileen is also amused, even though she doesn't know what the transgression was.

Derek asks Eileen if she can explain the ineffable quality of Tiffany's to Meredith, so she tries.

"It's most romantic gesture a boy or a man can make to a girl or a woman, the little blue box from Tiffany's means he took extra trouble to give the girl the thing girls value the most, not the gift as much as the romance behind the gift." Meredith shows Eileen the heart pendant Derek gave her "with the little bits of carbon" on it.

"That's much sweeter than what Cristina said."

Derek interjects, "Cristina is Meredith's best friend, and one of the most cynical and competitive people on earth. She and Meredith are a very odd couple. Tell us what Cristina said about Tiffany's"

"She said it's the most overpriced store in Manhattan so it was a demonstration of the size of the guy's wallet."

"That's our Cristina!"

Eileen asks what other friends of Meredith she's likely to meet.

Meredith explains about Izzie, and the clinic, the cleaning and the cleaning classes. Also Adele Webber will dine with them one night soon, to see how the house turned out. If Eileen comes to the hospital she can meet all Meredith's friends and former roommates, Alex and George and Callie and Cristina and her half-sister Lexie. Derek explains that at one time or another everybody Meredith knows lived in this house and that they should really think about changing the lock on the front door.

Eileen says, "I would like to come and see you both work, is that allowed? Do you have galleries over the ORs? I sometimes watched Paul at work. Of course I don't know anything about it, but I'd like to see you on the job."

Derek explains they do have galleries and he can get her in to see some surgery. They also have car shopping to do.

When they've finished eating Meredith refuses Eileen's offer to help with the washing up ("Not on your first night here!") and since they are all tired Eileen goes to her room to unpack and get ready for bed, and Derek helps Meredith with the washing up, generally by getting in her way so he can kiss her. He's very happy that the first day of the visit was so comfortable for Meredith and Eileen, and that the things he wants to get sorted out with his mother, they're starting to talk about already.

Eileen reappears to say she has some gifts for them, but since they are all tired, they should wait until morning. They have something for her too, and agree that breakfast would be a better time. So Eileen settles in her room with a book until she gets sleepy, and Derek and Meredith settle into the bathtub with lots of bubbles.

Eventually, when all through the house not a creature is stirring, not even a mouse, Dr. Dog keeps watch over all.


	16. Uncharted Territory

**Uncharted Territory**

Meredith is the last to wake up the next day. She wanders sleepily into the kitchen in search of coffee to find Derek and Eileen looking at photos of various Shepards, talking and laughing about the four sisters and their husbands, and the 14 nieces and nephews. They both break off to say good morning and there are bagels beside the coffee pot, H&H bagels, from New York. Meredith prepares her bagel and pours her coffee and ambles over to the table and tries to wake up enough to take an interest in the conversation. She's still very tired from the Christmas overtime, and though she can wake up quickly when she has to work, she doesn't bother when she's off.

Meredith eats her bagel and drinks her coffee sleepily, looks at the photos they show her sleepily, and leans against Derek sleepily when she's finished eating. Derek looks at her with a little concern, "If you laid down would you go right to sleep?" Meredith says she would.

"You're still overtired from Christmas, you should go back to bed and sleep. We'll show you these again later. But you should sleep while you can, if you're tired."

Meredith says "OK, night night!" and goes back to bed.

When she wakes the second time, she feels awake, so she does a rerun of her morning. There are still bagels by the coffee pot, but no coffee, so she pops into the den, where Derek and Eileen are unpacking the enormous boxes of books, DVDs, and CDs that just arrived, and asks if anyone wants coffee. Eileen would love a cup of tea if it's not too much trouble and of course it isn't, so Meredith makes a pot of tea and another bagel for herself, and takes it into the den on a tray. Of course, she forgot the cups and the pitcher of milk, but still, she made the pot of tea, that's very domesticated and civilized. She fetches the other things from the kitchen and they all have tea while Meredith eats her second breakfast and Derek and Eileen unpack.

Eileen seems like a normal friendly older adult person, she just doesn't register as a mother with Meredith. She not overly maternal like Susan, or angry like Ellis, or smothering like Cristina's mother, or bossy and judgmental like Burke's Mama. She talks to Derek as if he's a person, not her son. She hasn't talked directly to Meredith much, anything she says is directed at both of them but Meredith doesn't have to respond. Eileen's treating Meredith somewhat like a wild animal who needs to get used to a person before the animal decides to trust her, but without being at all patronizing. Meredith decides this is a good strategy, and she'll go along with it. It saves Meredith from rambling, from divulging too much information, from embarrassing herself.

Meredith didn't know anything about Derek's taste in movies or books until they ordered this massive library. There's not much overlap in their taste in novels, but they're interested in the same science and history. There's not much overlap in their taste in movies either, what he likes is what Meredith typically refers to as "that existentialist, oh, what's the point crap." She hopes that once he settles into a life he enjoys, he'll abandon that interest. Meredith doesn't enjoy movies about family dysfunction, or terrible mothers, or any movie where she doesn't like or care about any of the characters. If a movie doesn't end on a positive note, she doesn't see the point in watching it. She can see tragedy every day at work, she has plenty of personal experience with ennui, she doesn't care to watch or read about it. But she doesn't say any of this out loud, she eats her bagel slowly and drinks her tea and observes from the sidelines as Derek and his Mom talk and unpack and sort out the new stuff.

She's watching a different Derek, a side of him she hasn't seen before, he's not just Derek now, he's Derek Shepard, a member of a group Meredith isn't part of. She's watching a person she knows well in a context that's different and the context makes him different in subtle ways she can't put into words yet. But definitely different. Not bad different, just different.

Somewhere a cell phone rings and they all get up and to check their phones. It's Eileen's phone, Julia calling, so while Eileen talks Derek sits on the big chair that holds 1½ people, and pulls Meredith down with him. "I haven't seen you all day."

"I was under doctor's orders to sleep."

"You look more rested, but you could use another good night's sleep."

"I'm only on call for the day shift, which is almost over."

"I haven't even asked you if you like it yet."

"Yeah, I do. The kid are better patients, more fun. The surgery is general surgery with extra techniques and fine points, I was leaning more toward general surgery than one body part or system anyway. I could see this as my specialty, once I've been through more rotations."

"What are you doing next?"

"ER."

Eileen interrupts, "Derek, Julia wants to talk to you." As Derek tries to free an arm and hand and an ear from the tangle of limbs on the chair, Eileen waits to hand Derek the phone. She says to Julia, "Wait a second, he's doing a Mr. Potato Head kind of exercise, getting himself in order."

His side of the conversation is:

"There's two sets of body parts in this chair, I had to sort out which were mine."

"Probably everything you say is audible, no, Meredith is shaking her head, so if you have any secrets, you can tell me now.

"Sorry, I don't have any secrets either."

"Yes, there are plenty of those. But for every question unanswered there's a question unasked."

"She's fine, she's still tired and hasn't caught up on eating yet, but we have a good dinner planned. She'll be fine tomorrow."

"I'm on call until after the holiday, I'll probably have to go in at some point. Last year we had every neurosurgeon operating on New Year's Day."

"Lucky you. We had to work Thanksgiving and Christmas just so we could be on call for New Year's."

"We'll get all dressed up and go out when nobody's on call, so we can enjoy cocktails and wine. Meredith had her first martini last night, we have to introduce her to all the New York cocktails."

"The Manhattan. Obviously."

"We would love it for all of you to come out in the spring. We could camp there, or sleep here and spend the days or the good weather days on the land, whatever you want. There are direct flights and I can get at least two tickets with frequent flyer miles, maybe more."

"Don't be silly, I mostly use them to upgrade to business class, it's not that important."

"I have vacation, but Meredith would probably have to work some days. Just give us as much advance notice as you can."

"You call Mom Eileen now?"

"Chicken. OK, goodbye." He hands the phone back to Eileen and says "Julia wants to talk to Eileen again, Mom."

While Eileen finishes her conversation with Julia, Derek asks Meredith, "Do you think seven people could sleep in the trailer, if three of them are under 10?"

"I think the maximum would be five, with three under 10. Two adults would have to rough it outside."

"Julia and Martin take their kids camping for vacations, so they're used to roughing it."

Eileen finishes the call and announces "Roo finally figured out why she is called Roo."

While she's in the middle of this mysterious declaration, Derek's cell phone rings and his pager goes off, a 911. The call is brief, a series of OKs from Derek, then "I got it."

Derek says, "There's a squad car on the way to pick me up, Mom can you watch for the car, and Meredith can you help me get my stuff together?"

He rushes upstairs and Meredith follows. He sits her on the bed, pulls her into his arms. "I thought we'd have more time, the three of us, but we don't, so now I need you to be strong, the way you got me to be strong when you told me we had to take down the dam and said to "get on with it' and "let it go' and I had to forgive Addie and urged me to call my mother. You're stronger than I am. You got me to do the right things, you walked me through the process. You're stronger than I am, you realize that, right?"

She's looking down, at the floor, Derek says "Meredith, look at me." She does look at him and he can see the panic in her eyes and he repeats, "You're stronger than I am, you realize that, right?"

Meredith takes a deep breath and nods. She still looks panicky, but she nods. Derek continues "Mom will take care of everything. Follow her lead. She won't ask you anything you won't want to answer. You don't have to talk about any aspect of your past you don't want to. She knows you didn't have a mother/daughter relationship. You have nothing to be ashamed of or to apologize for. If you talk about me, that's OK. It's the number one thing on her mind, that's natural. She may tell you things. That's OK."

Eileen calls up the stairs "There's a flashing red light coming."

Derek gets up to go, takes Meredith by the hand. "Just tell her it's uncharted territory for you, you leave it to her to navigate. You can do it, you're strong. I have to know you'll be alright to get through this surgery, can you tell me you'll be OK and mean it?"

Meredith stands up straight and nods decisively. "I can do it Derek. You go do what you gotta do, Eileen and I will be fine."

They rush downstairs and kiss quickly, Derek says "Bye, Mom" and he's gone.

Meredith and Eileen look at each other. Eileen says, "Wow. Has that ever happened before?"

"No, usually he drives himself. There are sometimes emergencies, but the hospital is only 15 minutes away, normal driving."

Eileen looks at Meredith with a twinkle. "Did he give you a pep talk?"

Meredith is a little bit embarrassed but she explains, "He said to tell you this is uncharted territory for me, and let you navigate, follow your lead. And it's OK to talk about him."

"You don't know any nice mothers at all?"

"Well, I've always avoided mothers, really strenuously avoided them, so that cuts down on the sample size, I guess it's not surprising that the ones that got through led to bad experiences. I don't really believe you could be bad, because Derek really likes you, but I'm still nervous or afraid or whatever."

"Derek didn't tell me a lot about your mother, but it sounded like you were a better mother to her than she was to you. But it's not really comfortable standing here talking, let's sit down somewhere. Are you hungry yet? My stomach clock is still a little jet-lagged."

"My stomach doesn't have a clock, that's the trouble with my stomach."

"That's right, it doesn't. Well, it's dinner time according to my watch, so let's go to the kitchen. I can finish making the dinner, and we can have cocktails like last night, if you want to."

"Cocktails last night were good."

OK, then, we have a plan."

Eileen gets busy around the stove and suggests that Meredith look at the cabinet where they keep the "bar" because Derek seemed to be using a recipe last night when he made her martini. Meredith recognizes the recipe as a drink Joe serves, it's called a Vesper martini and has something to do with James Bond. Joe must have made Derek a specially marked cup, so she only has to pour in the ingredients to match the lines drawn on the cup, add ice, put the lid on and shake. Derek had taken a cheese he bought specially for the martinis out of the refrigerator earlier, so they have cheese and crackers while they drink their cocktails.

Meredith asks Eileen if she would like to meet Joe. "Joe is alive and kicking and serving drinks at his bar by the hospital because Derek did brain surgery on Joe. It was one of those operations only a few neurosurgeons in the country could have done, and there was Derek, right across the street. Actually, if Joe found out you were here in Seattle, he'd be upset if we didn't bring you in for show and tell."

"Then we must go and see Joe and hear what he has to tell."

"I should warn you, it's kind of a dive, Joe's bar, but Joe is a great guy and practically part of the hospital."

Eileen has an idea. "Usually women are nervous about their boyfriend's mother because the mother asks nosy questions. Why don't you ask questions instead of me?"

"About Derek?"

"About Derek or me or his sisters or his Dad, whatever you want to know."

"First thing I want to know is, who is Roo?"

Eileen shuffles through the stack of photos and finds a picture of Roo. "Roo is Julia and Martin's youngest child. Her brother and sister called her Roo when she was a baby, because the slings Julia and Martin carried her in looked like kangaroo pouches. Ben and Tina were going through a Winnie-the-Pooh phase. Do you know the Winnie-the-Pooh stories, the characters Kanga and Roo?"

"My nanny in Boston read them to me, but I don't have the books myself, I don't remember them very well. She looks like she's jumping like a kangaroo in this picture."

"She is, she's been going through an animal phase, where she acts like various animals. She was doing her kangaroo today and stopped in the middle of a bounce to ask if she was a Roo like Kanga and Roo."

"That's very clever of her. Is she the niece who called Derek Unkadek?"

"That's very clever of you. She does call Derek Unkadek, and Ben and Tina do too, they picked it up from her. She hasn't seen him for 18 months and she's still asking for him. Derek and Roo were crazy about each other. He had stopped wanting to be around the family, but if Roo was going to be there, he would come and he would mostly talk to her. Otherwise Addie would come alone."

"He felt like a marital failure, is how he put it. He couldn't keep up an act."

"He doesn't know how to deal with failure."

"How do you get through life and never fail at anything? He's in a very risky business, neurosurgery, there's bound to be failures. Although, I have observed that he doesn't handle losing a patient as easily as most surgeons."

"Before Paul died, Derek was, I don't know quite how to put it, somewhat wild but he wasn't bad yet, he teased his sisters and played pranks on them, and he was one of those boys at school that the teachers love and hate because the boys are funny and charming, but they're also a lot of trouble. I was afraid he'd be real trouble as he got older, especially with Mark egging him on. But when Paul died, Derek grew up overnight. I didn't know if he'd decided to or if it just happened until I asked him yesterday; he said he thought about it and decided he didn't want to be a problem for me. He stopped causing trouble, and he didn't allow himself to be unsuccessful. And he did take risks, as you point out, he wasn't cautious. When his marriage began to fail he didn't know how to cope with the fact that he'd failed at something, and he's very proud, as you've probably noticed, so he couldn't bring himself to ask for advice."

"When Derek told me you said that, that he doesn't know how to deal with failure, then a lot of things fell into place. The whole chain of events made sense, I mean, the things that he did."

"I'm glad he told you. I'm glad it was helpful."

"I'm glad you told him, I don't think he knew it before you said it, and I don't think he really understood it at first." Meredith laughs, "I remember telling him he probably didn't get any practice when he was a kid, dealing with failure, because he was probably perfect, plus everybody liked him, and he looks like that. It seemed to hit a nerve. But not in a bad way."

"That's pretty much the explanation. That he kept up that record of success in college and medical school and work is quite amazing, but learning to deal with failure earlier would have lead to less heartbreak. However, it is what it is. You two seem very happy together. It's been years since I've seen him look happy, not happy about something, but just happy all the time."

The oven timer dings and Eileen suggests Meredith leave Derek a voicemail that they are fine together, so he won't worry, while Eileen sets the table. Meredith goes upstairs to send a text message from the computer so his phone won't ring, and when she returns there's a little gift box next to her plate, which makes her laugh.

"Did Derek tell you I don't believe in Santa Claus?"

"Yes, he did."

"I think what I was trying to get across was that I'm not comfortable being given so much, but I think I failed abysmally. I'm used to dealing with failure, though, so _that's_ not a problem."

"This was Nancy's idea. I don't know what she did, but she feels terrible about it, and she wanted you to have something from the girls, to welcome you into the Shepard clan."

"And from Tiffany's, no less!"

"So it has that ineffable quality."

"Are all the Shepards into Tiffany's?"

"It started with Paul, he was so proud to be able to give me a gift from Tiffany's, the children must have picked up on that. Neither Paul nor I had two nickels to rub together when we got to New York, and the ineffable romance aspect of it meant a lot to him. Whenever I could give the girls something they'd save the blue boxes forever."

"That's adorable. And this food smells fantastic, why aren't we eating it?"

"It needs to rest a few minutes, long enough for you to open your box and let the genie out."

The genie is a little pearl bracelet with a pretty silver clasp, which Eileen helps her put on, and Meredith observes that it makes her pajamas look so much better. She'll write to each of the girls, and that reminds her she must write to Molly's mother and send her a picture of herself with Derek.

As they eat they chat about many things, while Meredith's brain works in the background and she slowly lets down her guard. She had expected Derek's mother to appraise his girlfriend, see if she was good enough for Derek, to compare her to Addison and the Shepard girls. She had expected Derek's mother to ask awkward questions about her life as a slutty intern, but apparently Eileen has never heard the slutty intern remarks. When they talked about Derek, each of them, Eileen and Meredith, talked from their own observations of Derek, without exchanging privileged information. Eileen didn't ask Meredith to explain anything awkward like how they met, or how they behaved at work, or what lead to the end of Derek's marriage with Addison and how she, Meredith, was responsible. Meredith decides to put Eileen in some other category than "Mother." She's just a normal nice person, like Adele Webber, who's older but not an authority figure, not a judge.

While they do the washing up Eileen asks Meredith about her singing. Meredith laughs and asks what Derek told her. "Just that you sing along with your iPod, that you sound good, trained, and that he doesn't think you'll be able to do the washing up without singing."

"That last part is true, I probably can't do housework without some form of entertainment."

"Did you study voice at some point?"

"I did but in a weird way. One of my roommates at Dartmouth wanted to audition for a choral group, she was nervous, so I went along for moral support. Only I wasn't allowed in the room unless I auditioned, so I auditioned. I wasn't self-conscious, I didn't expect to be accepted. Only I was. Fortunately Anna was too. We sang with a choir all four years."

"An accidental singer. You didn't know you could sing?"

"Hadn't a clue. The guy that played piano for the first choir needed to teach somebody for a class he was taking on how to teach singing. Anna wanted to do it, the time didn't work out for her, but it did for me. So he taught me, then I taught Anna."

"See one, do on, teach one."

"Exactly! She had a friend who organized a small group, like 6 people, to sing madrigals, those songs from 500 years ago with the complicated harmonies. We were the sopranos for that group. We sang for, like, department holiday parties, or birthday parties, anything really. Once for a class in medieval history. Not for money, just for fun."

"Did you sing at Harvard?"

"First year I managed to fit choir in, then I had to give it up. I haven't sung for four years. Derek gave me the iPod for my birthday and all of a sudden I was singing again, when I _thought_ I was alone."

"He thinks you won't sing again now that you know he's listening."

"I never sang by myself, only in groups. And I'm just getting my voice back, so yeah, I would feel self-conscious about it. Do you know much about music?"

"Only from an art history point of view, nothing about technique or performance. I love madrigals and so does my daughter Claire. She's also an art historian, and we've worked in the same era, the time when madrigals were the pop music."

"I have a CD of us, the group, if you want to listen to it. We weren't bad for a bunch of total amateurs."

"Of course I'd love to hear it."

"Are you still a working art historian?"

"I'm what they call a docent at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I take groups around and explain the medieval art, the symbolism and allegory and about restoration of the textiles, that sort of thing. It's volunteer, I just do it for fun."

"I'd like to ask you about the work you did before you had kids, but I'm afraid I wouldn't know what to ask."

"It's easier to show than to tell, so when you come to New York again, we'll go to the Met or The Cloisters, and I'll show and tell."

"That would be fun."

Meredith continues to be amazed at how easily she's slipping into the clan. She hasn't been asked about her past or her pedigree or her credentials. Eileen's already expecting her in New York. Nancy's trying to make amends for her nasty behavior in Seattle. Eileen doesn't even know about it, Nancy wasn't representing the family. Julia and Martin and Roo are coming to Seattle in the spring. Meredith is going to be in a family. A family? A family! A real family of people who are related to each other and actually like each other.

Meredith is alone with a mother, and she's OK. They're settled into the front room with new books, but Meredith is thinking rather then reading.

When his father died, Derek's concept of failure became weighted with more than the ordinary feelings of regret, guilt, embarrassment, shame. Any failure of his meant he would bring more trouble on his already overburdened mother. As he got older, the extra weight on his concept of failure probably changed, probably wasn't centered so much on his mother but it's still there, otherwise he wouldn't be so intimidated by the idea of failing.

"Eileen?"

"Yes, dear?"

"If you think I should ask Derek this, you can tell me, but it just occurred to me, about Derek not being about to deal with failure, what exactly happened in Sheep Meadow, when his father was stung by the bees?"

"I don't see any reason why I can't tell you about that. What happened was Julia and Paul and Derek were playing frisbee with a dog who belonged to someone else. Paul ran into these bees, and got stung, and the allergic reaction was immediate. Paul grew up on a farm, you know, so bee stings weren't uncommon, they never caused a problem before. The children didn't notice right away, then Julia threw the frisbee to Paul, and they saw him falling. Derek tried mouth-to-mouth respiration while Julia tried to find a policeman or doctor or anyone who could help. When she came back with a policeman, Paul was dead. His throat was so swollen inside that Derek couldn't get any air through to his lungs."

Meredith says softly, "That would feel like a monumental failure to a 10-year old boy. Failure would turn into a life-or-death thing."

Eileen says slowly, "I always assumed that he understood it was not his fault. But it would explain why he would decide than and there that he would never fail me again. And why he couldn't face me when his marriage started to fail."

"He couldn't forgive himself for not telling me he was married. I had to push him. There were other things I had to push him to forgive, forgive himself, knowing I'd already forgiven. He's probably never forgiven himself for his father's death. He's probably still carrying that around."

"I'm glad you thought of that, Meredith. That's something I'll have to take care of while I'm out here. And if I need help, well, you know how to push him. You'll be on call for that?"

"I'll be on call for that."


	17. Storm on the Horizon

**Storm on the Horizon**

For once the winter flies by. January and February, with the gloomy weather, gray skies and short days are everybody's least favorite time of year, but this year so much happens that Meredith hardly notices the gloom.

Eileen is with them through most of January. There's Derek's land to show her, their grand night out when they all drink Manhattans and toast to New York, Meredith's new car, and various other outings in which Derek and Meredith get to know the city they live in by showing it off to their guest.

When Eileen goes back to New York there's a subtle shift in the relationship between Meredith and Derek. Meredith had been the leader, the instigator, the force behind the discussions they needed to have to bring down the dam that prevented their history from being water under the bridge. Now they both know that Meredith can be the driver when she wants to or needs to, and that confidence is good for both of them. But it's not the natural order of things for Meredith to be in charge in any relationship unless her intervention is needed. When Derek has mastered the art of handling failure in his personal life, the natural order of things reverts to Derek in charge. It's a very subtle shift, and neither of them notices it.

February is a fun for Meredith, because she really likes Valentine's Day. The romantic aspect of Valentine's Day doesn't mean anything to her; her way of celebrating February 14th is a remnant from her two years with Molly. Molly and Meredith baked heart-shaped cookies decorated with red sugar, wrapped in red cellophane and tied with red ribbon. They gave the cookies to all Meredith's school friends, her teacher, the mailman and other people they saw every day at places like the grocery store, the playground and the church. When Meredith first moved back to Seattle, when she was alone in the empty house she didn't ask her mother for anything until Valentine's Day. Then she pestered her mother to take her to a store so she could buy something heart-shaped, ribbon and Saran wrap so she could make the little gifts for her friends, their mothers who gave her rides to ballet or the pool or the skating rink and home again, her teachers. She kept up the tradition every year until her first year at Seattle Grace.

This year Valentine's Day is big for Meredith because she's going to bake the cookies herself, with Izzie's help. She leaves a basket of cookies for each of the nurses at their station and sneaks cookies into the other residents' lockers. Derek sneaks cookies into Dr. Bailey's and Dr. Wellstone's lockers in the senior resident's room. Since all the cookies are delivered by stealth no one knows who's responsible, so it's the topic of the day. Meredith is not a prime suspect because it's well known that she's helpless in a kitchen. But Izzie can't keep a secret. Bailey asks Izzie if she made the cookies, Izzie tells the truth, and Bailey doesn't know it's supposed to be a secret, so she tells one of the nurses and then everybody knows.

Meredith can't give all her patients cookies, so she has a goofy pencil for each of the kids on the pediatric surgical floor. She hasn't written to the Shepard sisters about the bracelet yet, so she uses Valentine's Day to send her thanks with heart-shaped cards decorated with violets and red and white roses. She sends Eileen a box of cookies. Joe knows a guy who is knowledgeable about wine, who suggests and procures two bottles of really good red wine for Meredith. Joe gets a stack of cookies.

Meredith combines the bottles of wine with a bottle of bubble bath (lavender scented) into something shaped vaguely like a heart when wrapped in red paper for Derek.

Derek is surprised by Meredith's enthusiasm for Valentine's Day until she tells him about Molly and how they celebrated their two Valentine's Days together. Derek knows that Meredith met Molly's mother on her trip to Europe, and that she writes to Molly's mother, and finally asks why she isn't in touch with Molly as well. Meredith hadn't known herself what became of Molly until she sought out Molly's mother in the little town in Cork where Molly grew up. Molly had been in Boston to be treated for cancer, and during the several years of remission the treatment gave her, she worked as a nanny. Soon after Meredith returned to Seattle at the age of seven the cancer returned and this time the treatment failed.

After learning this about Molly, Derek cannot turn this Valentine's Day into a sexy holiday. He gives Meredith a beautiful red dress and takes her to a fabulous restaurant.

But there's a storm looming on their horizon and neither of them knows it.

Derek is divorced. He doesn't like the state of being divorced. It's like a scratchy sweater or a collar that's too tight. He just doesn't feel good about being divorced. He wants to be married. His sister Nancy thought she had an insight into Derek's state of mind when she said he'd never been alone, but Derek disagrees. He considers the last half of his marriage in New York as time spent completely alone. He knows what it's like to be alone. He managed being alone. Being with the wrong partner is worse than being alone. His time with Addison in Seattle proved that. But Meredith is the right partner. He wants to make it official.

Meredith is happy with the way things are. She's settled into her own home. She's having the first good relationship of her life. It has survived many crises, they have resolved many conflicts; it has been a lot of work. Almost nothing but work, work worth doing, but nevertheless, work. Now things are humming smoothly, they've been humming smoothly for approximately two months. Meredith wants to take a break from thinking about the relationship. She wants just to be in it, enjoy it, watch it grow, revel in the pleasure of it.

Derek is waiting for the right moment. Meredith doesn't have a clue.

Only a few weeks later they're in the bath with Derek's own bubbles from Valentine's Day. Impulsively, Derek brings it up: the topic that is foremost on his mind.

"When can we start talking about happily ever after?"

"Forever and _ever_?"

"Right"

"You've watched that movie one too many times."

"You sing the songs."

"I want a chipmunk for my best friend. I hardly ever see Cristina anymore. And I'd really like the squirrels to do the washing up."

"I wouldn't."

"They could do the dusting with their tails."

"I should expect this from a woman who had a toilet brush on her mantle."

"I had a toilet brush on the mantle?"

"You did."

"When?"

"The night we met."

"I can't explain that."

"Anyway, about happily ever after?"

"Derek, we haven't even had our first fight yet, how can we go for happily ever after until . . . I mean, there are milestones we have to pass, right? I have to meet your family. I read somewhere there are like ten things a couple should discuss before they marry."

"Like what?"

"Well, the reason I remember it is I thought one of the questions was funny. It was whether there would be a TV in the bedroom."

"No."

"Agreed."

"That's one down."

"But the others were more serious, about money and kids and religion. I can't remember it all but I could find the article again. But what's the hurry? We're together, we're happy. Couldn't we just be together and happy for a while?"

"I want to be together and happy forever."

"I do too, but we've known each other less than two years and most of that time we've been broken up, breaking up, or otherwise apart. And we haven't even had our first fight yet."

"What about when you fainted?"

"That wasn't a fight, that was just you mad at me."

"What's a fight then?"

"We have to disagree over something, something that we have to agree about or compromise over. And usually both people are mad."

"You weren't mad at me for being mad at you?"

"Well, I wished you weren't mad, but I understood it. I was MIA for a couple of hours, you were worried, and it all boiled down to I forgot to eat. Which for a doctor is just plain idiotic."

"That's agreement."

"Derek, we didn't even discuss it. I just know you well enough to know what you were thinking."

"Are you still . . . don't you trust me?"

"I'm in the bathtub discussing it. How much more trusting can I be?"

"More trusting would be being married in the bathtub discussing something else."

"What would it change, being married? We'd still have to have our first fight and talk about kids and money only there'd be more pressure."

"Do you want kids?"

"I worry about being a good mother."

"Do you think I'd be a good dad?"

"Yes, but that wouldn't make me a good mother."

"I want things to be settled."

"I just don't think things can _be_ any more settled than this."

"Because you still think I'll walk away at some point?"

"No."

"Then why?"

"Derek, you're ruining the bath.

"One of us is."

There's a long silence. Derek's arms rest on the rim of the tub. Meredith thinks about moving to the opposite side of the tub, but she doesn't want their first fight to be in the tub.

"Please don't be angry, Derek. I don't want our first fight to start in the tub."

He wraps her up in his arms, kissing her neck and shoulders and what he can reach of her face. The bath becomes foreplay for the sex they have after, but he's rougher with her than he usually is, and she can feel the storm clouds gathering. Apparently this is going to be the topic of their first fight.

Meredith doesn't want the issue to linger, she doesn't want Derek's feelings simmering in the back of his mind, ready to boil over when she says the wrong thing. She hasn't a clue what the right thing to say is, but she's pretty sure it will be easy for her to say the wrong thing.

She brings it up again while they're eating dinner.

"Could happily ever after be that we set a date that we'll make a decision then, or decide to wait a few more months before we decide?"

"And they all decided to decide whether to live happily ever after in a couple of months, or a couple of months after that."

"We're not a fairy tale, Derek."

"No kidding."

"Why are you thinking of it as now or never?"

"What's going to change? What's going to happen that will make you decide yes?"

"Nothing's going to change. I'm just going to feel ready. I don't feel ready now."

"If nothing's going to change why can't you be ready now?"

"Well, time is going to go by. Instead of four months it will be ten months. More experience."

These arguments are hard to argue against. But Derek wants to be married to Meredith, not divorced from Addison and living with Meredith. He can't say that, maybe he doesn't even realize that's what's bothering him.

"What if it is now or never?"

"I'm not ready, Derek. I don't want you to leave me at the alter because I only _think_ I want it, I don't _know_ I want it."

"What if you never decide? You could leave me in limbo forever, waiting for my real life to begin."

"I promise not to leave you in limbo. Just like I'll promise to be faithful in sickness and in health and all that."

"You promising to be faithful doesn't inspire much confidence."

They're both frozen in horror at what Derek just said. Meredith recovers first.

"That's what will change. I'll know just how mean you will be when you get mad."

She leaves the table, picks up her coat and bag, takes her phone out of the bag and drops it on the floor, and leaves the house. She gets in her car and drives, with no idea where to go. Not a bar. Not Joe's. Not the café. Not the hospital. Not Cristina's.

The storm she didn't see coming broke right over her head. She can't get out from under it.


	18. Wait Until Then

**Wait Until Then**

There's no place Meredith wants to go. But as long as she has enough gas she can turn right or left or go straight, or even back up, and as long as she has to make these decisions she won't have to make any other. But the car doesn't have much gas to begin with and she has to be at the hospital at 6:00. There must be 24-hour gas stations in Seattle but she doesn't know where they are. Eventually she has to decide to go on to the hospital or go home, it's only midnight, and she doesn't want to be at the hospital more than she doesn't want to be at home, so she goes home. At least she's had time to absorb the shock.

Derek's car is still there, so he hasn't retreated to the trailer, which is what she was half expecting. She unlocks the front door and goes in, hangs up her coat and bag and is two steps up the stairs when he appears. "Please, Meredith, please. Come and talk to me."

"I don't have anything to say."

"I know, but I do."

"Oh, wait, I do have one thing to say. I'd rather have _been_ a slut during college and for a few weeks after my boyfriend went back to his wife (who I didn't know about) than be a man your age and say something so cruel to the woman he supposedly loves. Who was never unfaithful to him. Who never cheated on anyone, except his wife. I have that to say."

"I understand. I know you were never unfaithful to me. I know you were never unfaithful to anyone, unless you count Addie, and I know that only you would be scrupulous enough to count Addie."

They look at each other for what seems like a long time, but is actually only a few seconds before Meredith turns back to the stairs. Derek follows, saying "Please, Meredith. Please." She turns back again.

"Why would I? Why should I?"

"Because you explained that "quality of mercy is not strain'd" speech to me when we watched that movie, so I know you won't refuse if I ask you to be kind and have mercy."

She sits down on the step.

"What. What do you have to say?"

"Come to the kitchen. It's more comfortable. I made coffee."

She follows him to the kitchen, unwilling, but unable to say no. Because the point of that speech is that nobody gets through life on justice alone, if you count on receiving kindness and mercy from people, you have to give it when you're asked. There's a whole bunch of crap about kings and crowns in the speech but the heart of it is "We do pray for mercy and that same prayer doth teach us to render the deeds of mercy," where pray means ask, and is not confined by religion. Meredith doesn't know how many of her one-night stands were hurt by the way she used them, she'd undoubtedly need the mercy of some of those guys herself to get through that list, so she can't refuse Derek if he asks. And she wasn't going to be able to sleep anyway. But she's surprised that he remembered that speech, he'd asked for the explanation, but she hadn't thought he was really paying attention.

He pours her coffee, brings it to her and sits across from her. She looks at him without expression.

"I'm sorry. Again."

"OK"

"I won't hassle you about marriage again. You tell me when or if you want it. I was being greedy and spoiled."

"You were."

"It's because I don't like being divorced. It makes me feel like a failure."

"Your marriage was a failure. Deal with it."

"Is that what they call tough love?"

"It's tough anyway."

There's nobody else Derek can talk with the way he and Meredith talk. Women are usually intimidated by his looks, and ready to overlook his flaws because of them. Meredith genuinely doesn't care. It's not even icing on the cake to her, that he looks "like that" as she calls it. There are very few men of his stature in his field, so most men are unable to treat him like an equal. When he and Mark were students and later when they were starting out in their professions they were certainly equals. They aren't equals anymore, no one can compare the importance and risks of neurosurgery with those of plastic surgery, and Mark has taken one road in his personal life and Derek has taken a different one. They don't have enough in common to make conversation worthwhile. And that's without the cheating and lying. Jacques is the only neurosurgeon in the team Derek can be natural with, but they don't talk personally, they talk professionally. Addie and he never talked like this. She was too artificial, too concerned with the façade to care about what was behind it.

"You're the only person I can talk to this way."

"What way?"

"I don't know how to describe it."

"Use adjectives."

"Like that. Nobody else would say "use adjectives" or "deal with it" to me. Nobody else bosses me around. Nobody else could tell me to get on with it and apologize for the awful things I did to you. Nobody else could get me to _admit_ to the awful things I did to you. Not even my mother."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because you think I just want to get married, be married, to anyone and it's not true. I do want to be married, but I only want to be married to you. The woman you call my OR nurse, whose name is Rose, by the way, I spent one evening in Joe's with her and it was enough to convince me that there is only one woman I want to marry and she is you."

"How am I supposed to believe that?"

"Legally and financially there is something I can do that might convince you. I could make you co-owner of everything I have."

"Derek, I don't care about money."

"You love the 40 acres."

"I don't want to take them from you."

"It would be a symbolic thing, like me taking the brownstone from Addie. Only you could have persuaded me to do that. If you let me make you co-owner of my land, you would be telling me you understand I only want to marry you. A concrete gesture, difficult to undo. Not even easy to do, my lawyer will fight like hell to try to talk me out of it."

She can't protest or pretend she doesn't understand. What he wants her to do is what Addison wanted him to do. Addison wanted him to forgive her, and she knew she would never know that he had forgiven her unless he accepted the brownstone. Meredith had persuaded him to do both, forgive her and take the brownstone. Derek wants her to do what she persuaded him to do.

Derek interrupts her thoughts. "By the way, the money for the brownstone was wired to me yesterday. Do you want to write a check, hang it on the refrigerator, spill some orange juice on it, step on it a couple of times, fry it in pancake batter, a la Izzie, before we give it to the clinic?"

"What 'we?' You got a mouse in your pocket?"

"You and me, we."

"It's not my money."

"It's just as much yours as it is mine."

"No way."

"No other way."

Now she's boxed into two corners. She can't logically argue her way out of either. He's asking her to be generous and kind and merciful to him, because she asked him to be generous and kind and merciful to Addison. The quality of mercy is not strain'd. (The Merchant of Venice, Act IV, Scene I)

Meredith stares at the table, her coffee cup, for a good long while. She looks up at last. "I understand. All of it. But I have to be at the hospital at 6:00."

"OK. We'll talk about it later."

"But not just the land and the clinic money. Are you going to call me a slut every time I don't give you exactly what you want? What if we have kids? Are you going to be mean to them when you're mad at them? You and Addison were always arguing, I thought we would be different. You want to be married so you won't be divorced anymore. I don't want to marry until I know I won't be divorced. Concrete gestures are good, but I need answers too. I thought if we lived together for a while I would see the answers in the way we live together, but that's not happening."

"We'll talk about everything."

"I have to be at the hospital at 6:00. I have to go to bed."

Thinking about Doc doesn't make Meredith cry anymore. It happened just like Derek said it would happen. She likes to remember him when she wants to relax and go to sleep, Doc running to greet her when she showed up for his walk on Derek's land, or sleeping in her room, sometimes even on her bed. He was such a comfort. Thinking of Doc usually sends her to sleep easily, and when the alarm goes off she's not in a bad mood.

In the morning she leaves the room without waking Derek and makes peanut butter toast to eat on the drive to the hospital. It's a busy day, she scrubs in on two surgeries, and monitors both patients post-op. Meredith turns her patients over to a resident she trusts, which is nice, sometimes she's not comfortable with the resident on the next shift. She forgot to check Derek's schedule that morning; they each keep their schedules posted on the refrigerator. When she gets home the house is dark and empty. He's on call overnight tonight, so he must have had to go in for a surgery. She doesn't have a shift tomorrow, so she'll be able catch up on sleep.

She turns on some lights and music, rummages through the refrigerator, and does something unexpected. She decides to be a grown-up and calls Lexie. Lexie is as surprised as Meredith is, but agrees to come over for potluck supper and to finally have that talk in an environment where they don't have to be Dr. Grey and Dr. Grey. Lexie's not on, or on call, tomorrow so they can open a bottle of wine and feel a little less stiff.

They talk about Lexie's sister Molly, the baby and her husband at first, because that's a safe subject, then Meredith's rotation in Pediatric surgery, and Lexie's experience so far at Seattle Grace. Everybody knows she's _not_ Ellis Grey's daughter, and that's often humiliating. Meredith would like to say that _being_ Ellis Grey's daughter was also humiliating, but it seems whiny and she's decided not to be whiny tonight. Instead, Meredith asks if Lexie could go back to Harvard and the Boston hospitals; she can, but she has to decide by July 1st.

They've warmed up various leftovers, so they fill up plates and bowls, and Meredith says "Ask me whatever you want. I don't have any special wisdom, you know, maybe not the right experience to help, but I'll answer whatever, if I can."

Lexie's first question is "How did you decide whether or not to take care of you mother? Was there any one else? Could you have done it long-distance?"

"Well, there wasn't anyone else. Ellis was an only child. She didn't have any friends or relatives, other than me. I probably could have done it long-distance, because she hardly ever recognized me when I visited but there was the house here which made some things easier, and logistically overall being in Seattle was easier if she was going to be here, and we all agreed, her doctors and me, she should be here, she might have better quality of life here."

"Did you feel like you had a choice?"

"No, I guess I didn't feel like I did. She didn't have a choice, you know, with Alzheimer's so I didn't feel like I had a choice."

"She had money for the treatments, for the nursing homes?"

"Yes, she did. I didn't realize how much until she died, but she did have money."

"What was it like, visiting her when she didn't recognize you?"

"More than anything else it was embarrassing. She would tell me the kinds of things you really don't want to know about your mother."

"My father refuses to join AA."

"Have you talked to anyone at those groups for people who are trying to care for an alcoholic? Al-Anon, or whatever they're called? Or a therapist at the hospital? I think we have a certain number of therapist hours per year allotted to us. I think it's well-covered ground, the things you should think about or try to decide."

"It's embarrassing telling a stranger things about your parents."

"It is at first, but you get used to it fast. They won't know him, your Dad. And you and Molly should go together, take the baby when you have to. It's impossible to try to rerun the consultation, especially if the advice seems hard-hearted or your description of your Dad seems harsh to your sister. You might end up being the bad guy."

"That's good advice."

"With Alzheimer's it's work, but pretty straightforward. With an alcoholic you have to decide every time whether to stand firm or give in. It wears you out. You need help too."

"That sounds like good advice too."

"At some point someone will remind you that alcoholics do have a choice, whether to seek treatment, that only they have that choice, you can't make it for them, or force it on them, and you're not responsible. It might be hard to agree on that."

"We're both pretty soft-hearted."

"So you have to discuss it. She's got a husband and a baby and you've got an education to finish. You have responsibilities of your own. You have to weigh them against responsibilities to Thatcher. You might not agree with each other."

"I'd hate to fight with her."

"She's used to thinking you're the smart one. That's what she said in the hospital, before we knew who each other were. But there's all kinds of ways of being smart. For example, me, you might look at me and think Ellis Grey's perfect smart medical daughter, but I spent most weekends in college drunk or passed out. You're probably a good combination, you and Molly, you two probably cover most of the smart spectrum."

Meredith's cell phone rings, it's Derek calling from the hospital. He'll be home in about an hour, he seems a little surprised she's home, and very surprised Lexie's there too.

Meanwhile Lexie is surprised by what Meredith just told her. "But you graduated 14th at Harvard Medical School!"

"Have you told anybody that?"

"No. Well, Molly."

"I don't tell people. I don't know why, I just don't. I don't mind Molly knowing, or you, but I'd be glad if you don't tell anyone else. Or my college drinking habits, obviously."

"OK, I won't."

"If you want to we can talk about _my_ drinking some other time, people do come out of it spontaneously, Thatcher might too. You never know."

They've finished eating so Lexie offers to help Meredith with the dishes. Meredith tells Lexie that the washing up is her one domestic skill, but thanks for offering.

"Then who made all the food?"

"Derek does the cooking. His mom showed me how to make a vegetable lasagna. I have to try it out soon, before I forget how."

"Is Derek Dr. Shepard?

"Yeah, he is."

"And you're engaged? You called his mom your mother-in-law at Christmas."

"We're not engaged yet, sort of working on it. Would you and Molly and her baby want to come over for dinner and risk the lasagna? I could make sure there would be a plan B in case the lasagna didn't turn out."

"That would be great. Molly doesn't get out much, she'd love it."

"We could trade schedules until we have a match like tonight. Do you care if Derek is here?"

"You mean because I tried to chat him up at Joe's?"

Lexie is clearly very trusting, she seems ready and able to overlook Meredith's earlier petulance and surliness without requiring an explanation or apology.

"I was thinking of because he's an attending."

"Molly wouldn't know or care. I would be OK."

"It will be easier to find a time, then."

They each agree to put a copy of their schedules in the other's mailboxes at work and Meredith walks Lexie to the porch and calls out "Goodnight, Dr. Grey!" Lexie laughs and responds in kind.

She's almost finished washing up when Derek walks in, though she saved him a plate of odds and ends. She's still upset with him, hurt and angry, so her greeting is half-hearted at best. She's tired, she already did something hard tonight, reaching out to Lexie and then to Lexie and Molly, telling Lexie about her own drinking, something very few people know. She's lived on her own so long, having roommates was different, she could ignore them, having half-family that pops in and out when you agree ahead of time isn't so threatening, but she's back in the cycle with Derek where the relationship is just work, work, work, all the time, work and she's tired. She looks and feels depressed and tired and what she wants is rest but instead she's in for another wrenching conversation that will apparently be scheduled at regular intervals for the rest of her life and this is not, absolutely not, what she wants out of life.

She's looking out the window over the sink into the dark, thinking, but not very clearly, about the light at the end of the tunnel and whether there would be one for Derek and her.

This time it's Derek who knows what needs to be done and said. He puts his arms around Meredith, sponge and dishtowel and all and says, "The point of taking down the dam was to let everything flow under the bridge, but there was something I held back. I don't want to be divorced. I married Addie for the wrong reasons, I married Addie without knowing her well enough, and when things went wrong I stayed in the OR instead of dealing with it. I want to marry you because I love you and you love me and I believe we are right for each other, that's a good reason. I do want to marry you _now_ because I don't want to be divorced. That's a bad reason. I have to wait. I'll wait. And I'll never treat you the way I did last night again, ever, because I hate myself afterward. Addie and I did argue all the time. You and I _are_ different. I shouldn't have nagged you about happily ever after. I'm sorry."

Meredith gradually relaxes into Derek's embrace as he talks and eventually flicks the sponge into the sink, and rests the back of her head against his shoulder.

"I don't want to be working on it all the time, I just want to be together, like we were when we came back from New York. Can't we have just that for a while?"

"Yes."

"When we're ready to marry, it'll pop up in conversation. I don't hide what I'm thinking."

"No, you don't. You used to, but you don't anymore.

"So you'll know when I'm ready."

"And I'll wait until then."


	19. Groundhog Day

**Groundhog Day**

"Derek, when is your birthday? You said on my birthday that it was soon."

"In about a year."

"You had your birthday and you didn't tell me?"

"Yes."

"You didn't tell me."

"Correct."

"You didn't think I would be interested?"

"I didn't think _I_ would be interested."

"You don't think that makes you awfully selfish?"

"Selfishness is one of the few privileges of age."

"What age?"

"My age."

"What age is that?"

"The age when some of the perks denied to younger people kick in."

"Do you really want to be that cliché?"

"Are there any alternatives?"

"Yeah. You could stop being coy about your birthday and tell me when it was."

"You are very very bossy."

"It's the privilege of the girlfriend of a man your age, to keep him in line."

"You were bossy before you knew my age."

"I've always known your age."

"You said you didn't think about it when I was the guy in the bar and you were the girl in the bar."

"If I didn't think about it, I didn't know or not know. I didn't think about it. It wasn't on my mind."

"You had something else on your mind."

"Quit fucking around and tell me when your birthday was!"

"You never use that word!"

"You drove me to it. When was your birthday?"

"February 2nd."

"Groundhog Day!"

"Do they have Groundhog Day in Seattle?"

"I don't know. But I have Groundhog Day because I like it and I like groundhogs."

"Who likes groundhogs? They're big rodents."

"If your birthday was Groundhog Day, what does that make you?"

"40."

Since Derek reluctantly acknowledged that he's 40, Meredith feels compelled to get to work so that she's ready, whatever being ready means. She hopes either she or Derek will know it when they see it. But he promised to wait until she's ready, and he's, well, he's 40, an age when people, maybe especially men, start to feel like they're losing time. Meredith had mentioned an article with ten questions a couple should consider before they marry when she and Derek were in the bathtub together, before the "happily ever after" discussion turned into a fight. Maybe that would be a good place to start.

Meredith Googles the article and it turns up as the third link on her first search. There's fifteen questions instead of ten, and aside from the TV in the bedroom question, she doesn't know what the answers to any would be. Questions about financial obligations and goals, spiritual beliefs, who the primary caretaker of the kids would be, moving, mental health histories, each others' friends and families, things they wouldn't give up for the marriage. Yikes. How does anyone ever get married? But she saves the article, prints it, and leaves it on the table in the kitchen for them to talk about. They can at least talk about talking about the questions, that would be a step. Derek studies the list while Meredith is doing the washing up one night and says "This is serious."

"Kind of takes the fun out of it, doesn't it?"

"Maybe I can get a cheat sheet from Kathleen."

"Is that how you got through medical school?"

"This isn't science. I don't know what this is. Do you have any sexual fears?"

"References to my history of one-night stands."

"Duly noted."

"Do you?"

"That you'll wear me out."

"Also noted."

"You hate talking about money."

"I know."

"Do you have any spiritual beliefs?"

"I don't believe in Santa Clause."

"Are we in agreement about who will do the chores?"

"Izzie."

"Right."

"Is there any way to make this fun?"

"Pick a question, get on a ferryboat, and stay on we have the answer."

"Or wandering around on your land."

"It's our land. I gave you the deed. Did you give it to your lawyer?"

"I can't get used to having a lawyer. It feels weird."

"Evasion tactic. Did you give the deed to your lawyer? Land is a capital asset, he needs to know about it for your taxes. So does your accountant."

"No, I haven't given it to my lawyer. I'm evading it."

"Get on with it."

"That's my line."

"Tell me when you're going to do it."

"How do I explain it to him?"

"Say it was a gift. If he asks questions tell him to call me."

"OK. Can I just mail it? Do I have to write a letter?"

"Mail it registered, signature required, and write a note saying that I made you a co-owner of the land, here's the deed. If they have questions, they'll call you, and if you can't answer them, you tell them to call me. Remember, accountant and lawyer."

"OK. I'll do it tomorrow."

"Now we have to talk about money."

"Why?"

"The donation to the clinic foundation. We should do it soon. ASAP soon. Sitting in the bank, that money is limited to earning overnight sweeps, we're depriving the clinic of a higher return every day we delay the donation."

"Technically, you're delaying the donation. It's in your bank account. And I don't understand you when you talk like my mother's accountant. You have to use words that mean something in general English, not accounting English."

"Break it down."

"Technically, you're delaying the donation. It's in your bank account."

"No, it's not. It's in the one we opened together for household expenses."

"I don't understand you when you talk like my mother's accountant. You have to use words that mean something in general English, I don't understand accounting English."

"OK, overnight sweeps aren't important. Sitting in our bank, the money doesn't make as much money for the clinic as it would if they could invest it the way they want to invest it. Just think of it as they could get a higher interest rate. You understand that?"

"Yeah, OK."

"Why don't you want it to be a joint donation?"

"Why do you want it to be?"

"I asked you first."

"Because I don't like to talk about money, and I foresee a lot of talking about money if it has my name on it."

"People rarely have the nerve to ask you about a donation of that size."

"Cristina would."

"You can stand up to Cristina."

"I never see her anymore anyway."

"So she's not the problem. What's the problem?"

"We'll have to go to that fund-raising ball thing, and we'll be exhibit A."

"That's true. But those fund-raising things are a fact of life in a hospital, particularly a teaching hospital, and as head of a department, financially an important department, I'd have to go to those things anyway, and you'd be my date, wouldn't you?"

"Can I sit at the kids' table at the back and misbehave?"

"No, you have to sit at the grown-ups' table and be pleasant to the rich old men Helen is hoping to acquire as donors. I have to be pleasant to the rich old women Helen is hoping to acquire as donors." Helen is the professional fund-raiser Izzie hired to raise money for the clinic's foundation.

"I'm completely incapable of doing that."

"All you'll have to do is smile. The guys will take care of the small talk."

"How can you be sure of that?"

"I've been to more fund-raising events than I can remember. People with money know how to talk. Helen knows what you are like, she knows what her potential donors are like, she'll seat you next to the people who will be charmed by you. That's how she rakes in the funding. It's an art."

"And I have to dance with these guys?"

"Yes. I'll teach you how."

"Remember what happened the last time we were at a dance?"

"Yes."

"I don't know how to ask my next question."

"It might fall under the heading of sexual fears."

"You do it. You ask it."

"Am I going to be insanely jealous?"

"That's the one."

"Not jealous, I'll be anxious, but I have a plan."

"A plan?"

"An astounding percentage of people who attend these things are cruising for a mate, or another trophy wife, or even an affair. I trust you, I absolutely do, but I'll feel better if you're wearing some body armor. It lowers their expectations."

"Body armor?"

"Big bits of carbon."

"Derek, look at that list. We're nowhere near ready for that."

"It doesn't have to be a ring. You can wear it around your neck and in your ears."

"How much do those things cost?"

"You hate talking about money."

"Can I buy them myself?"

"You could, but it would be nicer of you if you let me give them to you. It would make me happy. It could be my birthday present."

"You would give _me_ big bits of carbon for _your_ birthday."

"Twisted, isn't it?"

"Will I have to tell my lawyer about it?"

"No, but you'll have to tell him about the donation. The clinic will give you a letter of receipt and you send it on to him for your taxes."

"This lawyer thing is getting out of hand."

"You get used to it."

"I have another difficult question."

"Fire away."

"The difficult ones don't fire away, they more sort of stutter themselves out."

"Stutter away then."

"Remember when Mark turned up at the hospital and you punched him?"

"I try not to."

"He said that you – well, it boiled down to – he thought it was interesting . . . well, that you punched him for him talking to me, but only walked away from him and Addison. And then Addison said something like that when she lost it, remember? on the bridge at the hospital? About dating the vet?"

"So you want to know why I'm insanely jealous about you, but I wasn't about Addie."

"Right."

"When I found Mark with Addie I was relieved that she gave me a reason to leave. When I saw Mark with you, I was in love with you, I couldn't be with you, but he could. That's the very definition of jealousy. He can have the woman I want but I can't have her. It was the same with Dandridge, except that I took it out on you. I'm still sorry about that. So sorry."

"I know, don't think about it, you let it go. So you won't be insanely jealous at this dance, because we _are_ together and you know I want to be with you and only with you. No ugly rich old man at a fund-raiser could tempt me away from you, you know that, right?"

"Right."

"So you don't really need body armor, do you?"

"It'll help both of us. You'll get fewer hints you don't know how to respond to, and I'll worry less that you're being harassed."

"You won't have any armor, are you going to be harassed?"

"Yes, but I know how to deal with it, I've been to these things, Addie and I were often bait. She seemed to like it, it was part of being the most desirable couple in New York."

"Yuck."

"I don't like it either, and I'll only do it for the hospital or the clinic. But if it takes a dance and some charm to convince a patron to make a large donation to the clinic, I'll provide the dance and the charm. And I won't be jealous when you're doing the same work. But it takes experience to deflect the hints, and until you have experience, big bits of carbon are a helpful indicator that you're with somebody. Besides, they're pretty."

"Do you have them already?"

"No, I won't give them to you unless you want them."

"When I was a kid I used to look up pictures of famous jewels in the Encyclopedia in the school library."

"So you like them!"

"I do like them. I admit it."

"OK, that's settled. Now let's dance."

So the marriage questions are set aside for the dance lesson, which leads to the fantasy dancers always have in mind. Meredith _is_ very, very bossy, and she does keep Derek in line, but in money matters and in the bedroom (or where ever they're doing it) Derek has the upper hand. In money matters he knows what he's doing and she doesn't, and in sex, well, they both just like it like that.

In the middle of the dance lesson Derek pulls Meredith in close and holds her in ways that would not be acceptable in a ballroom, which leads to losing their clothes and dancing slower and closer, until Derek dances Meredith to a wall and pins her there, one hand behind her neck, kissing her hard and deep, and the other under one thigh, lifting it so that her leg clasps his waist. They shed what's left of their civility and find the foxtrot against a wall to be as deeply and powerfully satisfying as the bendy thing in the shower. Despite his urgent excitement Derek doesn't forget to cushion her head against the wall with one arm, as he brings her to the brink of ecstasy and slows down, then brings her back to the brink and slows down, and again, until she's begging him, which makes his own need more and more powerful until they both explode and collapse, drenched and gasping and sated. When she can speak again, Meredith has one question.

"Isn't that what I was afraid would happen if I'm your date at a dance?"

"Don't worry, you'll have the body armor."


	20. Three Half Sisters

**Three Half-Sisters**

Meredith makes Eileen's vegetable lasagna, assembles a big salad, and mixes the dressing herself just like Derek does. She slices a loaf of bread from the Italian bakery, puts it in the oven to warm, and takes the butter out of the refrigerator. She sets the table and makes it pretty with a vase of flowers, a bottle of good wine, and the colorful pitcher for extra marinara sauce.

Lexie and Molly are coming for dinner.

Being sisters with Lexie and Molly feels nothing like Susan's attempt to shoehorn Meredith into Thatcher's second family in spite of Thatcher's discomfort and disinterest. Lexie and Molly always knew they had a "big sister," and always wanted their "big sister." Without violating Meredith's rule that they're not related in the hospital, Lexie told Meredith that when she and Molly were kids they wondered what their big sister was like, what she looked like, what her name was, when they would get to meet her. When they were about 10 they begged Susan to let them invite Meredith to a sleepover. That's when they learned their big sister didn't know about them, and why Lexie didn't introduce herself at Harvard.

When Lexie and Molly arrive they settle Davey, Molly's one-year old son, on a blanket in the dining room with toys Meredith bought for him at the hospital gift shop plus the ones he travels with, while Meredith brings out the food. Molly looks upset and Lexie looks distressed, so when they are all established with food and drink Meredith asks if they want to talk about what's upsetting them, or about something distracting.

Molly explains that she had a very unpleasant phone call with Eric today, that she was telling Lexie about it on the drive to Meredith's house. Molly's impulsive marriage is suffering the ravages of Eric's stop-loss service in the Army, the early baby, her mother's death and her father's drinking. On the few occasions Eric has been home, he's been more and more difficult, drinking too much, unable to sleep, hostile to Molly, uninterested in Davey. He rarely calls, and when he does he is usually impatient, uninterested in the news from home, and with no desire to talk about what he's going through.

"I don't blame him, you know, I blame the war, but I don't feel like I can't go on like this and I don't think he wants to either. It's not just him and me, lots of Army families are going through break-ups. He won't talk about it, but I think he wishes he weren't responsible for us, me and Davey. And I feel guilty about it, because I was the one who proposed. If I hadn't asked him, he wouldn't be stuck with us."

Meredith wants to be tactful. "Would you rather I not ask about it?"

"No. Maybe a new perspective would be good."

Meredith asks, "Is it . . . are you thinking about separating, is that it?"

"I already feel separated, but even if we formally separated I think he'd still feel responsible for us."

"Is it the extra responsibility – do you think that's his biggest problem?"

"No, it's just the only problem I can do anything about."

"What do you feel about divorce, then?"

"I don't know how he would react. He might be angry, he might be relieved. I don't know what to do. I just don't know."

"If you were divorced, could you support you and Davey without Eric?"

"No, I got married, I've never had a real job. I don't think I'm qualified for anything."

"Did you have any plans for work before you and Eric were engaged?"

"I wanted to be a kindergarten teacher, but I'm not qualified or certified, whatever they call it, plus there aren't many jobs. Everybody wants to be a kindergarten teacher. You know, Eric liked kids too, his sisters have children and we used to have so much fun with them. It was one of the things that made me love him so much."

"Then what about daycare? The hospital daycare center always needs people, though I think you have to have some kind of qualifications. But maybe they would let you work and get qualified at the same time."

Lexie exclaims "Molly, you love it when your friends drop their kids off for you to baby sit. You'd be great in daycare. And you could have Davey with you."

Molly addresses her question to both Lexie and Meredith. "Would Eric maybe feel less guilty about it if I suggested he could divorce us, if I had a job? Then he wouldn't have to worry about us, and I could tell him I don't blame him, I proposed, it's not his fault, and I still love him if he wants us back when he feels better."

Lexie knows Eric, so she's the one who answers. "It might help. Eric worries, he feels responsible, like everything is his job. Isn't that kind of why he volunteered for military service?"

Meredith asks "Daycare workers don't get paid much, so there would be living expenses to work out. Would you want to live in your old home if Thatcher sobered up? Because I have an idea about that – what might motivate him to get sober."

Lexie and Molly zero right in on that and ask together "What's your idea?" and "What motive?"

"Some people need to be needed, to have someone that depends on them. I'm like that, and I certainly didn't get it from Ellis. It seems like an inherited trait, you know, not something you'd learn. If Thatcher is like that too, and if you two really needed him for something concrete, like a home and someone to watch the baby and be a father to you, Molly, going through a divorce, if you sat him down and talked to him about how he could help you, that you need him, Thatcher, your Dad, not just anyone, but him, specifically him, he'd probably start AA the next day. I'm just guessing. It was a little like that with me, when I quit drinking, so it might be like that with him too. He might need a reason to quit, and being absolutely necessary could be a reason. Did that make any sense or did I just babble? I do that, I babble, I mean."

Both sisters are listening and thinking.

Molly reacts first. "I, wow, I never . . .we never thought of that, Lexie . . when you were living a home, he didn't realize that we still wanted him to be Dad. You know? He acted like he thought we were on our own, we didn't need him . . . you had your job and I had Davey and Eric."

"Mom told me he got pretty depressed after you got married and with both of us gone, he didn't have anybody to be responsible for, because, you know Mom, she was always in charge. She had to come up with ideas of things to make him feel important. I mean, he was necessary to her, they loved each other, but she had to invent, like Meredith said, concrete ways to make him feel it, feel like it mattered to somebody, her, if he was there."

Meredith says, "And you wouldn't have to invent anything. He would know it was for real, it's obviously for real."

Lexie asks hesitantly, " Do you mind, I mean you said last time, maybe you would tell us about, that you . . . how you stopped drinking . . . you know, I know you don't know us that well, but . . ."

Meredith hesitates, takes the plunge. "It was a little different for me than for Thatcher, because I only drank on weekends, still that's an alcoholic, according to AA, I think. During the week at school I had class, school activities, class work, I didn't have any empty time. But the weekends were bare. Too much time to think and thinking was, well, it was just . . . I didn't have any happy thoughts. There's not much to do at Dartmouth. But there were bars and frat parties, and if I drank enough, I didn't have to think from Saturday afternoon to Monday morning. So that's why I drank. And why I stopped was, I wanted to go to Europe. I wanted to see it, not to party, but to be like a tourist. I wanted my friend Anna to come too, but she didn't want to be embarrassed in Europe by a drunken American. She would only come if I stopped drinking. So I did. I didn't drink anything for two months. That convinced her, and then she agreed to come. I didn't give up drinking completely, in Europe Anna and I had wine and beer with meals, but I never got drunk. So, the bottom line was, I stopped drinking because I wanted to go to Europe with Anna more than I wanted to be drunk on weekends."

Molly and Lexie are both silent for a while, not staring at Meredith. Molly says, "Thanks for telling us that. I can see how Dad might be like that."

They continue talking it over until they're finished with the dinner, and Meredith says, "Derek said he would stop by the bakery and bring us cannolis if you want to meet him. Actually, he said he'd do it if I 'wanted to show him off,' was how he put it."

Molly laughs. "Do you want to show him off?"

"He was just being a smartass. He'll be civilized with you. And the cannolis are really good."

Lexie and Molly both opt for the cannolis and Derek so Meredith pages him. Davey's getting sleepy and Molly asks Aunt Meredith if she wants to read him his night-night stories. Meredith is surprised, but pleased, and takes him into the front room, where his portable crib is, with _Goodnight Moon_ and_ The Very Hungry Caterpillar._ She hears Molly and Lexie clearing the dishes and decides not to stop them, it feels really sisterly. She likes it.

Derek arrives as the baby is getting sleepy and he gives her a whole new look - the McDreamy/McBaby look - and goes into the kitchen to greet the Grey sisters and introduce himself to Molly. When Meredith settles Davey into his crib and joins them in the kitchen, they've brewed coffee and are talking with great animation. About her.

Derek looks kind of guilty but Lexie and Molly both look highly amused and not the least bit remorseful. Meredith is panicked. She hasn't a clue what a normal person would do if she found her boyfriend and her half-sisters she just met talking and laughing about her. Molly grasps the meaning of Meredith's confusion first. "Don't worry Meredith. He was telling us about Dr. Dog and Doc and this lasagna was the first thing you've ever cooked and that you want to sit at the kids table and misbehave at this banquet thing. Come have a cannoli." Meredith relaxes visibly.

The four of them chat together drinking coffee and eating cannolis, and Derek talks to Molly and Lexie they way he talks to his own sisters on the phone. Meredith has a strange feeling, which she recognizes from when Eileen was visiting, the feeling of being in a family. She likes it. When it's time for Lexie to go, since she's on the 6:00 am shift, Molly says, "Should we do this again, when you two, Meredith and Lexie, have the same night off? We can take turns doing the cooking? And you should bring dessert, Derek."

They decide to do it again, but Meredith reserves the right to cook, saying she needs the incentive to learn. The sisters trade phone numbers: pagers, cells, land lines.

Everybody helps Molly gather Davey's things and pack him into the car, and Meredith and Derek wave from the porch as Lexie and Molly drive away.

Derek waits for Meredith to speak.

"They treated me like their sister."

"You are their sister. They're your sisters."

"I like them. Do you like them?"

"Of course. They're very curious about you. You're the mythical 'big sister' to them, they knew you were somewhere out there in the universe and one day they'd find you. They made up stories about you when they were kids. Lexie discovered you at Harvard but she knew you didn't know about her. They didn't know you were here in Seattle until Susan told them. Then it all got complicated."

"Lexie knew what rank I graduated at."

"She was watching you all along."

"Do you think I can measure up?"

"You'll be fine. Don't worry about it, just let it evolve. They said you were really helpful about Molly's problem."

"How much time did you have with them anyway?"

"About 20 minutes. You were hogging the baby, Aunt Meredith."

"I saw that look you gave me."

"How many kids are we having?"

"Including you?"

"Including _you_.

"How many do you want?"

"More than we can manage."

"At least you're realistic."

"Do you know yet, whether you want kids or not?"

"I know yet. I do want kids. Not an only child."

Derek wraps his arms around Meredith and whispers rapturously in her ear "I won't be just an uncle anymore?"

"No, you'll be a McDad."


	21. Julia

**Julia**

The visit Julia and Derek talked about at Christmas takes flight and lands in Seattle with two over-extended parents and three over-stimulated kids, each charged with six hours of pent up energy. The flight from New York was uneventful, but the children - Ben, Tina and Roo - are desperately in need of run-around time.

Ben and Tina are set free to run around in the back or front yards, but instructed to stay off the sidewalk. Martin, Julia's husband, sets up the kids' sleeping area between the dining room and the front room, while Julia unpacks for everybody. Derek hauls luggage. Meredith takes Roo for a short walk, not farther than Meredith can carry Roo in case she crashes.

Holding hands, Roo and Meredith wander off. Roo shows Meredith a plastic dinosaur and explains, "They used to call it bronasaurus, but now it's a 'patasaurus."

"Is that because you can pat it?"

"Pat what?"

"The 'patasaurus."

"No, you can't pat it. There isn't one, not annnymore. It's distinc'."

"What does it mean, that it's distinct?"

"There isn't one leff. Like when we eat all the cookies an' there isn't one leff."

"Then the cookies are distinct?"

"Until Mommy or Daddy goes to the store. Or if Mommy has a day off, sometimes she makes the cookies."

"What's your favorite kind of cookie?"

"I like Cooky MONSTER!" This assertion is accompanied by a visual, indicating largeness and passion. "What is that, where we're visitin?"

"The house? That's my house."

"How come you have a house? Girls don' have real houses, girls have pretend ones."

"My mother gave it to me."

"Then where does your mommy live?"

"She's . . well . . .she's distinct."

"Is she at the store?"

"No, she's distinct like the patasaurus, not like the cookies."

There's a short silence while Roo tries to process this, and loses interest, to Meredith's great relief.

"What's your name?"

"Meredith."

"No, your firs' name."

"Meredith is my first name."

"Mary Dish?"

"That's close."

"Than Mary is your firs' name."

"What's your name?"

"Roo. It's the baby of a kanga. But I'm not a baby any more 'cause I can TALK."

"You certainly can talk. You're a good talker."

"That's 'cause I'm not a baby any more. I'm tired."

"Do you want a piggyback ride home?"

"Nooooo, I'm not Miss Piggy. I'm ROO."

"Oh, a piggyback ride isn't for pigs, or Miss Piggy, it's a backward Roo ride. You can ride frontwards too. Which do you want first?"

Roo accepts this dubious explanation and opts for back first. Meredith is about to learn how much muscle is required to transport a 3-year old over two city blocks.

When they arrive back at the house in the frontward Roo ride, things are pretty will organized and Julia and Martin both thank the breathless Meredith for entertaining Roo. Meredith says, in between pants, that Roo is very entertaining herself, and asks if you're supposed to train for carrying kids around or does it come naturally? She notes the look Julia and Martin exchange and turns away in confusion, realizing she divulged more than she intended to. Tina and Ben are still chasing each other, and Roo is allowed to join in though she can't be It. She gets a special point for touching either of the older kids. They're nice kids, they let Roo catch them every now and again.

The grown-ups are established on the porch for a brief respite before the madness of dinner begins. Martin suggests Julia not start anything complicated because they'll have to feed the kids soon. Derek says "Complicated. What could be complicated?" But he knows what he's in for.

Julia and Derek were the closest pair of Shepard kids. They had the most in common, character-wise, both mischievous, curious, and daring. Kathleen was born mature, Nancy was born cranky, when Derek arrived Julia finally had a companion to play and talk with. They never grew apart, despite the 4-year age gap, until Derek married. Watching Derek change as his marriage deteriorated, feeling him shut her and all his family out was wrenching and painful for Julia. She is very clearly happy to have the Derek she knew and loved restored to her, but she wants an explanation, and the explanation better include some remorse. His Mom was tactful. Julia will be tough.

Martin attempts to divert attention from complications. "Why do kids have so much energy after a long plane ride, but adults are exhausted?"

Julia answers, "It's physics. Conservation of energy."

Even if it's complicated, Meredith feels she has to explain about her mother's extinction, in case Roo mentions it. "This might be complicated, but you know Roo's dinosaur? She showed it to me and said it's distinct, like when the kids eat all the cookies and there isn't one left, that is, until you go to the store. And she asked where my mother lives, and all I could come up with was that she's distinct. You know, because I don't know whether Roo knows anything about death. And she asked if my mommy was at the store, I said she was distinct more like the dinosaur than the cookies . . . "

Derek and Julia smile through the beginning of the story but when Roo asks if Meredith's mommy is at the store, they lose control, laughing like loons. Martin is confused, not by the story, but by Derek and Julia heartlessly laughing about Meredith's dead mommy.

Martin says to Meredith, "I'm sorry about your mother Meredith, and I apologize for my wife. Roo doesn't get it yet that real living things die. You couldn't have handled it better. Julia, _what_ has gotten into you?"

Meredith intervenes. "It's OK, Martin. My mother had very advanced Alzheimer's, so the heart attack, you know, it released her. I mean, when she had moments of lucidity she was very unhappy about being in her condition. So it's OK to see the funny side of it."

Martin heaves himself off his chair and says, "Let's get dinner started before things get any more complicated."

All the adults participate in preparing the kids' dinner. Roo doesn't eat anything round or spherical, it's a phase, they're just going with it, so Meredith slices grapes into ovals and a banana and a carrot so that the profiles are half-moons. Julia makes half a peanut butter sandwich and pours milk into a Sippy cup for Roo and regular glasses for the older kids. Both Tina and Ben loathe melted cheese, and consider peanut butter for babies, but they will eat "raw" cheese on toasted bread, so Martin toasts bread and slices cheese, and fills bowls with salad. He negotiates with Tina and Ben: if they eat the whole salad, they can eat it with their fingers since their other food is a sandwich. Derek peels bananas and oranges and slices apples for all three kids.

Martin eats sandwiches and salad with the kids, he's exhausted and will put them to bed and go to sleep himself. Julia is still popping with energy, just as Derek described her, so she'll dine with Derek and Meredith.

While Derek finishes cooking their meal his eyes twinkle at Meredith, his McDreamy look, and she knows he's congratulating her for handling the "distinct" incidents smoothly. What he doesn't know is that Meredith was surprised (and not pleased) that Roo classified Meredith as a girl, not an adult. Meredith doesn't want the age gap to be apparent to Derek's older sister and brother-in-law.

Derek suggests, "Meredith, if you want to complicate things for Julia, we could quiz her on those fifteen questions at dinner."

"Maybe we should save them in case we need revenge."

Julia is about to respond when commotion erupts at Roo's chair. It's 9:00 pm in New York, way past her bedtime. Julia scoops her up in a comforting hug and takes her upstairs to get ready for bed. When they return Martin, Ben, and Tina go upstairs, and Roo wants a story, and she wants "Mary" to read the story. So Meredith sits cross-legged on Roo's sleeping bag and reads _Oh, the Places You'll Go._ Tina arrives in the middle, and they alternate pages; Tina knows it by heart. Then Tina shyly asks Meredith if she will show Tina about ballet tomorrow, she wants to learn but her parents want her to know what it's like first.

"Sure, I'll show you. It's hard at first, a lot of exercises, some girls don't like that, but lots of girls do. I did."

"Can you still stand on your toes?"

"I still can."

"Will you show me?"

"Sure."

"Does it hurt?"

"If you have good shoes and you're strong, it doesn't hurt. When you start dancing on pointe all the time you might get blisters and sore spots, but you don't care if you really like dancing."

"Can you still dance?"

"Not really dance, but I can still do the exercises, and I can teach you some steps that are fun. But I haven't taken class for ten years, so I'm not strong enough to really dance."

Every sleeping bag is occupied so Meredith says goodnight, but Roo demands a kiss before she leaves. Meredith is happy to comply, and when she asks "Anyone else?" Tina also wants a kiss. Meredith knows better than to kiss Ben, but she smiles at him and says "Good night, Ben" and he smiles back. The children were ecstatic to see their Unkadek, but are still a little fuzzy about who or what Meredith is and why they are staying at her house.

Derek is ready to serve dinner when Julia has settled the kids to sleep. He's sitting at the table, he reaches out to pull Meredith into his chair, and whispers "You were adorable, carrying Roo up the street."

"This visit is going to cause trouble, isn't it? You're going to want to get pregnant the minute they leave, aren't you?" But she's smiling, so Derek knows she's not really worried.

"She thinks your name is Mary?"

"My last name is Dish."

"We'll work on that."

"I think they're all confused about who I am."

"We'll work on that too."

Finally they're arranged at the table with food and wine and Julia wastes no time. "What _happened_ to you? It's been like six or seven years since I had a real conversation with you."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"I never understood why you and Addison got married."

"I think the answer is buried underneath the second-year workload. Probably because I didn't think about it enough."

"But why did you ask her?"

"I didn't."

Julia takes a while to absorb that. "So that's why we didn't know about her family wealth and social caste?"

"That's why."

"Is the Montgomery/Forbes social scene why things deteriorated so fast once you both started practicing?"

"We didn't need to talk for six or seven years. You already know everything."

"And why you didn't have any kids?"

"Yes."

"You didn't use to be so hard to talk to. I feel like an Inquisitor."

"You're acting like one. Have some wine. Relax. I'm talking. You won't have to torture me."

"Meredith, what do you like about him?"

"It's ineffable." Derek and Meredith both laugh and say they'll explain later.

"Well, that takes us up to the sudden disappearance and flight to Seattle."

"Actually, I drove."

"Again, Meredith, what do you like about him?"

"Once he said he used to have long conversations with Roo, and whenever he stopped talking she would ask "Why?" and that jumpstarted him. This was advice on how _I_ could get him to talk."

"I always wondered what you and Roo talked about."

"Meredith, do you remember what Roo and I talked about?"

"Anything from craniotomies to bunny rabbits. She had a range of interests."

Julia changes subjects for a moment. "Meredith, you were great with her today. And I'm sorry if I offended you laughing when you told us that story on the porch. I didn't mean to disrespect your mother."

"Don't worry about it, really. It was funny. And I hardly ever saw my mother, and when I did she was usually furious with me. I was actually raised by three wolves who lived down the basement."

"I gather there are a lot of horror stories."

"Derek has one that's all his own."

"Yeah, he told me about that. How do I get him to start talking again?"

"You could kick him under the table. Or, you know, we don't, at least I don't, I don't know what you, all the Shepard people, I don't know what you knew and when you knew it. If you talk about that, he could fill in the holes. Then you just have to ask "why" when he looks tired."

Julia talks to Meredith, it's easier to look at her while talking about Derek, and Meredith said she didn't know this part of the history. "It just got harder and harder to reach him. He was in surgery, or out of town, or not answering the phone. It took ages to get a call back or a reply to email, and we, I anyway, had to pester him. I'm not naturally a nag, so that was pretty painful." She pauses to glare at Derek, who smiles ruefully and says again, sincerely apologetic, "I'm sorry. And I'm not naturally a person who says I'm sorry."

Julia laughs a little and agrees. "We all knew something was terribly wrong, but it was impossible to get him to talk about it. That May one of us was planning a party for one of the kids. So there was a lot of calling and emailing, and one day, we all realized that nobody had gotten through to Derek. If we called the house, Addie answered and said she didn't know when he'd be home. For a couple of days she got away with that, because emergencies can cluster, but it got to be ridiculous. We weren't ready to call his office and ask where he was, we still didn't want to embarrass him. Then Addie stopped answering the phone, until one night Claire had one of her intuitions that Addie was home, screening calls, and she called Addie for like an hour, hitting redial over and over. Finally she talked to the machine, said she knew Addie was there and if she didn't pick up, we'd have to file a missing persons report, and would she rather talk to Sgt. Somebody? It's probably the most aggressive thing Claire's ever done. Addie picked up, she sounded like she'd been crying the whole time Claire hit redial. The conversation went something like this:

'Claire: Where's Derek?

Addison: I don't know. He left me.

Claire: When?

Addison: Last Monday.

Claire: Why?

Addison: He found out I cheated on him.

Claire: How?

Addison: He found me.

Claire: Where?

Addison: Here. In our room.

Claire: With whom?

Addison: Mark.'

"When Claire hung up, her phone rang and it was Derek. It was a horribly late hour, how did you know you could call her without waking everyone? And why Claire?"

"I had one of her intuitions that she was still up."

"Do you get those too?"

"Mostly in the OR."

"So fill in the holes."

Derek hates thinking about the bleak past, but he won't have to do it again and again. Of his four sisters he has only ever given Julia the right to pry like this. Though Julia, like Eileen, won't repeat what he tells her, his other sisters won't expect a lot of information from him.

"I hated the social stuff, you knew that. We talked, argued, fought about it, but Addie seemed incapable of understanding or compromising. It ran her life. I got angry. I didn't know how to deal with it, so I worked more. Work got me out of things I didn't want to do, kept me from thinking about things I didn't want to think about. When I found her with Mark, finally I had a reason to be angry that she understood, and I could leave. At the office Josh had proposed bringing in another partner, and I had thought about finding more interesting work. I sold my share to the new guy and Richard Webber, you remember him from Columbia Medical Center? He needed a neurosurgeon at Seattle Grace. He wanted to build up a department. He offered a contract, I took it, packed some stuff from the house, and drove out here. I talked to Claire the night Richard offered the contract."

"You didn't tell her much."

"I realized I was giving you reason to worry that I was still living."

"Finally."

"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry."

"So once we knew you were safe, we tried to back off. Not to ask for return calls, replies, acknowledgement that we existed." Julia's glaring again, pretty fiercely. "It was Kathleen's advice, to treat you like a mental patient."

"I kind of was like a mental patient."

"A mental patient performing brain surgery. Then things got confused. I never understood why Addie came out here. I never understood how Nancy knew about Addie and Mark, and that both of them were in Seattle. I didn't understand Nancy's gossip about an intern."

Meredith says in a very small voice "I'm the intern."

Julia looks at her, nakedly shocked. "I never really believed there was an intern."

"It's not her fault, Julia. It's my fault. She said 'no' and I kept asking. I wouldn't give up."

"It's not all your fault, Derek. It's more like 50/50."

Julia is still in shock.

Meredith says to Derek, "You can talk about me. I don't mind." He studies her face to be sure she's sincere. "Really, I don't. They have to understand what you were thinking, what we're like, maybe what I was thinking, if we want your family to overlook the way it started. You remember from the 'happily ever after argument'? That's another thing that will change, has to change. I can't be ready if questions about my judgment or your motives are hanging over our heads. But didn't you tell Eileen a lot of this?"

"She won't repeat anything that isn't her own observation or public information, like where you went to school or Dr. Dog. And I only told her things from my point of view."

Derek turns back to Julia. "When we met we didn't talk about work. So we didn't know we had an ethical conflict until we collided at the hospital. I was delighted if you want the truth, but Meredith was pretty fierce about the ethics. People assume it's a rebound thing, but it's not. The last five years with Addie, I was alone. And Meredith didn't know about Addie. That's entirely my fault. But Meredith was the person I hurt, and she's forgiven me, and we wouldn't be where we are if I hadn't done it, so it's hard to be sorry anymore."

Julia looks at Meredith, Meredith nods, Julia turns back to Derek.

"Where I work it's outlawed for teaching staff to date interns and residents."

"At Seattle Grace the rules were not official until last fall. That's not an excuse for me. I just blocked it out of my mind. I admit that I did that."

"How do you get away with it now?"

"We don't 'get away' with it. The Board and Chief of Surgery decided it's not in the hospital's best interest to force one of us out."

"Why on earth?"

"The Board doesn't want to mess with the head of the neurosurgery department, we make the hospital a lot of money. They don't want to lose Meredith because she's a tremendous fund-raising asset. The Chief of Surgery doesn't want to lose Meredith because she's so good. We don't work together if we can avoid it, and I don't evaluate her."

"Did you threaten to leave or something?"

"Come on, Julia, you should know better than that. I said 'mess with,' as in, they don't want to find out what would happen. Meredith's talked about transferring, and been told not to.

"How could a dating relationship be so important that you'd be willing to violate that kind of ethic?"

"Like I said, we didn't talk about work when we met, so we didn't know. We would have dated right away if we hadn't been in the same hospital. Meredith was like a reset button for me. You know what I was like. I'd been so angry at Addie for so long. It's corrosive, that much anger. With Meredith I felt like myself again. Can't you see that yourself? So I wanted to be with her as much as possible."

"Meredith, do you mind my asking?

"No, I don't mind. I'm not very coherent though. But fire away."

"Being a tremendous fund-raising asset?"

"I'm Ellis Grey's daughter. Hundreds of important people owe her favors. We have a free clinic that needs funding and a foundation. Last month Helen, she's the fund-raiser for the clinic, put on a "ball." She invited two people from Ellis's rolodex, or rather I did, but she wrote the letters, coached me on how to talk, what to talk about. You know, I sat between them at the dinner, chatted, danced with them. Anyway, they both gave a million dollars to the clinic's foundation. And almost all I had to do was smile. She expects this phenomenon to be repeatable. The Board thinks I'm a gold mine."

Derek adds, "People talked behind your back about what a great resident you are, and your own donation."

"Your donation."

"Give it up, Meredith. Your name is on the plaque."

Meredith mutters something inaudible and Derek shakes his head at Julia not to pursue it.

"So why was being with Derek was important enough to violate the ethics?"

"It's kind of like Derek's reason. You know I have horror stories, I didn't have a family, much of a life, a home. I didn't like myself much, I didn't have happy thoughts. But I wasn't looking for a boyfriend to make me happy. Then I met Derek. I liked _him_, obviously. I liked myself when I was with him. I had happy thoughts about us. That's how you can tell it's a good relationship, right, when you like him _and_ you like yourself? I didn't have that with my mother, but I had it with friends, women, at university, at Harvard, so I knew what it was when I felt it. And I wasn't willing to give it up for a cold hard rule, when breaking it wasn't going to hurt anybody. Derek has integrity, he wouldn't use his position to give me favors, withhold opportunities from other students."

Julia thinks it over, and Derek and Meredith wait, like they're waiting for the jury's verdict. They both know that what they did is open to question by any professional doctor, teacher, student, ethicist. Derek didn't realize that it was important to Meredith, or why, but this seems to be one of those instances when insights that were simmering in the back of her mind spill out. She needs to know that Eileen and Julia sympathize with, empathize with, the questionable beginning of her relationship with Derek. She doesn't want approval, just understanding, from the two people in Derek's family whose opinion matters to him. She needs that to be ready to marry Derek.

"OK." Everybody reaches for their wine glasses. The level of tension drops. Derek pours more wine and says, "Somebody eat something." But Julia's still on the case.

"How did Addie get out here?"

"Obstetrics had a TTTS case and they needed a neo-natal surgeon. Richard could have got someone from LA or San Francisco, but he brought Addie out. I think he was meddling."

"Did he know about you and Meredith?"

"He didn't know when he called Addie."

"Why did she stay?"

"She'd moved in with Mark when it was clear – "

"WHAT?"

"Addie. Moved in with Mark. After I left."

"Addie lived with Mark."

"Yes."

"Did you know?"

"When the divorce was final, she told me."

"Why wait until then?"

"I didn't ask her, I'd be guessing."

"So, guess."

"I didn't want any of the New York real estate, mostly because I didn't want it. I said I didn't want it because her role in the divorce was one instance of infidelity, whereas I'd been in a relationship. Maybe she knew I'd find out the truth. Maybe she couldn't stand that she lied. Maybe she felt guilty pretending to be less responsible for the divorce than she was. Or all of the above."

"Was the divorce just about infidelity?"

"While we were residents things were fine. There were enough limits on our time to hide the basic incompatibilities. And whatever it was she wanted from being married to me, in retrospect, I think she got, whatever it was. Once the restrictions on our time were gone I was unhappy. She wouldn't compromise on that issue, I got angry, and it lead to Addie and Mark, which ultimately lead to the divorce. But we shouldn't have gotten married. That's more my fault than hers."

"So why did she stay, move in with you?"

"I didn't ask her, I'd be guessing."

"So, guess."

"I think she still had feelings. I can't think of anything else that would make her live in an unheated trailer, take the ferry to work in 3-inch heels, and leave behind the society that was so important to her in New York."

"Why did you take her back?"

"We were married. She finally compromised. I thought I owed her a second chance, that being married required me to give her a second chance."

"But it didn't work."

"No. It was beyond repair. I realized I shouldn't have married Addie. I realized that I love Meredith, and couldn't bear to lose her."

"Did you realize you don't know how to deal with failure?"

"No, Mom told me that."

"Did you realize you're really stubborn and proud?"

"No, Meredith told me that."

"Did you realize you were a mental patient performing brain surgery?"

"No, you told me that just now."

Julia's laughing now. "Do you know anything about yourself?"

"I'm sure you know more."

"You need a lot of supervision."

Meredith erupts into laughter. "He does know that! It's the number one thing he likes about me!"

"Not number one."

"Well, it's the first thing you told me you liked about me, besides my hair conditioner."

Derek remembers the incident and blushes a little, maybe for the first time in his life. It's a happy memory though, the way Meredith smiled when he said her hair smelled good. He laughs outright, and Julia says to him, "So, you're back?"

"I'm back."

"Good."

The inquisition is over. Julia and Derek, as sister and brother, are back together. Meredith won Julia's acceptance on her own terms. The dinner is cold. Life is good.


	22. Reflectons in the Bathtub

**Reflections in the Bathtub**

Meredith leaves Derek and Julia talking and goes up to her bedroom. She's tired, but the conversation they just had leaves her wide awake, so she runs a hot bath to relax in. She's been thinking, back-burner kind of thinking, of the talk she and Derek had in New York about why she was right for him and why he was right for her. Their talk with Julia moved that question from the back to the front burner, where it now simmers. Probably the most important question she has to answer before she can be ready to marry Derek is, why is he right for her?

In the beginning of their relationship – the pre-Addison days - Meredith is well aware that part of what attracted her to Derek was that he was a grown-up, a well-known surgeon, the head of a department. Whereas her mother thought Meredith didn't have what it takes to be a surgeon, Derek thought highly of her work. His opinion was more meaningful to her because he worked with her. She'd never known much positive feedback from adults; she needed it and Derek gave it to her. But that was a phase she's grown out of.

Meredith was never much attracted to men her own age, they usually seemed too young for her. Though she and George are the same age, George seems like a teenager to her. Derek's thirteen years older than she, but sometimes she feels older than him.

Meredith understands now that all the boys she slept with at Dartmouth served her ego rather than her libido. The Meredith who was raised by wolves wanted and needed to believe that somebody wanted her. The only way she knew how to get that feeling was to make a man want her in bed. The feeling was gone when she woke up the morning after, but the only cure, however fleeting, was to do it again next weekend. At Harvard she didn't have time for bar- and bed-hopping, and she discovered that she felt better without it. She didn't feel that anybody wanted her, and that was lonely, but she didn't feel disgusted with herself, and that was actually better.

At Dartmouth Meredith talked to guys in bars so they'd want to take her home, but the night she met Derek was different. Meredith hadn't gone to Joe's for that fleeting sense that somebody wanted her. What she'd wanted was tequila to distract her from her anxiety about her first day at Seattle Grace, but Derek proved a far better distraction than tequila.

Their conversation wasn't serious or purposeful, but even so, Meredith wasn't used to talking with someone of Derek's experience and intelligence, and she had to stretch her mental powers to keep up. Meredith never valued what came easily to her, but challenge stimulated and energized her. As she strove to be mentally nimble and quick-witted she realized that she was enjoying herself, enjoying Derek, and for the first time she talked to a guy in bar for the conversation they were having, not the prospect of sex later. She recognized the chemistry between them for what it was, though she wasn't familiar with the feeling, but when she stood up to leave, she did intend to leave. That first kiss was what derailed her. She intended it to be a polite "air kiss," but Derek turned polite into sexual when he intercepted her mouth with his and made it a real kiss.

Their second kiss, outside by his car, might as well have been Meredith's first kiss. For the first time, she was attracted to a man for himself, not her psychological needs, and he was attracted to her for herself, not to satisfy an indiscriminant, hormone drenched, sex drive. Deep in her dark and twisty nature Derek's kiss planted a seed that would grow and flower, if properly nurtured, into the knowledge that she was unique and special and lovable, and that she could give love as well as receive it, and that her love would be valued. Their first night together was the first nurture the seed would receive.

In Meredith's first weeks at Seattle Grace Derek nurtured the seed in other ways. He taught and encouraged her, recognized her talent, and respected her work. He sought her out and enjoyed her company. His interest in her didn't stoke his ego at the expense of hers. He wasn't looking for the admiration of a student, and except for his secret, their relationship was between equals, equals in a larger sense, not defined by age or work.

By the time Addison arrived, the seed had put down roots and grown, and though it was small, it was strong enough to enable Meredith to withstand Derek's desertion, to know at some level, that though Derek had left her, she was capable of loving and worthy of being loved. When Ellis died, Meredith's anger at her mother died too, and the seed had more room to grow. It was self-sustaining by this time, though Meredith wasn't aware of it yet. She was still unconscious of it when it gave her the courage to ask Derek to talk, to take down the dam and put history behind them. She was still unconscious of it when she agreed to Eileen's visit and Julia's. She was still unconscious of it when it prompted her to reach out to her sisters, to offer her friendship, and potentially her love. Now, relaxing in the tub, consciousness grows.

Meredith is conscious that she is worthy of love, capable of loving, that her love will be valued. The seed Derek planted has born fruit, the idea has turned into knowledge and hardened to conviction. Meredith realizes also that Derek planted and tended to the seed, and in spite of his mistakes (and hers) it reached maturity because of him.

Who could be more worthy of its fruit?


	23. The Cat Gets Out of the Bag

**The Cat Gets Out of the Bag**

Meredith is still in the bath, thinking in a lazy way that she ought to get out and go to bed when Derek comes in their room. "Meredith?"

"I'm in the bath."

"Can I come in?"

"Of course."

He perches precariously on the edge of the tub. "I knew Julia would ask questions, but I didn't think she'd include you in the interrogation."

"I have valuable information. If she was a detective I'd be a person of interest."

"I'm surprised you wanted to talk about it."

"Well, even if Nancy wasn't gossiping, eventually they'd find out how it started, how we got together and they'd wonder what's wrong with you or with me that we ignored the ethical questions and 'dated' – it's almost funny that Julia called it 'dating' - we've only had like two actual dates. I'd be really uncomfortable around your family if it wasn't out in the open with somebody, and Julia is your closest sister, isn't she? You talk to her more often than the others."

"Did you think all that through before?"

"No, it just hit me when she said she never believed the intern gossip. What did you tell Eileen?"

"The truth, minus the part where you took advantage."

"I've always wondered why you came home with me. You're really not a one-night stand kind of man."

"I didn't expect a one-night stand. I didn't think you did."

"I expected to go home until you kissed me. I couldn't think after that."

"Animal."

"_You_ were the animal."

"In a good way?"

"Yeah."

"Anyway."

"There's an anyway?"

"A couple of anyways. But sitting on the bathtub isn't comfortable."

"I'll get out."

While Meredith dries off and puts on her bathrobe, Derek changes, but into lounging around clothes, not what he normally sleeps in. He sits in the big cushioned chair in the corner and pulls Meredith into it with him.

"Anyway?"

"I'll sleep downstairs on the couch. The kids will wake up on New York time. I'll give them breakfast and take care of them until Martin or Julia wakes up."

"OK. How many other anyways?"

"Two. Julia and Martin decided a while back that they can't afford to stay in New York forever. They planned to move when Ben is ten, this year. They're thinking of coming here."

"Wow. Did you know?"

"I knew they planned to leave the city. Julia always hated the suburbs so I'm not surprised they decided to leave the area."

"Are they considering Seattle because you're here?"

"We're here."

"They don't even know me."

Derek starts out irritated and finishes downright angry. "I'm looking forward to the day I refer to 'us' and you don't contradict me. How do you manage to live with me, sleep with me, entertain our families together, and still deny we're a couple? Is there an 'us' or am I deluding myself?"

Meredith is caught off guard. She tries to retreat from the chair but he holds onto her and says, "I'm sorry I got mad, but this has been bugging me. I say 'we' or 'our' and you contradict me. It's bad enough when we're alone, but in front of other people, my sister, it's humiliating."

Meredith has a reflexive reaction to anger, almost like an allergy. She knows she's overly sensitized to it, because Ellis was so often so angry, but she also knows Derek hasn't always been justly angry with her. She's wished that Derek would apologize when he gets mad at her since the first time it happened while he hesitated over his divorce papers. This is his first apology and she's so surprised she doesn't know how to respond.

Derek adds, "They just stopped treating me like a mental patient. Do you want them to think I'm delusional?"

"No, of course not."

"Well, help me stay out of family psych ward."

Meredith's body is still tense, her mind frozen. She can mentally handle a 24-hour shift at the hospital, she's used to concentrating on tough medical questions for long periods, but family issues are novel to her, and she processes these thoughts slowly, as if she doesn't have the right software loaded into her brain. She's doing her best with the software she has, but it isn't designed for this application. After a pause Derek asks, "Are your circuits overloaded?"

"Something like that."

He waits patiently, while Meredith relaxes slowly back into his embrace, then nudges her. "Speak."

"Woof."

"Funny."

Meredith sits up so she can look at Derek's face. "This is the first time you ever blew up at me that you apologized for it."

"Is that a big deal?"

Meredith is impatient, but not angry. "Yes, it's a big deal. I hate it when you get angry at me, just out of nowhere you get angry."

"I don't normally think of anger as a transgression in itself."

"Yeah, well, you try living with a mother whose nuclear-powered rage has a half-life of decades, and get back to me."

"OK, point taken. What about my point?"

"I get your point too, and I'm sorry for making you feel humiliated before, but I didn't in front of Julia."

"I said 'our donation' and you corrected me, you said it was mine."

"No, you said it was my donation, as in Meredith's. You didn't say 'our donation' as in Derek and Meredith's."

"Oh, right. Helen talked to both our guests about it, so I didn't mean what you thought I meant."

"Is it important that I understand that? Because I don't."

"No, it's not."

"You can't blow up like that at little kids, the way you do at me. Remember when you asked me if I thought you would be a good father and I said yes? But I wasn't really telling the truth, I actually wonder if you'd blow up at the kids. The hypothetical ones. I really liked working with the children in Pediatrics, but they can be very annoying."

"So you worry about _our_ hypothetical kids?"

"Yeah."

"Can you say it that way?"

"I worry that you'd get mad at _our_ hypothetical kids."

Derek is so pleased to hear "_our_ hypothetical kids" that he goes into McBaby mode and loses track of the discussion until Meredith repeats, "I worry that you'd get mad at _our_ hypothetical kids."

"Oh, sorry. OK. Well, I never got mad at my sisters' kids, and I spent a lot of time with them. I do know how annoying kids can be."

"I really hate it when you get angry at me and don't even acknowledge it. You seem to have this attitude that if you get mad at me, I must have done something to deserve it, so you don't have any responsibility. Sometimes I don't deserve it. It doesn't seem right to me."

"It probably isn't. But do you mind if we shelve it for a while? I have to get back downstairs in case one of the kids wakes up confused."

He can see from Meredith's face that she does mind shelving it so he tries to reassure her. "I get it. I do. I am short-tempered with you and I shouldn't be. I'm sure it's holding you back, so I'm very motivated to fix it. We'll talk about it as soon as Julia leaves. We'll talk about my temper and both our bank accounts. I'll schedule it, you won't have to remind me."

"Is that revenge, adding in the bank accounts?"

"Sort of. I don't like talking about my character flaws and you don't like talking about money, so we'll both suffer. It'll be good though, we'll know we can get through those questions."

"OK, we can shelve it for now. Was that all the anyways?"

"No. Julia and Martin don't want the kids to know about the move yet. The kids know they'll leave New York eventually, but Julia doesn't want them to worry about it until they have to worry about it."

"OK. I won't let the cat out of the bag."

Meredith stays awake for a while, pondering this new side of Derek. He willingly discussed his temper, he apologized without being asked to, and he waited patiently for her overloaded brain to catch up to his. Is this the pre-Addison Derek? Meredith loves Derek as he is, but even in their current state of peace and harmony he's not that easy to get along with. In the six months they've lived together, Meredith has realized that the biggest reason they don't argue or fight much is that she tends to be careful when he's not in a good mood, and she doesn't indulge her own moods as much as she would if she felt more free. Not indulging her moods is kind of good, she thinks, it cuts down on her old habits of whining and feeling sorry for herself. But his is the dominant personality and her moods don't affect him as much as his moods affect her. The moods aren't so bad, but if . . . Meredith decides it's time to sleep.

Meredith used to have a hard time falling asleep without Derek at her back, so they got a body cushion, a long sausage of a pillow that she curls up against when he's not in bed with her. She arranges the substitute and falls asleep.

The kids wake around 4:30. Their whispered conversation wakes Derek and he marshals them quietly through washing and brushing and changing clothes. They are in the middle of a pancake breakfast when Martin arrives in the kitchen and makes coffee, for which Derek is very thankful. The sun is coming up and the morning looks beautiful, but the forecast is for rain and the kids need to get outside while it's still dry. Derek knows a park on the way to his grocery store where they can run freely and make a lot of noise without bothering neighbors. Julia comes down to the kitchen just as they are setting off, but decides to stay and wash up and get things organized for the day.

Derek and Martin and the children have great fun in the park. They take a ball with them for kicking around, but the park has swings and a maze to climb in and around so they enjoy those first, then have a strange game of soccer, Derek and the two girls against Martin and Ben. Martin arranges with Ben ahead of time to let the girls win so Roo will play longer. They need a tired Roo so she'll take a nap, making up for the sleep she lost yesterday, and getting on a West Coast schedule. When the kids exhaust their current stock of energy, they drive to the grocery store for a snack and to pick up a few necessities.

When they get home around 10:00 Julia settles Ben and Tina in the dining room to work on the assignments they brought from school. After Roo tells Julia all about the park and the soccer and the snack and the store, Julia settles Roo into her sleeping bag. Derek, Julia and Martin congregate in the kitchen, drinking coffee, and discussing the possible move to Seattle. Julia and Martin think they can afford to buy a house, they think they can rent while they look for the right house, and they think they can do it at the end of the summer if they decide on Seattle. Jobs won't be a problem, they're both doctors, doctors can always find jobs. Julia expects that they'll know one way or another before they leave.

Julia halfway listens to Roo talking to herself, something Roo often does before she falls asleep, but can't hear what she's saying. Roo wonders where "Mary" is, whether she's woken up yet, whether Roo can find her. When Roo falls silent Julia assumes she's asleep, but actually she's laboriously climbing the stairs in search of Meredith. She looks in the guest room, the bathroom, the office and finally opens the closed door of Meredith's room to find Meredith still sleeping. Roo would rather sleep with Meredith than all by herself, so she crawls into the bed and under the covers without waking Meredith, though Meredith does dream something about a kangaroo pouch.

Julia gets up to check on Roo. Roo goes to sleep in the oddest positions, like she's tied herself into a knot, and Julia usually straightens her out once she's asleep enough not to wake up. When Julia finds the empty sleeping bag she thinks she knows where Roo is, and asks Derek to see if she's with Meredith. Derek returns with the news. "Roo is indeed sleeping with Meredith. On Meredith, actually."

"Is it cute?"

"Adorable. Roo is sprawled all over Meredith with her arms around Meredith's neck."

"Meredith must be really tired to sleep through that."

"She only wakes up to her alarm clock. Should I fetch Roo?"

"Any chance you could extract Roo without waking her up?"

"Maybe, if I could get Meredith to roll her onto on her back."

"If you don't think Meredith would mind being woken up, that would really be best. If Roo doesn't get this nap, we'll all be sorry this evening."

"OK, I'll try."

Derek's coming and going woke Meredith. She's already rolled Roo gently onto her back and lifted her, ready to carry downstairs. When Roo is safely deposited on her sleeping bag, Julia takes over while Meredith retreats to her room before anyone else sees her ratty pajamas.

When Meredith returns downstairs, Martin is helping Tina multiply fractions, Julia is lying down next to Roo, and Derek is making Meredith pancakes. The sight of Roo hugging Meredith launched him into McBaby mode, and he hasn't recovered yet. Meredith asks, "Do you know your McDreamy face, Derek?"

"I've heard that there is one, but I'm not conscious of it myself."

"Now you have a McBaby face too."

"In your imagination."

"It's really very obvious. Your sister probably saw it when we came downstairs with Roo."

"I don't think she noticed anything."

"I bet she did. Ask her."

Julia returns to the kitchen just in time to hear Meredith's suggestion. "Ask me? Ask me what?"

Derek defers to Meredith. "It's Meredith's question."

Julia turns to Meredith, who is blushing. "Derek gets a goofy expression on his face when he sees me with a baby."

"Yeah, I noticed it when he came down to tell us Roo was with you. So this is not a face he makes when he sees something generically cute?"

"No. I don't think he even recognizes generic cuteness."

"And you've seen this face before?"

"A couple of weeks ago my sisters were over to dinner and one of them, Molly, has a baby. Derek got an eyeful of me reading to the baby and the look was born."

"Interesting choice of words, that the look was 'born.' But I didn't know you had sisters."

"I didn't know myself, until last spring. I only met them recently. My father had a second family, we're half-sisters really. We're just getting to know each other."

Julia speaks before she thinks. "Nobody told you that you had sisters? What kind of parent wo . . . Oh, I'm sorry Meredith, that was really tactless of me. I must be making a terrible impression on you, laughing about your mom yesterday, criticizing your parents today."

Meredith is surprised and pleased that Julia cares about Meredith's opinion of her. She'd thought of herself needing Julia's approval, but she never thought that Julia might want Meredith's approval. Julia diverts the topic from half-sisters back to babies.

"So Derek wants a baby, does he?"

Derek is leaning on the stove, watching and listening. What he hopes to hear is Meredith telling Julia that they both want one baby and then another baby, but Meredith is still thinking about McBaby mode. Derek sees something wicked in Meredith's eye and warns her, "Don't even think about it."

"Derek, if they're going to live here, they'll hear it eventually. Wouldn't you rather they hear it from you?"

Julia is intrigued. "This is mysterious. Derek?"

"Never."

"Meredith?"

Meredith smiles at Julia, but she's still trying to reason with Derek. "You know, when she first said it, it wasn't an insult."

Derek stares skeptically at Meredith then glares at the floor. "And how long did that last?"

"How did you find out about it?"

Derek answers reluctantly. "Burke asked me who it was. After Richard's surgery."

"But you'd never heard it, had you?"

Derek groans. "This can't be happening."

"I wonder how Burke eventually found out who it was."

Derek looks up, blue eyes blazing. "Maybe he asked _his girlfriend_."

Meredith crows, "That's why Burke wouldn't call you Derek! That's why you were Dr. Burke and Dr. Shepard! Because first names lead to nicknames!"

Martin is attracted by the tumult in the kitchen. "What am I missing?"

Julia explains as much as she's able. "I think Derek was trying to engineer something and it backfired on him. He's got an embarrassing nickname."

Derek groans again and Meredith asks, "How did you know it's you, did you ask somebody?"

Derek answers "I thought Joe would know." Meredith is speechless with laughter. Julia tells Derek, "You're only prolonging the agony. Get it over with. Let her tell."

"Oh no. No. No, no, no, no."

Meredith tries to contain her laughter, partly because of Roo sleeping and partly because she doesn't want to embarrass Derek in front of his family. The history of the name "Dr. McDreamy" amongst the interns isn't that interesting, but she never considered it from the point of view of the attendings in general, and Derek in particular. So Derek learned there was a Dr. McDreamy because his rival Burke wanted to unmask the mystery doctor. And without suspicion Derek had asked Joe, the repository of hospital gossip, the identity of the unfortunate doctor nicknamed McDreamy and learned that he was the target.

Derek is trapped and he knows it but he's not willing to concede defeat yet.

"You can't tell. It'll wake up Roo."

Julia observes, "She can't tell because she can't talk. You tell."

"No."

Meredith can almost speak again when Derek tells Julia and Martin, "There _are_ disadvantages to Seattle. It rains a lot. It's like living in the shower, only with clothes on. You'd probably be happier in Portland or further south." Meredith dissolves into giggles again.

Meredith tries breathing normally, and chokes. She tries again, this time successfully, but she can't look at Derek, so she looks at their guests. "It's not really that funny or witty or clever, I mean, you'll know why he's embarrassed, but it's the history that's funny, how it started and how it spread, only you have to know all the characters, and more important" (she starts giggling again) "how he feels about these characters."

"I like Joe."

"Let's take them to Joe's."

"I still can't believe you took my Mother to Joe's."

"She wanted to see your handiwork."

Julia takes charge. "Snap out of it, you two. Tell."

Meredith tries to explain and when her giggles interrupt her, Derek interjects his own testy comments.

"My friend Cristina . . ."

"The most cynical person on the planet."

"I mean, you know what he looks like . . ."

"Yes, we all know what I look like."

"So, once she made up a name . . . and pretty soon everybody called him that . ."

"Not to my face."

"The doctors don't use it, maybe they don't know . . ."

"Unfortunately they do."

"I don't call him . . ."

"I'm pretty sure she calls me that when she's with her friends."

Julia and Martin ask in unison "Calls you WHAT?"

Meredith defers to Derek, and he cracks a resigned grin and says it.

"Dr. McDreamy."


	24. Odds and Ends

**Odds and Ends**

Friday evening the grown-ups slouch in the front room after dinner, making plans and arrangements for the week. Meredith glances over at the children in their corner where the dining room and the front room overlap. Ben is reading to Roo and Tina while the girls color. From what Meredith can hear she thinks that Ben is making up the story, but he very realistically turns the pages and points out features in the pictures.

Julia observes Meredith's interest and comments, "He combines the qualities of his oldest and youngest aunts."

"And your middle one?"

"Just exactly like her father. When his genome decides to exert itself, the other chromosomes just get out of the way."

Martin catches this remark, flashes a grin at Meredith and tilts his head toward Tina.

"And the littlest?"

"How do you know this code so well ? Even other mothers aren't usually this clever."

"I just finished a rotation in Pediatric Surgery."

"She takes after my little brother. I remember him very well at this age and they could be two peas from the same pod."

"Pod people?"

"I know the expression but I've never known what it means."

Meredith feels silly. "I don't know either. Gentlemen? Pod people. Anyone?"

Martin scores two points, "Invasion of the Body-Snatchers and Ferris Bueller's Day Off."

"Martin is a repository of culture, he's very helpful with the crossword and when you can't get some quote or some face out of your head, call him, and he'll tell you where it comes from."

"Derek told me once he cheats on the Sunday New York Times puzzle."

Julia gestures toward Martin. "There's his source. The Sunday one is hardest for Derek, because he hasn't apparently read a book or seen a movie or listened to a record since he was born. He can do the Saturday ones, though, which are much harder, I think. But tell me about your rotation. Or are you tired of thinking about it?"

"No, I really liked it. It might be my specialty, so my next four rotations are in the departments where you find the most . . . small people."

"Yeah? Which?"

"ER, Pediatric Oncology, ENT, Orthopedics."

"Have you started ER yet?"

"Next Monday and Tuesday."

"Oh, dear. Well, the first and second days are the hardest, but we'll be here to help you decompress. Both Martin and I are ER. He's surgical, I'm medical. The same hospital, so we can both bribe the guy who works out the schedules. He thinks Martin and I are having an affair."

Martin has a different sort of warmth, a glow compared to Julia's sparkle. He's as comfortable with his daughters as he is with his son, which Meredith thinks is unusual. Fathers visiting children in the Pediatric Surgery Unit keep a conversation going with sons, but with daughters the conversation was usually stilted and strained. When Tina decides she wants to watch a class at the studio where Meredith studied ballet, Martin makes the appointment. While Meredith drives he prompts Tina to tell Meredith about the ballets she's seen, and who her favorite dancer is and all about her picture collection, exactly the things a young girl might want to tell her glamorous uncle's glamorous girlfriend, but would probably be too shy to tell without parental encouragement.

Meredith's teacher, always called Mrs. B, welcomes them enthusiastically. "Meredith, darling, where have you been? It's been years! But you look just the same as when you left me." Mrs. B turns to Martin. "I lost my best dancers that year, Meredith and Leesa." She refocuses on Meredith. "Leesa is teaching for me, darling, the junior school classes, she'll be so thrilledyou came in." And finally she addresses Tina, who is hanging onto her father's hand, "Are you interested in ballet, dear? Meredith came to me when she was just your age, I think, and she left such a wonderful dancer. Are you nine, dear?" Tina nods eagerly and the teacher asks, "Have you studied before?" Tina looks to Meredith and Meredith translates, "Taken any lessons." Tina shakes her head, still wordless, but fascinated by Mrs. B.

Meredith introduces Mrs. B and Martin introduces himself and Tina, and explains the reason for their visit. Mrs. B addresses Tina again, "I wish all my students had such smart fathers, it would save so much time and money. Some people like to watch ballet and some people like to dance and others like both! But who knows till you try?" She turns again to Meredith. "It's a pointe class right now, darling, but every weekday 2:30 to 4:30 Leesa teaches years 6-to-7 and 8-to-9." She looks at Tina again. "They do the very same work, dear, but the older girls are stronger, and we don't want to the young ones to feel shy. Has Meredith shown you any exercises and steps, dear?"

Finally Tina speaks, "She showed me pas de chat and balancé. And plié and tendu. Can I see the pointe class, please please please?" Her eyes beseech Mrs. B, who is kind but firm. "You've seen lots of pointe work, dear, in performances. And I bet you talked Meredith into showing you her shoes, didn't you, dear?" Tina nods. "And she stood in them?" Tina nods again. "So what you want is to see what your class would be like. That's how you'll know." She asks Meredith, "Can you come Monday? I'll tell Leesa to expect you." Tina looks beseechingly at Martin who smiles at her, and says "We'd love to. Is the 3:30 class Tina's age?" Mrs. B confirms that it is and asks Meredith "You'll be here, darling?"

But Meredith has to work, and Tina jumps in "She's a DOCtor. She works at the HOSpital." Mrs. B. answers her. "Isn't she wonderful? She can do anything, dear, just anything. You look like you'll be just like that. Do you like school?" Tina nods again, back in her shell now, but Mrs. B smiles at her before she says to Meredith "I saw about your mother, may she rest in peace, in the paper, I was so sorry, but I didn't realize you were back in Seattle, darling, you should have called. And I saw your name a few weeks ago, something to do with a clinic, your name and another doctor's, and a lot of money."

Meredith tries to divert attention back to Tina. "Yes, we had a fund-raising event for the free clinic. I'll send Leesa a note with Tina, OK?" As they prepare to leave Mrs. B urges Meredith to come in for class, and Meredith hugs her gratefully and kisses her on both cheeks and says that at any rate, she'll see Mrs. B very soon and thanks and give her love to Leesa. Mrs. B shakes hands with Martin and takes Tina's hand as she reminds them "Monday at 3:30. Leesa will be so glad!"

When they're back in the car Tina leans forward and asks "Daddy? What's dollling? Why did she call Meredith dollling?"

"Darling is like dear or sweetheart, but darling is special for people Meredith's age."

"Meredith? Who's Leeza?"

"Leesa was my best friend in high school. We met each other in Mrs. B's intermediate class."

"Meredith? Does Mrs. B have a whole name?"

"You know, Tina, I've called her Mrs. B as long as I can remember, and I don't know what it stands for. I think it's long and hard to pronounce and that's why she has people call her Mrs. B."

"Meredith? Is she from New York?"

"Yes, she is. She's from Queens. Did you recognize her accent?"

"Ben's teacher talks just like her."

On Sunday Martin takes the children to the park, once again to tire them out, because Meredith's going to look after them for a few hours while Julia and Martin and Derek visit realtors. Meredith and Derek and Julia are finishing their breakfast and Julia is compiling facts from Meredith's biography: Dartmouth and Harvard and interests and travels. She asks if Meredith has ever spent time in New York.

"Just once last fall with Derek."

"Derek! What were you doing in New York without telling anyone?"

"I told Mom."

"You and Mom have too many secrets these days. Did you want to show Meredith the city without the large loud family aspect?"

"I did that, but the main reason for the trip was to sell the brownstone."

"Addie's brownstone?"

"Yes."

"Why didn't Addie sell it herself?"

"Technically it was mine."

"Should I not pry? I could keep myself from prying. It would be very difficult and painful, but I could do it. I might have to be silent the rest of the visit, but I could if you want me to not pry."

"You can pry. I'm not keeping secrets. All the facts will emerge eventually."

"So, how was it technically your brownstone?"

"I really don't know where to start."

"The beginning . . . ?"

"Everything that's the beginning of one thing is the middle of something larger."

"If I ask the nosy questions?"

"That would help."

"Addie gave it to you because . . . ?"

"She thought of it as reparation for lying about, or rather, not telling me about the months she lived with Mark. We would have divorced right away, had she told me the whole truth. It would have saved a lot of misery."

"Did you think of it as reparation?"

"No, I thought of it as paying me a lot of money so she wouldn't feel guilty and I didn't want it. So it sat there."

"Stalemate?"

"Stalemate."

"What broke the stalemate?"

"Meredith."

"Meredith?"

Julia and Derek both look at Meredith, who looks a bit panicky. "What are you two looking at?"

Derek suggests to Julia, "Ask her some nosy questions."

"Can I ask you nosy questions, Meredith?"

"Well . . . Derek can't you . . . ?"

"You were the catalyst, you tell her."

Meredith resigns herself. "OK, ask."

"Did you want Derek to have the brownstone?"

"No, I wanted him to forgive Addison about the lying. She didn't . . . I mean, I know she's more materialistic than . . . well, people who aren't rich, but I think what she wanted was to know Derek forgave her. The only way she would know that was if he let her give him something, and the only thing she had with his name still attached was the brownstone. The first thing she said when he told her he'd take the house, she asked him if he finally forgave her. She had to call back when she stopped crying."

"She did really love him."

"I know."

"So you wanted Derek to forgive Addie and you wanted Addie to know that he forgave her."

"Right. So he accepted the brownstone and sold it and gave the money to the clinic foundation."

Derek interrupts, "Who gave the money to the clinic foundation?"

"Derek, I really can't take credit for that, I just can't."

So Derek sets the record straight for Julia. "We donated the money. Together. Meredith is shy about it. She doesn't give herself any credit for her part in this melodrama. In the beginning of a major fund-raising project large donors entice other large donors when there's a name attached. Donating anonymously would deprive the clinic. I thought about giving it in Addie's name, but that was too complicated. The money wasn't really mine, and I wouldn't have had it to give if it hadn't been for Meredith, so there it is."

"Meredith, why did you care if he forgave Addie?"

"Oh. Well, there's two reasons really. One is, they both did the same thing, she didn't tell him about Mark, he didn't tell me about Addison. Once he accepted that I forgave him, he really couldn't not forgive Addison."

"Is . . . can I ask about the other reason?"

Derek watches Meredith sympathetically as she tries to explain. "Well, . . . um, my mother, Ellis. While she was married, to my father I mean, she had an affair. With a man who was married. She thought the man would leave his wife to be with her. But he didn't. Ellis, um, she believed the reason he didn't leave his wife to be with her was because she had a child, me. And she was angry with me, she never forgave me, you know, for . . . being born. She said once "That child should never have been born." Maybe she had thought about abortion. I don't know. Ellis talked about it a lot in the nursing home, she didn't recognize me but she talked to anybody, this is what was always on her mind. So she never forgave me. I didn't know any of this when I was . . . until she talked in the nursing home here. . . . so I know what it feels like living out your life knowing someone's angry with you. I think you feel it even if you don't see the person. It's like a black cloud over your head. And I know what it's like not to forgive. When my mother died she stopped being angry with me, I didn't have to be angry back. It was such a relief. So, you know, they'd both be better off, Derek and Addison, if Derek forgave her and Addison knew it. And me too. I don't want to live around any more permanent anger. So . . . did it make any sense? I babble sometimes and don't make any sense." She glances desperately at Derek. "Did it make any sense?"

Julia voice is very gentle and kind. "Yes, dear, I think it made sense, it's very clear. I think what Derek was trying to do when he put your name on the donation was to say thank you, to you personally, but in a public way."

Derek sounds surprised. "That's right! I never put it that way, but that's exactly right."

Julia smiles at Meredith. "He's just a brain surgeon, we don't expect him to understand what goes on in his own brain."

Derek looks anxiously at Meredith. She smiles her sweet smile, gets up from her chair, puts her arms around Derek from behind, and kisses his cheek. "It's OK, Derek. I just didn't understand. But now I understand. So, you're welcome."

Julia observes, "Aw, you two are just . . . dreamy."

Later that night Meredith writes a note to her old friend Leesa:

"Darling! Leesa,

"I'm sorry I lost touch while I was in Europe. I think I still have the last postcard I wrote you. I got a call in the middle of the night, my mother was very ill, and I had to catch the next flight. It turned out to be early onset Alzheimer's. We stayed in Boston 4 years for her treatment, I went to medical school there, and we came back here, hoping Seattle would keep some of her memory alive. She died last spring, a heart attack. She hated having Alzheimer's, so she wasn't sorry to go. You probably know how I feel about it.

"I'm a resident at Seattle Grace now, it's my second year. I might choose pediatric surgery as my specialty. Remember when we used to teach the little kids now and then for Mrs. B? They are really more fun than adults. And now you teach them every day. Do they stay fun day after day?

"Tina is my boyfriend's niece and Martin is his brother-in-law. My boyfriend is a doctor, a surgeon, also at Seattle Grace. We're living at the old house, and ready to marry . . . when I'm ready. Any minute now! The house looks good, Ellis left some money so we modernized about half of it. We'll do the rest this summer.

"And what about you? Mrs. B didn't tell me any more than that you're teaching. I wish I could see you very soon but I start my ER rotation tomorrow and I'm afraid of what it will do to me. ER is allegro – your style – there isn't an adagio section at the hospital, but I've been able to keep up until now. But ER scares me!

"I hope your mother is well. I'm still very grateful for all the rides, dinners and sleepovers. I doubt I showed as much gratitude as I felt back then. Maybe when I catch my breath I can return her hospitality. Normally I can't cook, but I made a vegetable lasagna for my sisters – oh, I have secret half-sisters, I discovered them last spring, met them last fall. They're very nice and treat me like their sister. They always knew they had a big sister, but it was soap operaesque for me. No world's-biggest-emerald-but-it's-cursed though. For that you have to be in a sit-com and a soap opera, I guess.

"Here's all my numbers, the first two have voice mail, and my email. If we'd had email in school, would we have gotten caught passing rude notes about Miss Waggoner? (There's a doctor at Seattle Grace who could fix that chin, maybe I should hunt her down and get her a consult as an apology.)

"love,

"Meredith"

The nexr day Leesa has a note ready for Tina to take to Meredith:

"Darling Dr. Grey,

"Mrs. B saw your name in the paper a few weeks ago and she swore you would show up at the studio soon. And you did! She seems to be psychic. Does she know where you've been the last 6 years? Well, where?

"She makes me call her Alma now that we're 'colleagues.' I adjusted very slowly. My mother is still adjusting. My dad didn't even try.

"So you're a doctor now! I hope your mother climbed down her pedestal and was at least sort of almost a little bit supportive. Mrs. B saw her obituary; she didn't have any psychic insights then. We just hoped it wasn't hard on you. If we'd had a clue you were here – but the article didn't say, it was more of a biographical story. I wish I'd just called the house.

"I teach math to grades 5-8, like I planned at UW. The principal is trying to get me over to the high school. I might, some day, when I'm tougher. The math would be more interesting, but high-school brats? Remember how mean we were to Mr. Pffeifer? Poor Mr. Turkey-neck.

"You remember my friend Dell from UW? We started going out a few years ago and now we're engaged. I hope you haven't scheduled another alien abduction for the first of August. That's my wedding date. How do you feel about frou-frou bridesmaid frocks? Or just wearing a dress of your own and standing behind me, in case I faint? It's just a small wedding, not fancy.

"I've been living at home the last couple of years, saving money so Dell and I have something to start out with (he just finished his PhD). So you know the number. Call me!

"Love,

"Leesa"

Molly sends an email:

"Hi Meredith,

"I hope you're having a good time with your visitors from New York. After all these years in Seattle, maybe you've finally made it to the Space Needle.

"Did you know the SG daycare hired me? Just like you thought, there are qualifications, but I can work days and take classes at community college at night. So I really needed my Dad to sober up. And just like you predicted, he started AA the day after I talked to him.

"A couple of days ago I told him we've been seeing you and you encouraged me to go for the daycare. I didn't tell him everything, just that you were helpful talking about Eric, and finding a way to be independent. Also that you are FUN! He wants to see you.

"You know how at AA one of the steps is to talk to the people they've hurt, to make amends, etc? I don't think there's anyone except you. He told me that it's been eating away at him for years, how he abandoned you, and then it got even worse. I don't know what happened myself. But he really feels bad, I can tell that.

"Do you want to see him? Do you want to NOT see him? Maybe you're not ready to have him needing this from you. So, what I want to know is, how do you feel about talking to him, if you put yourself first? I mean, really think about what you want before what my Dad needs or wants. If you can tell me how you feel about it, I can encourage him, or not encourage him. I mean, it's his job. They're supposed to do it on their own. But I don't think encouragement would be wrong, do you? If you feel like encouraging him.

"So, come up to the daycare when you have a minute and see me and Davey. He's really happy with all these other kids. And I love the job. Davey will remember you. He talked about "AuntM house" for a couple of days after. I don't know how to spell his words. Lexie is EX! You're two syllables, but he only said it for a couple of days, so I couldn't really imitate it now.

"See you soon?

"Molly"

Meredith replies:

"Hi Molly,

"Congratulations on the job, and for your dad. It's not easy to have that talk, for the talker or the talkee. You must have said all the right things.

"The visit is good. Great even. I'm really happy. The most exciting news is that they are probably going to move to Seattle. They knew they'd leave New York around this time, and Seattle was the obvious choice since Derek is here. Julia is Derek's favorite sister, her husband is wonderful, and their kids are really great kids. Roo, she's three, she would love to play with Davey. They'll still be here at the weekend, would you want to come over for lunch or dinner or the afternoon on Saturday? Julia would love to meet you and Lexie; she's got four sisters and can't imagine life without them. She thought I was sisterless, she's glad that it turns out I'm not.

"About Thatcher, yeah, I think it would be OK. I know about the step, but not specifically what they have to say or do, but at a minimum we could break the ice. That much would be fine. You could encourage that, and the idea that it doesn't have to be done all at once. Thanks for asking.

"I start ER tomorrow, Mon and Tues, then I'm on vacation/off until the next Monday. ER is freaking me out a little, I have a feeling that I won't be able to break away long enough to use the toidy. (This is a word I learned in Pediatrics. Also "loo.") So if I don't make it to daycare for the next three months, that's why. Then I start ENT, which is fairly slow. I'll see you more then.

"Email if you want to come over? And would you ask Lexie for me? I usually see her at work, but just in case I don't.

"Meredith"

Surprise email from Cristina:

"You're in McDreamyland so I can't tell you this personally.

"I'm going back to Stanford for a cardio-thoracic surgery fellowship. Usually they take 3rd or 4th year residents, but I thought if the committee talked to Burke I might get it. I just gave his name, I don't know where he is. So, whatever, I got it. I leave in July. We'll celebrate before I go.

"Having fun with McRelativity?

"Cristina"

Meredith writes to her college friend Anna:

"Dear Anna,

"I'm glad you keep your address in the alumni files, unlike me. I followed your good example and added mine. If we have an ESP thing going between us maybe I'll get a letter from you at the same time.

"If I had to summarize the last six years since I ditched you in Glasgow it would go something like this: pppfffppaaagghhhrria'pjghnnoooopfppdppdppt/akfdha bOUCH(fuk).

"Which brings us to the present.

"I'm a surgical resident at Seattle Grace Hospital in my second year. I might specialize in Pediatric Surgery, but I don't have to decide for another year or so. I'm very happy that I chose medical school. The work is great.

"My mother had early onset Alzheimer's, that was the emergency. I got my MD while she was trying to save her brain in Boston, then we came back to Seattle, hoping that being here would be better for her. She didn't recognize me most of the time, but she talked a lot, and incidentally answered a lot of questions about why things were the way they were. It was painful but ultimately useful. I don't want to write it down, I'll tell you when I see you. She died last spring of a heart attack. She wasn't sorry to go; she hated having Alzheimer's.

"My mother left me the old house and that's where I live now. It was my grandmother's, my mother's, now it's mine. My boyfriend lives with me. Imagine it, Anna, I have a boyfriend, a real relationship, with talking and working things out, just like normal people. There was a lot of angst involved at the beginning, and in the middle, and it wasn't even all my fault, but we're fine now. He's a surgeon too. His sister and her family are visiting us right now, they have three great kids. They're going to move from New York City to Seattle at the end of the summer. His mother spent a month with us after New Year's. She's wonderful. There are three more sisters and husbands, and eleven more kids I haven't met yet. They all lived in New York until Derek moved to Seattle a couple of years ago. Oh, and his name is Derek. We'll probably get married, but I'm not quite ready. It's funny, I'm actually certain that we will marry, I'm just not ready for that to be public knowledge. So don't tell anyone.

"Much to my surprise, I learned last spring that my father (another long sad story) still lives in Seattle and had a second family and . . . . I have two sisters! We're still getting to know each other, but like sisters getting to know each other, not like strangers getting to know each other. I had a hard time at first, jealousy and general hostility, but I got over it a couple of months ago, and now we see each other regularly. Lexie is a surgical resident here, and Molly was a stay-at-home Mom (of the most adorable baby boy) but she decided to work, and she's also at Seattle Grace, in the daycare center. What will be really weird is if Derek's sister, Julia, and her husband, Martin, also work at Seattle Grace. They are both doctors too, ER doctors. Eventually the HR department will collect us all for a meeting to remind us that there are other hospitals in the city, we don't all have to work at the same one.

"So, what are you doing in Denver? Is it fun? How was the rest of Scotland with Rob Roy? Why did we call him Rob Roy anyway? Do you sing? Are you dating anyone? Do you like your work? Do you have any secret sisters stashed away? How's your mom and dad? Do you still like me even though you haven't heard one word since I caught the next flight? Really, when I tell you everything that happened, you'll understand. It would make a gripping TV drama.

"So, pleeeease write back. But if I don't get a letter for six years, I'll understand.

"Love,

"Meredith"

The visitors are gone but they'll be back. Julia and Martin both have tentative job offers, they're in constant contact with a realtor, and they'll be back in August. Eileen will come too, to help with the children. Meredith is trying to quickly arrange the next phase of remodeling to bring the kitchen up to date and add a bathroom on the first floor. She already invited Julia to stay if they need a place for a couple of nights, or weeks.

Thatcher shows up at the house one day when Meredith has a day off, Izzie is cleaning, and Derek is at the hospital. Izzie answers the door and fetches Meredith. Even though Meredith expected Thatcher eventually, it's a horribly awkward moment. Izzie jumps in helpfully.

"Meredith, why don't you go to the back porch and I'll bring out some coffee and the muffins?"

Meredith smiles at Izzie gratefully and introduces her. "Thatcher, this is Izzie Stevens, she started the free clinic at Seattle Grace with our first resident, Dr. Bailey."

Izzie offers her hand and she and Thatcher shake, and the tension drops a little. Meredith leads the way to the porch and they sit at the table. Thatcher points his chair at the yard so he doesn't have to look at Meredith. Meredith points her chair halfway between the yard and Thatcher, so she won't seem to be avoiding him or staring at him. She realizes she called him Thatcher to his face, and she's glad it came out naturally. She's willing to forgive the past, but she's not willing to consider him her father. He's her sisters' father.

Thatcher seems to be casting about for neutral topics and comes up with "The, uh – the, the house looks good, better. Have you . . .you've been remodeling?"

"We did the first round in the winter. We're about to launch another project."

There's a pause.

"Is, so, is Izzie, uh – does she live with you?"

"No, I live with Derek Shepard, you met him here at dinner. I'm one of Izzie's cleaning clients. She runs the administration of the clinic and she doesn't pay herself much, so she cleans on the side. Sometimes she very kindly bakes something, she's a wonderful baker."

There's a pause.

"So, your – Lexie and Molly, I mean – they tell me you've – uh, they've gotten to know you."

"Yeah, we started getting together in February. They come over for dinner every couple of weeks when Lexie and I both have the evening free. They're helping me learn to cook by eating what I produce. And they met Derek's sister and her family. Derek's sister has a little girl, three years old, she and Davey were great together."

Another pause.

Izzie brings in a tray of coffee and cups and muffins and plates, and asks "Thatcher, do you take milk or sugar in your coffee?"

Thatcher can talk to Izzie without fumbling. "No thanks, I drink it black. Thank you for the coffee and muffins."

"Oh, you're welcome. Enjoy!"

The coffee and muffins provide a momentary distraction, and Meredith hopes Thatcher will get to the point soon. There's a pause.

There's another pause, then maybe the caffeine kicks in or maybe Thatcher practiced these sentences.

"Molly told you I've joined Alcoholics Anonymous?"

"Yes, she did."

"She said the daycare job was your suggestion."

"We were all brainstorming really."

"They're so glad they've finally met their 'big sister.' They've been dreaming about it since they were kids."

"The stories they made up about the 'big sister' are adorable. I wish I could tell the bed to make itself."

"Lexie tells me you graduated 14th in your class at Harvard."

"Yeah, I did. I don't tell people though, so . . ."

"Why? It's something to be proud of."

"Oh, you know. It's the patients that really matter, the surgery and the patient care."

"I have so much to apologize for. I knew you were here while the girls were making up those stories. I was - I, I just couldn't – I didn't know how to face your mother."

"I understand. She was pretty ferocious."

"Do you know the 12 steps of AA?"

"Not really."

"We have to seek out the people we hurt and apologize, make reparation when we can."

"I see."

"There are so many ways I failed you."

"That's true. But I'm fine now, my life is good. I'm not angry at you, or bitter. I was, but I'm not anymore."

"Lexi showed me her mother's chart, explained all the decisions and the odds of each reaction. She said the hospital didn't do an M&M conference, Susan's death wasn't considered avoidable by the senior staff."

"That's true. It was freakish, but there were no errors in her care."

"I'm sorry I hit you."

"Yeah, that was pretty bad."

"You haven't forgiven that?"

"Well, it freed me. Ellis died and you hit me, and I kind of realized that nothing had changed. There was no empty space in my heart or my life where the mom and dad would have been. I stopped being jealous that Lexie and Molly had parents and I didn't. I have what I have and they have what they have. And not being jealous of them removed the barrier that kept me from wanting to be sisters. So it led to a good thing. Even though it was horrible."

"So you don't want me as your dad?"

"That's not quite right, Thatcher. It isn't what I want or don't want. The window of opportunity is closed. I'm trying to think of an analogy but I can't seem to . . . maybe a broken bone. The broken bone is like being without a father. A surgeon can put a pin in the bone holding them together, that would be like a father coming back into my life because he wanted me. Or the surgeon can set the bone and let it heal itself. And that's what happened. The space between the two ends is filled in. There's no room for the pin now."

"The window of opportunity is closed."

"Yes."

"And you don't feel like you had a mother either?"

"My line is that I was raised by three wolves who lived down the basement."

"It seems like they did a good job."

"I've come a long way since last year. Up until then I think the jury was out on how I'd turn out."

"I'm sorry I wasn't there to help the wolves."

"I understand what was going on then. Ellis didn't recognize me in the nursing home, and her affair with Dr. Webber is about all she talked about."

"A braver man would have exerted his fatherhood."

"That's true. But nobody can change the past. Isn't there something in AA about accepting the things you can't change? The past is past. The present is that you've got two lovely daughters and I have two lovely sisters and a nephew. It's more family than I had last year."

"And there's no place for me in it, in your family?"

"You're my sisters' father, that's a familial relationship. It's distant, but we are distant."

"So I'll see you sometimes."

"I expect so."

"With Lexie and Molly."

"Right."

"I'm glad you three found each other."

"Me too."

"Well, thank you for uh – letting me barge in on you with my AA task."

Meredith stands up, hoping Thatcher will understand and he does, so she leads the way back to the front door.

"You're welcome. I'm glad if I could help."

"I guess you did help. I thought you'd be angry. You have a right to be angry. This step is not – people don't expect it to be as easy – you, uh – you made it a lot easier than I had any right to expect."

"I'm glad I helped then."

They've reached the front door so she opens it and smiles at Thatcher, actually looking at him, which she never really did during the time while Susan tried to bring them together, and says "Take care!"

He thanks her again and she waves from the porch and it's over.

She didn't expect it to be that easy either. She's grateful that he accepted the limitations she placed on their relationship. Probably he doesn't want more. And for the first time in her life, that thought doesn't hurt.


	25. The Ring of Engagement

**The Ring of Engagement**

"Why do you hate talking about money so much? Why is it a big deal?"

"I really don't know."

"You can dig deeper than that."

"Why do you hate talking about your character flaws?"

"I strive for perfection." Meredith looks as skeptical as she feels, and Derek can't help laughing. "Do you not think I strive for perfection?"

"In the OR you do. With patients or your family and children you do. With other people I think you think they should strive for perfection on your account so they don't annoy you."

"Ouch!" It's a two-syllable ouch, indicating real shock and pain.

"You asked."

Meredith and Derek are attempting the anger/money talk. Rain is pouring, so the ferry and the 40 acres aren't appealing alternatives to the house, but the house isn't comfortable either, with workers in the kitchen pounding and banging, installing new cabinets and appliances now that the floor is refinished, the walls are depapered and freshly painted, and the wiring and plumbing are upgraded.

"What _do_ you like about me?"

"You seriously don't know what I like about you?"

"Some are born insecure, some achieve insecurity."

"It was a yes or no question."

"Yes, at this moment."

"OK. The night I met you, remember? I wanted to ignore you, but I couldn't because talking to you was fun. You're smarter than anyone I know, so it's a challenge keeping up with you, that's fun for me. So, one. Another thing is you're a grown-up. I feel older than I really am, a lot of people my age seem kind of childish. Before Addison came to Seattle you always treated me like we were equals. I liked that. That's two. You strive for perfection in your work, I couldn't respect anyone who doesn't. Three. Well . . . sex. That's four. You take care of me in some ways, I take care of you in other ways. That's five. The way you feel about your family, six. Do you need more?"

"I'm enjoying it. Is there more?"

"All my life I never felt that I could love or be loved, until you. Seven. You're faithful. I mean, I know we cheated on Addison at that dance, but it was kind of an explosive situation. Eight. You try new things, you're not afraid of risk, you're adventurous. Nine. You like dogs and kids and simple things like the land and the trailer. Ten. You're funny, we laugh a lot. Eleven. More?

"Make it a dozen."

"You're stunningly beautiful, but you don't use your appearance to take advantage of people or intimidate people like Addison or Mark do. Twelve."

"They do?"

"Yeah, they do. You can't be manipulated that way because on your worst day you're more beautiful than either of them on their best days, but ordinary people like me feel it. Addison made us feel even grubbier than we were with her perfect hair and clothes and legs and make-up. Mark makes people feel great when he pays attention to them, and invisible when he doesn't. You don't even seem to know you're beautiful. That's very rare."

"You're not ordinary."

"I am, actually. I'm attractive, but in an ordinary way."

"You're beautiful."

"You just think that because you love me. Addison's beautiful. I'm ordinary attractive."

"I don't just think that because I love you, you are beautiful."

"Thanks."

"You don't believe me."

"I believe that you think it. That's really all that matters, isn't it?"

"You don't see people looking at you when we go out? On the rare occasion that we go out?"

"I hate to break it to you Derek, but it's you they're looking at."

"Don't be ridiculous. People never looked my way till I started hanging out with you."

Meredith smiles, a little smile at first, but it grows and grows. "You amaze me, you really do. Everybody assumes you're vain, that you must be vain, because nobody could be so beautiful and not be vain. And you're not. You're so _not_ vain that you think when people look at you . . . you think they're looking at me. And they're not. I can't make eye contact with them. That's how I know they're not looking at me."

"Are you trying to make me vain?"

"No, I don't like vanity. I like that you're confident in your work, you earned that. I wouldn't like it if you were vain about your looks, because it's just DNA, you didn't do anything to deserve it. It's just a freak of nature."

"So why do you think that I think other people should strive for perfection – what did you say before?"

"I think you think people who aren't patients or students or children or your family should strive for perfection on your account so they don't annoy you."

"What makes you think that?"

"Actually, I think the criteria is really more specific, it's people whose approval you're not looking for. You're never short or irritable with Dr. Bailey, because she won't let on that she likes you and you want her to like you. But I begged you to want me and ever since then, you know you've got me. So you don't work for it."

"I don't feel that I've got your approval right now."

"Well, we're talking about your character flaws."

"Let's talk about yours."

"OK. I'm whiny, I have a tendency to feel sorry for myself, I can be envious and jealous. I'm not very aware of people's feelings, people that aren't important to me – like George when he had a crush on me. I guess that would make me self-absorbed. I have some of Thatcher's weaknesses, like the drinking. George said I was selfish, I'm not sure about that."

"You're not selfish. Look at the way you took care of your mother."

"That wasn't generosity. I was still hoping she'd wake up one day and love me." Derek tries to take remarks like these in stride but this one is too much for him, he looks so distressed that Meredith reaches across the table for his hand. "Don't look like that. It's all in the past."

"It breaks my heart when you say things like that."

"People are hard-wired to love their parents. It's a survival thing. Parents are supposed to be hard-wired to love their children. Ellis wasn't wired correctly."

"What about Thatcher?"

"He loves Lexie and Molly. He's capable of love. I think he probably saw me as an extension of Ellis, especially when Susan died, until the other day."

"What 'other day'?"

"He came around on his AA mission to apologize and stuff." Meredith briefly recaps the conversation she had with Thatcher.

"Did you know he was coming?"

"Molly emailed to ask if she should encourage him or just leave it, so I knew he was thinking about it. The email came while Julia was here, I didn't have a chance to tell you."

"But you had time to think about it."

"Yeah."

"Is the window of opportunity closed, or were you just making it easy for him?"

"No, it's closed. I mean, he did seem willing to take on some responsibility, which I didn't feel that he really wanted, so yeah, he did get off easy. I didn't realize it myself until I said it, but it's true that Ellis died and Thatcher hit me but there were no empty spaces where the parents should have been. When Thatcher hit me I wasn't upset because I lost a father, I was angry that I never had a father. But you know that AA mantra about accepting the things you can't change? So that happened, I accepted it, and everything got easier."

"And after that you hauled me down to the cafeteria and made me nervous."

"Yeah, I guess that was chronological order."

"You're making me nervous again."

"Treat 'em mean and keep 'em keen."

"You lost me there."

"I learned that in Ireland. That's how you keep your 'young fella' in line."

"Does it work on the women?"

"When the men do it, it's usually domestic violence."

"You are in a very strange mood today. What is it?"

"I think I just got very depressed."

"Why? Was it Thatcher?"

"I haven't had a chance to think about it until now, so that might be part of it."

"What else?"

"What I said before. 'I begged you to want me and ever since then, you know you've got me. So you don't work for it.' I see myself standing on the bridge twelve years from now, trying to get your attention and you're saying impatiently 'Now is not the time, Meredith.' and walking away from me in front of the whole hospital." Derek looks bewildered, puzzled, a deer in the headlights, wondering where this thing bearing down on him came from and why he didn't see it coming. "Do you remember the first time you got mad and yelled at me?"

"No."

"But it breaks your heart when I say things like that about Ellis." She can't go on, she lays her forehead on her arms on the table and falls silent. She's crying, but silently, so Derek doesn't realize. All the hurt she ever endured from Derek's anger is accumulated somewhere but she never tried to deal with it until now. She doesn't know how to deal with it.

Because Ellis's anger never softened, Meredith never figured out how to recover from it, to repair its damage, to forgive or be forgiven, to forget. When Ellis and her anger died, they became part of Meredith's past, and Meredith accepted that the past was what it was and couldn't be changed. The future, though – that was hers to shape as she wished; she could let the future be poisoned by the past, or she could build better a better future, with lessons learned from the past but not poisoned by it.

She needs to know how to handle someone else's anger, specifically Derek's, but she never learned how to do that. Until now, in the rebuilding of their relationship she's known what to do, what she wanted, what she would or would not accept. Now she's stuck.

After a few minutes in bewildered silence Derek comes around the table to Meredith, sits beside her, puts his hand gently on her neck, his fingers comb her hair away from her face and he realizes she's crying. He gets up again and disappears behind the sheet of plastic that keeps the dust from the kitchen out of the dining room. When he reappears he says "Come on Meredith, let's go upstairs." It's more a command than a request, and she doesn't feel like fighting it, so she follows him up the stairs into their room, shuts the door and leans on it. He brings a wet cloth from the bathroom and wipes her face and takes her hand to pull her into the cushioned chair in the corner with him.

"What do you do when people get mad at you?"

"I don't know."

"What did you do when your mother yelled at you?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing? You didn't say anything at all?"

"Not most of the time, there wasn't any point, she would just get more angry."

"And when I get mad at you, you don't usually say anything."

"Once I did."

"I remember." Derek pauses and thinks. "I don't think it's true, what you said about not working for your approval. I think there's another explanation, but I don't know what it is."

"Is it because I'm younger?"

"I don't think of you as younger."

"Who else do you get mad at?"

"Addison. Mark. Nancy when she wants to make me mad."

"That's a fine group to be in."

"I understand. It's not the same with you though. You never betrayed me, or lied to me, or took advantage of me, or broke my trust. Though I have done all that to you."

"You let it go. I let it go. I don't want to hear about it for the rest of my life."

"You won't."

"Why do you get mad at them for such big things and get mad at me for such little things?"

"What are some of the things I've gotten mad at you about?"

"The first time was when you didn't sign the divorce papers you said you didn't have to think about, so I broke up with you, which you ignored and kept chatting at me like we were still a couple, you with your unsigned divorce papers and me wanting to get back to work. So you yelled at me about the eleven Thanksgivings and Christmases and a little understanding from me would be nice. And stomped off."

"I wanted to sign the divorce papers, but I wasn't sure it was morally the right thing to do. I wanted to be with you, and you broke up with me. I was already hurt and you hurt me more. So I hurt you back." He pauses and thinks. "I've done that before. To you."

"George. And Finn."

"Did you really like him?"

"Derek!"

"Meredith!"

"Why do you ask?"

"I'm morbidly curious about whether you really liked him."

"So what do you want the answer to be?"

"Hell no!"

"That's what you want the answer to be?"

"Yes."

"That's not the answer."

"What is the answer?"

"What was the question?"

"You're teasing me in the middle of a discussion about my temper?"

"What was the question?" She hopes he'll drop it.

"You _are_ teasing me in the middle of a discussion about my temper."

"I've forgotten the question."

"Did. You. Really. Like. Dandridge."

"He was nice to me. He seemed like a good person, and I was trying to move on."

"So you didn't really like him?" Meredith bounces out of the chair, infuriated.

"Oh, for fuck's sake, Derek! You were with Addison. Addison had my dog. My dog was dying. You were mean. I was trying to keep my head above water and you're asking me whether I really liked the raft I was clinging to? We don't ask ourselves whether we like the raft, we just cling."

"I guess you answered both the question and the question of why I shouldn't have asked it."

"Whether you should have asked it, not why."

"Why?"

"Why what."

"Why should I not ask?"

"Because you're trying to salve your ego at my expense."

"Is that what I did?"

"You dug the hole, you climb out."

"I never let go of you, not in my heart. The situation was dragging on, but I'd told Addie I loved you. I thought she was beginning to get it. If she left, I wouldn't have to push her. I admit I was procrastinating, but I also thought it was better for you and me and her if she left on her own."

Meredith sits down on the bed, but remains silent.

"Of course, you didn't know that. Also, I was still jealous even after you broke up with him."

"How can you still be jealous of someone I broke up with?"

"Because I was insanely jealous. That's the insane part, that I was still jealous."

"Well, get over it."

"I'm over it."

"And stay over it."

"I'm forever over it. Now if I apologize very very nicely and fetch you one of those root beers you said were fabulous, will you forgive my morbid curiosity?"

Meredith mutters something that Derek takes as agreement and he leaves to get the root beers. While he's gone Meredith takes over the chair in such a way as to keep Derek out of it. He has to assert himself to reclaim his spot in the chair, or think of an alternative, so he gets the blue leather chair out of the office and parks it across from her, sits and gives her a root beer.

"What's another time I got mad at you?"

"When I fainted at Christmas."

"I was worried. I didn't know where you were for about two hours."

"So you got mad when you were hurt, and you got mad when you were jealous, and you got mad when you were worried. Have you ever gotten mad at me because you were mad?"

There's a long pause. "I'm thinking," Derek says when Meredith nudges him with her toe. "When you didn't want to live happily ever after yet. I was angry then. I wasn't justified but I was angry."

"Yeah, I don't know what to say about that."

"I don't either."

"Getting mad is a fight or flight thing, it tells you something is wrong with the situation."

"OK."

"But you still have to correctly identify what's wrong."

"Fair enough."

"So you can't get mad when you're hurt or jealous or worried. I didn't faint to worry you. You weren't the only one hurt when Addison showed up and you weren't the least innocent. If you're just plain wrong, I don't know what else to do besides remind you not to be mean."

"OK. I have a plan."

"What?"

"Next time I get mad, ask me what I'm really feeling. Insist on it. You're bossy, you can do that."

"You'd better cooperate."

"You're bossy, you can make me."

"I want to hear you say you'll cooperate, it's your responsibility to cooperate and _I_ can get mad at _you_ if you don't."

"I'll cooperate. You can get mad if I don't. I'll know you're mad because you'll swear at me."

"I did like Finn. I wasn't in love with him. I wasn't attracted to him. He was a nice, decent guy, who I hurt because I was still in love with you."

"I'm sorry I asked you that."

"It wasn't so much that you asked, as it was the way you asked it, really. I know how you felt about Addison, not then, but now I do. But you wanted to know that I didn't like him, not how I really felt."

"I was insanely jealous when I thought you were sleeping together. I forgot to take the level of jealousy down a couple of notches when I learned you weren't sleeping together."

"How did you 'learn' that? Did I tell you?"

"I'm afraid it was a gossip item when you had your appendix out, and Bailey tested you for pregnancy. Nobody told me but I overheard two of the nurses talk about it."

"We should move. Portland is supposed to be nice. Nobody knows us there."

"It doesn't matter. People talk about what's interesting. If Nurse Debbi was interesting, people would talk about her. She's not, so she talks about us. When we get boring, they won't talk anymore."

"I can't wait."

"Want to do the money part now?"

"No, I don't ever want to do the money part."

"I'm using your accountant now."

"Why?"

"I don't live in New York, I don't have any property there, I'm not going back. I'm not sure I'll need an accountant here, since I'm not in private practice, but until we get things sorted out, it's easier."

"Are you using him just to have the same one?"

"No, I interviewed a couple of CPAs. Yours is good, very knowledgeable, and seems to have done his best to take good care of you when you were a kid. Do you know his name?"

"He used to get cash to me so I could give my friends' moms gas money, because Ellis never drove or joined the carpools. I was thinking the other day I could have gotten grocery money and asked the maids to shop. And no, I don't know his name."

"It's Jack Dufresne. I got him to write up one balance sheet for you, which is in this envelope that you have to open, and one for me."

"What's a balance sheet?"

"It's a report that balances all the things you have that have value against all the money you owe."

"Do I owe any money?"

"You'd have to look at your balance sheet."

"Do you?"

"No."

"When we're married can you take care of the money?"

"Say that again?"

"When we're married can you take care of the money?"

"So we're going to be married?"

"Eventually."

"How soon is eventually?"

"Shouldn't I meet the rest of your family first?"

"How much vacation have you got left?"

"Four or five days. I'm not sure."

"Can you get the Chief Resident to give you six days in a row?"

"If I have five vacation days left and work August. That's when everybody else wants off."

"Do you have a pay stub lying around?"

Meredith gets up and rifles through the trash for her last pay stub.

"Meredith, that's not a good place to keep them." But he opens and reads it and says, "You've got five days. We could go to New York and stay with Mom. It should be over a weekend so the kids aren't in school and the parents aren't working. We could meet everybody and have a day to ourselves."

Derek stops making plans and looks at Meredith. "Am I going too fast?"

"No, I know you're excited about it."

"It's just meeting the rest of the family, a lot of noise and activity, very little of substance. After the way I left New York, though, they have to meet you or I'll be banned from the family. Will you be nervous about it?"

"Probably."

"We'll have a day to ourselves to look forward to. Mom and Claire will take you to the Cloisters and you know Kathleen will be easy. The other husbands won't stake a claim. Except for Martin they don't even take much interest in me_._ You know the kids will love you and you can handle them. Two of Claire's are very young, and Nancy's may not even be free. They always have sports and meets and that kind of thing planned well in advance. Also, Kathleen is thinking of vacationing here when Julia and Martin move, so that she can help with Ben and Tina and Roo and entertain her own at the same time. Kathleen likes to camp too. So she might want to see us without them."

"You should make charts of the sisters' families with ages and occupations and stuff, so I can study."

"OK. Let's get this money talk over with so we can have some fun."

From the sound of Derek's voice Meredith is pretty sure she knows what kind of fun he's thinking of. "Derek, there are workers down in the kitchen."

"They'll be gone soon. I told them to leave at 5:00. Open your envelope."

Grumbling, Meredith breaks the seal and pulls out one sheet. Derek got back in the soft chair while she was looking for a pay stub, so she lies down on the bed to study her balance sheet for a while, until she asks "Is it self-explanatory?"

"Do you understand it?"

"I don't know."

"Let's go to the office. If I get on the bed I won't have money on my mind."

"I need another root beer."

"Take the chair back and I'll meet you in the office."

Meredith's balance sheet is pretty self-explanatory, there's the assessed value of the house and her share of the 40 acres, the book value of her car, as well as the money her mother left in the form of various mutual fund shares. She has no debt. Derek's is only more complicated by the greater variety of financial instruments, and the larger number at the bottom.

Meredith is incredibly fortunate to have a house and no school loans. Derek is incredibly fortunate to have lived in New York without paying rent or a mortgage. A significant percentage of the proceeds of his lucrative, albeit life-saving, business are still his. Money will not be a source of stress in their daily lives. However, Meredith remains uncomfortable with Ellis's money, so Derek makes a suggestion.

"Your mother's money can be like the brownstone money – you don't have to keep it if you don't want it. If you want to share it with your sisters, I think they would accept. If you want to give back to the people who fed you and drove you around because Ellis wouldn't, I bet you could get them to talk about it, and find a way."

"You're a good man, Derek."

"That's a relief."

"I'm sorry I was so moody before. Anger and money are about my least favorite topics."

"It's not your fault. I've been using anger as the default reaction to stress for too long. You'll help me break the habit."

"Good. Before any hypothetical kids turn real."

Derek tugs at Meredith's hands to pull her off her chair and into his, so he can whisper in her ear, "You actually said 'married'."

"I know."

"Were you planning it?"

"No, it just popped out. Can we keep it quiet for a while?"

"So I shouldn't start planning dresses and rings and cakes and guests?"

"Are you wearing a dress?"

"Mean."

"Are you really excited about wedding things?"

"I'm afraid so."

"Are you going to plan it?"

"You don't want to?"

"I wouldn't know what to plan. I've never been to a wedding, unless you count Cristina's debacle."

"It won't be like Cristina's. Nothing will be forced on you. I'm not going to rush you, I promised. What about being engaged? Do you want that?"

"Aren't we already? You put me on the deed of your land, I said we would get married when I'm ready, I'm working on being ready."

"A real engagement is just a little bit more public."

"How public? You mean like in _Moonstruck_? We're in a restaurant and I boss you around the whole proposal? 'Could you kneel down?' and 'Where's the ring?' and 'You propose to a woman, you should offer her a ring of engagement.' Like that?"

"Less public than that."

"What did you have in mind?"

"I could formally ask you and you could formally answer 'yes,' I'm stipulating that the answer is 'yes' and I could formally offer you a ring of engagement."

"So what makes it public?"

"People can see the ring. When you're in public."

"Oh, I bet I know what you want to do when we're alone in New York."

"Only if you want to."

"Tiffany's?"

"No, Cristina is right about Tiffany's when you want an engagement ring. The diamond district is much better. If you want to we can visit some small shops and you can try rings on and find out what you like, if you like them. You don't have to have a ring."

Meredith is not at all romantic, she's so realistic that objects rarely, if ever, have symbolic meaning to her. She knows, however, that Derek is hopelessly romantic, even in surgery he can be influenced and guided by his imagination and intuition. For Derek the engagement ring itself will be a symbol of his love for Meredith and her love for him, and it will also represent to Derek that he loved and sought and finally won the woman he truly loves, that despite all his past mistakes, he got it right at last. On Meredith's hand, the ring will have yet another meaning for Derek, it will proclaim to the world that he loves her. To Meredith the ring might actually be cold metal and stone, but she would never deny Derek the glow he'll feel seeing his ring on her hand.

"It won't be _'a'_ ring, Derek, it'll be _your_ ring. Of course I'll wear your ring."

Fortunately, the workers have left the building.


	26. Progress Feels Strange

**Progress Feels Strange**

Soon after Meredith and Derek have the anger/money talk, Meredith asks Lexie when she might discuss something important with both sisters. A few days later Meredith and Lexie work the same shift and Lexie finds a moment to tell Meredith that Molly doesn't have school that evening and Thatcher will be at an AA meeting. They drive together to what Lexie still calls home, and Meredith thinks of as Thatcher's house.

Once they're settled in the living room Meredith struggles with what she wants to say. Eventually Molly intercedes, "Is what you want to talk about positive or negative?"

"Positive, I think, from my point of view anyway."

"Spit it out then. Positive is good news, it's easy."

"Well, you know my mother, I mean, you don't know her, of course, but of her, you know of her. She didn't spend money when I was a kid, but, well, she paid my college and medical school tuition, I didn't have to take out loans. And she left money. I don't know where it all came from but I guess that isn't important, what's important is that I don't want to be one sister having more money than I need with two sisters who have school loans and mortgages and worry about their husband's medical care and what I'm trying to say is I think we should split it. The money Ellis left."

A stunned silence falls, followed by a confusion of protests and objections and Meredith's rambling attempts to explain herself. She eventually finds a formulation that sums up her feelings.

"Look, this about feeling like we're part of one family. Me feeling like we're part of one family. Maybe half-sisters is right for you, Molly and Lexie, and if that's what's right for you we'll leave it there. I was starting to want just to be sisters, and if we're sisters, family money belongs to us all."

Molly and Lexie both protest that they already feel like the three of them are sisters and Meredith responds "Maybe that's easier for you because you already knew about me, but you have to remember that I only found out last year."

Molly is always the first to speak up, she's the more assertive sister, she's more like Susan.

"But you'll need it yourself for your kids or retirement or something. Just because you don't need it now doesn't mean you won't need it later."

"I'm pretty sure I won't. Derek and I went over our finances, in a big picture kind of way, you're supposed to do that before you get married, we'll have plenty of money."

Lexie, like Meredith, has trouble articulating her thoughts clearly and concisely. Perhaps they're both like Thatcher in that respect.. "How did you . . . I mean at the hospital . . . the clinic . . . you and Derek donated a lot . . . was that your mothers' money too?"

"No, that was – well, an outcome of Derek's divorce. He probably wouldn't mind if I tell you about it but I should ask him first."

"Well, if it's none of our business . . ."

"I know – but the clinic donation is public knowledge, and I don't see why you shouldn't know where the money came from and why we gave it to the clinic. Especially if . . . I mean, my philosophy of money is that I don't want more than I need. I'm not trying to – like, _help_ you with this money. I didn't earn it, Ellis just left it in the bank, she didn't have a will or anything, she didn't leave it _to_ me. So the way I look at it is, it's family money, if we're family we should all have a share."

Molly remarks "Most people wouldn't see it that way. I don't feel like I have any claim to your mother's money."

"That's the thing, I don't feel I have any claim to it either. But I'm legally stuck with it, so I have to find a way to use it that feels right to me. The two things I want to do are to split it with you, and to find a way to – some of my friends' parents used to give me dinner and drive me places, you know, with their kids, because my mother didn't and my mother's accountant reimbursed them for gas, but I don't think he knew about the meals. So I'd like to find some way to honor that. But that's a relatively small amount."

Molly cuts to the chase. "How much money did Ellis leave?"

"About half a million."

The stunned silence resumes.

"What would you do if we couldn't accept it?"

"Give it to the clinic."

"Wow, you really don't want this money."

"No, it's not want, I don't need it. Ellis was a terrible mother, but she left me financially secure, I'm thankful for that. But I don't believe people should keep more money than they need. I don't believe in it. I don't want to be rich. If one sister inherits money, all the sisters should inherit money, not like the way they did it in England – you know – when the oldest son got almost everything, and the younger sons got more than the girls. Like in _Pride and Prejudice_ Mr. Darcy had 10,000 a year and his sister had 1,500 a year."

"But Ellis wasn't our mother.'

"She was hardly mine either. She just wasn't a mother. I hardly ever saw her. She was never home so one of our neighbors enrolled me in all the classes her daughter took – ballet and swimming and riding – just so I'd have some company and supervision. At Dartmouth I usually spent vacations with my friend Anna's family."

"What if we thought it over?"

"OK. Can I leave you with one thought?"

"Sure."

"The way things are, because of, you know . . . the way my mother treated your father, we're kind of like sisters unconnected by parents. So who started the bank account should really not be an issue."

"You don't think of our Dad as your Dad?"

"No, we – he and I – we talked about it. I think of him as your dad, still family, just more distant."

"How can he not be your Dad?"

"Well, like the place where the dad would be in my life or my mind or heart or whatever, that's all filled in. When Susan, when your mom tried to get us together – me and your dad – after Ellis died, I really didn't feel that he wanted to be my dad. There was a little opening then and if he'd wanted it, maybe he could have been my dad. But when he hit me, it closed up once I fin–"

Molly interrupts. "He _hit_ you?"

"Oh, shoot, I forgot you didn't know that. People saw, but I never meant to tell you. Thatcher and I talked about it a little when he came to see me on his AA mission, so I guess it's unburied in my head or something."

Lexie speaks up in a very small voice. "I know about it. People have told me. People at the hospital."

Molly and Meredith speak simultaneously: "Lexie! How could you know that and not tell me?" and "Who told you?"

Lexie answers Meredith first because she knows the answer to Meredith's question. "George told me first, when I was such a pest last summer, he said to back off, give you time because of what happened when my Mom died. And, Molly, I just didn't know how to tell you that. I thought I should when you moved in here, but I just didn't know how. And I really don't know what happened besides he hit her."

Molly is completely distraught and crying, so Meredith moves over to the couch to sit by her, and she jerks her head at Lexi towards Molly's other side. Meredith holds Molly's hand and says "Look, I'll tell you exactly what happened and I think you'll see . . . I mean, it's OK now. I'm OK, I'm fine. And I really don't think Thatcher would ever do it again. OK?"

Lexi and Molly both nod.

"Ellis had an affair while she and Thatcher were married and I was little. She treated Thatcher very badly, contemptuously. She told me all about it while she was in the nursing home. She thought I was one of the interns from when she was an intern. She expected to divorce Thatcher and marry this other man, but he was married too, and he stayed with his wife. So when the affair ended Ellis took me and went to Boston. But she was horrible, just horrible, to Thatcher, if the way she talked in the nursing home is any indication. And people say I look like Ellis. So you know it must be hard on Thatcher just looking at me. And when your mom came into the hospital, you know, when she died, I encouraged her to have the operation, and I kept Thatcher updated on her progress, and I was the one who told him at the end. And I think he saw Ellis when I told him Susan, your mom, died, he saw Ellis wrecking his family again. And he just lashed out at Ellis, only it was me he hit. It's wrong, terribly wrong, but also, under the circumstances, something I can empathize with. Not then, of course, it took a long time to get over it. Maybe I didn't really fully get over it until he apologized the other day. But something good came of it, because I stopped being jealous of you two. Not because I thought bad things about your dad, it wasn't about Thatcher at all. I just, I don't know, I accepted that things are the way they are, you had two parents and I didn't have any, I have a house and no school loans and you guys don't have that. I mean, people don't get to pick the problems they have. You didn't chose to have the dad who, if things had been different, we all would have had, so it was wrong to be jealous of you. But I wouldn't have been jealous if I hadn't wanted family myself, so then I knew I wanted to be sisters with you. Maybe, I don't know, but maybe things have to be pretty bad before you can accept, the, you know, what they teach in AA, to accept what can't be changed. I couldn't seem to accept that until after Thatcher hit me. So the bad thing lead to a good thing. Not cause and effect really, the bad things didn't _make_ the good things happen, but they set the process in motion, the process of making bad things better. I saw a lot of that with Derek and Addison, she did something bad and he did something bad and I did something stupid and in the end we're all better off. Am I making any sense? I feel like a volcano with words instead of lava."

They all pause a while and breathe.

Molly asks, "You and Dad talked about this?"

"Yeah. Fewer words though. We didn't talk about why, you know, what happened to make him do that. He said he was sorry and I said that it lead to me not being jealous anymore. And at some point I said Ellis talked about the affair, but not in relation to this, I don't think."

"She was really that bad, your mother?"

"Derek thinks she had a personality disorder, but I don't know much about it. His sister Kathleen is a psychiatrist, I'm going to ask her. So, yeah, she was that bad, but how much of it was bad wiring and brain chemistry? There's no way to know."

"Why would she not give you dinner?"

"She wasn't home."

"You were home alone even at night?"

"Yeah. My friend Freeky's mom figured it out when I was about 8 and gave Ellis hell. So Freeky's mom kind of adopted me and handed me over to Leesa's mom when they moved."

"Freeky?"

"Fredericka. She thought Freeky would distract from the Fred aspect of her name."

Molly is, as usual, the decisive one. "Maybe we should talk it over again, but I think I understand, Meredith, and I think if I were in your position, I'd like to think I'd feel the same way, want to split the money I mean. You don't want to hog something that would be good for all of us."

"Right."

"So we'll talk about it again, but I think I will accept, very gratefully."

Meredith says "OK, good. Are you OK about Thatcher?"

"Well, I want to talk to him about it. He never hit us ever when we were kids, not spanking or anything like that, he's really very gentle physically. But I want to know what happened to him, I mean, what you thought was going on sounds reasonable, but I want to be sure. And I like it better when things are out in the open."

"What about you, Lexie?"

"The way you described it – it's so wrong – but the way you describe it, I feel sorry for you _and_ Dad. But part of the reason I moved out was because I was afraid the drinking might cause him to be more - I don't know, not violent – but that's what I was afraid of. If it really was an aberration, I could come back. But I didn't know your mother was so . . . mean . . . Meredith. I didn't, um, realize how awful things were for you. I was jealous too, of the famous surgeon mom, and the respect everybody has for you, here and at Harvard."

"Ask George about Ellis, he had to babysit her at the hospital and she thought he was Thatcher. OK. Well, I'll talk to my mother's accountant, actually, Derek's trying to get me to humanize the poor man, his name is Jack and he's my accountant, no, he's _our_ accountant. Anyway. Sorry. I'll talk to Jack and he'll know what's the best way to do it."

"Are you and Derek engaged now?"

"When we get back from New York we probably will be. He's very excited about it."

"You're going to New York?"

"He has four sisters and they all have families, so I've got 17 more family members to meet before he can pop the question. I never thought I'd use that phrase 'pop the question'."

"So you're going to get married!"

"Well, engaged, for now. I mean, we will get married, but we have to work out stuff like who's going to be the primary parent and if we'll bring the kids up religious and who will do the chores – there's this list of 15 questions and we've only done two."

"When are you going to New York?"

"In about two weeks."

"Can we celebrate?"

"Now or after it happens?"

"After."

"Of course."

"And you're going to have kids!"

"When I'm settled into my specialty, so that's a couple of years away at least."

Lexie has been trying not to yawn. "I have to be at the hospital for pre-rounds and I can't not yawn any more. I have to go home."

Molly says, "Why don't you sleep here, Lexie? It would save you time and I've got dinner waiting for Dad. Do you want to eat, Meredith?"

"Thanks, but Derek will have something ready. I'll call when I get back if I don't see you before I leave."

As the sisters are saying their goodbyes and Meredith is searching for her bag, Thatcher returns from his meeting. He is tense and unable to look at Meredith, but Molly says "How was the meeting, Dad?" while Lexie says, "Hi Dad, ready for dinner?" and Meredith says "Hi Thatcher, we just finished our meeting." Thatcher's discomfort turns to confusion until the sisters laugh at the commotion they made, their laughter is infectious and makes Thatcher smile. Lexie follows Meredith to her car to get her stuff, since she's staying over. When they reach the car Lexie says in surprise, "We didn't even thank you."

"Thank Ellis, it's her money."

"You thank Ellis, we'll thank you."

"I've still got her ashes, we could have a gratitudinal ceremony with the ashes."

"Um, ew."

"Right. Goodnight!"

"Goodnight!"

Meredith calls Derek but she gets voicemail. He's probably at the hospital, since it's too late on the East Coast to be on the phone with one of his sisters, making more plans for their trip. His sisters are apparently as excited as he is, although, to Meredith's relief, the visit won't be all Meredith&Derek, all the time. With Julia and Martin moving, and the end of the school year approaching, and several birthdays in the month, there are plenty of Shepard clan excuses to assemble and celebrate.

When Meredith arrives home she finds Derek was called into the hospital for an emergency, but he left dinner for her and did the washing up before he left. Meredith gets to bed early and appreciates the extra rest.

Meredith's rotation in the ER is going reasonably well, but she doesn't enjoy the rushed pace, the short exposure to patients, the blankness she feels when she dispatches them to another department of the hospital or discharges them, especially patients she can see are at risk. It's definitely not the job she wants for her future, but she needs a thorough understanding of the department, including its limitations and how to interact with the chronically busy doctors because many surgical patients are admitted through the ER. She will probably spend part of every year of residency in the ER, and she hopes she likes it more as she gains more experience. She does a lot of suturing, patient histories, blood drawing, IV installation and other routine tasks. She has yet to actively participate in a traumatic emergency, but after observing for several weeks, she can tell what each of the doctors and nurses swarming over the distressed patient are doing and why.

The days at work fly by, but she nearly always gets a break and a reminder to go eat. The Chief Resident has not forgotten the fainting incident, and specifically asked her ER resident to give her at least one break. Meal breaks are usually the only boring time in her day. The rhythm of the ER is so different from the rest of the hospital that she rarely sees her friends during the workday. Fortunately she sees Lexie and Molly outside of work, and she and her old friend Leesa talk on the phone regularly, just as they did in high school. Their schedules aren't compatible now, but when school is out for the summer they'll be able to get together in person. She also received a letter from her Dartmouth friend Anna:

"Dear Meredith,

"I was planning on waiting six years to write back according to your suggestion, but curiosity overwhelmed me, and besides, I wasn't offended that you ditched me in Glasgow for a medical emergency. There was the emergency aspect, for one thing, and for another, I got to spend two weeks alone with Rob Roy.

"Which brings _me_ to the present.

"Rob and I got married a couple of years ago. Surprise! After he finished his fellowship we got married over there for his family and came over here to get married again for my family. He's got too many family to drag them all to the US, but they had to witness the event to believe it. They're a skeptical lot, the Scots.

"Speaking of skeptics, Rob believed for several months after you left that your mother's emergency was a fiction and that you bolted to give us the chance to be alone. He abandoned that theory eventually, but did not pay up until I got your letter. He owes you one too. Not a letter, I mean he owes you what he owed me for losing the wager.

"I will now try to answer your questions:

"We're in Denver for two years while Rob does a guest professorish thing at the University of Colorado. His field of study, you may recall, is Mathematical Biology, and now that you've been to medical school you may be able to understand what that is. Talk to me in French, Spanish, Gaelic, even English, and I will understand you, unless you talk about Mathematical Biology. So that's what he's doing in Denver. I'm not working myself, the "do what you love and the money will follow" philosophy hasn't paid off for me yet, unless you count doing my husband . . .

"I volunteer weekdays at a literacy clinic the University sponsors. It's always called the "literacy clinic" but I've taught math, computer use, interview skills. One day I taught a teenage mother to diaper her baby because she was afraid to ask her own mother. One the one hand that's a sad situation, but on the other hand we laughed a lot and played with the baby and she seemed more comfortable with her baby when she left. (I didn't know how to diaper either, lucky for me there are instructions on the package.)

"Is it fun? Well, yes, university life is always fun. I hear from other friends from Dartmouth that making friends, having a social circle, is a lot harder outside of university. Rob and I don't know what we're doing next, it might be academic or it might not, so I'm savoring the society while I can.

"The rest of Scotland was longer than two weeks, I never left except to visit home. Originally I hoped to get a work permit, even if the job was serving coffee or cleaning houses, but the rules are strict and I didn't qualify. My very generous aunt (Aunt Sophie, you met her briefly at graduation) gave me tuition for five courses and I studied Gaelic (language) and Scottish literature. I learned a lot of old Scottish music too. The country is wilder and darker the further north you go, all the myths and legends seem to make sense then, but when you return to the 21st century in Glasgow it's like waking from a dream. I would love to take you to some of the places we planned to visit that you missed.

"We called him Rob Roy because he has red hair (the "Roy" part of Rob Roy), we'd just seen the movie, and it made him feel superior to the silly American girls who didn't know Rob Roy from Roy Rogers. Also, it got his attention. I was keen on him, as you no doubt remember.

"I sing Celtic music (as best we are able) with some friends. We have two languages covered – my Scottish pronunciation is good, and one of the singers is Irish – but our favorite songs are Cornish and Breton and we just do the best we can with them. There's quite a market for this music today, but we're not good enough to earn money, so we do what you and I did with the Total Amateurs at Dartmouth, we sing for anybody that asks us and just have fun.

"I have no secret sisters or long-lost family of any kind. My mom and dad are great, in good health, and were thrilled that you surfaced at last. They were visiting us when I got your letter and send many messages, congratulations about medical school, sorry about your mom, yay! about Derek (I haven't told anybody what is not yet public knowledge), and huh? about your sisters. I know there are many criticisms one could level at your mother, and I would be glad to list them all if there was a need, but really, keeping your sisters away from you has got to go in the top 2. Anyway, it's great that you have some family that you can enjoy.

"And finally, yes, I still like you. Silly.

"And now on the subject of you, you're a doctor! A surgical doctor no less. Your boyfriend, his sister and BIL, and your sister are doctors. Your mother was a doctor. That's a lot of doctors. And yet, I hear that there is a shortage of doctors. Is the conversation at the dinner table quite gory? Being a doctor I suppose you don't have much free time, but I would really like to see you. How would you like it if I invited myself to your very own house for a couple of days? I know nothing about doctors' schedules except that people get sick and hurt on Saturday and Sunday too, so you probably don't have weekends like ordinary weekday workers have weekends. You wouldn't have to be off work, I'd be satisfied to see you a couple of hours a day for a couple of days. (If that's not too much pressure.)

"I'm sorry the last years with your mother were as painful as the rest of your time with her. In your letter you sound very different, lighter, more free, which could just be your writing style but what I hope is that you are at last out from under the long shadow she cast. The one time I met her she struck me as the unhappiest and angriest person I ever saw. It didn't seem helpful to mention that to you at the time. I'm glad some of the mysteries were cleared up, I'm glad your mother didn't suffer any longer than she did, and I'm glad she left you a house!

"Here's my phone and email so we can use electrons instead of paper and ink in the future and let me know if I can invite myself to come and see you and Derek. Rob sends his love and a bawdy comment about you and your boyfriend that I'm not going to write down, and he wants you to know that he'd invite himself too, but he has to hear oral defenses and read a million theses and would be glad to have me out of his hair for a couple of days so he can harass the PhD candidates in peace.

"See you soon?

"love from Anna"

So Meredith and Anna are emailing daily, and between her sisters and her two friends Meredith feels like she has a social life, and it's kind of nice not to have her social time limited to talk about hospital gossip and politics, patients, complaints about residents and attendings. Meredith still misses Cristina, she's made several attempts to get together with her to enjoy Cristina's caustic humor while she can before Cristina leaves for Stanford. Either Cristina really is that busy, or she's avoiding Meredith. Meredith suspects Cristina's avoiding her, but doesn't know what she can do about it.

Derek is working extra shifts in exchange for cover during their trip to New York, and making arrangements for their visit. The plans so far are that Derek and Meredith will arrive in New York in time for Meredith to shop for summer clothes at the boutique where they do the shopping for you, and Kathleen will come to Eileen's for dinner that evening. The next morning Eileen and Claire will show Meredith what art historians do, and meet anyone who can make it for lunch at Meredith's favorite deli from the last trip. Claire wants Derek and Meredith and Julia and Martin to dinner Saturday night. Nancy will host the entire family in her large house and garden for the whole of Sunday, with brunch at noon and a barbeque late in the afternoon. Friday evening and Saturday day aren't planned for now.

Derek is especially eager for Meredith and Claire to spend time together. Julia and Kathleen will be accessible later in Seattle, but Claire's family isn't very mobile at the moment and Derek is closer to Claire than Meredith realized. Claire was Derek's only little sister, he took responsibility for Claire very seriously, even to the point of making sure she had someone with her on the subway ride in and out of The Bronx to school. Though neither of them are especially talkative, they share the intuitive thought processes that make Derek unique as a neurosurgeon, and they can communicate under the radar of the rest of the crowd. The call Derek made to Claire the night she made Addison admit Derek had left was not a fluke. In that situation, Claire was the sister he felt most comfortable with, the sister who would make the difficult call least painful.

Meredith is starting feel spooked by her new maturity, by the fact that she hasn't done anything really stupid since Christmas, and by the fact that she's handling difficult tasks – Julia's visit, Thatcher's visit, the anger/money talk with Derek, the money talk with her sisters – with greater skill and grace than she ever expected to achieve. She had this feeling at Harvard, when she stopped the bar- and bed-hopping and really worked at medical school. She lost it in Seattle when her relationship with Derek unraveled the first time. She's beginning to be aware that this state of mind, the sense that she can handle whatever life throws at her, is something she needs to be ready to marry. She also needs to know Derek can handle whatever life throws at him. She's confident enough for now to agree to the publicly visible ring of engagement but she needs more confidence than this before she's ready for marriage vows.

Meredith mentions her new sense of maturity and her lack of confidence in it to Derek as they eat breakfast and drive into work together.

"You could stage a crisis and see how we do."

"What kind of crisis?"

"Sleeping with Mark?"

"Who would have to do the sleeping, you or me?"

"I don't sleep with men."

"I don't sleep with Mark."

"So that's out."

"You're not married to anyone else are you?"

"That's not funny."

"I'm sorry. Are you really offended?"

"A little bit."

"As offended as when I started the McDreamy discussion?"

"I would be very happy if you never spoke that word where I could hear it again."

"OK, but can I make McJokes at all? You weren't offended when I said you would be a McDad, and you made the McDog joke."

"You know how I've never said anything bad about Cristina?"

"Yeah."

"Not making the McJokes would be the equivalent of me not saying anything bad about Cristina."

"Wow. You really don't like her?"

"I really don't. But you do and I respect that."

"Crap. Now we're having a mature fight! It's a crisis we need!"

"Then you're going to have to sleep with Mark."


	27. There'll Be Tears

**There'll Be Tears**

Meredith can't get this morning's conversation with Derek out of her head. The ER is busy and she doesn't have time to think anything through, but scraps of thought float around in her head. Why, when he suggested staging a crisis, why would he go straight to sleeping with Mark? Even for gallows humor, the idea that she would sleep with Mark is morbid and gross. She gets why her gallows humor suggestion offended him a little – he really did have a secret wife, whereas she never cheated on him, let alone with his former best friend. Still it's weird, and she wants to know what he was thinking.

They meet in the lobby for the drive home and walk to Derek's car together. He looks tired and drained, so she doesn't bring it up. Instead she asks, "Bad day?"

"Not a good one."

"Should I ask?"

"Let's go to the café. I didn't get lunch, I'm too hungry to cook."

"Sure."

After they order Derek leans back and closes his eyes. He looks awful. Meredith feels sympathetic, but also frustrated. She racks her brain for the right thing to say. You look tired. What's wrong? Tell me about your day. He's in the kind of mood that frequently leads to a display of hot temper. Suddenly she knows what to do. She moves across the booth, sits beside him and rubs his knee. "Tell me what you're really feeling."

"Fury. Rage."

"Is it something I did?"

"No."

"Who?"

"Mark."

"What did he do?"

"He's HIV positive."

"Crap." Their glasses of wine arrive and each reaches for a glass and drinks. Derek is alert enough to signal for a second round.

"Addison called last night. After you were asleep."

"Is she positive?"

"She couldn't fit it in today without people knowing. She'll do it tomorrow."

"Did you talk to Mark?"

"Yes."

"What's his viral load?"

"Low."

"What test did he take? Did he take the ultra-sensitive one?"

"Yes. His load is very low, so we can hope he got it after Addison left him, but we have to get tested."

"Of course."

"Have you ever been tested?"

"I got tested at Dartmouth before I graduated, twice, like you're supposed to – once and again three months later. I did the same thing here after the guy with the, um, priapism. All negative. How often does Mark get tested?"

"Not often enough. Not even regularly."

"When was the last time?"

"Before the first time with Addison."

"So who else knows?"

"All the chiefs. Addison called Richard too, to make sure Mark didn't skip that step."

"I don't want to know if he did or didn't, I hate him enough already. But I do want to know how long Mark has known he's HIV positive."

"He wouldn't tell me. My guess is that he wanted to have as much good news as possible before he told anybody."

"He doesn't have the right to keep that information to himself, but I guess it doesn't really matter, we'd still have to get tested. Did the Chief talk to you?"

"No, Addison told him I knew, so Richard could focus on the bigger problem."

"Did you take your test today?"

"No, I wanted to wait for you. We have appointments at 7:00 am tomorrow."

"Good."

"So we'll know in twelve hours."

"I'm kind of surprised Addison didn't ask him about his testing schedule."

"So is she, now."

"What are Mark's plans for escaping the lynch mob of women he's seduced at the hospital?"

"The Chief Nursing Officer talked to him. After she reamed him out personally she said she'll remind the lynch mob that his reputation was well known, that anyone who didn't think about the risks should blame themselves. Whatever their personal feelings, as long as he remains at Seattle Grace if they have to work with him, they put the patient first. Work is about the patients, etc. You're not as upset as I thought you'd be."

"We're in a public place."

"When we get home?"

"There'll be tears."

Meredith goes to the restroom to splash her face and when she returns to her seat she and Derek suspend the topic until they're back in the car. They are sufficiently well known at the café for a sotto voce cheek-to-cheek discussion to be presumed romantic rather than highly confidential medical talk, but they can't talk across the table without the risk of being overheard.

Back in the car, Meredith asks about their talk this morning. "You knew about Mark last night, was that why you were so weird this morning?"

"I tried to concentrate on what you had to say, but all I could think about was how this mess started, Addison sleeping with Mark. I don't remember what I said, but I won't be surprised if I was a jerk or made no sense. I'm sorry if it upset you. I wanted to talk to Mark before I told you. I had questions, I knew you'd have questions, I wanted to be able to answer them."

"I wasn't upset, it was just weird. But I'm glad I wondered about _that_ all day rather than what I'll wonder all night."

"I'm glad you're glad. I didn't know what was the right thing to do."

"What did you do last night after Addison called? You look really tired, did you get any sleep?"

"I spent most of the night on the computer." Overnight Derek researched tests for HIV, the progression of HIV infection, and statistics for healthcare workers, especially surgeons, transmitting HIV to patients. HIV infection occurs in three distinct stages before it compromises the immune system and causes AIDS. In the first two weeks the virus reproduces itself quickly in the blood, and can be detected directly, by looking for the RNA of the virus. In the second phase many infected people have symptoms like those of mononucleosis or flu, and during this phase they develop antibodies to HIV, enough antibodies to detect about three months after infection. In the third phase, which normally lasts about 10 years, but can last up to 20 years, the virus is active in the lymph nodes, killing off the immune system and building up the amount of virus in the blood. Mark's low viral load _may_ mean he was infected recently, after Derek and Addison split up. It could also mean that Mark is more resistant than average to the virus.

If Addison was HIV positive while she was with Derek, Derek's last exposure was about a year ago, so he will have antibodies if he is HIV positive. Derek and Meredith will take the Rapid HIV Antibody Test, which returns definitive results in under an hour. It's expensive, but worth it.

"If I have to get tested, I don't want to know the odds until I have the result."

"My mind refuses to think about the odds. It just won't do it."

"Did you find anything about hospital staff transmitting HIV to patients?"

"It's very, very rare. There are no documented cases of surgeons transmitting HIV. There's one case of a surgeon and a patient who are both HIV positive, but the patient is believed to have been HIV positive before the surgery. Nurses, phlebotomists, jobs like that are more likely to _become_ infected than to _pass on_ an infection. HIV is far less transmittable than Hepatitis B."

"Can genetic testing show who infected whom?"

"I think it can establish that two people have the same virus, I think there are time constraints though."

"How was Mark? Were you so mad you were mean to him?"

"He was a basket case. He called Addison last night, met Richard and the Chief Nursing Officer this morning, and I cornered him before lunch. He looked like he'd pulled a 48-hour shift in less than 12 hours. No, I wasn't mean to him. I can't guarantee I won't be mean to him if I test positive. It will be worse if I've infected you."

"Does he know what the Chiefs are planning to do?"

"As of this morning they were thinking of a year-long clinical study of all staff at risk for needle sticks and other forms of patient-to-staff contamination. This kind of study is not out of the ordinary, but it will take a couple of days to get all the test kits and a plausible protocol in place. Margaret is dealing privately with the women who really have cause for concern." Margaret Spellinger is the Chief Nursing Officer. "The study will provide cover to the women he's slept with and probably uncover other people who are HIV positive. The CDC estimates about 25% of infected people don't know they're infected."

"No wonder she gave Mark hell. What an awful thing to have to do."

"If Mark tells them they'll focus on the personal aspect, not the medical. The rumor mill will start grinding and ruin the hospital. The general public doesn't know – hell, I didn't know – how extremely rare transmission is in a hospital. People remember the dentist with AIDS who infected people in the early 90's."

"So the hospital and patients aren't really at risk?"

"Not real risk, but perceived risk hurts just as much as real risk."

"Just think, if you'd been Chief of Surgery this could have been your problem."

"That's a fun thought. Let's go to bed."

"Do you think you'll sleep?"

"Might as well try."

Meredith and Derek spend a restless night, dozing, dreaming, waking, dozing again. Neither dreams of HIV tests, they dream their standard bad dreams. In the morning the alarm wakes them, they dress silently and set off for the lab where they'll find out if they are, or are not.

Meredith and Derek come to the appointment armed with pencils, erasers, crosswords and Sudoku puzzles. Puzzles are easier to concentrate on than reading, and they find the 50 minute wait passes less anxiously than the night. The results are in. Neither Meredith nor Derek are HIV positive.

Once they know the results they allow themselves to see how unlikely it was that Derek would have been infected. He had used condoms with Addison, largely because of a reflexive revulsion at the sexual score-card of the man who had been his wife's lover, and Derek and Addison had stuck to the most basic sex act. Even if Addison was infected, with this level of care Derek would have been safe. Safe sex is possible with an HIV positive partner. Still, Derek's test was necessary and he had been unable to face it yesterday without Meredith. The results are a huge relief to both of them.

They talk for a while in the car before Derek feels steady enough to drive. Derek is uncharacteristically rambling, Meredith uncharacteristically terse. Derek leaves Addison voicemail that he and Meredith tested negative, asks her to let them know the result of her test, and wishes her the best outcome. Meredith appends a brief "Thanks for letting Derek know and good luck." to the message, then they drive to the café. They're both hungry this morning, but Derek is still too shaken to want to cook, and he has to get to the hospital to check on patients. Meredith isn't on until 6 pm.

During the day Meredith wonders if Derek left Mark any word on the outcome of their tests. Despite what she said the night before about hating him, Meredith never has really disliked Mark personally (minus her general issues with marital cheating which she also applies to herself and Derek), she had said what she said out of fear. She calls Derek to ask if he's spoken to Mark, but Derek must be busy because she gets voicemail. She doesn't know Mark's cell number, but his hospital email is listed on the internal Seattle Grace website, so she sends him a sympathetic email saying she and Derek are OK. She finds herself unable to sleep or concentrate on anything that requires thought, so she does laundry, scours her clothes for things that can be discarded or donated, separates the heavy winter clothes and folds them neatly into piles on the dining room table. She's never stored her winter clothes during the summer before, so she has no storage containers. When she's done with her clothes she starts on Derek's. Occasionally she finds tears falling from her eyes. She said there would be tears, and there are.

Derek's work that day is basically following the recovery of patients he's operated on in the past week or so, supervising the senior residents, and advising the junior attendings on their patients. His bedside manner is always good but that day he's more gentle, compassionate, and to his colleagues' surprise, even sweet. All the staff on his floor notice how McDreamy he is, and speculate that something momentous happened at home, maybe Meredith is pregnant or he and Meredith are engaged. Derek's McDreamyness takes up enough gossip bandwidth that Mark's uncharacteristic behavior – quiet, not flirtatious, respectful to all – goes unnoticed. Mark's personality at the hospital has gradually changed since he learned he was HIV positive, but the change has been slow enough to only spark occasional comment.

Derek is finished at about 4:00, so he's home before Meredith leaves. He hasn't heard from Addison yet and he's a little bit worried about her. He tells Meredith about the new proposal Mark made to the Chiefs of Surgery and Nursing: the women whose names he submits to the Chief Nursing Officer (CNO) could take the Rapid HIV Antibody Test at the lab of their choice on their next day off, at his expense. If they are negative for antibodies they can take the test for viral load, either for their own peace of mind or if the "night" (sometimes it's really a day) they spent with Mark was less than three months ago. If possible, they could be informed of Mark's HIV status in the morning, and get tested that day. The Chief Nursing Officer thinks the idea is good, and wants to think about the logistics before she agrees. The Chiefs of Surgery, Medicine and Nursing are still interested in doing the real study (which would extend to any patient in contact with an HIV positive health care worker), not just because of Mark, but also out of clinical need and public education. Mark is so well known that his HIV status is bound to become public knowledge eventually, and the study would demonstrate how unlikely HIV transmission is, as well as establishing that his patients aren't HIV positive. If Mark's sexual partners can be tested another way, Seattle Grace would have time to design a good study and get funding and grant money to cover most of the expenses, plus various forums in which to publish results.

After her own restless night and the relief of the day, Meredith appreciates that Mark's suggestion for testing his partners minimizes their anxiety and inconvenience. She remembers Derek's characterization of Mark as he'd been in college, that Mark was thoughtful and kind as well as being brazen, more than a little bit wild, and more than a lot of fun. She also remembers Mark telling her that he loathed himself to an almost pathological degree. She wonders if he picks up women for the same reason she picked up men at Dartmouth.

"How is Mark?"

"He's a mess. Look, I told him he could come over here tonight, if you agree. What do you think?"

"That's fine. I don't mind. He can stay over in the guest room if he wants, if he doesn't want to be at home alone."

"After your ferry crash accident, while they were trying to revive you Mark helped me stay calm, got me into a hot shower and dry clothes."

"I remember what you told me, how he helped Addison get through final exams after her boyfriend cheated on her."

"I still wouldn't trust him with my garage opener, but he needs somebody right now and I'm all he's got."

"We don't have a garage."

"That was the point."

"Oh. I sent him an email today in case you didn't have a chance to tell him."

"He told me. You're really OK having him here? You don't have to say yes."

"I'm really OK. Don't worry. He's an ex-friend, currently in need. You can't turn your back. I admire that."

"Awwww. Thanks."

"Tell him the phrase 'dirty mistress' is grounds for eviction. You still haven't heard from Addison?"

"No. I should have asked her when she planned to take the test. I don't want to nag her now. She's got more grounds to worry than we did."

Derek laughs when he sees the piles of clothes on the dining room table and the stacks of clean and neatly folded clothes in their armoires and closets. "Did Martha Stewart stop by today?"

"Ha ha. I couldn't sit still."

"Did you try?"

"Well. No."

"So we'll never know."

"How did you spend your day, Dr. Shepard?"

"In motion. Thinking about other peoples' brains. It was good."

"How will you spend your night?"

"Probably watching Mark refold all the clothes. Maybe I should tell him about your occupational therapy. He can bring his laundry here. You ought to go, you're running late, Dr. Grey."

"Make sure his laundry is literally clothing, I don't want his metaphorical dirty laundry here. OK, see you in the morning."

_AN: For the purposes of "Has This Ship Sailed" neither the nurses strike against Mark nor the sex partner disclosure form happened. The forms were blatantly illegal. The Chief Nursing Officer would have disciplined any nurses who refused to work with Mark. If nurses had complaints regarding Mark's behavior, HR would have had individuals document inappropriate behavior, and __**he**__ would have been disciplined accordingly. Nurses who slept with Mark once without coercion, in the form of either threats or promised rewards, would have no case against him. I can't document this; it's what I was told when I had one of those boss monsters from hell New York City is so justly famous for. (I didn't sleep with the asshole, but I know people who did!)_

_Grey's is far from a reality show, but with respect to all medical issues in "Has This Ship Sailed" I've tried to be accurate. Every fact in this chapter comes from one of the following sources._

_Here are factual sources (this editor won't accept html so I replaced . with (dot)_

en(dot)wikipedia(dot)org/wiki/HIV#The_clinical_course_of_infection

cdc(dot)gov/hiv/topics/testing/resources/journal_article/pdf/rapid_

gateway(dot)nlm(dot)nih(dot)gov/MeetingAbstracts/ma?f=

www(dot)annals(dot)org/cgi/content/full/124/2/277-b

www(dot)annals(dot)org/cgi/content/full/122/9/653


	28. Mark at Meredith's

**Mark at Meredith's**

Shortly after Meredith leaves for the hospital Mark rings the doorbell then sets his bag down and sits on the swing. It's a nice evening, still warm, with a blue sky. Derek comes out and sits on the porch railing.

Mark slouches into the swing and props his feet on the rail. "Thanks, man. I really appreciate this."

"Don't worry about it."

"Meredith didn't mind?"

"As long as you don't say 'dirty mistress.' I didn't ask what that's about and I don't want to know."

"How is she? Did she get any sleep?"

"Judging from the amount of clean laundry, I would say no, she didn't."

"Well, hey, at least she did something useful."

"She said you could bring yours, your literal, not your metaphorical, dirty laundry."

Marks does his naughty chuckle, the one that sounds like a response to a dirty joke. "Why didn't you tell me in time?"

"I didn't have time in time. You want a beer?"

"Yeah, thanks."

There's a pause while Derek fetches beer from inside.

"It's a nice house."

"You've never been here?"

"How would I get invited here?"

"I don't like to think of the number of hospital staff I've seen here in underwear." Intercepting Mark's facial expression Derek adds, "I don't like to think of you thinking of them either."

Marks sighs a little. "Under the circumstances." But he doesn't finish the thought.

Pause.

"You heard from Addison?"

"No. You?"

"No."

Pause.

It's a manly conversation. Conversations between women, and between women and men, have a completely different rhythm than conversations between men. The pauses are longer when the talk is between men. The word count is lower. There are fewer adjectives, superlatives, inflections, words of more than two syllables. "That's too bad." is the deepest expression of sympathy. "Huh." is a sufficient response to anything less earth shattering than wining or losing a championship game of some sport or another. Repetition is good. Beer is mandatory. When men gather together they aren't from Mars, they're from Pluto, or beyond. They come in a little closer to Earth in the presence of women, though not always as close as Mars.

"Meredith offered that you could stay if you want. There's a guest room."

"Why would she offer me her guest room?"

"She thinks you're human."

"Thanks, buddy."

Pause. This time Derek speaks first.

"Are you hungry?"

"I am, but I have to eat around these anti-retrovirals."

"When's your next meal due?"

"9:00."

"We'll eat then. Then."

Pause.

Mark's phone rings and he looks at the number before he answers "Manwhore central."

"That's how you answer your phone now?" It's Addison calling.

"Seems appropriate."

"I'm negative."

"Addie, man, I'm so relieved. I can't . . . '

"Mark, are you crying?" Derek asks "Mark, are you crying?"

"What are you doing with Derek?"

"So far, drinking a beer. At Meredith's house."

"What are you doing there?"

"What I said, drinking a beer."

"Not, _what_ are you doing there, what are you doing _there_?"

"There's a difference?"

"Why are you at Meredith's house?"

"Oh. They invited me. Meredith thinks I'm human."

"I guess if Derek can fool her so can you."

"That's my nice Addie. Wait till I tell Derek."

"Mark, it's not a game of Pass It On, you don't . . . oh, wait, unfortunate . . . I'm sorry, Mark. I didn't mean it that way." Mark didn't take it that way, apparently, he's laughing his naughty laugh.

"Good one, Addie."

"Try it this way. What _**ARE**_ you doing there?"

"It's kind of quiet at my apartment."

"Too quiet?"

"Yeah."

"Do you have any time off?"

"Probably when they get it sorted out, how they're telling the victims and testing them."

"Do you want to come down when you can?"

"Yeah, that would be great."

"Tell Derek I said thanks for his message, and Meredith's. You can pass that on."

"I'll pass it on."

"Call me in a few days."

"I will. Thanks, Addie. Glad you're in the clear."

"Bye."

"Bye."

Derek asks, "She's OK?"

"She's OK. Thanks you and Meredith for your messages. Questions whether either of us is human."

Pause.

"I saw Julia a couple of weeks ago. On the surgical floor."

"They're moving out here."

"No kidding."

"No kidding."

"I didn't think anyone could hate New Jersey that much."

"Or Scarsdale."

"Or New Rochelle."

"Or the whole state of Connecticut."

"I saw a bumper sticker the other day, it said 'Apocalypse Hoboken'."

"Oh, she'd like that."

"When are they coming?"

"August."

Pause.

"How are the girls? And Ma . . . your Mom?"

"They're good. Kathleen's coming out in August with her four. They'll camp on the land and she'll look after Julia's three."

"Nancy-Pants?"

"She's good."

"Claire?"

"She's got in-laws this week."

"With the sister?"

"She likes Claudine."

"Claire should try to sleep with her. She'd discover le côté noir."

"In your great career of seduction have you ever scored with a French woman?" (Claire met her French husband while studying medieval art and literature in France. Her sister-in-law is Mark's age, but Mark was clearly not her type.)

There's a pause while Mark thinks.

"No."

"Get over yourself. You're a quintessentially American fuck."

Mark's real laugh (as opposed to his naughty chuckle) can only be surprised out of him, it's an explosive sound and actually draws a smile from Derek. "Thanks, man. That means a lot, coming from you."

Pause. Derek gets two more beers from the refrigerator.

"I saw, uh, your Mom prowling the halls in January."

"She came out for about a month, to meet Meredith, get caught up, see the land."

"She looked good."

"Yeah."

"You and Meredith going to make it permanent?"

"Most likely."

"Do I congratulate you?"

"Not yet."

Pause.

Derek asks, "You want to talk about the serious stuff, or just have some company around?"

"Just the company for now. Mindless entertainment is good."

"Meredith plays Pac Man on the computer."

"That's so 80's of her."

"And we have all these DVDs."

"What's Meredith's favorite movie? I'll watch it, see if I have a human reaction."

They go inside and Derek hunts among the DVDs and comes up with _High Fidelity_.

"She likes this. She tried to get me to watch last week. It's about three guys in a state of arrested development, it has great music and a realistic happy ending."

"OK. You do what you do, and I'll watch this. Hey, man . . ."

"What?"

"How long can you put up with me here?"

"You can bring your laundry over tomorrow."

"Thanks, man. I really appreciate this."

"Don't worry about it."

When it's time cook Derek comes downstairs from his office. He bought ground beef on the way home so he could grill burgers for a manfood dinner. Just before Derek lights the grill Mark's phone rings. His side of the conservation starts out innocuously enough: a glad "Hey!" and "I remember it, yeah." and "Are you kidding me?" and "Oh, _man!_" and then an explosive curse that drives Derek out of earshot. Clearly it's a private call.

When the kitchen is silent Derek returns and resumes preparations. "I should have asked you if there are foods you can't tolerate."

"That call was from my own personal Typhoid Mary."

"What, you mean the woman who maybe gave you HIV?"

"Yeah."

Derek stops cooking again. "Talk about it or not talk about it?"

"Ask me anything."

"Does she know how long she's been positive?"

"Her doctor thinks a couple of years."

"Where you with her just once?"

"Yeah. Well, lately."

"So you know when it was?"

"Yeah. Well. She knew."

"How long ago?"

"About five months."

"Why did you get tested now?"

"A woman I knew in New York called maybe a month ago. She'd just found out she's HIV positive. Her clinic wanted her to dig back a couple of years. She's probably been positive for some time."

"What does your doctor say about timing?"

"He thinks it was very recent."

"How many women have you been with since 'Mary'?"

"Her name is really Nancy."

Derek's tone has a warning in it. "Mark."

"Yeah. She is."

"Is _what_?"

"Your sister."

Derek absorbs this blow in silence. His default reaction to a bad situation is to get angry, and he wants to blow up at Mark, but since Julia's visit when he and Meredith first talked about his temper he's been more aware of the impulse to blow up and more able to control it. Besides, Mark may be _a_ bad guy in this situation, but not the _only_ bad guy, and maybe not the baddest of the bad guys. When Nancy came to Seattle just after he and Addison divorced, Nancy's defense of Addison ("Everybody sleeps with Mark. It's practically a rite of passage.") caused Derek to suspect that even though _everyone_ has not slept with Mark, Nancy _has_. Mark starts to speak but Derek interrupts.

"How did Nancy get it?"

"Rob." Rob is Nancy's husband.

"How did Rob get it?"

"He had an affair with his secretary just after Maddie was born. I don't know if you knew, but Nancy had a hard time after Maddie."

"It's not the sort of thing she'd tell me."

"You had your head up your ass anyway."

Derek's head snaps up, his icy indigo glare blazing, but in a moment he turns his eyes away. "Yeah, I did."

"She went through a couple of months of post-partum depression."

"Addie must have known."

"You had just gone AWOL."

"How do you know about it?"

"When you weren't available Addie talked to me."

"Why did Nancy and Rob have HIV tests?"

"Life insurance screening."

"Ow. . . How are they handling it?"

"Badly. Rob's in lockdown with a bottle of vodka and Nancy's climbing the walls."

"What have they done so far?"

"Just their own GPs."

"They haven't seen an infectious disease specialist?"

"They have appointments for the day after tomorrow."

"Does anybody else know?"

"No. Nancy didn't want me to tell you. She doesn't know I'm here. She didn't want me to tell anyone, not Addie, not you, she doesn't want your family to know."

"She should at least tell my Mom, Mom would help with the kids while Nancy and Rob are going through shock."

"They have a lot of household help, a nanny, a cook, a driver, all that."

"Oh."

"You didn't know that either?"

"No. I don't think I've been to their place since they moved."

"You haven't."

"How do you know that?"

"Nancy."

"Would it help Nancy if you told her everything you know about HIV prognosis and treatment?"

"I did, everything I could think of. I'm not sure she took it in. She didn't expect me to know already."

"Would it do any good to call back and talk to her again?"

"Probably, but I need to eat."

"I'll be quiet. Call from the porch. I'll shut the door. Do you know if she's taken anything? She's the kind that keeps a bottle of Valium around."

"I'd remark on how judgmental that sounds if it weren't a good idea."

"Do you want to eat out there or in here?"

"Here is easier. Rap on the window when it's ready."

Derek hurries with the food. The grill is on the porch, so he pan-fries instead. He cooks Mark's burger well-done, HIV patients are more susceptible to food-borne illnesses than the general population. Derek mentally kicks himself for offering beer, some drugs aren't compatible with alcohol, and though Mark should know if he shouldn't be drinking, Derek's never known Mark to turn down a beer. When the food is ready Derek cuts Mark's burger into bite-sized pieces so he can eat and still talk. He feels silly, but he does it, even though he expects Mark to mock him. He raps on the window, waits for Mark's signal that he heard, and takes his own plate upstairs to the office so he can't overhear.

Apparently Mark's phone call helps, Derek can hear Mark's voice, he's doing most of the talking. Derek has the sudden urge to call Meredith but the ER frowns on incoming calls for good reason. He sends her a text message to call him if she can, and tries to get back to his work. He ends up playing Pac Man on the computer instead. He never understood Meredith's affection for Pac Man, but the game is mesmerizing, it takes his mind off this new trouble and drowns out Mark's voice. Derek doesn't hear Mark ascending the stairs and approaching the office either.

"Hey, Buddy. You said Meredith plays Pac Man."

"This is my first time."

"Good score for a first game."

"Surgeons are known for dexterity."

Pause. Mark's curious about something but he wants to ease into it.

"Calling her back was a good idea. So was the Valium."

"Did she listen?"

"I had her write everything down."

"Smart."

"Why didn't you go ballistic when I told you about me and Nancy?"

"I already knew."

"She told you?"

"I don't think she intended to."

"Oh, man. When was that?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Did you know about Rob?"

"No."

"Can you keep it quiet?"

"I'm very, very sick of secrets. And lies." Derek conveys more feeling than he intended or expected.

"Maybe she'll realize the family can take it when she gets used to it. I told her that you and Addie and Meredith know about me, that you're helping."

"Did she believe you?"

"She might have if I told her you cut up my food for me."

"Do not mock the hand that feeds you. Anyway, I did it for her."

"How's that?"

"She used to bitch at her friends for eating when she was on the phone with them."

"She didn't say anything to me."

"Valium works."

"Say something nice about her."

Derek pauses. Mark lifts his eyebrows, challenging Derek to think of something good about his sister.

"I'm thinking."

Pause.

"You can't think of anything nice about Nancy?"

"You played tricks on her, same as I did. You thought of most of them."

"She forgave me."

"She didn't forgive me. I'm doing penance for both of us."

"She's pissed because you got Julia and Claire and me. You're a sibling hog."

"Magnet. Not hog."

There's another pause while Derek thinks this idea over. "Is that really her problem?"

"What?"

"Julia and Claire."

"And me."

"Nancy couldn't stand you until she was about 15."

"Thirteen. Nancy's liked me since she was 13. Do you really dislike her?"

"It's hard to like anybody who dislikes me as much as Nancy does."

"No, it's not."

"What do you know about it?"

"Man, I don't want to get mushy here, but I still like _you_ and you've treated me like shit for two years."

"Mark, you slept with my wife."

"Look, man, she slept with me too. There were two of us in the situation. Three, if you count the absentee husband." Mark pauses but he's not finished. "And you forgave _her_."

"How do you know that?"

"You don't talk to me, man, but other people do. Addie does."

Pause.

"So why can you forgive her but not me?"

Mark has been leaning on the printer table since he came into the office but now he sprawls on Meredith's chair in the corner, where Meredith keeps Derek company when he has to work but they haven't seen enough of each other for a while. The chair reminds Derek of Meredith and how she coached him in the process of forgiving Addison. Mark in the chair indicates to Derek that Mark intends to have this conversation if at all possible. Derek doesn't want to talk about it, but he anticipated the possibility when he invited Mark and decided he'd deal with it if he had to. But a few diversionary tactics are fair game. "What was the question?"

"You're stalling, man."

"Break it down.'

"Huh?"

"That's at least two questions you asked."

"Huh?"

"Why did I forgive Addie and why didn't I forgive you?"

"OK."

"So, break it down."

"Why did you forgive Addie?"

"We weren't a good couple. I got tired of fighting and moved into the OR. She did what she did. She was sorry. Some of it was my fault. After all the dust settled, I was happier than since we were married. If she hadn't done what she did I'd still be miserable in New York."

"OK, why not me?"

"Nothing off that list applies to you."

"You'd still be miserable in New York."

"Different context."

"How?"

"Addie and I were unhappy and she cheated. It was the wrong way out of a bad situation, but it was a way out. You slept with my wife. Now I'm unhappy with you. It's backwards."

"You were unhappy with me before you were unhappy with Addie."

"I was?"

"I hardly ever saw you, man."

"Everybody hardly ever saw me. My mother hardly ever saw me. I wasn't unhappy with my mother."

"There was more to it than that."

"What are you talking about?"

"We were like brothers, man. Then we were just racquetball partners."

"Are you trying to make a point?"

"Yeah."

"Try harder. I don't get it."

"The manwhore thing. You judge me for that."

"OK. I do."

"What gives you the right to judge me for that?"

"What denies me the right to judge you for that?"

"We were like brothers."

"I judge Nancy. Nancy judges me. I'd tell Julia what I thought if I thought she was wrong."

"You didn't tell me you thought I was wrong."

"So which are you complaining about, that I judged you or that I didn't tell you I judged you?"

"I'm saying that we were like brothers, and then we weren't, and you made the decision without talking to me."

"If you didn't like the decision why didn't you talk to me?"

"I'm talking to you now, man. Better late than never."

"Well, say something I can respond to."

"It was an accident, me and Addie. Neither one of us intended it."

"What happened?"

"She never told you?"

"I never asked."

"She didn't know about the racquetball game we had scheduled. She heard me coming up the stairs and thought it was you. I thought _she_ was scheduled in surgery and you were in the shower. She came out in a towel all happy to see you early, and burst out crying that it was me. We talked and I hugged her and one thing led to another. I only know one way to comfort a woman."

Pause. This one is a long pause.

"Why did you cheat on her?"

"I'm kind of compulsive."

"Kind of."

"Be nice to the kid with the HIV."

"OK, well, you weren't always compulsive, so what happened?"

"I should have stayed in New York for university."

"Why?"

"Without you and your mom and your sisters I kind of lost my grip."

"Your grip on what?"

"My shrink says - "

Derek interrupts. "I don't want to know what your shrink says. What do you say?"

"The point. I lost my grip on the point of the whole exercise."

"What exercise?"

Pause. Another long pause. A really long pause. Derek begins to wonder if he should ask again but some instinct compels him to wait and finally the answer comes.

"Life."

"How does a lot of meaningless sex help?"

"It's kind of like a drug."

"Prozac is supposed to be good."

"I told you man, don't mock me."

"Well you're pissing me off. You go to a shrink. You know what your problems are and you don't do anything to help yourself. You're hurting people. Where was my 'brother' when we were in college? We didn't hang out for four years because you were desperately seeking sex, sleeping it off, or getting ready for the next hunt. I thought you got over that in med school, but now I understand, it's an addiction, it's compulsive. That doesn't change that fact that now _you've_ got _your_ head up your ass."

Pause.

"Shit."

"Yeah."

Pause.

"Is there a phoenix in the flame?"

"Meredith is allowed to quote that kind of crap on the condition that she translates it."

"Man, you don't have any culture at all.'

"Is that relevant now?"

"So we burned down one friendship, can we grow a new one?"

"That's the phoenix in the flame?"

"Yeah."

"Probably."

"There's one other thing."

"What's that?"

"I'm in love with Addie."

"She's a free woman, Mark. And for what it's worth, I think she loves you."

"She loves you too."

"I doubt that would hold her back."

"Can I ask your advice?"

"You can ask. I'll help if I can."

"Going to the shrink made everything worse. Yeah, then I knew what was wrong, but they don't tell you how to fix it."

"How many shrinks did you try?"

"Just that one."

"That one was no good. The ones that don't tell you how to fix it help you figure out how to fix it yourself."

"Have you ever been to one?"

"Marriage counseling with Addie."

"Was it any good?"

"I wasn't any good. I wasn't even trying."

"So what would you do?"

"Meredith could give you advice. Your father was a lot like Ellis. She didn't have a father, you didn't have a mother. Once I got a load of Ellis's rage. She was meaner than your father verbally, but she didn't have the fists and she didn't drink. There are a couple of things that turned it around for Meredith. She would talk to you about it."

"The Dirt - "

"Grounds for immediate eviction."

"Oh, right."

"I think that's one of the problems. You put yourself down. You think you're worthless, don't you?"

"I'm good at my work. I'm a good fuck."

"Good to know the second one. My point was, you can get over it. Thinking you're worthless. Meredith got over it. She got herself over it. Various events or circumstances gave her new ideas, and she – oh, fuck it, I don't know how she did it, but she did. She got me over being the jerk I was. Anti-depressants are good, you should talk to your HIV doctor. He'd know. He probably knows shrinks if you want to try that again."

"So what are we, are we friends now?"

"We're working on it."

"Addison's Exes."

"Grounds for immediate eviction."

_AN: I'm guessing that viral load at the time a patient tests HIV positive is a rough indicator of how long the virus has been active, and therefore approximately when the patient got the virus. I've tried to verify this assumption, but can't find relevant information. It seems a logical guess, so I'm going to use it, but with the caveat that I am not sure it's true._


	29. Lost Connection

**Lost Connection**

Meredith remembers how eagerly Cristina told her that she and Burke were getting married. On break from the ER Meredith spots Cristina alone in the cafeteria and can't wait to tell Cristina her own news. Only Cristina's response is not what Meredith expected.

"You're going to do it. Become Mrs. Dr. McDreamy. Seriously?"

"Not immediately."

"How long is the reprieve?"

"Reprieve? Do you seriously not like Derek? I thought you disliked him because of Addison and all the rest of that, but, you know, we've worked all that out, he won't hurt me again, he's good for me. Do you still not like him, seriously?"

Cristina pauses and thinks. "You're asking if I like McDreamy?"

"Yeah."

Cristina pauses and thinks again. "I plead The Fifth."

"You plead The Fifth. Seriously? So maybe you don't like him and don't want to say so to my face? Or maybe you do like him, and you don't want him to know?"

"Meredith, the whole point of The Fifth is that the witness does not testify, does not answer the question. The jury is not allowed to draw inferences."

"Right. No inferences."

"Look, I got to get back to the ICU. I'll see you later."

"Cristina?"

"Yeah? What."

"Are we not friends anymore? We were friends, is that changed?"

"Meredith, you know I don't talk about - "

"Our first day I told you about Derek, but now I can't?"

"That was different."

"It's only the bad stuff you want to hear about?"

"Look, you and McDreamy – it's a Happy Meal – it's – crap, I can't deal with it."

"Happy Meal? Did you just call me a Happy Meal?"

"Yeah, whatever, I gotta get back to work."

On her way back to the OR Meredith wonders what just happened. Did they have a fight? Is that how they always conversed and Meredith's forgotten how because she hasn't seen Cristina for so long? Does Cristina prefer screwed up, dark and twisty Meredith? Have they lost their connection?

Meredith returns to the ER and checks on her patients. She's got a man with an infected gall bladder ready for surgery, a women with a greenstick fracture of the tibia debating surgery vs. a cast with the attending orthopedist (who is at home) via the orthopedic resident, a child with a high fever waiting for the last round of labs, a young girl with a nasty urinary tract infection being held for Children and Family Services because the ER attending, Dr. Sommers, suspects her parents kept her from medical care until evidence of sexual abuse was obscured, and an elderly man with double vision waiting for MRI. She checks the gall bladder and broken leg for pain, the fever for hydration and progress on labs, the young girl for hydration and pain and helps her through the difficult process of urinating, and calls orderlies to help her take her old guy to MRI, which is now free.

The OR is ready for her gall bladder patient when she returns from MRI, so Meredith takes him and his wife down to the surgical floor to meet the surgeon, who turns out to be Dr. Bailey. Meredith introduces Dr. Bailey and helps the patient and his wife with the consent forms while Dr. Bailey examines the patient and studies his x-ray and ultrasound. When the patient is whisked away to the OR Meredith takes his wife to the waiting room and explains one more time how Dr. Bailey will remove the gall bladder and finally the wife is able to listen and understand.

When she returns to the ER, negotiations between the orthopedic attending and the woman with the broken tibia are settled. Instead of surgery, which would ensure the fractured bone remains correctly aligned, the patient will have a cast and she'll be x-rayed every week until the alignment is stable. If the tibia does slip out of alignment in the cast the patient will require surgery, but she's willing to take that risk. The resident is nervous about the precarious alignment of the bones, so he and Meredith put on the equivalent of two casts. Finally Meredith teaches the patient how to use the crutches and wheelchair and discharges her.

Meredith has a lull after that, and checks her phone for any messages from home, wondering how Derek and Mark are getting along. There's two text messages from Derek, one to call if she can, and the other saying they're OK but call if she can. Her resident sends her on a second break at 2:00 so she calls Derek but hangs up after two rings. She figures if Derek's awake he'll call back and if he's not, two rings won't wake him. He doesn't call back so her mind is free to wonder about Cristina.

Meredith and Cristina don't know each other in the manner of ordinary "best friends." They don't confide much to each other, Cristina confides even less than Meredith so Meredith often doesn't understand Cristina's motives. She doesn't know why Cristina allowed Burke to push her into stages of their relationship that Cristina clearly wasn't ready for. Meredith remembers the morning Cristina got "keyed" and her complaints about being "keyed" but Cristina used the key that very night and Meredith doesn't know why.

Their connection was on a level that didn't require exchanges of information. They could push each other to keep going, to acknowledge truth, to accept consolation: when Cristina pulled Meredith back to consciousness after the ferry crash accident, when Cristina asked Meredith what she would do about the bank robberies, when Meredith hugged the pregnant Cristina, when Meredith asked Cristina for something, anything to keep Meredith moving while she held the bomb in the guy's chest as the bomb squad moved the gurney to a safer room.

When Addison arrived and Burke broke up with Cristina while she was pregnant, Meredith and Cristina lived and worked through their agony together. When Burke left Cristina and Meredith and Derek broke up, Meredith and Cristina lived and worked through that agony together. While Meredith's and Derek's relationship flourished and Cristina remained alone, Cristina became distant. Meredith doesn't believe Cristina is jealous, jealousy requires meanness and Cristina isn't mean by nature. Maybe Meredith shouldn't have told Cristina about her impending engagement. Maybe Cristina hasn't recovered from Burke's defection and she can't join in Meredith's happiness right now. Despite their old connection, maybe Meredith isn't the person who can help Cristina now. If so, Meredith can understand things from Cristina's point of view, but it's painful that she can't help the person – her person – who helped Meredith through so many hard times. But Meredith will never know if this conclusion is correct, because Cristina will never talk about it.

When she returns to the ER Derek is there, huddled around MRI films with Dr. Sommers, and the neurosurgery resident and the senior radiologist. Meredith presumes these are the MRIs from the old guy with the double vision. She goes to check on him. He's dead.

She smacks the code blue button, begins CPR and tells someone to fetch Dr. Sommers. He quickly ascertains that a neighbor, Wanda, brought the patient to the hospital, but she knows nothing about his wishes for organ donation. His wife is home, but she has multiple sclerosis and sometimes dementia, so the ER doctors can't discuss organ donation with her. The patient had an ugly aneurysm in the brain stem, the cause of his double vision and ultimately his death. The hemorrhage caused instant brain death and resuscitation is only appropriate for an organ donor, so they stop CPR. Dr. Sommers instructs Meredith to take Wanda, who is struggling to remain calm, to the conference room for greater privacy and get her something to drink to ward off shock. They have to figure out how to notify the patient's wife and other family members, since his wife isn't competent to deal with the situation alone. Normally a social worker would handle such a case, but it's the middle of the night and they are imposing on a neighbor, not family, so Dr. Sommers dispatches the senior ER resident to the patient's home with Wanda.

Most of the labs are back for the child with high fever. Despite hydration the fever remains high, and with the elevated white blood cell count, the high sed rate (which indicates inflammation) and the child's headache, they suspect a form of encephalitis so Meredith has the child admitted to the Infectious Disease service. Children and Family Services arrives for the young girl and Meredith briefs the social worker and the incoming resident on the case. She helps the girl urinate again, it's a messy process because the drug that relieves pain in the urethra turns urine orange, which upsets the girl (Dr. Sommers suspects it reminds the girl of blood). The girl has a fever now, so Meredith explains to the girl that a fever is normal in the course of a urinary tract infection. Meredith stays with the girl until she's relaxed and as comfortable as possible before she signs out at 8:00 am.

This night has everything Meredith doesn't like about the ER. She'll never know what becomes of the girl who may have been abused. She'll never know the cause and outcome of the high fever. She'll never know how the old man's wife, who is ill herself, copes with the sudden death of her husband and caretaker.

And she'll never know for sure why she lost Cristina.


	30. Her Person, His Sister, Their Friend

**Her Person, His Sister, Their Friend**

In the final moments of that grueling shift, Meredith hatches a plan to tackle Cristina one more time: if she can intercept Cristina at her motorcycle, maybe she can get Cristina to answer questions. Usually Meredith changes out of scrubs and into street clothes after a shift, but today she skips that step in her rush to get to the parking lot. Cristina doesn't like to talk about emotions, hers or anyone else's, but Meredith isn't going to accept that constraint today. Cristina is going back to Stanford in July, Meredith is going to New York next week, she doesn't have a lot of time to bring their friendship back from whatever crisis it's in. Since Cristina doesn't return calls or answer emails, Meredith with just have to stalk her.

Her plan works. Meredith is perched on the seat of Cristina's motorcycle when Cristina approaches.

"Meredith, what, are you stalking me?"

"Yeah, because you're avoiding me."

"So? You should respect that I'd rather keep to myself."

"Maybe I will respect it if you explain it."

"You know I don't do the talking thing."

"You can answer 20 questions."

"Oh, come _on,_ Meredith. Give me a break."

"No, you give _me_ a break. If you're dumping me you don't get to slink back to Stanford without telling me why you dumped me. And if you're not dumping me, you have to tell me what's going on."

"Why. Why do I have to tell you anything?"

"Because we're friends, that's why. Because I got that freakin' choker and wedding dress off you. Because you were holding my feet when I woke up from the ferry crash accident. Because I was going to drive you home from the clinic. You chose me. You want to unchoose me, you tell me why."

Cristina resigns herself. "OK. 20 questions. And don't think I'm not counting."

"Not in the parking lot. The cafeteria?"

"No. The coffee cart."

"What, are you afraid you'll get comfortable talking to me?"

"Don't be an ass."

"Shut up. I'm your person."

The two women trudge back into the hospital, Cristina looking grim, Meredith looking determined. They buy coffees from the cart, and on Meredith's insistence, go to the lobby where they can put down their gear and sit, not comfortably, as Meredith points out, since they're under the scrutiny of the entire hospital.

"Go on. I'm not sitting here all morning. First question."

"Do we agree that you'll tell the truth, no matter what?"

"What no matter what? What's the 'what'?"

"How much it hurts. No matter how much it hurts."

"Jesus, Meredith. Why did you pick today to torture me?"

"You called me a Happy Meal."

"First question."

"Are you over Burke?'

Cristina answers very unwillingly. "No."

"Do you dislike Derek?"

Cristina has no problem with that question. "Yes."

"Did you know I didn't like Burke?"

Cristina's surprised by that one. "No."

"Did you really like my mother when she was lucid?"

"I did, yeah. I didn't like the way she treated you, but I liked her otherwise."

"Are you leaving Seattle to get away from the memory of Burke?"

"Partly."

"Did I let you down in some way?"

"No."

"But you are avoiding me?"

"Yes."

"Because I'm happy?"

"Not entirely."

"Because I'm with Derek?"

"Not really."

"Because I'm not dark and twisty?"

"You aren't?"

"That's not an answer."

"I don't care if you're dark and twisty or bright and shiny."

"Bullshit. You decided we were friends because I said I'd snap and kill George and Izzie some day."

"That's not a question."

"Am I not your person anymore?"

"You're still my person."

"Then why are you avoiding me?"

"Why isn't allowed in the 20 questions format."

"Crap."

"You have seven questions left."

"Is it a competitive thing?"

"Don't be ridiculous."

"Do YOU know why you're avoiding me?"

"Kind of."

"Well, stop being a jerk and tell me."

"We're just not in sync right now. We don't have stuff in common."

"Bullshit."

"What do we have in common?"

"We never had anything in common except working in the same place at the same time. We weren't friends because we were happy in love or unhappy in love at the same time. That's not what made us friends."

"So why are we friends?"

Meredith has an inspiration. "We're each other's bosses. I'm the only person you know that's bossy enough to tell you what to do and you're the only person I know that's bossy enough to tell me what to do."

That actually gets a laugh out of Cristina. "That's kind of true."

"Are you avoiding me because you think I'll make you talk about Burke?"

"I guess. You're talking to your sisters and McDreamy's family and you even went to your father's house, I heard. You're like Dr. Fix-It. I don't want to be fixed."

"A Happy Meal. And now Dr. Fix-It?"

"Whatever."

"You don't need fixing."

Cristina's voice sounds tired, and her face looks defeated. "I do, actually. I'm miserable and depressed. But I don't want to talk about it."

"So we won't talk about it. Do you mind that I'm not miserable and depressed?"

"Don't be ridiculous. The only person I want to be miserable and depressed is Burke."

"OK."

"That's you demonstrating you won't try to make me talk about Burke?"

"Yeah."

"Burke was bossy."

"He'd have to be. You don't respect anyone who's not."

"Yeah."

"I wasn't talking about it. Just responding."

"I get it."

"What's your shift tomorrow?"

"Same as today."

"Let's have breakfast after. I want to hear about your fellowship. You're leaving soon and I'm going away next week."

"Where are you going?"

"New York."

"And you're coming back engaged?"

"Who told you?"

"Your sister. She's a talker, that one."

"I'd have told you myself if I could pin you down long enough."

"Don't guilt trip me over this."

"OK." Meredith stands up and Cristina stands up and they drag themselves and their gear back out to the parking lot. They both look happier than when they came into the coffee cart.

When Meredith gets home Derek and Mark are arguing in the kitchen.

"Mark, she has to know. I can't carry out a charade like that. It doesn't change anything, there's no reason to be secret."

"I promised her I wouldn't tell you."

"OK, you didn't tell me. You were here and – "

Meredith wanders in and asks "Tell who what? Are you boys having secrets?"

Mark looks at the table, where he's sitting. Derek looks across the table at Mark. Meredith looks puzzled at both of them. The silence stretches until Mark shrugs so Derek explains, "Nancy and her husband just found out they're HIV positive. Mark and Nancy were together at Christmas. Nancy doesn't want anyone in the family to know, but Mark was here when she called him, so I know. Now you know. I think Nancy should know that we know. You're a terrible liar and I'm not much better."

"Look, Derek, I don't need another reason for another Shepard sister to hate me. You tell Nancy, she'll blame me, that wipes out the whole family for me."

"Mark, she'll blame me. She blamed me for you and Addie. There is no way that she'll blame you."

Meredith decides to get out of the kitchen. "OK, guys. I'll leave you to it."

But Mark turns to her, "Meredith, wait, I'm not driving you out of the kitchen in your own house." He turns back to Derek, "Look, man, you do what you got to do. Just give me fair warning." Then he gets coffee and a plate for Meredith, and serves her the breakfast that's been staying warm on the stove for her.

"Thanks, Mark. Did you have a good night?"

"Yeah, I did. You have a great house here. I really appreciate you letting me stay."

"You're very welcome, really."

Derek interjects, "Mark, I want to get it over with, I'm calling her now."

"OK, man, do what you gotta do."

Derek picks up his phone and selects Nancy from the phone book and waits. Meredith says "One ringy-dingy." and Mark answers "Oh, classic! Laugh-In, right?" before Derek lifts his hand. Meredith and Mark listen in, Meredith because she's hungry and doesn't want to leave her breakfast, and Mark because he wants to know if he's in trouble with Nancy.

"Hey Nancy."

"Yeah, it's me. Can I talk to you for a second? Are you in the middle of something?"

"No, calm down, nothing's wrong, I need to tell you something."

"Mark's staying with us for a couple of days. He told us to be nice to the kid with HIV, so we're being nice." Meredith looks at Mark quizzically, but Mark can't mime an answer, so they resume their eavesdropping.

"Yes. So I know. It doesn't change anything, Nancy. Nothing. We're still the two Shepard kids who don't get along. I'm still your bratty little brother who played tricks on you. Nothing is changed. Look, I'll see you in a week and I can't pretend I don't know what you're going through. I'm not a good enough liar."

"It's your phone, you can cry if you want to."

"Yes, Mark told us a couple of days ago."

"Right. Mark had to tell Addie and she had to tell me, while he didn't know when he was exposed."

"Addie's fine. She called last night too."

"He didn't, you told me yourself. I already knew you two were, uh . . . yeah . . . right, what you said."

"Because when you busted my ass over Addie with Mark you said 'everybody sleeps with Mark, it's a rite of passage.' There was something about the way you said it. I knew you were one of the 'everybody'."

"I'm not judging you, Nancy, it's not my business. It's between you and Rob. If you two are happy or comfortable together, how you achieve it is not my business. Are you happy, I mean, barring this crisis?"

"I'm glad about that."

"Sure, I'd judge you if you didn't feed your kids enough. But not your marriage."

"You were out of line then, but you apologized for the slutty intern remark. We're over it. And I understand how close you and Addie were. Are."

"OK, maybe I used to be that judgmental, but not now, not anymore. All I've done the last decade is screw up. Who am I to judge?"

"You set the rules on that. If you want to talk about it, I'm here for you. Something you never expected me to say, right?"

"The night Addie called to tell me to get tested, I collected a lot of research on doctor-patient transmissions. The bottom line is for surgeons, there aren't any. It's probably the same for OB/GYNs. I can dig into that if you want. I can send you what I have in the meantime."

"Of course I won't tell anybody."

"No, I won't tell Julia or Mom."

"No, Claire doesn't read my mind. If you want to keep it to yourself I'll respect that. It's not my story to tell."

"No, I won't tell anyone I was tested."

"Meredith won't either."

"Being a bad liar doesn't mean I'm going to "out" you. I swear I won't show any unusual concern."

"Right, that would be 'any' concern. See? Nothing's changed. We still don't get along. I'm still bratty and you're still annoying."

"So, how's Rob?

"I guess it would be harder on him. But you're over that? Even with this?'

"Wow, Nancy, you could get sainted for that."

"See? Still bratty, still annoying."

"Are the kids OK? Tania hasn't started wondering if something's up?"

"That's good. I didn't realize you'd struck it quite so rich."

"Yes, Mark reminds me daily where my head was those days."

"Yes, and now that's Mark's problem. Tell him if you talk to him, would you? He needs to hear it from a trusted source."

"How are the twins? And Maddie?"

Derek laughs, genuinely amused. "Oh, she's bad! Cosmic role reversal revenge."

"You could call Rob Robert, so Robbie could be Rob."

"I'll pull Robbie aside next Sunday and tell him to remind his Dad that he should have thought of that."

"Do you still feel up to a whole-day Shepard fest?"

"That's nice of you."

"So it's OK that I called?"

"Good."

"OK. Call if you want to obsess about it."

"What's a bratty little brother for?"

"OK. Goodbye." Derek clicks "OFF" and closes his phone.

"Nancy's fine Mark, she's not angry. She said she's glad somebody knows, she feels like less of a pariah."

"OK. Glad you did the right thing then. I got to get to the hospital, Margaret Spelling's gonna hand me my ass again today."

"Tell her to be nice to the kid with the HIV." Mark laughs as he leaves Meredith and Derek alone in the kitchen.

"Busy night in the ER?"

"Yeah. How was it here?"

"Drama and manly emotion. I wish I could answer all the questions I can see you have, but I've got an 11:00 surgery. Get some sleep."

With a quick kiss Derek's gone, and Meredith's sleepy at last.

The next day Meredith and Cristina have a good time on their breakfast date. Cristina talks freely about her upcoming fellowship; she explains that she always intended to apply, but expected to have to work for up to four years at Seattle Grace before she qualified for it. Burke's tremor accelerated her training by two years, maybe more. She doesn't know if Burke was explicit about all he taught her, but she's convinced the cardio-surgery team at Stanford wouldn't have accepted her if she didn't qualify. She'll probably have to jump back into general surgery from time to time, but she's very happy at the prospect of spending most of her time doing the work she likes best.

"I know I got to get over Burke, I just don't see that happening when I'm not even happy at work."

Meredith doesn't know how to reply, since she agreed not to be Dr. Fix-It.

Cristina cracks a grin. "You can say whatever you want. I don't care now."

"I don't know what to say. I feel like I let you down."

"Nah – you didn't. I did a crapload of reading on depression over the winter. I didn't learn anything much. The idea to fix the work first from an advice column."

"I cannot see you reading an advice column."

"Once. I only read one once. It had this thing about fixing one thing at a time. I thought: what else could I fix? It hit me, I'm not happy here. I'm ready to specialize, these rotations have no purpose for me. I hate the rain. I hate that everybody knows about Burke. I want to go back to Stanford. So I applied."

"You're sure Burke's not there?"

"Yeah, I Googled him a couple of days ago. He's at Johns Hopkins."

"So you'll stay on the West Coast."

"Yeah. I can come to your wedding."

"When are you leaving?"

"I finish here at the end of June, start there July 14th."

"You said we'd celebrate."

"Got any ideas?"

"It's vaguely Burke related."

"OK, Dr. Fix-It. What would a Happy Meal do?"

"Remember the time he tried a date? You didn't have anything to talk about, he was all about the lobster and olive oil, you wanted butter and steak? You didn't have fun until somebody yelled 'Is there a doctor in the house?' Right?"

"Yeah. The worst and the best date ever."

"We'd do the anti-date. Butter, steak, no surgery, but we'd have stuff to talk about. I could point out every man staring at you in that dress. You did look hot."

"Smokin' hot."

"What do you think?"

"You realize this constitutes asking me out."

"Shut up, I'm your person."

Meredith has today off, then she has the day shift Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, and leaves for New York the day after that. She has to make all her preparations for the trip today. She hasn't started to panic about the trip yet; the ER has that effect on her, it leaves no room to think about anything else. She has only today to focus on New York, the Shepard family, and the ring of engagement. But when she gets home she finds another friend who needs her help.

Mark is in the kitchen staring into a cold cup of coffee when Meredith gets home. He looks up and leans back in his chair and says "Hey." He looks tired.

"Hey yourself." Meredith sits down opposite him and wonders what to say. Marks saves her the trouble.

"Derek says you can give me advice."

"Me?"

"Yeah, you. We have a lot in common, he says. My father, your mother. My mother, your father. He says you got over it, the self-loathing. I went to this shrink, I told you what he said – 'I'm self-loathing and self-destructive to an almost pathological degree.' Diagnosis, no treatment. There is a cure, right? Look at you. You were a mess and now you're not. How did you do it?"

"What's your father like?"

"Derek says your mother was more verbally abusive, my father was more physically abusive. And drunk."

"Oh, Mark, I'm sorry. What's your mother like?"

"I don't know. She died when I was born. Placental abruption. She was diabetic, should not have gotten pregnant."

"I'm so sorry."

"Derek lived on the next block. His Dad treated me in the ER, told me to come by their house. I guess he suspected abuse but there wasn't much protection for kids then. I started hanging out with Derek. Then his Mom started to look after me, insist I stay for dinner if my father wasn't home, stay over if my father was home and drunk. His sisters treated me the same as Derek. I almost convinced myself I was their brother."

"Did something come between you two? I mean, before Addison?"

"We didn't go to school together. My father had me in private schools. If I had stayed in New York for university, it might have been OK. I went to Duke instead. No family life there. I substituted sex for family life. It got compulsive, the sex."

"Oh, I know that feeling."

"Yeah. But you got over it. How did you get over it?"

"The sex or the self-loathing?"

"Start with the sex."

"I wanted to visit Europe, and I wanted to take a friend. She wouldn't come unless I stopped drinking, my drunken antics embarrassed her. The sex was gross without tequila. In med school I didn't have time. I was lonely, but not disgusted with myself, which was better. Especially since sex didn't help with loneliness for more than one night."

"How about here?"

"You mean tequila and sex?"

"Yeah."

"Only for a couple of weeks after Derek went back to Addison and stayed. Then this horrendously humiliating thing happened. And everybody knew."

"Worse than being caught between the sheets with your best friend's wife, by the friend in question?"

"Oh, yes. Well, I think so. It's pretty subjective, I guess."

"Care to share?'

Meredith recounts the incident of Steve, the one-night stand who showed up at the hospital the morning after their liaison hiding an erection under his coat, an erection that responded to none of the usual procedures because it was caused by a tumor on the nerve that controls erection. Derek performed the surgery to remove the tumor and Meredith scrubbed in. She tries to do justice to George's advice, the chilling lines from _Silence of the Lambs_ delivered with George's sweet earnestness. The second incident, the aborted night with George, she doesn't tell. It's George's story too.

Meredith expects Mark to laugh, but he remains thoughtful as she recounts the gory details of bargaining with Cristina to do the enema, Derek asking Steve when he last ejaculated and Steve turning to Meredith for the answer, hearing the whispers and titters that followed in her wake that day. And the next. And the next.

Mark asks, "So you quit cold turkey?"

"Yeah."

"Huh."

"Did you have family other than your father?"

"I lived with my grandmother until I was five. When she died I lived with my father. As far as I know, there was nobody else."

"Did you feel like your grandmother loved you?"

"I don't remember much about her."

"What age were you when you landed in the ER?"

"I was in school, first grade."

"Did Derek or his Mom or Dad, did they – I don't really know how to say it – did you feel like you were just as good as them, like you deserved to be loved and part of a family? Or did you feel like you deserved to have a drunk and violent father who hit you?"

"I thought I should have a family like Derek's. I was pissed off that I didn't. I was the angry kid who gets detentions, suspensions, arrested when I was old enough."

"But you didn't act that way at Derek's house?"

"Hell, no."

"Do you still feel pissed off that – um – nobody loves you?"

"This is getting pretty personal, Grey."

"More personal than the guy with the penis that I broke?"

Meredith expects Mark's naughty chuckle, but she gets the real laugh, the explosive sound that can only be surprised out of Mark by something really funny, rich in irony and rife with farce. Meredith's never heard Mark's real laugh before. She knows other people see a funny side to her predicament with Steve, the guy whose penis she broke, but she was never able to see it herself. With Mark laughing his genuine laugh all of a sudden Meredith does see the funny side, and she laughs too.

"Mark, normally you'd say something dirty right about now, and I just want to say, don't say it."

"Never, Meredith. In your house, or around you, I'm a gentleman. Did we agree on doctor/patient confidentiality?"

"No, but you can't seriously think I'd tell anybody this stuff."

"Derek?"

"Of course not."

"He wouldn't want to know."

"Not because he doesn't care. You could talk to him if you wanted to."

"I know. I did. He said you'd been through this. He wasn't passing the buck, I don't think he has a clue about this. Self-loathing isn't one of his problems."

"So, yeah, of course we have doctor/patient confidentiality. Both of us. So you're pissed off because nobody loves you. You knew you didn't deserve a dead mom and a drunk father who hit you. Did you feel self-loathing when you were a kid?"

"No. I loathed my old man."

"Did you go to Columbia for medical school to be in New York again?"

"Yeah."

"And you reconnected with Derek and everybody?"

"Sort of. It was different though."

"How?"

"I didn't see much of them for the four years at Duke. People change a lot. I changed a lot. My spot on the bench was gone."

"You didn't see them at holidays, school vacation?"

"I didn't always go back to New York. My old man was getting pretty bad by then, if I fought back I'd hurt him."

"Did you explain to anybody? Derek? Eileen?"

"Well. No."

"But Derek's told me stuff about you in med school. You hung out with the Shepards then."

"I wasn't practically one of them anymore. Derek and Addie and I went through med school together. Derek would invite both of us to the shore with his mom, holiday dinners, stuff like that. Addie was in love with the Shepard sisters, she wanted to be one."

"Then what?"

"Derek and Addie didn't seem like a couple. She took him to the society events her parents dragged her to. They wanted her to meet a guy in their super-rich circle. Derek was for protection. She wouldn't take me because we went out at Duke, and I cheated on her, sort of. Then Addie married Derek. I'm not sure why she did that. I didn't think much would change, but gradually Derek and I became nothing but racquetball partners. And I resumed the compulsive sex. I occasionally managed to stop for a while, but it was definitely addiction. I couldn't stop for long."

"Have you, uh . . . stopped, um. . .now?"

"Yeah. The nursing staff started to wise up before Christmas. And then I found out about the HIV."

"So nobody at the hospital needs a test? You haven't slept with anybody since you were exposed?"

"Nope."

"Wow."

"Out of all this bullshit is there anything you could advise on?"

"Well. Yeah."

"Let's have it."

"Well, you need a family and love, everybody does, well most people do. My mother didn't. But you didn't have that at home so you found a substitute; Derek and the Shepards were a good substitute until Duke. Then you resorted to sex, same as I did. Sex wasn't what you really wanted or needed but that's the only "love" we knew how to get, I was the same way. Not being able to control your need for it makes you feel like crap. Well, it made me feel like crap."

"Me too."

"You know, anything I know is from what happened with me. So I can only extrapolate."

"Fair enough. I hope it gives me a clue what to do."

"OK. Well, my self-loathing came from Ellis's rage. She really didn't want a kid, any kid. I learned that from her in the nursing home. When she died and her rage died I could see it was never about me. That was my starting point."

"OK"

"I think what bothers you is that nobody loves you and you're afraid you're not lovable. You need human contact, you need friendship and love, but you have no family, and to drown out your longing for family and love you turned to sex, same as I did. With me it fed the self-loathing. Hating yourself isolates you, so your chances for love get dimmer and dimmer, so you have more pointless sex. And with someone like Addison, who – or whom? – anyway, I think you really love her, but you're afraid to find out that she doesn't love you, so you cheat on her and she leaves you and you don't have to discover for sure that you're not lovable. You burn your friends and isolate yourself more."

"Fuck me!" Mark's voice is despairing but Meredith doesn't know this expression and doesn't know what Mark means by it.

"_What?_"

"Sorry. Not literally. It's an expression. New York slang. Sorry. So what would you do?"

"I would get a pro. I would find a shrink. Maybe a woman, you could work with a women who is not a potential sex partner. Interview shrinks till you find someone you click with, communicate with. You want to learn to like yourself again, respect yourself. You should probably try anti-depressants, I had them in med school - my mothers doctors thought I needed them. They do help, they help a lot. Once you like yourself again you'll attract people. You're a charismatic guy, just stuck in this horrible rut."

"Huh. How did you learn to like yourself?"

"Derek."

"Derek?"

"When we met. He made me feel like I could love, be loved. I'd never felt that before."

"Huh. Derek."

"Maybe that's why you were such good friends. Maybe you felt it too."

"And then I slept with his wife."

"Have you ever told him you're sorry?"

"Not in so many words."

"Or Addison?"

"Never occurred to me."

"You should probably get on with that."

"OK. Will you do me another favor?"

"Probably."

"You seem to know what I should look for in a shrink. I wouldn't trust my opinion. Would you interview with me until I find somebody?'

"Sure. I'm Dr. Fix-It."


	31. Meredith Meets The Clan

**Meredtith Meets The Clan**

On a plane bound for New York Meredith finally has the chance to quiz Derek for details about his sisters and their husbands and their kids. She's surprised by his reply. "Get to know them as you meet them. The kids won't notice if you don't remember their names the first couple of times you speak to them. Nobody's keeping score. Relax. You ask them questions, they ask you questions. When your brain gets tired, come and find me."

"Don't you want me to make a good impression?"

"I want them to make a good impression."

Meredith thinks a minute. "That doesn't answer my question."

"Don't I want you to make a good impression?"

"Yeah."

"I want you to be you. I want you to be happy. I don't want you trying to earn points. I know 'the Shepard clan' sounds idyllic and I know Addie fell for that. I'm not going to make that mistake again. In reality there are people in the family who don't like each other much. Maybe you won't like somebody. Maybe somebody won't like you. It doesn't matter, OK?"

"OK."

"How do it go with Mark and the shrink last night?"

Meredith had accompanied Mark to an appointment with a psychiatrist when her ER shift ended the night before. She hesitates, not sure how to answer, not sure what Derek is asking or what Mark would want Derek to know. Derek reads her hesitation correctly.

"Within the boundaries of doctor/patient confidentiality, do you think you can help Mark find a shrink he can work with?"

"Oh. Well, you know I never looked for a shrink myself. I mean, I talked to my mother's shrinks in Boston, not just about her, they treated me too, as a matter of fact. But you know how Mark talks to people usually, all smart-ass and innuendo and flirting? But he doesn't talk like that with me anymore and he talks to you the same way he talks to me now. So I thought, maybe if I'm with him maybe he'll start off talking to the shrink like he talks to us. And that's what happened. Did you ask him about it after I went to bed?"

"Yes, we talked."

"Are you guys going to be friends again?"

"We're working on it."

"That's good. You know, not just good for him. Once he stopped the smart-ass crap, I started to really like him. I used to wonder how you two could have been friends, but I see it now. And you need somebody who doesn't think of you as the God of Neurosurgery."

"You don't think of me as the God of Neurosurgery. You don't think of me as the God of Anything." Derek's tone registers somewhere on the spectrum between rueful and downright cross.

Meredith leans in and whispers one word: "Sex." Derek morphs into McDreamy, helping Meredith wedge the little airline pillows around her and tucking in her blankets so she can get as good a sleep as an aircraft allows. Then he gets out his laptop to work on a paper he's peer-reviewing for Lancet.

They aren't expecting anyone to meet them at the airport because their first business is shopping at Odette/Odile, the boutique where Meredith got her winter clothing make-over on their first trip to New York. Now that Meredith is recognized as a fund-raising asset for Seattle Grace, she needs formal dresses for at least two fund-raising events planned for autumn and early winter. The Chief of Surgery is also considering the creation of a surgical fellowship named in honor of Ellis Grey; if his plans materialize, and they probably will, Meredith will be trotted out for meetings with board members and donors and she'll need a whole new category of clothes for that. In addition, none of Meredith's decade-old summer clothes survived her scrutiny the frantic day of her HIV test; everything was as ratty as the much loved Dartmouth t-shirt (which still endures), so she needs normal summer clothes too.

Meredith had hated shopping for the dress she wore at the fund-raising ball earlier that spring. She hadn't known what the dress should look like, she hadn't known what was stylish and what was not, she hadn't known where to look, she hadn't known what other people would wear. The sales assistants at Odette/Odile know all that, plus what she likes, what styles will endure, what she looks good in, and what size and shape she is. Despite Derek's encouragement, shopping remains a torment to Meredith and she's glad she can cram a year of clothing purchases into just a few hours with expert help and snacks and drinks if she wants them.

When Meredith and Derek arrive at Odette/Odile, Meredith takes off clothes, puts on clothes, stands while a fitter pins and bastes, and struts or twirls for Derek's amusement or his informed opinion for almost four hours. Meredith is a good sport about the attention concentrated on her, except for a few bursts of muttered grumbling that are calmed by champagne and tiny pesto artichoke buns. Derek keeps reminding her "It's an investment. It's for the hospital." as he sprawls on the cushy chair reserved for the boyfriend, fiancé or sugar daddy. Clearly he's enjoying himself enormously. Meredith warns him "You better soak it up now, buddy, because I am not doing this for the wedding."

"Buddy?"

"Oh crap, I picked that up from Mark. How did that happen? I lived with Alex for a year without calling anyone 'dude' or 'chick.' I can't believe I called you 'buddy.' Are you offended?"

"No."

"I'm embarrassed."

"Don't be. But if you're going to have a pet name for me, I'd rather it was something more affectionate."

"You outlawed my pet name for you."

"It's not affectionate."

"It is when I use it."

The formal dresses and suits will be tailored over the weekend and Meredith will try them again Monday. Everything she doesn't plan to wear during this visit will be expertly packed and shipped to Seattle. Meredith entered the shop in faded jeans, a shapeless sweater and old Converse Chucks. She exits wearing a sleeveless floral print dress, a thin silk and cashmere sweater the color of watermelon, a sage green straw hat and strappy sandals, carrying bags stuffed with tissue paper and pretty clothes. "I feel like a whole 'nother person."

Derek examines her closely. "You're still Meredith. You look lovely. Let's go. Mom's expecting us by 8:00."

Derek calls his mother from the cab. The plan was a quiet dinner with Eileen and Kathleen, but none of the sisters could wait to see Derek or to meet Meredith, and their husbands are more interested than Derek had thought they would be. Kathleen and Danny, Julia, Nancy and Rob, and Claire and Alain are waiting eagerly for the prodigal brother and his girlfriend. Only Martin stayed away, and only because someone had to babysit. Derek relays this news to Meredith. "We should stop at Julia and Martin's apartment first. Martin is supervising his and Claire's kids, six children aged ten to six months. When we get to Eileen's the crowd will seem quiet by comparison."

"Why, who is at Eileen's?"

"Everybody except Martin and the kids."

"Thank God I already had two glasses of wine."

"You're not on trial. They want to like you. Eileen and Julia already do."

"Now you're calling your Mom Eileen."

"Not to her face."

"Chicken."

"That's a pet name."

"I'm not really a pet name sort of person. Besides, you seem too . . . kind of, I don't know . . .too dignified to have a pet name."

"What your friend Cristina calls me isn't dignified."

"Sex isn't dignified, Derek. That name that you outlawed is about your spectacularly high rank on the hotness chart. Do you really not get that?"

"I don't want to think about that outside my mother's."

"Are we there yet?"

"Almost."

Derek has keys to his mother's apartment so the crowd waiting for them has no buzzer or knock to raise the alarm when Derek and Meredith arrive. Derek opens the door and he and Meredith slip into the little foyer of Eileen's apartment and wait for a few moments, smiling at each other, before they are noticed.

Later that night, when the tumult of the overlapping conversations and the many eyes upon her and the bustle of movement and light and sound has calmed, and her mind is quiet again Meredith realizes that Derek's family saw her first in a moment of vivacity, a moment of fun that she and Derek shared. His family's first perception was not of the nervous girlfriend in constant need of reassurance; they saw her as an accomplished woman, attractive and happy and loved by their brother. They treated her as that accomplished, happy, and beloved woman and Meredith responded in that character. She burst her cocoon of old memories – of angst and loneliness and shame – and spread her new wings in this family full of affection, warmth and lively interest in each other.

Someday soon this family will be Meredith's family. Tonight she knows she will belong.

Before she met Derek Meredith visited New York on short trips from college to visit the museums, shows, restaurants, shops and clubs with friends. Plenty of kids at Dartmouth had friends and relations starting out in The City who would lend the floor or the couch in return for the chance to show off their new and hard-won places in The Real World, the real Real World, since coming to New York for the first job out of college seems so much realer than starting out in, say, Pittsburgh. So Meredith was familiar with the New York that is the cutthroat first rung of the career ladder as well as the New York that is the most fun you can have during a school vacation.

Derek's New York is altogether a different place. As restless teenagers in small towns, both Derek's parents planned to migrate to New York City as soon as they were able; to Eileen and Paul (Derek's Dad) the city was imbued with the romance of opportunity for work and love and a kind of satisfaction they couldn't find in flinty New Hampshire and pastoral upstate New York. Their passion for New York City passed down to their kids, who all grew up in this magical place that was also just plain home. Derek didn't expect to like Seattle when he arrived there fresh from his rupture with Addison, and the fact that he discovered the flannel-wearing, wood-chopping fisherman side of himself didn't change his feelings for the home town he was genetically engineered to love.

As an almost Shepard-to-be Meredith is accepted in the pack of Shepard sisters' families without fanfare or fuss. She surmises that Derek asked his sisters not to make a big deal over Meredith's introduction or his own homecoming, but however it happened, she and Derek are met with relaxed acceptance, without questions about the past or the future, except in so far as their plans for this visit are concerned.

Eileen let all four sisters talk her into hosting the whole group the night Meredith and Derek arrive. The original plan to keep the first evening low-key and let Meredith ease into the family bit by bit was blown out of the water by his sisters' unabashed desire to see their "prodigal" brother. Julia and Nancy and Claire each tell Meredith they hope she won't be upset with them for creating a noisy party on her first night in town, but they just couldn't wait to see Derek. Meredith is genuine in her assurances that she is happy that they are so happy to see Derek. It turns out a lively family party is not a bad way to be introduced to eight new people. Meredith doesn't have to say much herself, and is able to absorb a fair amount of information about the sisters and their husbands.

Kathleen's husband Danny is Irish by birth, and owns a pub that caters to the many Irish people in New York City. He's as red-haired and boisterous as the stereotyped Irish lad, but with a twist – his higher education is in cooking and he came to New York hoping to be a chef. When his dad died his mother was a bit too frail to look after their old family farm alone so they sold most of the land and she joined Danny in New York. His Mammy herself chose to start up the pub and she rivals the bouncers in keeping order amongst the rowdier guests.

Nancy's husband Rob is the oldest of the clan. He was a pioneer in the cable television industry back in the 70's and took advantage of the rise of the great information superhighway. His parents died a few years ago and passed his grandparents' old farmhouse and orchard on to him, so he retired from business and is reinventing himself as an organic fruit grower. Their kids love the new home and Nancy loves the kids loving their new home, four young children being quite a handful in the city of Stamford – a home to corporations but hardly a good home for kids. Meredith had anticipated a businessman preoccupied with his cell phone as Nancy's mate, so the real Rob is a pleasant surprise. She feels comfortable enough to tell Rob she's surprised, and he laughs and assures her that five years ago he was that Rob, but things can change.

Claire's husband Alain is quieter and more serious than the others. He expresses himself in well-crafted sentences, he's dressed in a suit, his voice and manner seem impeccably correct according to standards of etiquette no longer required in ordinary society, and yet he's perfectly at home in the mêlée of Shepards. When his wife parks herself in her big brother's lap Alain explains to Meredith that each of the sisters has some unique claim to Derek, but Claire's claim trumps them all, she is the only sister that Derek fed from a baby bottle. Claire has been cooking all day for their dinner party on Saturday, she is bravely representing the greatest traditions of French and American cooking in a manner original, but humorous, and there must be no talk of the sublime and the ridiculous if she pairs the bouef bourguignon with the casserole of macaroni and cheese. Meredith falls quickly under the spell of Alain's old-fashioned charm.

Meredith doesn't have much time individually with the sisters. Reunited, the Shepards rediscover a skill that fell into disuse while Derek avoided family gatherings; they sit around a small table and engage in multiple conversations at once without getting confused or annoyed at each other for interrupting. Thus, Julia and Derek and Eileen make plans for August, Derek and Nancy talk about Mark, Claire and Julia discuss whether to have a sitter at the dinner Saturday night or let the kids amuse themselves, and Nancy collects advice on a patient with a learning disorder from Kathleen and suggests to Claire that she "send the car" for Julia's and Claire's kids on Saturday, since they'll be spending Sunday at the farm anyway. Derek doesn't forget Meredith but whenever he looks her way, she is happily chatting with the quieter group on the other side of the room.

Eventually the sisters get up to clean up the mess of take-out boxes, empty bottles and dishes. The husbands intervene. They'll do the clean up while the Shepard sisters spend time with their other guest. Gradually Kathleen, Julia, Nancy, Derek and Claire drift over to Meredith and Eileen and sprawl or perch or otherwise squeeze five people into the space recently occupied by three. Meredith studies them nervously for a moment then her face lights up; she has a question.

"Derek says you all aren't an idyllic clan but you look perfect to me. Who has any flaws and what are they?"

The answers come thick and fast.

"Julia doesn't like to be bossed around."

"Nancy has to win every argument."

"You can never tell if Claire is paying attention or not."

"Kathleen thinks she's everyone's Mom."

"Nancy always wants to go shopping and have lunch. Who has time for shopping and lunch?"

"Kathleen won't learn to email so we always have to play phone tag with her. It's so 80's."

"If Claire gets mad she talks in French and we don't know what she's saying. Alain is too polite to teach us insults, so we can't defend ourselves."

"Julia borrows things and then thinks they're hers. You have to steal your own stuff back."

"Claire and Nancy never have to babysit because they don't live in town but we babysit their kids when they come into New York. Kathleen and I are owed hundreds of babysitting hours."

Kathleen sums it up. "We are an idyllic clan really. Derek doesn't know what he's talking about. He's the one with flaws."

Meredith wants to know more. "So what are Derek's flaws? Derek, what are your flaws?"

But the girls answer before Derek can collect his wits.

"You know how boys never put the toilet seat down? Derek used to put the seat and the lid down and he'd tape the lid to the seat. Once he super-glued it. Mom made him buy two new toilet seats out of his allowance."

"He made up phone messages from boys. And then he'd leave the house so we couldn't beat it out of him whether the message was real or phony."

"If there were stockings and bras hanging on the shower rod, Derek would put them back in the hamper with the dirty clothes."

"We never knew if our friends came 'round to see us, or to look at Derek."

"Somehow make-up would always disappear the night of a big date."

Derek jumps in. "Hey, wait a minute. Kathleen made me wash her underwear at least once. I distinctly remember that. It was disgusting."

"Derek, it couldn't have been disgusting because it was already clean. I made you wash clean underwear."

Meredith wonders "Kathleen, how did you make him do it?"

"I stole his underwear out of the clean laundry piece by piece and took it to school so he couldn't find it. He's stubborn, he wouldn't give in until the night before he had a date with a friend of Nancy's and no clean underwear."

"Nancy sabotaged the date anyway. She told Darcy I wasn't wearing underwear. I had to unzip and show Darcy the underwear in the limo. The driver pulled over and gave me a lecture and then he wouldn't stop laughing all the way to the dance."

A chorus swells up from Kathleen, Julia and Claire. "Nancy, you never told us." "Why did you keep that secret?" "Nanc, you holdout!"

Nancy, however, is dumbfounded. "Darcy never told me any of that. Darcy's the holdout. What did you do to her, Derek, to keep her from telling me?"

"Not what you're thinking."

"What am I thinking?"

"Not what I'm thinking."

Nancy turns to Meredith. "It's true I prefer to win the arguments, but I get no credit for loosing to Derek because who could win an argument like this one?"

But Claire switches the mood from silly to serious when she looks to Meredith with tears shining in her eyes. "We really missed him, Meredith. I want to thank you for bringing him back to us."


	32. Engagement

**Engagement**

The next morning Meredith struggles to wake up and get ready for her morning of art history with Claire, but she is, in fact, exhausted. Her tiredness shows in her voice and eyes and every movement of her body.

Derek watches her carefully at breakfast, wondering if she's ill or just overtired. He considers the many big burdens Meredith has managed lately: the pace of the ER that exhausts her much more than longer shifts elsewhere in the hospital, the regular time off she gave up to schedule this trip, and the episode of Mark and the HIV tests, which was quite a strain on both of them. Though Meredith calmly and cheerfully agreed to this trip, the very nature of it – meeting and making herself part of his family – must put enormous (and exhausting) pressure her. He reconsiders the plans he made for that day.

"Meredith, you're exhausted, your eyes are half shut. You should go back to bed."

"But Claire took a day off so she could show me her work."

"I'll go instead. I've never seen her work either. You'll see each other tomorrow and Sunday. I made too many plans for such a quick visit. It's not your fault. Claire will understand, I'll tell her I talked you into going back to bed."

"Seriously?" There is nothing Meredith wants more right nowa than to lie down amongst pillows and covers. But she doesn't want to disappoint Derek's sister.

"Seriously."

"What do I do when I wake up?"

"I'll figure things out and leave you instructions and the keys. Don't worry. Go back to sleep." Meredith gladly returns to the bed and is soundly asleep before Derek leaves Eileen's apartment a half hour later.

Though Claire is eager to know Meredith, she is delighted to have Derek to herself. Instead of having somewhat strained conversation with a woman she needs to get to know, Claire can show off her work to her big brother and show off her big brother to her colleagues. Claire is perhaps the plainest of the black-haired, blue-eyed Shepards, but her own looks were never important to her as a child. She loved to look at beauty, a trait that lead her into the world of art, but she didn't spend much time with a mirror. Her feelings about Derek's beauty were uncomplicated: she regarded his face as the work of art that it is and enjoyed showing it off.

Each of the Shepard girls had very different relationships with Derek. After their father died, Eileen absorbed the duties of father and mother and Kathleen's naturally maternal personality blossomed. She became the responsible "big sister", the one who substituted for Eileen when necessary. As Derek wanted no other mother than Eileen, he and Kathleen were not very close. He and Julia were confidantes and co-conspirators from childhood through medical school, and they were about as close as brother and sister can be, barring Derek's years of withdrawal during his unhappy marriage. Nancy had a one-sided rivalry with Derek on every front – over Mark, their sisters' affection, Addison's affection, professional achievement, even wealth – which Derek was oblivious to. Derek's phone call to let Nancy know he was aware of her HIV status, his assurance that he didn't judge her or her husband, and his admission that he'd screwed up just as badly himself may be a turning point in their relationship, but he's not aware of that yet. As of now he thinks of Nancy as the sister who doesn't like him.

For the young Derek, big sisters were creatures he could play tricks on, and he tormented them as much as he could without harassing Eileen. His little sister was different. Because Derek and Claire were close in age their friends overlapped; Derek dated some of Claire's friends and she dated some of Derek's friends (though not Mark) and both Derek and Claire were likely to be included when there were plans to go out as a group. Everybody has their "home" personality and their "school" personality and Derek knew his older sisters' "home" personalities best, but he and Claire knew each other both as brother and sister, and as regular people.

The morning is a wonderful treat for both of them. Derek knew he wanted to go into medicine early in high school, so he concentrated on the sciences; as a result he is almost completely out of touch with popular or classic or any other type of culture. He learns a lot that morning behind the scenes of the museum of medieval art, and decides to make an effort to broaden his knowledge base in the future. Meredith's schedule will become a little more flexible as her residency advances, and Derek resolves to take her to concerts, ballets, movies and plays.

"Meredith would really like this, Claire. She probably knows some of this history. Did Mom give you that CD of the group she sang madrigals with?"

"She did and I liked it a lot. Rob made copies of the CD for us. We have to remember to give Meredith's back to her."

"Next time we come to New York can you do this again for Meredith?"

"Of course. Let's go get lunch and I will ask you a million questions about her. It'll be girl's talk. Can you handle girl's talk? You used to."

"I lost patience with Addie's girltalk, but I think I'll be OK with you."

"Meredith doesn't do girl's talk?"

"Not with me. With her friends she does, but not when I'm around."

"Can you do girl's talk about Meredith?"

"Probably."

"What does she like to eat? We'll go to a place she would like."

"She had a passion for Jewish deli when we were here in the fall. She ate huge a pastrami sandwich, a corned beef sandwich and a reuben. On different days, of course. Anyway, that's what she'd like best."

"I know just the place."

While they walk to the deli Derek tells Claire the thought that is most on his mind.

"I want to find a ring for her while we're here, but I made so many plans that I only have this afternoon to look. Do you have any suggestions, any jewelers you could recommend?"

"What kind of ring does she want?"

"I don't know. I don't think she knows. She said to find something I think she'd like and see how she feels."

"OK, what kind of ring do you want?"

"Well . . . I don't know either. She's not an ordinary person so it shouldn't be an ordinary ring, like a plain diamond in a plain band. I don't know much about engagement rings . . . I didn't buy Addie's. I want to give her a good diamond, and I want the setting to be interesting but not ostentatious. She wouldn't want something ostentatious. I think she only agreed to a ring because she knows I want to give her one."

"Why do you want to give her one?"

"I want to do everything different this time. Everything I did wrong before . . . I want to do it right now."

"A symbol."

"Yes. A symbol."

"Of what?'

"Getting it right. Doing the right things."

"It? What is 'it'?"

"Love. Marriage. Kids."

"There's a jeweler I know that specializes in antiques. The owner is very knowledgeable, we use him as a consultant sometimes at the museum. Do you care if the ring was worn before?"

"No, I don't think so. That wouldn't matter."

"Want to try that then?"

They agree to try the antique store and then they each order a different sandwich and exchange halves. Derek slips right into girl's talk and answers all Claire's questions about Meredith fully and completely, with adjectives and details and no pauses at all in the conversation. Claire learns more about Meredith from Derek than she would have by spending the morning with her. After lunch they set off for the antique jeweler.

Claire gives her name to the salesman in the store and she and Derek prowl around the shop while they wait for the owner. Just as he approaches Derek sees the ring he knows is perfect for him and for Meredith. Its design tells their whole story in a little circle of platinum and diamonds. Claire introduces the owner simply as "Professor" and he reaches into the case for the ring that captured Derek's eye and imagination.

The Professor explains that it was made in the 1950's, that the center diamond is not the modern brilliant cut, it's a "transitional cut" somewhere in between the old diamonds that were cut to maximize size and the modern cuts that maximum brilliance through the number of facets and the quality of the polish. Some people prefer the glow of the older cuts to the sparkle of the newer cuts and the Professor fetches several rings and loose stones so that the Derek can judge his preference. But Claire wants to know how the ring tells the story of Meredith and Derek.

"The center stone is Meredith and me together. We met and we fell in love and everything was straightforward to me, I just wanted to be with her. She had to deal with some fallout at work, which I kind of selfishly ignored. Anyway, we were just starting to trust each other, tell each other the important things, our secrets. Then Addie arrived. And I stayed with Addie, so this bar is me walking away from Meredith."

The Professor interrupts to say that the bar is called a "baguette."

"OK. The baguette on the opposite side is Meredith letting me go. She said I was doing the right thing with Addie, and she tried to move on. These little round diamonds are us while we were "officially" moved on. Only neither of us did move on. When I finally admitted to myself that I wasn't moving on, I caused various disasters that blew up me and Addie, and Meredith and her vet. So these baguettes leading back to the center are us coming back together. I had to repair a lot of damage and learn to know all of her. She had to get over her early life and she had a lot to forgive me for, but she did. So now we're happy and I want a bright and sparkling stone in the center to be a symbol of our happiness."

Derek chooses a superior stone to replace the center diamond and makes an appointment tomorrow so that he and Meredith can see the ring together. He is sure she will like it, sure that she'll see the path their relationship took in the design of the ring, and deeply happy he can offer her a ring that symbolizes even more than their commitment and the love they have for one another, it tells their own story in a unique design of diamonds and platinum.

Of course Meredith likes the ring - with diamonds and platinum, what's not to like? Derek earnestly explains how the ring is an icon of their entire relationship and Meredith realizes that their history means more to Derek than she thought and she's surprised by the strength of his feelings. Since their "happily ever after" fight Meredith thought that for Derek being married was simply more dignified than being divorced and living with a junior resident; marriage was his way of dodging the gossip that surrounded them ever since their first spectacular flameout. Evidently there's more to it than she thought, and that makes both the engagement and the ring more meaningful to Meredith.

Meredith is sent to the other side of the store to examine anything but Derek performing the purchase transaction. When the financial aspects are completed she rejoins Derek and the Professor. He shakes hands with Derek and kisses Meredith's cheek, the way they do in New York, and wishes them a happy engagement with real warmth.

When they leave the shop Derek carries the little bag with the velvet box that holds the ring. Meredith pictures Derek working out an elaborate proposal but before they've walked a block they encounter one of those tiny parks scattered all over the city, with shade trees and benches and a fountain splashing cheerfully. Derek pulls Meredith over to a bench and sideways into his lap so that her right arm is around his neck and her left hand is free. When he whispers "Will you marry me?" into her ear Meredith's surprise at the suddenness of his proposal crowds out her other feelings.

"Why do you look so surprised? Do you still have doubts?"

"No, I don't have any doubts. I'm sure, Derek. I do want to marry you."

"Did you want a highly choreographed proposal on a ferryboat?"

"No, but I thought you would."

"All last autumn you told me to 'get on with it'. So I'm getting on with it. Will you marry me?"

"Yes, I will, but can I ask you something first?"

"OK." His tone is wary, but he takes the box out of the bag and the ring out of the box anyway.

"It's not a conditional yes or anything like that, I just - I used to think that you wanted to get married because it's undignified being divorced, and you know, social status, my position at work, all that. Now I realize it's more than that, but what? What does it mean to you, being married to me?"

"When I decided to specialize in neurosurgery I was still stuck with two rotations that weren't relevant any more. It was hard to slog through them, waiting to get started with my real work." Derek pauses, seems stuck.

"So you're like, what, waiting for your real life to begin?"

"Yes. Something like that. I know the life we're living is real and the wait has been important. I know that. I know we have to wait a few years for the kids. But when you say you'll marry me and I put this ring on your hand I'll feel that the wait is over and my real life is finally beginning."

"Well, get on with it."

"Will you marry me?"

"Yes, I will."

As Derek slides the ring onto Meredith's finger he looks up into her eyes, his fierce indigo gaze mingling with the soft blue shimmer of hers. Their bodies seem to synchronize into a McDreamy moment - hearts and breath in unison - and with almost unbearable intimacy they each recognize and accept this new bond between them. They've promised to marry each other. Derek has hard evidence that his life is going in the right direction. Meredith - and this is a surprise to her - feels relieved of any shame or guilt for having been in love with her teacher, her boss's boss, a married man. The ferocity and tenacity once required to defend the relationship (even to herself) are now free to intensify her love for Derek. Derek senses this change from the strength of her embrace and the pounding of her heart. Meredith is not particularly demonstrative, not given to random hugs and declarations of "I love you," and after eleven years of mostly unhappy marriage Derek has acquired the same habits, but that isn't his natural behavior. The Shepards hug freely and often, their usual sign-off from a phone call is "OK, I love you, bye." Derek suddenly wants more physical contact with Meredith, to touch her freely outside the bedroom, and his grip around her tightens too.

New Yorkers stream by Meredith seated on Derek's lap but it takes an invasion of rowdy, shrieking schoolgirls to break their trance and bring them from the heights of post-engagement bliss back to the streets of New York. When Meredith looks at Derek uncertainly, he asks "What?"

"Do you just get up and head back to the subway after a moment like that?"

"I'd rather go find a quiet table and a glass of Champagne." So that's what they do, wander off in search of a hotel lobby that serves drinks, holding hands, both wearing the same vague smile. They don't talk much as they sip their Champagne, they play with the ring on Meredith's finger, watch it sparkle and flash as it encounters light, and smile whenever they look at each other. They're an attractive couple, even by glamorous New York standards, and the happiness they radiate sparkles through the room and even brightens some dour business discussions. A group of "ladies who lunch" are so affected by the two lovers that they send over a second half bottle of Champagne and a red rose, which reminds Meredith and Derek of the world outside their bubble, and brings them down to Earth. They have several tasks on the to-do list, including buying Champagne to take to Claire's house for dinner. They enjoy their second glasses of anonymous Champagne with more animation and then get on with the day.

They're to meet at Julia's home to go to Claire's home in New Jersey . When they arrive, Julia pounces on Meredith's left hand, with Tina not far behind, but Roo pounces on 'Mary' herself and the result is a heap of girls and women on the floor by the door. Julia and Tina take the tumble in stride and remain focused on the ring, and Roo stays focused on 'Mary.'

"We're gonna come live with you in Saddle!"

"I know you are. I'm excited."

"It's because of where Unkadek lives. Are we gonna live in your house on the floor?"

"I think you'll spend a couple of days there, but your mommy and daddy will get a house just for you guys."

"I wish we live on your street so you can sleep over."

Julia and Tina and Roo all try on the ring and Meredith wonders momentarily if she's being insensitive showing off the ring to Julia, who wears only a thin wedding band, but Julia's enthusiasm is obviously genuine when she says, "I'm so glad you got engaged here. We thought you'd wait until you got home and we wouldn't get to see you while it was brand new. The engagement, I mean, not the ring."

Tina asks Meredith, "Did Unkadek kneel, like in Cinderella the Prince kneels?"

"He couldn't, I was sitting in his lap."

"Did Daddy kneel, Mommy?"

"No, we were walking on the shore."

"How come you don't have a ring?"

"Because, my darling, I have you!" Julia pulls Tina into her lap for a hug and announces they'll defer the discussion of the economics of kids and jewelry later, but right now they have a party to get to and is that what Tina's wearing? Derek is patiently waiting behind the heap of girls at the doorway, which is just beginning to resolve itself into Julia, Meredith, Tina and Roo, when Ben comes pounding down the stairs saying "Mom! Dad! You know how you said we could get a dog when we move?"

Julia looks up at Ben with concern. "Ben, we haven't even got to Seattle yet, you're not thinking we can have a dog now, are you?"

But Ben rushes on with his questions. "You know how I told you Tommy's mom and dad are getting divorced and Tommy and his mom are going to live somewhere else? They can't have Simon where they're going and Tommy's dad won't keep him. Tommy's dad says if his mom can't take Simon he'll put him to sleep. Simon, he'll put Simon to sleep."

"Oh. I see. Oh, dear."

Meredith tilts her head back to meet Derek's eyes and signal her agreement so that Derek can say "Julia, Meredith and I were thinking about having a dog. If it's ok with you, you and I and Ben could talk to Tommy's mother, find out what the situation is." Ben rushes at Derek but he trips over Meredith, and Derek and Ben land on the now noisy, squirming heap of girls and women. Martin helps Meredith up while Julia extracts Ben and Derek and leads them to another room to phone Tommy's mother. Martin interrupts questions from Tina and Roo, to say "Girls, you need to get ready to go. We have to leave soon. Tina, can you show Meredith where Roo's clothes are? Meredith will help Roo get dressed and then she'll help you pin your braids up like you do for ballet class. You'll have time to show her your shoes and things, OK Tina?" Meredith correctly interprets Martin's interruption to mean he wants the girls distracted from thoughts of a dog (particularly a dog being put to sleep) so she picks Roo up, which is even more difficult than it was two months ago, and nudges Tina in the general direction of the stairs.

"Tina, I didn't know you were dancing already, that's great! Here you go Roo, up the stairs! You're getting so big I can't hold you."

When Meredith returns with Tina and Roo and turns them over to Martin, Derek explains the situation of Simon the dog. While Ben's best friend Tommy lived in China for a few years while his dad's work was there, his parents gave him a puppy because Tommy didn't have many friends to play with. When they came back to New York Tommy insisted that Simon come too, but now there is a divorce pending. Derek thinks the father must be a heartless bastard to threaten to euthanize his dog while Tommy is also going through the divorce.

"Tommy and Simon will come with Ben to Nancy's picnic tomorrow so we can meet the dog and he can meet us. If everything works out we'll take Simon home with us. The picnic isn't the ideal way to do it but Tommy is moving out of the father's house next week, so Simon needs a home now. Ben and I promised to be hyper-vigilant about dog safety, though he sounds like a great dog. Look, here's a picture Ben printed out. He's beautiful."

"Wow. I didn't think a dog could be that beautiful and still be a dog."

"Did I read you right, that you were encouraging me to speak up?"

"Yeah. It's time for a dog. I feel terrible for Tommy, but at least Ben isn't a total stranger, I mean, we aren't because of Ben."

"Tommy wanted Ben to have him, but we got him to understand that two moves in Seattle would be too much for a dog."

"We'll get Tommy's email and all that so we can keep him posted on – things – "

An influx of children into the small foyer interrupts Meredith. All three children are talking, but it's hard to tell who they're talking to because Martin and Julia are marshalling them all out the door and down the block to the big car Nancy lent them for the weekend. For the next little while all the conversations are about who sits where and buckling up before they're off to New Jersey, where Claire lives. Normally the children don't focus on only one person, but Meredith is still new and interesting so Ben points out New York landmarks for her, Tina talks about her dance class, and Roo has much to say about their move to "Saddle."

When they arrive at Claire's home, Meredith has even more to absorb – Claire has two daughters of about Tina's age and a 9-month old son – so the voices of five children and one baby challenge Meredith's powers of concentration and conversation. The other adults don't seem stressed by it, but Meredith's never been in the company of so many children at once since she was a child herself. She doesn't have cousins or nephews and nieces, she never babysat when she was in high school, or worked as a lifeguard, or performed any occupation that brought her together with children in groups. On her pediatric rotation she saw many kids a day – but one at a time.

For the next two days Meredith feels like she's in a washing machine, with voices and snippets of conversations whirling around her, never quite sure what her part is in the swirl of talk and motion. She feels like the cartoon of a creature with eyes spinning in opposite directions, but nobody seems to mind or expect anything different from her. So she floats along with the wash, occasionally taking inventory of who is around, whether it's fun, what information she's supposed to retain (and then whether she has retained it) and when she's in bed at night she tries to stop the washing machine long enough to fall asleep. It doesn't really stop until it's replaced by the roar of jet engines, which is a familiar sound that she can filter out of her thoughts.

She asks Derek about halfway through the flight, "Did I do OK?"

"As far as I know."

"You're not being very helpful with this whole family life thing."

"You get used to it."

"What, you not being helpful, or the whole family life thing?"

"Both, probably."

"You're not going to be helpful?"

"You don't need any help."

"Yes, I do. This is like the first focused thought I've had in the last two days."

"Everybody goes through that when they meet a big family en masse. It's a kaleidoscope until it all comes into focus. It only happens a couple of times in your life, you've just never been through it before."

"Well, even so, you must have some idea of whether you sisters liked me or not."

"They're not marrying you. I'm marrying you. I only care whether I like you."

Oh. Well, do you?"

"Yes."

"I might as well take a nap then. I'm on tonight."

So she curls up on her seat with her head pillowed in Derek's lap and dreams of kaleidoscopes, carousels and washing machines. The carousel isn't a bad thing in this dream.

When they land Meredith and Derek don't have a dog after all, because Nancy wanted Simon for her kids, and if he lives in Connecticut Tommy can still see him. Derek is a little bit relieved, because integrating a dog into their lives right now would be difficult, but Meredith is bummed because she really does want a dog, though she knows it's not practical and Simon is happier with Nancy's four kids in their farmhouse and orchard and Tommy only a train ride away.

When they get home the house is clean and empty. Mark went down to LA to spend a week with Addison and he arranged for Izzie to come in and clean up after him. Meredith plops onto a sofa in the front room and breathes in the silence and clarity. She studies the ring on her hand and it sinks in a little deeper that she and Derek are pledged to each other, that their pledge will be public knowledge. Soon the same people who criticized their relationship will be congratulating her for it. If she ever needs an example to describe "surreal" Meredith will use Nurse Debbi congratulating her on her engagement to Dr. McDreamy.

Derek, sprawled on the other sofa, speaks up. "You did do good."

"What?"

"It doesn't matter. You're marrying me, not my sisters. But they all liked you."

"Did they say?"

"Nancy and Claire liked how you were with all the kids."

"Like I was one of them because of my age?"

"No, it wasn't about age. You're very natural with kids, you talk to kids, even little kids, the same way you talk to adults. Most people can't do that. Even most parents can't do that with nieces and nephews, they never get past the stage of asking about school, hobbies, things like that. You can jump in and do what they're doing and fit in seamlessly. Nancy analyzed it while you were playing with all the nieces."

"You and Nancy spent a lot of time together Sunday."

"Well, I was supposed to be the dog's minder and Nancy wanted to get acquainted with him."

"Admit it, you two had some kind of breakthrough."

"What do you know about it?"

"Kathleen told me all about your rivalry."

"Nancy and I weren't rivals."

"Nancy had a one-sided rivalry with you, Kathleen says. You were completely oblivious to it. Although it wasn't at all subtle, Kathleen says. Everyone else knew. Well, Nancy didn't know you weren't particpating. She thought you two were rivals."

"If they all knew this why did no one tell me?"

"It was more interesting waiting for you to catch on."

"Catch on?"

"But you did something that made Nancy forget about competing with you. Everybody wants to know what it was, but they don't want to ask her."

"Huh."

"Very manly response."

Derek comes and kneels by Meredith, taking her hand, the one with the ring and says, "I'd rather talk about us. You said you'd marry me."

"I did say it. In front of all New York I said it."

"Luckily the 8 million people on Manhattan weren't paying attention."

"Those people who sent us the champagne were paying attention."

"We'll invite them to the wedding. Say it again, say you'll marry me."

"I'll marry you, Derek. I, Meredith Grey, will marry you, Derek Shepard."

Derek slips into McDreamy mode. "You know a marriage isn't legal until it's consummated."

Meredith starts to grin. "Hmm. Consummated."

"You know what consummated means."

"Yeah, but I want to hear you spell it out."

Derek's McDreamy look turns a little be naughty. "S – E – X."

Meredith giggles. "More romance, please?"

Normally Derek expresses his desire for Meredith with his hands and his body; he has to think a moment before he comes up with a line that seems familiar and sounds right. "With my body I thee worship, " he says almost reverently as he reaches for her and adds, "Come here".

Meredith slides over willingly, Derek pulls her from the couch and settles with her on the floor, the very floor where their love ignited two very topsy-turvy years ago. Derek's strong fingers search for the buttons and zippers in Meredith's clothes as he gathers Meredith's body to his, as her sweet mouth seeks the soft skin and little hollows where his neck and shoulders meet. They consummate their engagement with the same ecstasy they knew on their first night, but it's sweeter now, with promises made and kept, no secrets, no fears, nothing held back, in their own house, first on the floor and later in the bed they'll share for years to come.


	33. The Launch

**The Launch**

Two days later Meredith is with Cristina on a bench they've occupied many times in their residency at Seattle Grace. They're drinking coffee and soaking in sunshine on a lunch break now that Cristina is no longer avoiding Meredith. So far Cristina hasn't commented on either the engagement ring or what it stands for. They are planning their "anti-date," their girls' night out that will be fun in the way that Cristina's date with Burke was not. Cristina wants Meredith to wear what she wore the night she met Derek, and for once, Cristina actually calls Derek by his name, rather than McDreamy. Meredith's surprised: "Cristina, you never call Derek 'Derek', you never say his name."

"Just returning the favor. You were nice about Burke and now I know you didn't like him."

"You really don't like Derek?"

"I don't know, I never thought about whether I like him, I put him in the asshole category when his wife showed up. I was pregnant, Burke broke up with me, and your boyfriend was married. I never had any reason to take him out of the asshole category."

"Can't you take him out now?"

"What made you decide to marry him? He hasn't got a great track record, it's only been like eight months, that's not even long enough to make a baby. And I'm not trying to hurt you, but he was a big baby from the beginning, not telling you he was married."

"I know, but he's grown up a lot since the last time we got back together. I've grown up a lot. We grew up together sort of, helping each other. And you know, well maybe you don't know, but he was going to tell me about Addison that night. He said we had to talk about something important, it was a day for secrets coming out or something like that."

"But, marriage, I know I'm gun-shy after Burke, but trying to put that aside, I don't get it, that you can be ready to marry him less than a year after he kissed that nurse and forced house plans on you."

"I put him through a bad time then, he wanted a real relationship and I just wasn't ready for it, but, you know about all that sex, and I think his biological clock was ticking."

"Is it ticking now?"

"Sure, but he knows I can't manage kid until a couple of years after we're married, when I'm settled into my specialty, and that we have to divide up the parenting, I'm going to be a surgeon as well as a mommy, but he's very exciting about being a dad. He's great with Julia's kids, very involved, so I can see how he'll be with our own. Plus Julia and Martin will be here, so we won't be completely dependent on each other. We'll swap kid-related favors with them and with Molly."

"I kind of like Molly, she's tough. You wouldn't think so looking at her, but she's got a spine. A Bailey-quality spine."

"She does."

"Lexie mentioned Molly was having trouble with her husband?"

"Yeah, it's not clear whether their marriage will be part of the collateral damage of Iraq."

"OK, I'll take Derek out of the asshole category if you tell me one thing."

"What one thing?"

"How do you know marrying him is the right decision?"

Meredith has already thought about this question so she has the answer ready. "Because I feel the same way about marriage with Derek that I felt about medical school when I decided to go. I wandered all over Europe that summer wondering in the back of my mind if I did or didn't want to study medicine, be a doctor or a surgeon, and then when I was on the plane back to Boston I knew. In my gut I knew for certain that I wanted to be a surgeon. And I never wavered. And my gut feels the same way about Derek."

"OK. No more McDreamy. The good ship _Meredith and Derek_ will sail into the sunset."

"Thanks."

"Don't you dare hug me."

"Shut up, I'm your person."


	34. Epilogue

_The first third of this epilogue is revised and the rest is new _

**Epilogue**

The legend lived on. The romance never died. To the end of their days Meredith and Derek remained hopelessly and happily in love with each other.

Derek never lost his McDreamyness, and his McDreamy moments never lost their power over Meredith. Of course their love life became more sedate once Meredith got pregnant, but they both lost their appetite for noisy acrobatic sex during Meredith's first pregnancy, and it never really came back, only occasionally when they were out at the trailer alone and sometimes not even then.

In time Derek became reconciled to the nickname Cristina bestowed on him the day Meredith kissed him in the elevator when she was only an intern – the bottom of the surgical food chain. But when his two daughters begged for "McDreamy" to tuck them in at night – well who could resist that? Derek couldn't, and as the older daughter entered adolescence and developed a knack for insomnia, "McDreamy" acquired a new meaning while Derek sat with his daughter until she fell asleep. As years flew by at the hospital "Dr. McDreamy" became a hospital myth that most people didn't really believe, even though they could completely understand it. But who could imagine such disrespect for such an eminent surgeon, for Derek grew in reputation for another decade after his 40th birthday. For his 50th birthday Meredith gave Derek another baby, and he cut back on work and became the primary caretaker of their two children.

They timed the babies to give each of them the chance to be primary caretaker and to give each the chance to maximize their talents and opportunities in the OR. Their first child came in Meredith's fourth year of residency, and she took a year off to be a Baby Mommy. Like Dr. Bailey, Meredith continued to work until her belly put her too far away from her patient on the table. Both her pregnancies were uncomplicated and so were the births.

The first child was a girl. While she was in utero they called her names like Eglantine and Aurelia and Betty because they couldn't think of a name they really wanted to use. They almost settled on Tessa until they discovered that Tessa was Roo's real name. Roo tried very hard to convince Meredith and Derek:

"You can have Tessa, really you can, I would never want to be called Tessa, even in college or at the hospital where I'll be a doctor, I'll be Dr. Roo, I will always be Roo; pleeease name her Tessa, pleeease?"

They correctly interpreted Roo's eagerness to mean that she wanted the baby to be named after her, but they couldn't be persuaded to take the name on Roo's birth certificate. So they took quizzes, studied baby name books, googled for trends (what NOT to name the baby so she wouldn't have to be one of many in her classes called "Olivia" (Derek's favorite in the Top 100 at #4) or "Stella" (Meredith's favorite at #85)). Many names in the Top 100 were indeed lovely, but they knew that children like their names to be unique, so they kept thinking and kept coming up empty. Their solution popped on the very day Meredith went to the hospital to deliver the baby. She grabbed a book to take with her, a book by the French writer Colette. In the car Meredith suggested the name.

"How about Colette?"

"For her name?"

"Yeah."

"Colette. That's nice, a good name for a pretty girl."

"'Cause you just know she's going to look like you?"

"It's my grandfather. We Shepards all look like Mom's father. Except Nancy, she's an actual Shepard. Anyway, I like the name. Colette."

"Lots of nickname potential."

"Coco."

"Colo."

"Colly"

"Itty-Bitty-Ette!"

"Oh, that's good!"

A contraction took over the conversation but they finally had a name.

Meredith loved her year at home with Colette. Derek would pop home as often as possible between appointments and surgeries and rounds to see the baby and her Mama. He adored Meredith with the baby in her lap or on her shoulder or in their special nursing/rocking chair.

When Meredith rejoined her residency, the last year before she would qualify as a General Surgeon, Colette joined the daycare crew where her Aunt Molly still worked having risen through the ranks to Manager of the daycare center. (She had less time with the children than she'd had as caretaker, but she always found some time for her new niece.) Meredith was scheduled around when the daycare was open, and laden like a mule with diaper bags, her own kit, baby transporter and baby itself, she would stuff all the gear in her Mini, strap Colette into her car seat and arrive home fifteen minutes later to go through the process in reverse. Sometimes there was another babysitter waiting to take care of Colette until Derek or Meredith where home for good. Sometimes she'd have a whole evening with Colette, playing, cuddling, talking, reading, and the hours of fun that a one-year old baby provides. Many evenings they were joined by Derek, who made Colette's baby food himself. Usually the last thing Derek did at night was plan the menus for the day _after_ tomorrow, so he could get whatever groceries he needed the next day. His cookery books were stacked underneath his bedside table with pads and pens for making lists and planning menus. Meredith enjoyed this homely side of Derek, her Dr. McDreamy wearing his glasses, surrounded by recipe cards and grocery lists in bed, thinking about what the family should eat in the next couple of days. Although Meredith never did become much of a cook, she did become a picky eater. She grew so used to healthy wholesome food that she couldn't enjoy fast food, junk food and snacks the way she used to.

Colette's first word was "ba" and for a few hours Meredith and Derek thought "ba" was Meredith. They soon realized it meant "that," whatever Colette pointed to, which she usually wanted to hold or play with or eat. Her second words were "ah" and "me" which she put together to form "Ah-mee" and that was Meredith. Derek was "eeeeeeee!" at the top of her lungs when he came home early enough that Colette was still awake.

They timed the second baby to arrive near Derek's 50th birthday, five years after Colette. He took paternity leave and then retired "a little bit". He had regular appointment and surgery days and was available for surgeries and consultations booked in advance, but he was no longer on the emergency circuit. For nearly 20 years he'd been nothing but a surgeon, first married but unhappily so, avoiding his family and best friend, and he spent most of his waking time in the OR. Then came his bolt to Seattle, Meredith, and more surgery. If you really love your job time has no meaning while you are working – it flashes by so fast – and Derek loved surgery that much. But he could feel the toll the adrenaline rush of so many emergencies had taken out of him, both mentally and physically, and he wanted to preserve the rest of that part of himself for fatherhood and husbandhood. Now he wanted time to go slowly, so he could revel in the love of all his family, watch his daughters grow, see his wife every day (at least morning and night) and remember each kiss as if it might be the last, because the last day will come and you never know when it will be.

Colette inadvertently named the second baby. When Meredith got pregnant the second time, the night-night ritual of bath, stories and kisses evolved a bit to include the new baby. First Colette had her bath, then Meredith or Derek read Colette a story, then if Meredith was home Colette read the baby a story, and finally there were kisses all round. When she learned that the baby would be a baby sister Colette began to call her Henrietta, and when Derek and Meredith realized that they too were referring to the baby as Henrietta they realized that she had already been christened, and there wasn't anything they could do about it. All they could do was to give her a middle name that she could use if she didn't like Henrietta once she began school.

Meredith suggested Eileen, knowing that by the time Henrietta might want to use her other name, her grandmother would be gone. Eileen had broken her leg, and the x-rays had shown osteosarcoma in the bone. After her leg was amputated and the radiation and chemo treatments finished and Eileen felt fairly well again she came to Seattle for four months – two months with Julia and her family, and two months with Derek and his. She was in Seattle for the birth and christening of Henrietta Eileen, and for some warm quiet days on the 40 Acres. Once while Meredith and Colette played at the edge of the river, Derek and Eileen stretched out on lounges and Henrietta napped on Derek's chest. Eileen unflinching insisted on facing the future;

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked Derek one afternoon.

"And by 'it' you mean . . . "

"Life, death, cancer."

"If you do, Mom. I've always thought the person with the cancer should be the one to decide if they want to talk, and everybody else should cooperate."

"Well, this seems a good opportunity to say some things." She thought a minute and said, "I don't have a huge estate since my income is mostly your father's annuity. What's left will go the grandchildren for college, but the parents like you and Nancy who can afford tuition can opt out by talking to my lawyer."

"We'd be glad to opt out; the girls' college accounts will see them through."

"Also Kathleen's helping me sort through my things before it gets too hard to do. Is there anything from the house you particularly want?"

"The umbrella stand!"

For the first time in her visit Eileen laughed out loud. "And what if Julia wants it too?"

"I got here first. I have dibs." Derek thought for a moment and added "Dad's chair?"

"The girls have been saving it for you."

"Such good sisters."

"Do you think Meredith would like my mother's rosary?"

"I thought Clare wanted that."

"She chose mine instead. It's the first time she's wanted something modern when she could have an antique. But I thought since Meredith's house was her Grandmother's and then with my mother's rosary, you and she would both have something from your Grandmothers."

"They'll keep an eye on us."

"I know you don't believe in Heaven, Derek, but you do often refer to people there."

"Wishful thinking, I guess."

"Yes, I suppose so. I often wished I could find your father out there somehow, but though I can pray and feel connected to God and the Blessed Mother and the Baby Jesus, I never have felt a connection with Paul since he died."

"I don't mean any disrespect to Dad, Mom, but the _Baby_ Jesus?"

"Yes, I can only get through to him at Christmas. Go ahead, you can smile. It is funny."

Derek was still smiling when Eileen observed: "Your Dad and I never got to talk about death, really. And my parents didn't want to talk about it. So apparently I'm going to die without coming to any profound conclusions on death."

'I don't have any profound ideas on death, Mom. As far as I can tell, it's just another fact of life, only, like birth, it only happens to you once."

"Birth seems very profound while you're pregnant and while you're having the baby."

"Yes, of course. Death could be like that too, only what we have to look forward to is missing you and that obscures everything else."

"Yes, that's it exactly. I guess if there is anything profound about it, I'm just going to have to wait until I die to find it out."

"Are you worried or nervous or . . . "

"Scared?"

"Right."

"No, I'm not. I don't anticipate that I'll suffer once I'm dead. If there's something to come after this life I'm certain that it's nothing like Dante's Nine Circles of Hell or any of the other concepts in the great literature of death. I'm not glad to be leaving with so much going on among in my family, but from what I read about the end stages of this cancer I can guess that I will be too exhausted and pained to feel how much I don't want to go."

"That's probably true Mom, and we'll make it as easy as we can for you to let go when the time is right for you. I promise we will all do that." Tears began running down Derek's face as he said this, but somehow he kept his voice from wavering.

"Thank you, dear."

"Have you got hospice care arranged yet?'

"Kathleen's working on that will my oncologist."

"And your instructions about end-of-life care?"

"Yes. I'm not going through any more chemo or radiation treatments. What I did was just to give me good-bye time."

"I'm very grateful for that, Mom. I can't tell you how grateful. And Meredith is too, but I don't know if she'll be able to say it too you."

"That's OK, I know she is. She's been so good for you, Derek, and I'm so very grateful for that. If I had known her before I would know how good you were for her too, because I'm sure you are. It is very satisfying to leave you safe in each other's care."

"I'm so lucky to have her."

"Change of subject?"

"That would be good, Mom. If we don't stop I'll probably wake my little Twink up with my manly sobbing."

"I don't think you ever told me the story of how you built this house."

"Oh, really? Well, it years ago started with the wedding . . . "

Derek teased Meredith with a big fancy wedding for a few months, but when he realized that he could only get perhaps 60-70% of the Shepard clan to any one occasion he decided to throw two toned-down weddings on each coast, one week apart. That way no one had to travel except Meredith's friends Cristina and Anna and her husband Rob.

Cristina chose the West Coast wedding, so she was Meredith's Best Woman in Seattle, for the first wedding, and Anna chose the New York wedding, so she was Meredith's Best Woman on the East Coast at the second wedding. In New York they had a wedding Mass at Eileen's parish and the reception at Danny's bar. In Seattle they had just a wedding at the church where they attended Mass (when they attended Mass) and a reception at Meredith's house. The bride and groom spent their first wedding night on the 40 Acres and they had a big party there the next day for all who hadn't gotten enough celebration the day before. In New York they had The Honeymoon Suite (well, it was a suite) at the hotel where they stayed when Meredith and Derek first visited New York. It was filled with flowers and gifts and Meredith was luxuriously pampered and spoiled and Derek loved it. Meredith promised to write the thank-you notes if Derek would keep track of who sent what, because, as she said "I really do have a lot of gratitude to express and I have to get it out somehow."

On their first wedding night Derek gave Meredith a house, to be designed and built to her specifications on their land. She was of course delighted, but a bit dismayed as well, not having been aware that brides and grooms gave each other presents.

"But I don't have anything to give you! I didn't know we were supposed to. Is this normal wedding protocol? What? Oh, jeez, I'll never get this stuff right, it's hopeless . . . "

and Derek tried to interrupt, "Meredith . . . Mer . . .Meredith, listen . . .please . . "

"I know what! I know what! I'll give you two babies!"

Derek dropped to his knees and kissed her belly and after some honeymoon activity they got back to the subject of the house-to-be.

It would be as green as possible, with a windmill to power the huge hot water storage, and computer controls that would enable them to start water heating before they left Seattle for the 40 Acres. It would be big, to accommodate lots of family and friends at any given time. The side of the house that overlooking the water would be the kitchen and eating area with as much windows as possible, and the other side a big communal living area, with bedrooms and a bathroom in between. The upstairs would include another communal area and lots of bedrooms, two shower rooms and toilet rooms, or half-baths as a real estate agent would call them. They decided use wood burning stoves for heat in the communal areas after discovering that they could have woodstoves approved by the Environmental Protection Agency to prevent pollution. The land had plenty of wood just waiting to be chopped. It was a weekend/vacation house and it hosted hundreds of happy parties over the years.

After Derek explained the origins of the house to Eileen she said, "I've always loved the view from the kitchen area, and the practicality of it all – the huge hot water supply and separating the showers from the toilets, and all the bunk beds. No one's ever had to sleep on the floor or run out of hot water in the middle of the shower."

"No, it hasn't happened yet."

Meredith and Colette returned then, and after a brief swing and rest in the hammock they all when in to fresh fish for dinner.

_To Be Continued Some More_


	35. Epilogue Part 2

_Dear Friends, Even though the actual Happy Ever After is supposed to be boring, I couldn't let Meredith and Derek go until I had some happy ever after with them. I really loved writing this and hugely appreciate people reading and especially people who commented or favorited or requested alerts. I love it when there's a notice from FanFiction in my email to say that somebody did one of those things. It is without a doubt my favorite kind of email._

_My next story is going to be the alternative ending to _Mansfield Park _(by Jane Austen) in which Fanny Price marries Henry Crawford and Edmund Bertram marries Mary Crawford. I know I read somewhere that friends and family petitioned Jane Austen to allow Fanny to marry Henry, which sounds like more fun than solemn Fanny marrying serious Edmund. So if you like Jane Austen the first chapter is up. _

Epilogue Part 2

Some days Meredith woke up and pinched herself to make sure she wasn't just dreaming the wonderful life she lived. Her new life was such a stark contrast with her old life that she nearly always remembered her old life in black and white, like an old movie. When Derek came into her life he added one color – red – but in the year they spent taking down the dam and being honest with each other and fixing what wasn't working in their relationship all the colors of the rainbow came pouring into her life as she added new family and old friends and shed old attitudes and gained new perspectives. As Cristina said when Meredith tried to explain it to her "It's enough to make me want to throw up. Seriously, don't you feel a little nauseated when you talk that way?"

But Cristina was enjoying her life too. Cristina had a habit of showing up on Meredith's porch, sometimes without warning. The first couple of times it happened Derek gritted his teeth and said nothing at the time, intending to discuss it with Meredith after Cristina left. The reason he ended up saying nothing was that Cristina and Meredith had such a good time together, he and Cristina got along surprisingly well (she even managed to ask his advice on a career matter without being obsequious or seeming in any way insincere), and Cristina fit herself right into the household no matter what was going on. Once she dropped in on a weekend when Derek and Meredith had a posh date planned for themselves, but Meredith suggested they ask Mark to join the three of them, and they had what could only be described as a blast. Julia and Martin liked her, Ben not only liked her but looked up to her as well, and surprisingly, Cristina enjoyed Ben more than she would have guessed was possible. They visited the Science Museum and watched surgeries and IMAX movies and did other geeky things together. In fact, Ben was more likely to know when Cristina was coming to Seattle since they texted each other often.

Cristina had the talent and the ambition of Ellis Grey, and her future might well bring the kind of renown Ellis Grey had achieved, but when she moved back to Stanford and began to recover from the depression left by Burke's desertion, Cristina decided she wasn't going to be angry or depressed or allow surgery, even if it was her favorite thing in life, cripple her ability to be contented or happy or whatever the word was for the kind of mood she was in when she wasn't pissed off or cranky. She didn't know, specifically, what to do about it until she happened to meet a psychiatrist who didn't annoy her when she was working with a somewhat crazy transplant patient. She liked the psychiatrist enough to make an appointment with her, which she went to armed with questions.

They didn't focus on fixing Cristina, since nothing was "wrong" with her, they focused on explaining her, so Cristina could understand what kind of person she was and what was normal for her, and not normal for her. She wasn't surprised to learn that she had a limited need for close relationships compared to most people, that Burke had pushed her beyond her need and even her desire for intimacy (not the sexual kind – she could handle plenty of that) and that the relationship would never have worked anyway. The person Cristina most wanted to share this new information with was her mother, in the hope that she could get her mother to Leave. Her. Alone. In the end she decided to leave her mother in ignorance, ignorance being bliss as far as her mother was concerned. But Christina found she could now tune out her mother's nagging, and could define what she would and would not talk to her mother about. Ultimately the only thing she wished was that Stanford and Seattle were closer together, but as long as the welcome mat was out for her at Meredith's she was happy.

Mark had to struggle harder with his psychotherapy than Cristina, because he had suffered a lot on damage in his childhood and had done himself a lot of damage in his later years. He took a year of leave from the hospital to work on his therapy intensively soon after he started it, and kind of dropped out of the social whirl while getting his head together. Mark's and Derek's attempt to find the old magic that had made them best friends and almost like brothers ultimately fizzled out. Mark was the first to admit that infidelity and adultery were a bad basis for renewing a friendship that had foundered long before the crisis that killed it off. But they got along OK when they saw each other and they dropped their grudges against each other.

One day Mark dropped in at Meredith's house looking for Derek, and discovered he was happier to find Meredith drinking coffee and reading a book on her day off. Meredith made Mark a coffee and they sat around and talked the afternoon away. The year Meredith stayed home with Colette, Mark became a regular at the house. He'd help fold laundry, load the dishwasher, change diapers and talk and talk. Mark and Meredith seemed to have tons of things to discuss: childhood deprivations, making up for lost time, horrible humiliating mistakes, Mark's future as a surgeon with HIV, Meredith's future as a surgeon with kids. Derek had a brief freak-out about a reprise of Mark's history with his first wife, but both Meredith and Mark convinced Derek it would never happen.

Suddenly Mark didn't miss Derek, the guy who was practically his brother, because he had Meredith, who was practically his little sister. Mark fit into the Shepard gang better as the guy who was practically Meredith's big brother and as Meredith's big brother he kind of adopted Lexie, Molly and even Thatcher as well. Except for watching Davey for Molly when she had classes, Thatcher was very much at a loose end and Mark needed friends he couldn't have sex with. Mark talked Thatcher into joining a gym and they met for exercise three or four times a week. Exercise is really good for depression, Thatcher found, and he also started taking a yoga class for "seniors" at which he met some friendly people. He cheered up and stopped missing booze and feeling like a total loser, which was a huge relief for Lexie and Molly.

One thing never changed about Meredith's house; it was the place people went to in a crisis, as Cristina had done when she showed up early one morning, kicked Derek out of bed and talked to Meredith about robbing banks. George might ring the bell at 10:00 pm needing a hug, a hot meal and a confidence boost. Mark might drop by any time to talk over his latest therapy assignment. Julia or Martin might come by on the way home from a hard day or night in the ER. Even Dr. Bailey needed emergency babysitting one night. Derek and Meredith were glad to be so popular and so useful to so many friends, but doctors and babies need to sleep sometime, so Derek made a sign that said "The Doctor Is In" on one side and "The Doctor Is ASLEEP" on the other. For a short time the sign had a post-it on the "The Doctor Is ASLEEP" side, which said "CALL 911 YOURSELF. SERIOUSLY"

One of Mark's problems was what to do with himself now that he was an HIV positive surgeon. Mark had always been good at facing reality, not dealing with it, but facing it wasn't a problem. So while he'd have been the first person to say "Don't think of yourself that way, man. You can't let the HIV define you," he knew that people would think of him as the HIV positive surgeon.

_To be continued some more . . . _


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